Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years

[No Limit]

WW will be implicated anyway since the affair has been exposed. Nowhere to run now - OM realized that too, hence the 'last escape'. Nonetheless don't waver from your path; send your WW to her family, she's never been your partner and just needs you as consolation prize since her other guy is now out of her reach. Also it's best if you keep your daughters' paternity hidden for good since he's dead. I doubt WW will ever tell the truth in that regard either so you're safe.

[Susmay]

I always feel sad and get triggered when these infidelities and betrayals have a death in them, whether it be of an "affair" child, AP, WS or BS.

 

 

In my situation the other BS died (ie the husband of the MOW), and this set in motion a terrible chain of events resulting in so much damage to 3 families.

 

 

Playing with people's lives is such a rotten thing to do...

[Dutchman1]

I'm sorry that one of them came back.

As they did everything together for 15 years, why not..........

 

 

I wish you and your kids , and the other woman and her kids well.

This must be so hard for you all.

 

 

I'l be praying for you.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[fellini]

Some things are best left unsaid. And this surely is one of them.

 

I'm sorry that one of them came back.

As they did everything together for 15 years, why not..........

[Dutchman1]

Some things are best left unsaid. And this surely is one of them.

I hoped that the two of them would have gone to a distand country to never return or make contact,

Om was sad and angry, wich would have helped him to cope more easy.

I think he would have been better off not hearing of them again.

I did not mean that the WW should have followed WH in his action.

If anything the "cowards way" only brings more sadness .

 

 

Dutchman 1

[autumnnight]

I am so so sorry for all of this....you and your kids are in my thoughts

[sandylee1]

Nothing good comes from infidelity.

 

Children are now fatherless , his wife a widow. Total devastation for his family. ........if only people thought about the consequences.

 

LD I still think divorce is where you should be heading. You've been deceived for long enough. Don't be her back up guy, you've been that for over 15 years.

 

She needs IC to sort herself out and to be able to come parent with you.

Your shoulder shouldn't be the one she cries on. I assume she has parents and siblings for that.

[Buckeye2]

Living a 15 year lie, having two children stolen from you is all you need to think about. She is a liar, a thief and a cheater and chose him over her family, she is back because he is gone, you win by default.

 

Finish what you started, get rid of the cheater, take your life back because you will always be in the shadow of the other man, she will blame you for destroying what they had. She is still a thief, a liar and a cheater and you need to remove yourself from her association or you will be deemed as she is.

 

She looks like the woman you loved for 15 years and she’s hurting. Don’t let her become a victim in your eyes, she’s not.

[Fugu]

Married for what I thought was a blissful 18 years to a beautiful amazing wife/mother of our children, together 22 years all up. Just found out a week ago that my wife has been having a long term affair for at least 15 years. I am so hurt and my life as I knew it has been a lie. We have 3 amazing kids, of which I just found out the oldest is mine, and the other 2 are the OM's children. I have been gathering info since what you may call a "mini D-Day" but it was confirmed a week ago when I found out the 2 youngest were not mine. Since then, the past week I have been digging to find out as much info for myself without confronting her so that I won't have to rely on her word as much so as to reduce any chances of trickle truthing, if that makes sense. She senses something is wrong but she doesn't know that I know at this point.

 

I honestly don't know what to do, I love this woman so much and I just feel like my heart has been shattered into a trillion pieces. I want to know what I am going to do before I even consider confronting her, because I know now 100% this affair has been going on for most of our marriage, just writing that makes me sick. I know the OM a little as he is her co-worker and I know his wife a little as well, I will definitely be informing her once I confront my wife. At the moment life is going along as normal as can be, so as to not raise any suspicions. I guess I came here for the support and to help me on how I can decide what I want to do. What would any of you do if you were in my situation?

 

p.s even though I just found out that the 2 youngest are biologically not mine, they are every bit my children and I love them as my own no matter what, a DNA test will never take that away from me.

 

First off, I am terribly sorry for your situation. I cannot imagine the agony you're dealing with. <bro hug>

 

Next question, and I apologize if it sounds insensitive, but did you at any time suspect the children might not be yours? I don't have kids, so I'm ignorant of this stuff, but it would just seem to me that at some point, it would dawn on someone that the kids might not be theirs. None of the same physical features and what not. Did your parents and siblings ever openly suspect this?

 

This has to be one of the worst stories I've seen on LS, and I've been a follower for a long time, going back to another user handle. I honestly don't know what you do. I'm sure that even though the children are not 'yours' you still love them as though they are, and you did raise them, so leaving them is not an option. But God damn your wife's actions are horrible. Incredibly self-absorbed and through-the-floor dishonest. You absolutely have to separate from her, and get a good lawyer who will make sure that you win - period. First, though, you need to define what 'winning' is. Just don't make your children the bargaining chips.

 

Good luck.

Edited June 25, 2015 by Fugu

[Morro72]

Nothing good comes from infidelity.

 

Children are now fatherless , his wife a widow. Total devastation for his family. ........if only people thought about the consequences.

In this case it seems more likely that OM's exit was due to his criminal conduct than to infidelity, however awful the infidelity may have been.

 

We, and probably the OP, still don't know the extent of the OM's criminal activity, but based on the outcome I suspect it is far more extensive than the $280K figure mentioned earlier. $280K may sound like a lot of money but it really isn't, and in particular it doesn't seem like anything worth killing yourself over, even if you were the sort of person who would consider doing something like that.

[lolablue17]

Don't let your wife turning it to the loss of everybody. It's not!

 

Your children ARE NOT EXPERIENCING LOSS!! he is not their father (even if he is biologically).

 

Be gentle and kind to your wife and to OMW, but don't move 1 inch from your plan - splitting with your wife and building your life again. If you let this event to shift you away off course, your life will be a mess for a long long time.

Edited June 25, 2015 by lolablue17

[66Charger]

LD.

You were told to focus on your children.... Focus

You were told not to get involved with the OBS.......well look at where you are now.

You were told not to expose paternity... Hopefully you didnt and keep it that way

You were told to control the damage.. This you must do for the next century.

Finally you were told "she was never yours"

Well then, you were never hers, Move on. Extracate all this mess from your families life, including the "wife"

This burden will be on your "wife" Your children will still have a divorced mother.

The OBS husband and children's father were taken away by your wife. Literally. Imagine the hate they will have for her. It is her cross to bear, not yours, not your children.

 

Get busy. The legal is not over. Stop being weak.

Edited June 25, 2015 by 66Charger

[Morro72]

Meanwhile, it would still be interesting to know where WW + OM went for those few days after D-day. Have you asked her for the keys to their little getaway place?

 

Seriously, the only thing of value she's got now is information, and this is really your only chance to get it from her. Use it or lose it.

[Be_Strong]

As soon as I heard the news I immediately lost all desire to be vengeful in the divorce. OM took the fall for siphoning the company money right before he took his life, so WW is legally in the clear. How do I move forward? Both women are looking to me as the "leader" now and i'm just so confused how to conduct myself. WW came crying to me and I literally froze, had no idea what to do. How does one support their WS at the death of their affair partner? Anyone been in such a situation?

You need to carry on with your plans in exactly the same fashion as before without any regard for the OM's death. If my wife's OM had died, and my wife came running back to me, I could never have taken her back under those circumstances because I would have forever believed she was only choosing me out of necessity because her first choice wasn't available. My wife had an affair and I eventually chose to attempt a reconciliation (and we are still together now), but she chose me over the OM when he was a viable option and in fact was begging her to choose him instead.

 

You have no reason to feel sorry for your wife. Don't be her security blanket now. She made her choice for 15 years, and she should be ashamed of herself for turning to you after betraying you for all that time and then expecting you to take care of her when her AP is gone.

[autumnnight]

OP, I do not think it is your job to take care of your WW OR the OBS. However, I admire that you feel compassion - that means you have character and empathy.

[merrmeade]

ld, this is so hard. It must feel like you're carrying the world on your shoulders, but you are not. You are no longer that wounded victim that came to LS a few weeks ago, but neither are you superman. Sort your real responsibilities from the superman ones, then make a list of Dos and Don'ts for the next few days, weeks and months. This should help you act consistently on clear priorities. You can modify as things change.

 

Remember: Exposing did NOT cause the tragedy; their wrong actions did. You're not responsible for the situation or for the two adult women. The one, your 'wife,' is the mother of your children. From there, take your lawyer's advice. And on that subject:

By now, surely you have

YOUR OWN LAWYER]

separate from

BW

? This should have happened a week ago.

Your words and actions must consistently convey to everyone genuine compassion and understanding, unwavering commitment to protect your children and specifically what you will do and what you will not do.

 

I agree generally with these:

Don't let your wife [start] turning it to the loss of everybody. It's not!

 

Your children ARE NOT EXPERIENCING LOSS!! he is not their father (even if he is biologically).

 

Be gentle and kind to your wife and to OMW, but don't move 1 inch from your plan - splitting with your wife and building your life again. If you let this event to shift you away off course, your life will be a mess for a long long time.

Seriously, the only thing of value she's got now is information, and this is really your only chance to get it from her. Use it or lose it.

...I would round up any family you can and have them come and be with you guys. In shifts, so someone's with your WW at all times. Let her deal with THEM, not you. You have your own crap to deal with.

 

As for OMW, I ASSUME you haven't been 'dating' her all this time. At least I hope so. Regardless, IT IS NOT your place to be comforting her. I don't care HOW much you think you two 'clicked.' It is wrong, wrong, wrong. Let her family and his family comfort her. That's their job. Not yours.

 

If you continue to associate with her, YOUR ass is grass. You will get caught and YOU will get ruined. She has no place in your life. Got it?

There is no way that her being off the hook is accurate. It would take his wife's previous firm to take his story at face value and make a legal decision in a few days. Furthermore, the firm will likely have financial backers (insurance mostly) who may want to come at her (and OP) as an Avenue for recoupong the missing funds.

She is still responsible for participating in the missing money. She will have to answer questions and be accountable for how she participated.

...

Be with your kids now - even if it means taking a vacation with the kids only.

 

Continue separating all assets from the wife and allow her to get out and on her own. She has a lot to sort through and you can't do that FOR HER.

 

You can't do that for the OM's wife either.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

OM took the fall for siphoning the company money right before he took his life, so WW is legally in the clear.

This isn't an episode of "Murder She Wrote." If she had a role in the embezzlement, she isn't legally in the clear. This is particularly true since she's the only one alive and they may have to go after someone for insurance purposes, it has to be her.

 

While you come across as sympathetic, I've had a problem with your dubious conclusions from the get go. You insisted that you "knew" things to be true that you didn't. Indeed, that you couldn't know. It never stopped you from making dubious premises and proceeding as if they were verifiable fact.

 

You've made terrible decisions when it comes to legal representation. You've made terrible decisions when it came to confronting. It's still astonishing to me that an attorney signed on to any of this.

 

You've been making poor decisions. Start making some wise ones. A unbelievable amount has happened to you in the last few weeks. You need to start making better decisions.

[66Charger]

You had better talk to your W and divorce right away. The firm will come after her. Hopefully the split of her assets covers what they wish to recover and they dont come after YOUR assets. Disengage now and quickly. They still may come after you since it is plausible that she spent their money on your family.

 

Be smart now

Edited June 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lifedestroyed]

I don't have much time but I just want to clarify some things guys:

 

- WW was not crying to me asking for R, she was coming to me in a moment of weakness and needed a shoulder to cry on. The divorce is still going ahead.

 

- Not sure of the exact details but WW told me that OM paid off their boss the $280k plus the equavalent of 4% interest p.a for the 9 years they were embezzling. Boss was happy to drop the charges, i'm assuming out of respect for the history they all shared. WW is of course fired from her workplace.

 

- OBS and I decided to have seperate lawyers now.

 

- Mr Mind of Shazam you really know how to trigger me, but having said that i'll say this to you: 1. my conclusions were not dubious 2. things work compltely different in the part of the world I live in 3. I still think I have made the right decisions, as I am the one who knows the full picture and at the forefront of all this 4. I "KNOW" number 3 is true because right now even though emotionally i'm a wreck, logistically things are in my favour.

 

There are some things RE our families I wish to update you on I will do that tomorrow when I get a chance. I need your advice on some of the matters.

 

Thank you all for your support LS! Much love and appreciation!

[Morro72]

Did WW get it in writing that she was not going to be held responsible for any of the embezzlement? If not, then it's one more thing for your lawyer to talk with her lawyer about.

[beach]

Assuming you haven't approached your grieving wife about paternity - hassle OFFERED that information to you yet?

 

I'd bet money they took more than the discovered $280k.

 

What info has your wife explained to you?

[fellini]

A couple of things based on the very sporadic information provided:

 

1. Your phrase was "for the 9 years they were embezzling", so you are saying she was embezzling, and you don't say anything about her part of the money, where it came from after 9 years of embezzling. For example, did they use a joint account to hide it from your investigations as well?

 

Also note, why would he pay her share if "they" were embezzling?

 

2. Where was your WW during all of this? Was she there by his side when he negotiated with "their" boss to return all the money? Where was she when he took his life? I don't understand: they left together in ONE CAR, and she came back into your life after he ended his life. Where was she? HOW did he commit suicide?

 

3. Does it make sense to you that someone would embezzle 280K and then have it in the bank to pay it back on demand? Why would "they" embezzle money if they clearly didn't need it? Where did this money come from that he magically paid back? Didn't the OBW lock down all the accounts? How does a man who is stealing over 9 years suddenly have 280K cash in his hands to transfer from a hotel room. IS it possible to embezzle money during 9 years such that no one notices anything, but then when a stranger walks in an suggests it, they discover all 9 years on the drop of a dime?

 

How realistic is it to think that a company can be alerted about embezzlement by a grieving husband of an employee, be totally correct about this, and moreover, in the few short days, and I mean short, this company is able to conduct an audit of 9 years! and come up with a figure of 280K! Then the culprit who has been let go, and is being chased by the police, has no home, is also able to conduct his own look at his finances and agrees that the amount was 280K, and negotiate with ex-employer and pay it back? All this is what? A week? All the while same man has other huge issues with his STBXWW, his kids... a traumatized AP locked up in a hotel room with him...

 

Why would a man pay his debt to a company that has fired him, and then commit suicide? Unless we are watching an episode of Breaking Bad in which Ted pays off his back Taxes and then suddenly ... which leads me to the last question

 

4. Does it not seems strange to you that for 9 years two people were able to embezzle hundreds of thousands of dollars, but failed to erase a single message on her phone, so that you would discover EVERYTHING in a single second? It's harder to hide phone text messages than to hide 280K? Is your wife admitting to knowing all about the embezzlement? It seems if she knew, and was an accomplice, she would have taken the same steps to keep her A hidden as she did to keep the money from alerting anyone. Seems.

 

 

5. How certain can you be that STBFWW's LT AP did in fact "take the coward's way out". Given everything else going on in this scenario, how unbelievable is it to suggest that your "family" took care of business in a professional manner: Got the AP to pay back the company, write a suicide note, and vacate this world.

 

Which makes more sense to you: that he paid back a wealthy company with insurance and offed himself - or he was forced into it?

 

I don't have much time but I just want to clarify some things guys:

 

- WW was not crying to me asking for R, she was coming to me in a moment of weakness and needed a shoulder to cry on. The divorce is still going ahead.

 

- Not sure of the exact details but WW told me that OM paid off their boss the $280k plus the equavalent of 4% interest p.a for the 9 years they were embezzling. Boss was happy to drop the charges, i'm assuming out of respect for the history they all shared. WW is of course fired from her workplace.

 

- OBS and I decided to have seperate lawyers now.

 

- Mr Mind of Shazam you really know how to trigger me, but having said that i'll say this to you: 1. my conclusions were not dubious 2. things work compltely different in the part of the world I live in 3. I still think I have made the right decisions, as I am the one who knows the full picture and at the forefront of all this 4. I "KNOW" number 3 is true because right now even though emotionally i'm a wreck, logistically things are in my favour.

 

There are some things RE our families I wish to update you on I will do that tomorrow when I get a chance. I need your advice on some of the matters.

 

Thank you all for your support LS! Much love and appreciation!

Edited June 26, 2015 by fellini

[sandylee1]

LD

 

I know this must be a really difficult time for you to say the least.

There's so much to take in, but for you and your families own protection and safety , DO NOT disclose more than you are comfortable with here. You don't owe anyone any explanation.

 

I've seen cases where the OP has been identified from his /her posts due to the details given and it has caused a lot of problems.

 

Do look after yourself and the children

[Noirek]

LD

 

I know this must be a really difficult time for you to say the least.

There's so much to take in, but for you and your families own protection and safety , DO NOT disclose more than you are comfortable with here. You don't owe anyone any explanation.

 

I've seen cases where the OP has been identified from his /her posts due to the details given and it has caused a lot of problems.

 

Do look after yourself and the children

 

A little late for that. His story is very specific and easily identified. It's not just another one of millions of infidelity.

[autumnnight]

A little late for that. His story is very specific and easily identified. It's not just another one of millions of infidelity.

 

That's true. At least he is the BS, so he's probably safe. If he was the WS.....I shudder to think...