Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years

[spanz1]

This is not a garden variety wife behaving badly scenario. It is a legal nightmare.

.

 

 

no kidding!

 

 

I was wondering if there was any way he could recover some of the cost of raising those two children from the OM? And maybe getting the burden of college costs shifted over to him too!

 

 

it is very odd that the two cheaters had such a long relationship. Just like many married people end up having boring sex lifes after a long time....would not the same happen to cheaters who were doing it to the same partner for 15 years? Or maybe there is more to the story still....like she has other partners, or is a swinger without the OP knowing about it?

[No Limit]

OP, the fact that you begin to lean towards D shows that you have common sense which is a good thing. Mind you the worst is yet to come, especially emotionally - D-Day will leave burned soil behind, but in the end that's all because you ended up with a master manipulator. Great sex life? Great relationship? That was her guilt she tried to ease. And yes, as someone else posted - children have the right to know who their parents are, so there is a lot coming at them to. Once you have a set date for your planned D-Day, you should make plans how to carefully tell them - and have a therapist appointment set up before you do.

 

 

And you will need to get out of this marriage. OM and his family have parental rights; and witha good lawyer it is him who will be paying child support, not you. I heard someone sued money for the years of raising someone else's child, but I don't know how it ended. Even if money is your smallest concern right now - protect yourself.

[CarrieT]

I don't know how she could pull this off for 15 years without bahaving any differently!

LD, this is part of the big picture you will have to look at and may struggle with.

 

You are accustomed to how she has been acting for 15 years so there is nothing "different" in her behavior. That is what everyone has been saying about her leading a double life.

 

Think back 15 years; THAT is when you might have seen something different in her behavior but since then, she has simply learned how to manipulate the situation to her benefit to the extent that her deceit became YOUR new normal.

 

It may be why she is such a good friend, lover, etc.... She learned how to keep you happy so that you wouldn't suspect her of anything. But there is obviously something the OM does for her or gives her that you do not. And whatever that is, it involves weaving this elaborate fabric of lies to you, your family, and your children.

 

I am also glad you are considering divorce. At some point, your children will have to know the truth (probably when they are closer to adulthood), especially for medical history reasons. I realize this is traumatizing right now - and I am sure you are concerned about "destroying" their lives in the process of breaking up the family - but understand that this will be critical to their life view and it will teach them that lying and deceit is the not the way to treat another person; especially a life partner.

 

Good luck. We are here for you.

[eric1]

She was definitely good at it.

 

It sounds like she was having intercourse with him while 'visiting mom'. Fake visits to mom are a disaster ready to happen. For her to have navigated that without OP putting the pieces together ('I haven't seen you in forever daughter!'. 'Ummmm mom I was 'here' on Saturday')

 

She's a sociopath and a narcissist, OP is literally living with someone that he doesn't know

[aliveagain]

The reality of your situation is that your normal is all based on her lies, you have no idea of what it should really look like because she has never been truthful with you. What are the chances the affair was already going on before you married her? The love for your children will never change but knowing the truth has already started a change within you. She is probably having this very discussion about the changes she is seeing in you with O/M. He knows everything about you, they planned their private life around your schedule. Imagine what your life could have been like had she put all her focus on you. I guess people can survive anything if you really both try. You need to like yourself at the end of the day for the choices you make. When you confront ask her if she likes herself.

[Morro72]

If she decided to have a child with this guy 15 years ago, they must have been involved well before then, perhaps well before her first pregnancy.

[peterd51501]

I would get with the OM's wife and talk to her, let her know what is going on and has been going on. She has a BIG stake in this also. Maybe you two and work together and figure the best way to handle this. I'm sure he will pay big time for his actions and that may only hurt his kids if they have any. She deserves to have time to rap her head around the fact her husband has been cheating on her. I'm sure she will be interested in the information.

[BetrayedH]

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

 

Save an electronic copy, if possible. Print two copies and hide them in different places. Check that, give one to your attorney.

 

Exposing to the other BS may result in a confrontation before you're ready. And then everything gets deleted.

 

Please make this job 1. The likelihood that you'll both keep your mouths shut until your legal ducks are in a row is very slim.

[Furious]

I'm stunned by what you're facing. I can only imagine how traumatic it must for you. You've shown amazing restraint so far, and I applaud you for not losing it.

 

I urge you to get an individual counsellor to help you navigate through your emotions so as you have a sounding board to keep your head above water.

 

My heart breaks for the children, they are young and innocent and their world is about to implode. Make the children a priority at this time, they are going to need counselling and feel safe.

 

Get legal counsel and be informed as to your legal rights in regard to the children and how best to move forward.

 

I'm so sorry for all that you are facing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[No Limit]

Great sex life? Great relationship? That was her guilt she tried to ease.

 

Nearly forgot - it's not just guilt, it's also a great cover. An open hand makes it harder to notice the dagger behind the back; and if she indeed behaved the same for all those years she conditioned you to her affair routines.

 

I would get with the OM's wife and talk to her, let her know what is going on and has been going on. She has a BIG stake in this also. Maybe you two and work together and figure the best way to handle this. I'm sure he will pay big time for his actions and that may only hurt his kids if they have any. She deserves to have time to rap her head around the fact her husband has been cheating on her. I'm sure she will be interested in the information.

 

The wife has already been informed. Now OP and her are "plotting" together - I just hope she's strong enough not to show anything. The wayward folk do notice something is off, but they must not suspect what exactly.

[summerdowling87]

I feel so bad for the three kids especially the one's who belong to the other man.

 

They're going to find out what their mother did and that their bio dad isn't their dad..I feel bad for all four of you-(U & the three kids)

[Bigdaddyt]

Life Destroyed, I do not post much becuase my betrayal was a long time ago. I caught my XWW in bed with another man and I divorced her immediately after a short failed R.

I just recently discovered that my now adult daughter from my marriage is not my biological daughter, but the daughter of a former coworker and friend. I went through six months of absolute h_ll but have finally made peace with these events. I have found peace in the fact that I may not be my Daughters biological Father, but I am her Daddy and I know that she loves me. I did nothing wrong to deserve this, just as you did nothing wrong. I have not spoken to my XWW about this (yet) in that I still have no contact with her becuase our children are grown and I want nothing to do with her.

I do believe in karma and my XWW's life has been a living h_ll (married and divorced second time) while I remarried a younger much prettier woman and had three more children. I posted just so that you know that you are not alone and you will survive.

[Lois_Griffin]

Thank you for your reply, I agree that their affair needs to end, and it most certainly will when I expose everything. What do you mean by I need to get out of there? Do you mean leave the marriage or my house? At the moment I am leaning towards R if she is remorseful, and D if she isn't.

Remorseful?

 

That ship sailed a LONG time ago.

 

Anyone capable of LYING to your face for 15 years straight and pawning off her two illegitimate kids from her affair partner as YOURS doesn't know the meaning of remorse. Or decency. Or character. Or integrity.

[cozycottagelg]

How did you manage to ask the kids for DNA samples? How did you get that information if you just found out about all this a month ago?

[autumnnight]

My heart just breaks for you OP.

 

I want to say I applaud your ownership of ALL of your children. So many people reject their children along with the WS, even after loving and raising them for years. This tells me you are a man of character.

 

I have no idea about the legal aspect, but the fact that you are on the birth certificate and you have raised them for 10 and 14 years SURELY has to mean something.

 

Money is important to some people I guess, but if demanding child support as a "stick it to the cheaters" move is going to put your role as their father in jeopardy, I'd really think about it.

 

As far as your WW....oh my. I don't think I could share the same roof with someone who had dictated my life with lies for that long.

 

I truly feel for you.

[No Limit]

I have no idea about the legal aspect, but the fact that you are on the birth certificate and you have raised them for 10 and 14 years SURELY has to mean something.

 

I'm afraid not. OM has the power to take them away anytime.

[BetrayedH]

I've struggled mightily in trying to figure out how to advise you.

 

My typical response to suspected infidelity is to avoid the overwhelming urge to confront, quietly investigate (well done on your part), get enough 'evidence' to unwaveringly convince yourself despite predictable denials, see an attorney, file for divorce, allow the papers to act as your confrontation, and ask her to leave. Once all of that's done, you can see if she demonstrates true remorse (which involves a tremendous amount of actions on her part) that's sufficient for you to consider placing a halt on the divorce proceedings.

 

In this case, I don't know if I can endorse that last part. I don't know how she could possibly be truly remorseful. As a previous poster said, this isn't some woman swept up in some sudden affair, lost in an affair fog. She's had 15 years (at least) to go thru every possible phase, had two children with the guy, and still has consciously and repeatedly chosen to continue. How can she have remorse for something she is still, today, actively choosing to continue?

 

For what it's worth, I do understand your wavering on whether to R or D. Regardless of how bad affairs get, most people do struggle with the decision. The reason lies in the fact that you still love your wife. But here's the thing - your wife is not who you think she is. You're in love with a person that never existed. You're in love with a fantasy. You're in love with who you wish she was. And you're still holding onto that. And it's because you don't want your lovely world upended. Betrayed spouses go into a form of damage control. They are hurt beyond imagination and just want the bleeding to stop. And they desperately want to cling to the one person in life they should always be able to trust - their spouse. But they can't do that; it's the spouse that's the perpetrator. And so the BS tries to put the broken pieces back together again.

 

Of the 5 stages of grief, denial in the first and acceptance is the last. Bargaining, depression, and anger are in there, too. I think denial of the unavoidable impact of this on your life is where you are now. You can mix some bargaining in there, too. Your consideration of accepting this unacceptable behavior is an attempt to make a deal for it all to go away. You need to work towards acceptance. You need to accept that your spouse is not someone you know. She is someone different altogether; she doesn't have your back and she never did.

 

Normally, I advise people to make their own decisions about reconciliation if they see true remorse, once they've established a healthy boundary from a position of strength. I don't see how true remorse would be possible in this situation. She would just be in some panicked damage-control mode of her own but the reality is that the affair is something she obviously wanted and consciously chose over a period of decades.

 

She's shown you who she is. I think you should believe her.

[aliveagain]

It is important you get legal consul right away because other man may already know he is the father of two of your children, his wife now knows. The Courts will make decisions based on when you knew about the children's parentage and when you acted on the knowledge. This is why you need the best legal advice you can afford regardless if you reconcile or divorce. They have had at least 15 years to plan for this, you just found out.

Edited June 9, 2015 by aliveagain

[autumnnight]

I was not cheated on for 15 years, but I was basically deceived in a couple of other pretty big ways that I had to live with for nearly 2 decades. I still get hurt and angry about it.

 

I just don't know that I could continue to live with someone who made a lie out of my life.

 

I think aliveagain is right though (along with others). Find out as soon as possible what your rights are. If this OM knew he was the biological donor all this time and never lifted a finger, he better NOT get to rip them away now.

[aliveagain]

One other point to consider when dealing with other betrayed spouse. She just found out that her husband has two more children than she knew about, imagine how that could affect her child support if they divorce. She needs a really good lawyer too.

[Buckeye2]

For the entire duration of our marriage, my wife was the perfect wife a guy could ever dream of having. We had a VERY active sex life, we were best friends, got along so well and rarely fought, on the rare ocassions that we fought it was resolved quickly.

 

The vast majority of wayward spouses (WS) pick their marriage apart to justify their actions and to feel less guilty. They may start with a kernel of truth but blow it way out of proportion. They convince themselves that they deserve some happiness because their marriage ismiserable.

 

Your wife seems to be one of the rare individuals that went the other way. Her actions suggest that she’s aware that you and the marriage are great. From what you write the way she copes with the guilt is to be especially nice to you.

 

Normally when a betrayed spouse (BS) doessomething irritating the WS files it away as further evidence that he’s ajerk. Your wife cuts you extra slack because of her affair. No wonder your fights don’t amount to much.

 

This is whatI predict: Your wife explanation will be that she loves two men, was faithful to both of them and everyone was happy. She lived by the words “What they don’t knowwon’t hurt them.” The only problem with the arrangement was that you found out.

 

She will regret that she wasn't more careful and that you found out. She will hate the fact that she hurt you. She will be very sorry for the affair fallout but in her gut she will not be sorry for the affair itself. How could she deny true love? If she and the OM get divorced from their respective spouses they will wind up together. Why wouldn’t they?

[81West]

Oh lifedestroyed. I don't think I can find words to express the full extent of the empathy and compassion you deserve. This is as bad a story as I've ever read on Loveshack. I'm so incredibly sorry this is your experience. You've said your mind and heart are not closed to the idea of a reconciliation but I would strongly urge that you give yourself time to fully connect to the reality of all this before you make a decision about what you are open to. This was and remains a profound, profound betrayal and the shock must be deep. We're lucky in life that often our painful experiences offer wisdom and lessons that we needed to learn, but sometimes life just offers up raw pain without purpose. This seems to be one of those latter situations and sometimes the only thing to do is gather strength and courage and just learn to accept the fickleness of the universe and face the future with enough hope to balance the fear.

[violet1]

I'm afraid not. OM has the power to take them away anytime.

Not necessarily. The courts will look at what's in the best interest of the children. I've heard of the non bio dad winning custody of children if he's been the one who signed the birth certificate and there the entire time. Plus, the OM would have to fight in court and I doubt he would be willing to do that. I feel so bad for these children.

[beach]

It's easy to think your W has been an amazing spouse and a great Mom - but low knowing her truth - it's apparent that she's not. What she is - is a great deceiver.

 

It might help to write things out. Who you THOUGHT she WAS compared to what she's actually been doing. Her actions and what she's done are the indicator of who she is.

 

Best not to allow her to fool you any further.

 

 

What did the Om's wife say when you told her?

[BetrayedH]

Not necessarily. The courts will look at what's in the best interest of the children. I've heard of the non bio dad winning custody of children if he's been the one who signed the birth certificate and there the entire time. Plus, the OM would have to fight in court and I doubt he would be willing to do that. I feel so bad for these children.

 

Agreed. Depending on where the OP resides, it's very likely that the bio father would have to establish paternity first and then petition the court for custody. The OP is the father as far as everything is concerned right now. And the kids are old enough that any court would likely take their desires into consideration (and I doubt that would involve living with the mother's OM).