Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years

[SammySammy]

I would also consult my attorney about sharing information with OM's wife.

 

At first glance, that doesn't appear to be a good idea to me.

[BetrayedH]

I highly urge you to reconsider about exposing them at the workplace. If your wife is fired, she will have no income, which will mean you will be the one with assets. You are seriously going to shoot yourself in the foot. You may even end up paying spousal support. Your wife's loss of income will also impact your children.

 

Worse yet, you may screw over the OM's wife at the same time and force her to support her wayward husband.

 

Make decisions with your head, not your emotions.

[eric1]

I say expose the heck out of them! Only way for them to suffer consequences and that's a start!

 

But by confronting them together you're throwing off the advantage of confronting them separately. The whole "OM already told his wife everything" game.

[Winterina]

This is one of the heaviest cases of betrayal that I have ever read about on LS.

Divorce is the only way to go and to regain your life back in time.

Do not let desperation, a fear of changing status quo, or any anxiety you might face, keep you from divorcing that narcissistic w***e, a sociopath without any decency and values. When it is the hardest, do not look back... you will be happy again in time...

Be ready for the legal battle and fight for your kids. Not sure the courts will look favourably at her. You have a good chance of getting custody with her only having visitation rights.

[eric1]

I highly urge you to reconsider about exposing them at the workplace. If your wife is fired, she will have no income, which will mean you will be the one with assets. You are seriously going to shoot yourself in the foot. You may even end up paying spousal support. Your wife's loss of income will also impact your children.

 

Worse yet, you may screw over the OM's wife at the same time and force her to support her wayward husband.

 

Make decisions with your head, not your emotions.

 

OMW still hasn't quite figured out that LD could be involved in a legal proceeding that could cost her hundreds of thousands of dollars out of her own divorce. Or maybe she has and doesn't give a crap. At this point a few hundred grand would be a small detail to the other stuff I Was feeling if I were her.

[Cephalopod]

I say expose to family and friends but not the workplace. You need money from OM. He cannot pay you if he is unemployed.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Why does anyone on this thread think the OP is gonna get any sort of back child support or some kind of damage award. Our "justice" is totally bogus for situations like this. Most likely the OP is gonna be on the hook for child support until the OMs kids are 18. DNA is usually only relevant to prove who has to pay, not to prove who doesn't. The manta "for child's best interest" really means: this is an example of control, meant to be passed from generation to generation. Think of the lesson it teaches kids: you can be forced to pay for a child that is not yours. There needs to be a universal paternity law, that strictly prohibits judges & other underlings from ordering child support payments if DNA testing proves the person in question is not the biological father.

 

 

The OPs best hope is to get a male judge or an unbiased female one, both of which are rare in family law courts. OPs "wife" will come up will all sorts of BS like emotional abuse, etc etc & the judge will probably lap it up, as they usually do.

[drifter777]

This story is so bad, so messed up that I don't think that normal infidelity advice really applies. Its hard to even believe it but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. In this context I don't know why he should do anything but sit down and talk about an open marriage. It seems that she is polyamorous (sp?) and can love two men simultaneously. Rather than blow everything up I would at least discuss the possibility of maintaining status quo. She can have her lover and be a good wife - she's proven that for 15 years. Why change that part of the equation? He can accept continuing to share her openly. If he wants he can take a lover or two as well. A tangled, bag-of-snakes like this requires a different approach and I think what I"m suggesting should be considered. The alternatives he's facing maybe worse.

[BetrayedH]

This story is so bad, so messed up that I don't think that normal infidelity advice really applies. Its hard to even believe it but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. In this context I don't know why he should do anything but sit down and talk about an open marriage. It seems that she is polyamorous (sp?) and can love two men simultaneously. Rather than blow everything up I would at least discuss the possibility of maintaining status quo. She can have her lover and be a good wife - she's proven that for 15 years. Why change that part of the equation? He can accept continuing to share her openly. If he wants he can take a lover or two as well. A tangled, bag-of-snakes like this requires a different approach and I think what I"m suggesting should be considered. The alternatives he's facing maybe worse.

 

I think you're off your meds.

 

[Clay]

You know this is probably one of the worst threads I have read. I just can't even imagine your pain. Your clearly a much better person than me. I know if I was faced with this It probably would have went down very badly. I think the others are right. You need to learn your laws and figure out the best way you can get what you want out of this.

 

There is alot of good advice on this thread please listen to it.

 

I just can't even imagine what I would do in your shoes.

 

Clay

[81West]

I think you're off your meds.

 

 

Drifter's advice is way, way, way off my own instincts here, but every perspective can potentially offer something. The quietest voices are easily shouted over and for that reason sometimes deserve protection just because.

[violet1]

I know without a shadow of a doubt it's the OM's children as I have reviewed the thousand odd emails between them dating back at least 10 years. It's apparent that they both know it's his children, and he has asked her on numerous emails "how are my girls doing?" etc. sorry I missed mentioning that before, and I did mention the other 2 look a little like the OM if you look hard enough but mostly their mother.

 

It makes me literally throw up when I read their emails, I don't even know why I re-read them in my spare time. I'm seeing the full picture of their deception and how they laughed at both myself and the other BS all this time. I am going to send a usb with all the emails to OM wife asap. At lunch I only showed her the key emails that showed obvious infidelity plus the DNA test results. She didn't doubt my evidence, she was upset and didn't say much mostly cried. As I said before we are now both working together lining our ducks in a row and having a confrontation at the same time at their work place.

 

I spoke with my lawyer and wow it is a sticky legal situation as many of you have mentioned. As for me getting the DNA samples of my kids it wasn't that hard while they were asleep.

 

I'm so furious at all this, I really want to have full custody of the kids and take them away from both of them! I will do whatever it takes to get my revenge, I assure you LS, justice is absolute I will no longer be a cuckhold provider to this manipulative whore. Before anyone says anything about using kids as revenge, please spare me, they were both happy to use their kids to get money off me it's only fair that I have legal custody over them I don't care if they give me money from OM to compensate for it, I don't need their money, I want my kids..... they are all I have

This post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your pain. This woman knew from day one that your kids weren't yours and laughed behind back. She doesn't deserve your forgiveness. I am a strong believer in reconciliation. You fight in court for those kids. They deserve a good, stable parent. You are it. You are an amazing person for accepting and loving those girls although they aren't biologically yours. You have a strong character. I hope things go well and that you leave that woman. She doesn't deserve you.

[pteromom]

I am SO sorry this is happening to you.

 

My #1 piece of advice... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT TAKE ANY LEGAL ADVICE FROM LOVESHACK!

 

The #1 thing you have going for you right now is the upper hand. You know what she has done. She does not know you know.

 

This gives you all the power.

 

1 - see an attorney. Find out what your rights are. To the money. The home. The children. Do not act at all until you do that.

 

2 - as tempting as it is to pull out your sword and cut her apart, don't. Don't tell the OM's wife. Don't make your wife pack a bag and leave. Don't tell the children. Anything you do right now could come back to haunt you in the legal system. You need to be acting on logic and reason right now - NOT EMOTION. There will be time for revenge and retribution later. Not now.

 

3 - put your children first. Remember that as horrible as your wife is as a wife, she is still their mother. They are still half her, and anything you say to them about her is also about them (in their minds). Try to separate who she is as a wife from who she is as a mother. Remember that children do not understand affairs and fidelity and what goes on between men and women. Eventually, they will need to know, because if two of them have his DNA, they will need to know what diseases run in their genes, etc. Not knowing could have devastating effects when they try to reproduce themselves. But now is not the time. There is time for that later.

 

This has to be so hard. Let yourself cry at night, but during the day, you need to be Spock. All about logic.

[Noirek]

I say expose the heck out of them! Only way for them to suffer consequences and that's a start!

 

While being in pain makes lashing out appealing. As does being a bitter person. A workplace exposure could end up hurting the OP and his children more. It creates higher emotions and more drama. Something that the wife and OM don't need to be protected from, but the children do. Not sure the size of the city but what if a huge workplace scene got back to school? How would it actually help him besides a short lived sense of justice? Not to mention getting her fired would not be the best idea when he plans to divorce her. It could hurt her chance ar future jobs. There is just a whole lot more to it than trying to make people "suffer the consequences". He doesn't need to make himself judge or God of her. There is no end to that. He needs to do what is first best for the kids and then what will have the leas long term effects for himself. While it sounds nice to haveher publicly humilated (if the people at work don't know... It may not even cause humiliation for them) but the children shouldn't be. And rarely do people remain calm and stick to the script in such a votile situation. No, the OP would be better sticking to what his lawyer says to do or not do. I believe telling the OBS before talking to a lawyer was a mistake but that is done. He needs to do everything in his power to keep himself calm and calculates and legal. And do nothing out of revenge without first thinking through how it would affect his children and him.

 

I still believe she wanted to get caught. Ten years of saved emails? Texts showing up readable on lockscreens? Rookie mistakes a seasoned cheater would never accidently make because it takes planning to change your phone settings or keep that many emails. Not a slip up.

[Noirek]

I am SO sorry this is happening to you.

 

My #1 piece of advice... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT TAKE ANY LEGAL ADVICE FROM LOVESHACK!

 

The #1 thing you have going for you right now is the upper hand. You know what she has done. She does not know you know.

 

This gives you all the power.

 

1 - see an attorney. Find out what your rights are. To the money. The home. The children. Do not act at all until you do that.

 

2 - as tempting as it is to pull out your sword and cut her apart, don't. Don't tell the OM's wife. Don't make your wife pack a bag and leave. Don't tell the children. Anything you do right now could come back to haunt you in the legal system. You need to be acting on logic and reason right now - NOT EMOTION. There will be time for revenge and retribution later. Not now.

 

3 - put your children first. Remember that as horrible as your wife is as a wife, she is still their mother. They are still half her, and anything you say to them about her is also about them (in their minds). Try to separate who she is as a wife from who she is as a mother. Remember that children do not understand affairs and fidelity and what goes on between men and women. Eventually, they will need to know, because if two of them have his DNA, they will need to know what diseases run in their genes, etc. Not knowing could have devastating effects when they try to reproduce themselves. But now is not the time. There is time for that later.

 

This has to be so hard. Let yourself cry at night, but during the day, you need to be Spock. All about logic.

 

He already told the wife and the oldest two are definetly old enough to know. The youngest too in my opinion. They aren't wee children. But I agree with the essence of your post.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Noirek

[understand50]

Why does anyone on this thread think the OP is gonna get any sort of back child support or some kind of damage award. Our "justice" is totally bogus for situations like this. Most likely the OP is gonna be on the hook for child support until the OMs kids are 18. DNA is usually only relevant to prove who has to pay, not to prove who doesn't. The manta "for child's best interest" really means: this is an example of control, meant to be passed from generation to generation. Think of the lesson it teaches kids: you can be forced to pay for a child that is not yours. There needs to be a universal paternity law, that strictly prohibits judges & other underlings from ordering child support payments if DNA testing proves the person in question is not the biological father.

 

 

The OPs best hope is to get a male judge or an unbiased female one, both of which are rare in family law courts. OPs "wife" will come up will all sorts of BS like emotional abuse, etc etc & the judge will probably lap it up, as they usually do.

 

 

I don't think he cares about getting the OM to PAY.

 

He wants HIS kids. He may not be the Bio dad, but he has raised them. The fact the Law will see him as the "father" is just fine. This is one case where justice works out. I think the worst case for lifedestroyed is to have the OM somehow take some custody of his kids. These kids are older and the only father they have known is lifedestroyed. He does not want to give them up. If I was lifedestroyed, I would not as well.

 

So, what advise do we have to make that happen? Any actions that lessen lifedestroyed parental rights should not be done, even if it lets that SOB OM and WW off. What is the goal here?

 

lifedestroyed,

 

There are no good paths here. The only thing is to decide, what you want, and then be relentless in working towards it. I myself, would work to having full custody of my kids, and my WW out of my life as much as possible.

 

20782080

[Noirek]

This story is so bad, so messed up that I don't think that normal infidelity advice really applies. Its hard to even believe it but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. In this context I don't know why he should do anything but sit down and talk about an open marriage. It seems that she is polyamorous (sp?) and can love two men simultaneously. Rather than blow everything up I would at least discuss the possibility of maintaining status quo. She can have her lover and be a good wife - she's proven that for 15 years. Why change that part of the equation? He can accept continuing to share her openly. If he wants he can take a lover or two as well. A tangled, bag-of-snakes like this requires a different approach and I think what I"m suggesting should be considered. The alternatives he's facing maybe worse.

 

I think you're off your meds.

 

 

I get his point. There is no good ending to this. It is really the definition of a hopeless situation. I don't think the OP would be able to live like that. But people will go to great lengths to protect their children. Even if we may not agree with their methods.

[81West]

He already told the wife and the oldest two are definetly old enough to know. The youngest too in my opinion. They aren't wee children. But I agree with the essence of your post.

 

It's a really, really tough call. The instinct is to want to protect them and even yourself from such a monumental sea change in their self-conception and their perception of the safety and security of the world they know. But they also deserve to know and if this knowledge, which belongs to them as much if not more than it belongs to anyone one else, is held from them a minute too long resentment will settle in eventually and their ability to trust perhaps even further compromised than it already will unavoidably be. What kind of mother sets her children up for this kind of blow? It's absolute madness. Unthinkable. WTF.

 

Professional guidance from a counsellor or therapist is needed on this one for sure.

[Morro72]

In this context I don't know why he should do anything but sit down and talk about an open marriage. It seems that she is polyamorous (sp?) and can love two men simultaneously. Rather than blow everything up I would at least discuss the possibility of maintaining status quo. She can have her lover and be a good wife - she's proven that for 15 years.

We know no such thing about the OP's wife. All we know is that she has conducted an affair for at least 15 years and had two children fathered by the OM. And, as the emails suggest, thought the whole thing was a big joke on her husband.

 

I've never seen a successful poly relationship up close, but as I understand it they are built on trust, open communications, and careful consideration of the feelings of all parties. There's a big difference between a successful poly relationship and a blown-open LTA.

[Noirek]

It's a really, really tough call. The instinct is to want to protect them and even yourself from such a monumental sea change in their self-conception and their perception of the safety and security of the world they know. But they also deserve to know and if this knowledge, which belongs to them as much if not more than it belongs to anyone one else, is held from them a minute too long resentment will settle in eventually and their ability to trust perhaps even further compromised than it already will unavoidably be. What kind of mother sets her children up for this kind of blow? It's absolute madness. Unthinkable. WTF.

 

Professional guidance from a counsellor or therapist is needed on this one for sure.

 

My wording was off. My post was in reply to the effect that the children were to young to know what is between a man and a woman. And that isn't true. The oldest two are teenagers. They will know.

[pteromom]

He already told the wife and the oldest two are definetly old enough to know. The youngest too in my opinion. They aren't wee children. But I agree with the essence of your post.

 

Oh I missed that. I didn't read all the pages. Argh.

[MKI180]

 

I will do whatever it takes to get my revenge

 

Get OM Wife pregnant .. and let him think ur child is his child

[autumnnight]

I will do whatever it takes to get my revenge

 

Then be prepared. The law isn't a marriage forum. Most people outside of forums, especially judges, don't look kindly irrational actions.

[Buckeye2]

While being in pain makes lashing out appealing. As does being a bitter person. A workplace exposure could end up hurting the OP and his children more. It creates higher emotions and more drama. Something that the wife and OM don't need to be protected from, but the children do. Not sure the size of the city but what if a huge workplace scene got back to school? How would it actually help him besides a short lived sense of justice? Not to mention getting her fired would not be the best idea when he plans to divorce her. It could hurt her chance ar future jobs. There is just a whole lot more to it than trying to make people "suffer the consequences". He doesn't need to make himself judge or God of her. There is no end to that. He needs to do what is first best for the kids and then what will have the leas long term effects for himself. While it sounds nice to haveher publicly humilated (if the people at work don't know... It may not even cause humiliation for them) but the children shouldn't be. And rarely do people remain calm and stick to the script in such a votile situation. No, the OP would be better sticking to what his lawyer says to do or not do. I believe telling the OBS before talking to a lawyer was a mistake but that is done. He needs to do everything in his power to keep himself calm and calculates and legal. And do nothing out of revenge without first thinking through how it would affect his children and him.

 

I agree with this. What they did was over the top and doesn’t need any added workplace drama to make people take notice. Once this is out the rumors will fly. Plus the public confrontation may feel so good that you get carried away and do or say something you don’t intend.

 

I’ve been so full or righteous indignation that my actions wound up making the other person the victim when I was the original victim. Don’t do that.

 

I still believe she wanted to get caught. Ten years of saved emails? Texts showing up readable on lockscreens? Rookie mistakes a seasoned cheater would never accidently make because it takes planning to change your phone settings or keep that many emails. Not a slip up.

 

I don’t agree with this. A WS best protection is their spouse never in their wildest dreams suspecting them of cheating. You can get away with a lot if you’re the last person anyone suspects. That probably more than anything else helped them get away with it for 15 years. You may start out being careful but after 15 years of success anyone would tend to get sloppy.

[Noirek]

 

I don’t agree with this. A WS best protection is their spouse never in their wildest dreams suspecting them of cheating. You can get away with a lot if you’re the last person anyone suspects. That probably more than anything else helped them get away with it for 15 years. You may start out being careful but after 15 years of success anyone would tend to get sloppy.

 

But this wasn't a slip up. This was his text message showing up on her lockscreen. It's not suspicous behaviour to turn off that feature where it just shows a message from a person. With text showing up on the lockscreen anyone walking past the phone can see without picking up the phone. Entirely different then him grabbing the phone to use and seeing a text message or showing up and catching them when they thought he was gone. And in the case of ten years of emails... That is a little more than a one time slip up. That's thousands of emails saved as evidence against them. It is not how LTA's are perserved. This was not an example of her getting lax and being caught.

 

So my guess is she wanted to eventually be caught or she simply didn't care if she was.