I believe my marriage is now over !

[Southern Sun]

Sammy - trust your instincts.

 

Your husband is VERY manipulative.

 

He is putting all of this on you. He wants to make YOU the bad guy.

 

If you distrust him (because he's given you reason to distrust him!), YOU are ruining the marriage.

 

That is ridiculous.

 

We can't know him from what you write on this forum, but something seems wrong. He is either hiding something from you, or he has something mentally wrong, or both. But he is most certainly blameshifting and gaslighting you. You are uncomfortable with this and second-guessing everything for a reason.

 

WHAT HE IS DOING IS WRONG.

 

At the very most basic core of it, you are asking him to respect your boundaries and wishes, which are that he not text and spend time with another woman outside of your marriage. This is a very basic requirement of a marriage and should not be overly burdensome to him. If it is, at its most innocuous, he is an extremely immature person.

 

What really disturbs me, is how he continues to SAY with words how he would never jeopardize your marriage. But he is DOING JUST THAT by repeatedly going against your stated wishes. Again, character disordered? Lying to you? It's one of those.

 

I mean, I guess I could give him the benefit of the doubt and say he could just be severely depressed? Perhaps have other mental disorders going on? Something is going on.

 

Regardless, your boundaries are APPROPRIATE. Your instincts are RIGHT. Trust them. He is WRONG. And what is flying all over me is that he is at times managing to convince you that YOU are wrong...that you are the one messing things up by your lack of trust. That is absolute BS.

 

No. Listen to your gut. Stay the course. Draw a line in the sand. Something is wrong.

[Winterina]

Well, I have an update of what has transpired. I called him and he answered to tell me he was at the townhouse doing some work. It is about 7 minutes from my work and I have my own business so my schedule is up to me. Which is nice because I can go home anytime I want and its literally 7 minutes away. I told him we need to talk and he said come over then. So I did. I told him if I offended him, I will apologize for that, however, his response to me was completely inappropriate. I said "next time you tell me to go sleep at my parents' house, if there is a next time, I will be telling you the same thing, since I am the one who pays 90% of the bills. So, next time, you leave." He looked at me and said again that he is doing nothing to jeopardize our marriage, he will continue to be as transparent as possible and that we can get on another family plan for the phone if I want. Also he said "the phone is downstairs. I have nothing to hide."

He told me that everytime I show so little trust it puts a huge rift between us. I was puzzled and told him that what puts a rift between us is his lack of understanding regarding his words and his behavior. He kind of changed his tune a little bit and said: "We argued over me possible going out once or twice over the summer with one person or a group of people. IF it even happens, which it might not even happen."

That comment of his makes me think that this girl has not responded to him at all, and this is why now it has become an IF he does anything over the summer whereas yesterday it was "if I want to go out once or twice over the summer."

Apparently last night he went to his parents' house and they of course knew what had happened because I told them. His mother told him "don't mess up you life" and his father told him that he needs to shape up and he cannot tell his wife to go sleep at her parents' house. His father also told him "if there is something you are doing or planning on doing, stop it now."

Do you think that had something to do with anything? I feel that I made myself clear to him, but I am still not sure. Thoughts?

 

My thoughts are that he failed with another woman and he is still leaving that door opened (thus using the word IF). Here is one IF for you. If he gave a s...t about you, your feelings and your relationship, he would never even thought of continuing seeing her, texting her or anything at all with her. He would have immediately eliminated her from his life, the moment it started interfering into your relationship. He is acting like angry teen. Why the hell are you with him anyway.

[spanz1]

one important point, if he is earning all the money, then he is right, next time YOU get to leave the house.

[beach]

He knows it upsets you when he communicates with her.

 

Yet he initiated contact and invited her to the movie.

 

 

Yes, I'd be angry that my H did that knowing full well it would hurt me.

 

 

The fact that he keeps acting like it's ok to hurt you is mean. The other fact that he continues to reach out to this gal means that he thinks she is worth it - and the harm he is causing you.

 

 

IF he valued you and your feelings he would stop hurting you... And he's passive aggressive about it - acting like it shouldn't be a big deal. He KNOWS it's a big deal every time he does it - yet he just keeps doing it!

 

 

His actions keep putting your M at risk. He doesn't care enough to stop it.

 

 

The only way to show him that it hurts you that much is if he thinks the M will end due to his actions.

 

 

And believe me - no guy that has a W that essentially supports him wants to lose his security of where his money comes from - hence, his Mom's comment.

 

Maybe you can suggest he stay at his parents for a long while until he understands that you will stay at the new place - long enough for him to figure out how to stop causing you harm and hurtful feelings.

[Babs22]

I replied to your other thread explaining it is normal for co-workers to get together outside of school and not have any spouses there. That is true. But it is crazy to think of two of them (M/F) going off on their own to watch a movie together. His latest texts to her, have crossed the line of being ok and you are justified to be upset about them. Luckily the other lady has been creeped out or something because she is not biting. His response to you was very immature. Your H is in his 40s and is telling you to go stay with your parents as a result of a disagreement. You nearly fully support him and he acts like a child. You could do a lot better. He doesn't understand boundaries or how to treat you like his wife. I'd cut your losses and move on.

[georgia girl]

Sammy,

 

I think the major problem here is that you two don't know how to argue. I agree that he was inappropriate but I also think you were a little controlling as well. This happens when couples can't communicate well. He gets away without listening to you and that makes you feel fragile and insecure. In my opinion only, I really don't think he is on the verge of cheating. Instead, I think the job and moving stress has led him to seek a soft place to land and unfortunately, he did not seek that soft place with you. He was completely wrong here and he ultimately needs to own it. But, that has to be a self-realization, not something you can drive home to him or he will resent you - as he has demonstrated - for pointing it out.

 

As another poster said, the problem here is not this woman or the texting. It's that you guys need some couples counseling to learn how to communicate, how to set boundaries, how to trust each other and exactly why you should value this relationship above all things. Can you do that? Meet with a counselor? I think it will create a safe, calm space for both of you to express your thoughts, fears and hurts.

 

Good luck. I am pulling for you guys.

[georgia girl]

I forgot to add that you guys need to stop taking fights to Armegeddon. If you don't, it will cost you both your marriage. Eventually, you can't escalate a fight anymore and recover your relationship. That's how straws break camels' backs.

 

Counseling can help you both learn how to de-escalate. Just because you are hurt and angry, does not mean there has to be some sort of dire consequence for your partner to take things seriously. I see your husband regularly invokes Armeggeddon. That's the biggest problem I see. I think you do it a little bit, too, but he really does it. If you both want to have a successful marriage - and I believe you do - arguments can't have relationship-ending consequences.

[loveboid]

If you're staying at your parents and he lost his job, are you still having sex?

 

Sometimes that's all that's needed to keep the connection. Maybe he feels undesirable and he wants you to love him up.

[beach]

If you're staying at your parents and he lost his job, are you still having sex?

 

Sometimes that's all that's needed to keep the connection. Maybe he feels undesirable and he wants you to love him up.

 

Really? Sex is your solution to a man that keeps causing harm to his wife?

 

 

OP - how are you doing?

[MCGar]

I've read this whole thread. It really looks like he's being a creeper on this coworker. Her answer about not knowing where she lives is the EXACT thing any lady would say when they do NOT want a creeper around them.

His invite to the movies where he tried to manipulate her into going with the mention of the keys was a big red shouting flag and she shot it the heck down.

 

Your problem isn't that he is having an emotional affair, your problem is that he is an unaware creeper that has staunchly convinced himself that the issue is your mistrust and his basic rights of freedom with having friends.

 

Your best bet is to call this lady and lay out your cards, let her know that you realize he has acted inappropriately and for your next actions you just need to know if there is anything she can share about what she has witnessed about him. You'll get a 50/50 chance of her being guarded and not want to be involved OR anecdotes from a third party that speak of what a loser creeper your husband is. Maybe if you hear it from a 3rd party then you might not be lost in the forest for all of its trees.

 

 

Read back your description of your relationship history and pretend that it's written by your future daughter. What the hell would you tell her?

[Phoenician]

As a seperated man , who never cheated on his wife while in marriage ; i can tell you that , your issues are beyond trust .

 

You and your husband no longer had at least 5 things in common anymore.

 

I am not going to judge u or your huby based on a story ; but I tell you that you have a serious marriage issue even prior to "cheating attempt ".

 

to elaborate ,

 

I was married for 17 years , during the first 15 years ; i never thought about sleeping with any other women , I vistited places where like vegas and others in business trips ; was not even interrested in watching a strip show.

 

visited places where u can get a virgin for 30 $ ;never had any urge .

 

only when our marriage reached to the point of explosion i became vulnerable .

 

 

If YOU WANT TO KEEP A MARRIAGE U SHOULD LOOK AT OTHER MAJOR ISSUES IN YOUR MARRIAGE .

[nerdlingZA]

Your husband is wrong 100%. You are completely right and he should have no business spending intimate time with other females other than his wife. From the things he tells you, it seems he has zero respect for you and your feelings. Your gut feeling is right and he's clearly doing something more than he should with this female. Without knowing too much about your marriage, I'd strongly advise for you to divorce if these reoccuring problems cannot be fixed cause they are clearly unacceptable.

 

Oh and no matter what your husband says, HE IS WRONG in this situation. Don't like him make you think otherwise.

 

she has no right in telling him not to go to the movies alone

[Whatitistoburn]

He has issues within himself. When you mentioned he's 41, I thought "midlife crisis" right away which is what I think my own husband is going through as well. This is a crazy, confusing, stressful period for him that could end badly if not handled well and based on what you've said, it's looking like its heading that direction. You need to have the talk with him but go into it without judgment or distrust. Hear him out and see where it leads you both. You will know what to do next. I wish you all the best. x

[thinkhappy]

I have posted here previously describing my husband texting his female coworker and that I was suspecting that he was setting the ground for something to happen between them, despite all the safeties he had included such as allowing me access to his phone, sharing a phone bill, etc. Well, here is what has happened since last Wednesday which was his last day of school because we are moving into a new townhome. School officially ended today. So, last Wednesday he asked me if I would like to go see an early movie with him at 11:45 a.m. I said no, because I had to work. I had checked the call record and he had texted her about 8 times after I told him I cannot go to the movie. LAter in the day, I asked him if I can see his phone and he said "sure". This is the text message as best as I can remember that he sent her: "Want to go see Mad Max at 11:45 with me." Her response: "Not really. I'm home working on something." His response: "I wanted to give you my keys because I am not returning to the school since we are moving." Her response: "Just mail the keys then."

 

That was it. Then he had a job interview the next day and she texted him "good luck" and he responded by saying "thanks". That was it, and I was starting to calm down a little bit, even though there has been a feeling inside me I cannot explain about that situation. For the last three days we have been going back and forth moving, tons of stuff into this townhouse. We are loaded with work to do still, and my husband is looking for another position for next year. A lot of stress in other words. Today he went to buy something at the store while I was at work and we were going to meet at the townhouse to continue to organize. I check the phone log and he had initiated a text to her. I asked him about it, and he became extremely defensive and read the text to me that said "Happy Last Day of School!!".

 

I asked him why with all this stress that we are having right now, would you even think about this person? Why are you continuing the communication when you don't even see her at work anyore? What can you possibly have in common? He was livid and told me that I try to control him and I treat him like his mother. That he doens't want to be in a relationship where his wife tells him who he can talk to. I told him I don't want to do that anyway. but I don't understand what the appeal is here? (Please keep in mind that my husband is very antisocial to begin with so his sudden desire to be social with this particular person disturbs me.) He told me he continues to communicate because in the summer if he has nothing to do he could go to a movie with her or for drinks with her and or her and her friends. "What's the big deal, in the middle of the day, if I go to the movies with another female?" I told him ,very calmly that as his wife, this situation makes me uncomfortable. His response: "Well, then that's your problem, not mine. Because I am not doing anything. I value our marriage and I would do nothing to put it in jeopardy. You are single handedly destroying our relationship with your mistrust of me."

 

At that point he hung up the phone. When I called again, he told me he doesn't want to speak to me or be around me and that I should go sleep at my parents' house tonight. He said to me: "I know what you want. You want me to say OK, my loving wife, I love you so much that if this upsets I will stop talking to her. Well, that's not going to happen."

I asked him to remove himself from our phone plan, since I pay for the whole thing and he should go get his own life. I am no longer interested in who he is texting or why. Within the same hour, he had transferred his phone account. So, now we have separate phone accounts. I was communicating with his father who told me he walked in the door around 8:30 pm and wasn't talking to anyone. We have been staying with his parents for a while now, until we found a place, and we are still there while organizing the townhouse.

 

So, basically at this point, my marriage might be over due to the fact, that as his wife, I asked him to not go to the movies or for drinks alone, with another female. Am I being unreasonable or crazy? He is not even happy that we are moving out of his parents' house. All he has been doing for the last three days is complain about the amount of work and what he doesn't like about the place. His parents are beside themselves because they know what is going on. I talk to them about it, since he won't speak to them and they are left wondering. There is a huge lack of respect on his part, and he always turns it around and makes it my fault because I don't trust him. But how can I trust someone who is texting another woman to go to the movies with him? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. I am so incredibly frustrated. He is not hearing me and he told me that the only person in his life who makes him unhappy at times is me. That he's just "not happy." That, despite the fact that we have been having some pretty good days.

 

So, I am now at my parents' house, with a townhouse 20 minutes away in full disarray, and with my husband sleeping at his parents' house. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring. But things like this, break ups, separations, whatever you want to call them, have been happening almost yearly for the last 10 years. I never thought it would happen again, not now. Not after having committed to a 12 month lease and having moved all our belongings. All of this because according to him I don't trust him. According to me, it is because it is more important that he continues communication with this woman that honor his wife's feelings. Please give me your input. I am desperately trying to figure out if this relationship is even worth trying to save at this point.

 

My H has told me the same things I bolded above, pretty much verbatim. I think it has to do with our husbands feeling out of control, and not taking ownership for their own happiness and their own feelings of self worth. I know when my H is down on himself, it inevitably spills out into our relationship, and I get the brunt of it. I suppose it's easier to point fingers at others than take responsibility and action for ourselves.

 

It sucks. I feel for you.

[angiefly]

I definitely wouldn'the put much stock into what his dad has said to you... His dad probably wants it to work out simply because, at 41, his son is finally getting out of his house and I'm assuming his parents are aware of who pays the bills. In other words, if your relationship is over, and I would say it should be (for your own happiness) then that means THEY have to continue taking care of their 41 year old son. That's why his dad is rooting for you two to work out.

[Arieswoman]

Sammy1974,

 

His response: "Well, then that's your problem, not mine. Because I am not doing anything. I value our marriage and I would do nothing to put it in jeopardy. You are single handedly destroying our relationship with your mistrust of me."

 

Another BS here, and another example of a cheating spouse using this ^^^^ sort of line to put the blame for the deterioration of the marriage on the BS. That was so like what my exH said that I am beginning to wonder if there is a Cheaters' Handbook somewhere ?