Ended it... 3 yrs over

[KissofGrace]

The end of our 3+ year A was last Friday. I'm Sad ....it was a long day full of MANY different emotions......many tears.... Lots of i'm sorry's and I love you's. we said what we needed to say, forgave each other and agreed that it wasn't a good situation which we were in. He told me he's been seeing a counselor and that he is planning to tell her everything because the guilt was catching up to him and seemed more overwhelming lately . I agreed that he should tell her and reiterated that he should tell her (W) only because he wants or feels the need to confess and move on with HIS healing and NOT to do it with an expectation that i want him to do so or as a mean or mode to "keep me hanging on". I was sure to be clear on that. He did ask if he told her if i would consider being a support for him.......i need help with that one. Why do i feel bad for him? Is that normal? Any suggestions would be appreciated. I did say that having a "friendship" with him would seem difficult. i was honest and said, i didn't know how to be a friend to someone i love in a manner other than platonic. He understood then agreed with me, that it too would be hard for him to view me as a friend only.

He asked if we could still talk as semi-friends and just check n with one another like once a week. i honestly didn't know how to answer that.

My initial goal was to go entirely NC, but i miss him. Am i wrong? Am i being too nice or am i subconsciously "hanging" on???

Has anyone ever been friends with their X-MM? how do you do it?

 

Tough to say goodbye to someone you've loved for so many years, our teenage years included, even tougher to look him in his crying eyes. I miss him already but i feel a peace that i kinda feel guilty for feeling.

 

Does anyone feel me on anything?

 

Any comments, suggestion positive or negative are welcomed.

[FusionCutter]

Time to get out and take care of yourself. Whatever you were in wasn't healthy, I hope you see that. Take the time to care about you and not of him. The only way is NC. There is no such thing as friends after an affair.

 

Cut ties, NC, move on. Think of it like this. He had 3 years to make his decision and after all you sacrificed emotionally, you end up with nothing. Take care of yourself because no one else will. He will try to make contact most likely. To prevent this, block him out of your life or you will never be able to move on. (You deserve a man of your own.)

[whichwayisup]

He's being extremely selfish. You two have ended your affair, yet he wants you support him while he tells his wife the truth about the affair? Does this mean he's going to be honest and tell his wife that you two are still in contact and friends? My guess is NO, because there's no way she will allow him to still see and talk to you. He has his head in the clouds! Notice how it's all about him, not you.

 

The best thing you can do (and don't feel about it either) is cut him out of your life. How can a friendship and contact happen if you're trying to get over him? Seems he wants the best of both worlds, keeps you as a friend and gets to stay married. your friendship will be an EA, feelings still all there and chances are it'll turn back into a full on affair as time goes on, especially if you two meet up one on one.

[lookingforclosure]

I'm trying to cut mine out of my life as I write this....don't fall back like I did thinking I could keep it "light and airy" and just friends. I fell right back into it, all the emotions....I could kick myself:mad:

[jwi71]

The end of our 3+ year A was last Friday. I'm Sad ....it was a long day full of MANY different emotions......many tears.... Lots of i'm sorry's and I love you's. we said what we needed to say, forgave each other and agreed that it wasn't a good situation which we were in. He told me he's been seeing a counselor and that he is planning to tell her everything because the guilt was catching up to him and seemed more overwhelming lately .

 

This counselor is it their MC or just his IC?

 

I agreed that he should tell her and reiterated that he should tell her (W) only because he wants or feels the need to confess and move on with HIS healing and NOT to do it with an expectation that i want him to do so or as a mean or mode to "keep me hanging on". I was sure to be clear on that. He did ask if he told her if i would consider being a support for him.......i need help with that one.

 

It sounds like he wants you to lie for him when his madder than h_ll W comes looking for you.

 

Why do i feel bad for him?

 

Only you can know that.

I would imagine its because he has some "trouble" ahead and you feel bad that he has some really hard times in front of him.

 

Is that normal?

 

Yes.

 

Any suggestions would be appreciated. I did say that having a "friendship" with him would seem difficult. i was honest and said, i didn't know how to be a friend to someone i love in a manner other than platonic. He understood then agreed with me, that it too would be hard for him to view me as a friend only.

 

No way his W ever lets you near her H (provided she doesn't D him on the spot - and provided he actually tells).

 

Hypothetical: Would you let your H near his xAP ever again in any form or fashion?

 

He asked if we could still talk as semi-friends and just check n with one another like once a week. i honestly didn't know how to answer that.

My initial goal was to go entirely NC, but i miss him. Am i wrong? Am i being too nice or am i subconsciously "hanging" on???

 

Hanging on. IMO.

You are toxic to him and his life right now. And you crossed that line when you went from friend to AP. You may have once been his friend but no longer - you are part of the problem and, if you truly value him, must not talk to him again (unless he is D, gone to IC and learned).

 

Has anyone ever been friends with their X-MM? how do you do it?

 

Its VERY hard. I would say both would have to be D (if applicable), bot gone to IC and both had some period of time, measured in years, to heal/learn/grow before reconnecting.

 

Does anyone feel me on anything?

 

Of course.

You are losing, IMO forever, someone who has been in your life for a long time. But, if you think on it, you may find that during the A you went from friend to something else. At the very least you were NOT his friend.

 

Friends don't lead their friends down dark paths. They help them get off said path.

 

Perhaps, in time, with the above I listed out, you can reconnect. Until then, IMO, the best you can do for you BOTH is to disappear from his life and move forward with your own.

 

I wish I had a happier tune to sing but I don't.

[ladydesigner]

The end of our 3+ year A was last Friday. I'm Sad ....it was a long day full of MANY different emotions......many tears.... Lots of i'm sorry's and I love you's. we said what we needed to say, forgave each other and agreed that it wasn't a good situation which we were in. He told me he's been seeing a counselor and that he is planning to tell her everything because the guilt was catching up to him and seemed more overwhelming lately . I agreed that he should tell her and reiterated that he should tell her (W) only because he wants or feels the need to confess and move on with HIS healing and NOT to do it with an expectation that i want him to do so or as a mean or mode to "keep me hanging on". I was sure to be clear on that. He did ask if he told her if i would consider being a support for him.......i need help with that one. Why do i feel bad for him? Is that normal? Any suggestions would be appreciated. I did say that having a "friendship" with him would seem difficult. i was honest and said, i didn't know how to be a friend to someone i love in a manner other than platonic. He understood then agreed with me, that it too would be hard for him to view me as a friend only.

He asked if we could still talk as semi-friends and just check n with one another like once a week. i honestly didn't know how to answer that.

My initial goal was to go entirely NC, but i miss him. Am i wrong? Am i being too nice or am i subconsciously "hanging" on???

Has anyone ever been friends with their X-MM? how do you do it?

 

Tough to say goodbye to someone you've loved for so many years, our teenage years included, even tougher to look him in his crying eyes. I miss him already but i feel a peace that i kinda feel guilty for feeling.

 

Does anyone feel me on anything?

 

Any comments, suggestion positive or negative are welcomed.

 

Oh absolutely not. That is crazy to suggest such a thing for you and for his wife. It just shows he is still SELFISH and wants what HE wants. Unfortunately for him once he tells his wife, it will no longer be just HIS decision.

[KissofGrace]

Time to get out and take care of yourself. Whatever you were in wasn't healthy, I hope you see that. Take the time to care about you and not of him. The only way is NC. There is no such thing as friends after an affair.

 

Cut ties, NC, move on. Think of it like this. He had 3 years to make his decision and after all you sacrificed emotionally, you end up with nothing. Take care of yourself because no one else will. He will try to make contact most likely. To prevent this, block him out of your life or you will never be able to move on. (You deserve a man of your own.)

Thank you FusionCutter...i realize now it wasn't healthy. I'm just sad and struggling because miss the good times and i did and still do love him. I do see the things i didn't allow myself to see...hurts a little more as i realize i willfully did not allow myself to see it.

I do deserve a man of my own.....and a whole one at that. not half.....which if i'm honest, i wasn't even getting that.

Thanks for your kind words.

[KissofGrace]

He's being extremely selfish. You two have ended your affair, yet he wants you support him while he tells his wife the truth about the affair? Does this mean he's going to be honest and tell his wife that you two are still in contact and friends? My guess is NO, because there's no way she will allow him to still see and talk to you. He has his head in the clouds! Notice how it's all about him, not you.

 

The best thing you can do (and don't feel about it either) is cut him out of your life. How can a friendship and contact happen if you're trying to get over him? Seems he wants the best of both worlds, keeps you as a friend and gets to stay married. your friendship will be an EA, feelings still all there and chances are it'll turn back into a full on affair as time goes on, especially if you two meet up one on one.

I see the selfishness now...the "what about me and what i'm about to go through" I don't know if he's going to be honest and tell her everything, i doubt it. i did tell him that she deserved to know the truth...that it wasn't a ONS or that we met in some bar somewhere and that it was a bootie-call type of relationship. i said "she needs to know that it was a love affair for over 3 years and that we were in love and still love each other." he stayed quite and didn't say anything, hence why i don't believe he'll tell her the whole truth.

thanks for your honest words. I'm sad but everyday i get a little bit stronger

[KissofGrace]

I'm trying to cut mine out of my life as I write this....don't fall back like I did thinking I could keep it "light and airy" and just friends. I fell right back into it, all the emotions....I could kick myself:mad:

 

AAAWWWWW lookingforclosure, i'm sorry you are in that spot. I don't want to be either.....i guess subconsciously i was hoping that we could remain "friends" however i see that it won't be healthy and i am trying to get away from unhealthy choices I've made in my life.

Im in counseling so that is helping me to gain insight into this very unhealthy relationship.

all the best to you darling.

[Satu]

Affairs almost always end badly, almost always bring pain to everybody involved, and almost always end in regret and remorse.

 

That's just the way it is.

 

Make better choices in the future.

[KissofGrace]

This counselor is it their MC or just his IC?

 

he is seeing an IC.

 

It sounds like he wants you to lie for him when his madder than h_ll W comes looking for you.

 

i made it clear that i have no intentions to seek her or the kids out and hurt them like that. I told him the information needs to come from him.

 

Only you can know that.

I would imagine its because he has some "trouble" ahead and you feel bad that he has some really hard times in front of him.

 

yes, that is correct--spot on.

 

 

Yes.

 

 

 

No way his W ever lets you near her H (provided she doesn't D him on the spot - and provided he actually tells).

 

Hypothetical: Would you let your H near his xAP ever again in any form or fashion?

 

absolutely not, i never thought of it that way. However, i will say that if we did decided to be friends...it would still be hidden from her---hence me leaning toads NC at all....i swear---i get some good therapy here!

 

Hanging on. IMO.

You are toxic to him and his life right now. And you crossed that line when you went from friend to AP. You may have once been his friend but no longer - you are part of the problem and, if you truly value him, must not talk to him again (unless he is D, gone to IC and learned).

 

thank you for this...i needed to hear that. I had never been told that i'm toxic to him but looking at it now and re-reading your statement---i am. just as much as he is to me WOW!!!!

 

Its VERY hard. I would say both would have to be D (if applicable), bot gone to IC and both had some period of time, measured in years, to heal/learn/grow before reconnecting.

 

i agree!!!

 

Of course.

You are losing, IMO forever, someone who has been in your life for a long time. But, if you think on it, you may find that during the A you went from friend to something else. At the very least you were NOT his friend.

 

Friends don't lead their friends down dark paths. They help them get off said path.

 

Perhaps, in time, with the above I listed out, you can reconnect. Until then, IMO, the best you can do for you BOTH is to disappear from his life and move forward with your own.

 

I wish I had a happier tune to sing but I don't.

i so appreciate your honestly and straight forward answers. the reality is this isn't a happy situation and only i am responsible for turning into one.

Thanks again for ALL your comments!

[KissofGrace]

Oh absolutely not. That is crazy to suggest such a thing for you and for his wife. It just shows he is still SELFISH and wants what HE wants. Unfortunately for him once he tells his wife, it will no longer be just HIS decision.

 

Ladydesgner---i agree. i never saw the complete selfishness package until now. and everyday i realize and see ore. It's actually quite saddening.

thanks for you comments.

[KissofGrace]

Affairs almost always end badly, almost always bring pain to everybody involved, and almost always end in regret and remorse.

 

That's just the way it is.

 

Make better choices in the future.

 

Satu--your words, bring me so much peace

THANK YOU!!!!

[lookingforclosure]

AAAWWWWW lookingforclosure, i'm sorry you are in that spot. I don't want to be either.....i guess subconsciously i was hoping that we could remain "friends" however i see that it won't be healthy and i am trying to get away from unhealthy choices I've made in my life.

Im in counseling so that is helping me to gain insight into this very unhealthy relationship.

all the best to you darling.

 

Yeah mine is all "i'm so stressed most days and am not happy"..."I can't take this" "I can't talk to you it stresses me out" "I don't know if I can continue this marriage counseling"

 

It's all about him....wth about me a-hole. Do you not think i'm hurting and stressed and have a hard time making it through most days douche bag!!

[KissofGrace]

Yeah mine is all "i'm so stressed most days and am not happy"..."I can't take this" "I can't talk to you it stresses me out" "I don't know if I can continue this marriage counseling"

 

It's all about him....wth about me a-hole. Do you not think i'm hurting and stressed and have a hard time making it through most days douche bag!!

 

i swear they all say the same thing---must read the same manual.

AND OMG YES!!!!! all about them...selfish.

i wish there was a magic pill we could all take and POOOFFF! like a cloud it's all gone!

((((hugs))))