Should I be feeling this way?

[Jerry17]

All my life I've been treated badly by my family and friends. I am taken advantage by almost everyone. Yes, I'm a nice guy but I still don't accept being taken advantage of. Every girl I've liked has either treated me like garbage, used me, or outright hated me for no reason. I've had friends who repeatedly use me, verbally abuse me, and start mess between me and others.

 

I've helped out my family through very hard times and I sacrificed all of my high school years taking care of family and friends. I graduated a few weeks ago and I was disappointed that I didn't get scholarships and grants like others in my class did. I'm very intellectual but I never really had the opportunity to focus on my academics and extra curricular activities as much as I wanted to. I also have medical issues so I couldn't really participate in sports.

 

Not only that, I've taken care of friends who are sick themselves and I did my best and I helped them to graduate. It was stressful but I never gave up. That person is my bestfriend but shes gone for the summer.

 

Along with that, I've had a situationship with a girl for almost two years who I ended up falling in love with. She has never admitted her feelings for me directly to me despite everyone that knows about us knowing that she has feelings for me, them telling me, and her actions prove it. We dont talk as much as we could because she keeps pushing me away. I've spent money on her such as a necklace and food... and she wears the necklace faithfully. But we still aren't dating which doesn't make sense at all. I've been told she has a lot of issues which is why she pushes me away and doesn't want to date me but come on, if a guy publically defends you whenever you are disrespected by others and your own friends, its clear that guy is special. I know that she has a lot of issues, she's told me this. But still I deserve a chance.

 

A month ago, I had a medical emergency at my school and long story short, I was in Heaven. I was actually happy but I couldn't stay because it wasn't my time. Then I woke up in the hospital. Not many people were worried about me. My family and teachers were worried and a few friends. But thats it. I do so much for everyone to only have a few friends actually check on me. This is what made me get closer to the girl I love. For the first time in a while, she actually showed she cared about me. She kept asking everyone about how I am and trying to figure out what happened to me. Eventually one of my friends just told her to call me herself.

 

We started getting on the phone with each other, showing more emotions to each other, and basically talking like we were together. We even talked about how we both don't want kids. But we kind of do anyways. She talked about me in a good way to everyone whenever she saw me and even when I wasn't there. There wasn't really a day that her and I didnt talk after what happened to me. That's what prompted me to buy her stuff for her birthday. She didn't think she would get much for her birthday. I was late with the gift because I had to go back to the hospital. But I love her and I wanted her to have a great birthday so I still gave it to her. It seemed like she started liking me more because of it too.

 

But the thing about it, I didn't actually give her birthday gift to her myself. We live by each other so I had got a ride there but I couldn't go myself. I was in pain so my mom took it to the door and gave it to her mom who said hey to me. Yeah I know I should've did it myself but I guess I have deep feelings for her because no other girl has me that shy. Other girls I've bought stuff for were so easy for me to give but with this one, its so hard. So I ended up finding out that she wanted me to give her birthday gift myself. But I couldn't because I had no clue when I would get back to school.

 

One day when I wasn't feeling well and had to leave school to go the doctor, she had say hey Jerry to me with a huge smile and I just said wassup without actually giving any emotion or hugging her or anything. Her friends were like "awww". You know how females react to stuff like that. But I was feeling so bad that once I came home from the doctor and took my medicine and went to sleep, I woke up and realized that I basically just ignored her. She kind of ignored me a little after that but we got back to talking regularly. So still, we were good after that.

 

Then I found out that she talks to someone and then we kind of got to arguing. But like a few days after, we were cool and agreed to just be friends. But again we started talking like we were dating. But we hardly saw each other at school anymore since I spent most of my time in class trying to graduate high school and the school had tests going on so they had us on a certain schedule. She's on vacation this summer and now it seems she's ignoring me and I know I'm probably the only one she ignores. For some reason, even though I try to treat her the best, I still get the bottom of the barrel. Its so hard to deal with my feelings for her because its not like I don't try to move on. Me and her can't stop talking past two months and we both try to move on. She has told me to move on before and I told her to move on before. But its like we can't and I think she realizes it too.

 

Two years ago, I started on a book but I finally published a few weeks ago. I haven't really gotten sales that much which leaves me in disappointment. I worked hard on that book and I'm trying to get it noticed by people. But its not working much.

 

Not only that, I want to go to college but because I have no scholarships, I will have to pay a lot and I was going to go for the summer. But when I did my financial aid, I was stressed out and applied for the fall session of aid. But I applied for the summer session for college. I had to apply for the summer session of aid but it was late. By the time I got it, I had already dropped my schedule for the summer. I had already planned on leaving soon and now I can't go because I didnt have enough money.

 

On top of that, I have been having chest pains, dizziness, weakness, and other symptoms that I'm supposed to tell my doctor and others. But I've chosen not to because whenever I feel sick, people tell me to deal with it and be a man.

 

Now I'm depressed and I am honestly praying to God for my death. I was so peaceful in Heaven and I didn't have to worry or stress. I was with my grand parents and happy. But now I'm back on this Earth having to deal with all this stress and pain. I'm tired of being strong and having to be there for everyone when I'm not even happy myself. I can't do this much longer.

[No Limit]

Your problem is that you're too kind. Sounds weird but it's still true. You need a barrier between yourself and other people and protect yourself in life - someone treats you bad? F!ck them! Leave them behind and move on. Everyone considers you to be "ol' faithful" and use that shamelessly. Someone ignores you? Ignore them back. Don't continue to put them on pedestals; people who want to stick around tend to show you that long-term, just because they are nice at first doesn't mean they are nice people.

 

Next - plan everything beforehand and as precisely as is possible, everything else is bound to be messy which also isn't attractive. Can you go to college next year? And until then, maybe get a mini-job to keep busy?

 

And the only one you have to be there for is yourself. And from the sound of it you've neglected yourself for quite some time - but it's far from being too late, don't you worry.