G.I.G.S or not ?

[nns91]

Hi everyone,

 

First of all, I apologize for the length of this story.

 

I never thought I would be in this position. Unfortunately, here I am. Things ended between me and my gf of more than 3 years over a month ago.

 

It happened very abruptly when I got some bizarre texts from her apologizing and wanting to call me. She got emotional when calling me and said she was sorry that she hurts me but things are going to end between us. To me, it was like an atomic bomb dropped onto my head. I did not believe it till when she asked me if she could still check in in 6 months to a year to see how I am doing. Afterward, we skyped/facetimed and she gave me the reason that she never felt connected to me, always have to trick and deceive herself into loving me. Now, she has found a new person with whom she felt connected on all level. She started to drink more and miss schoolwork deadlines, which are very uncharacteristic of her. She felt life is too short to not have fun and be happy.

 

The reason I said I was shocked because we have been doing great for the past 3 years (we met during college and I just moved away after graduation for the past 10 months). I have also been accepted into her family even though her parents are very strict about who she should be with. She actually just visited me on her spring break at the end of March (so about 3-4 weeks before this incident). We went out to do fun things and eat. She cooked dinner as I came home from school. Everything was great. After that, we still do our normal communication through skype/texting everyday. Everything was normal so I never saw it coming.

 

About a week before it happened, we did not get chance to skype as often but I thought it was due to her studying for exams/writing essay so I did not pick up anything.

 

Well I was asking her for one more opportunity to work things out now I am aware that she was not happy with our current situation. However, she made the point of “why does she have to work for it while she can naturally have fun now with this new person?” She does not want to give me a chance because she thinks it is a waste of time since she is having fun right now. She was very adamant about it even though I asked her to reconsider it and we would talk again the next day.

 

We did skype again the next day but she did not change her decision even though there were moments she got emotional and showed signs of wavering when I told her about how much she meant to me and such. Nevertheless, she stuck with her decision.

 

I did not contact her for 2 weeks. I decided to go back to my college for a in person talk. Pretty much, within that 2 weeks, things have moved fast between her and the guy. Right after she ended things with me, the guy ended things with his significant other. Then, the two became official (I assume within 2-3 days). It means that they were planning it together.

 

So I did come back and she wanted to go out for dinner. I took her to our special occasion restaurant in town and sat at the same table of our first date. Then we walked around, talked, played games with our friends till late. During the entire night, we were talking pretty much like before about casual topics. Once in a while, the topic of “giving it one more try” popped up. During dinner, she kinda opened up herself to that. However, at the end of the night, she was not. A few times she said felt uncomfortable with me.

 

At the end of the night, we even had a conversation with our friends involved where questions were being asked about whether she jumped to the conclusion too quickly and how giving us a chance to work things out could be worth it given the fact we were together for more than 3 years.

 

However, she was not really open to work it out. Her argument was why should she waste 2 weeks to a month of her time to let us work things out while she can just enjoy happiness right now. She pretty much said that it did not have to be this specific person but she just realized that there were better people out there for her and I was just a safe choice who fits her parent’s expectation and was conveniently there for her. Also, she reemphasized how she now has found her soulmate and is madly in love. She said she can die happily right now, something she never felt with me.

 

This is all shocking to everyone who knew us since they all thought we were opposite of what she said.

 

I did admit that I am not the best at expressing feelings but I try to compensate for that by being caring, understanding, and tolerant of her flaws. I am no where near perfect. I have been working on expression and will continue to do so. For example, I visited her about 2 weeks after my ACL surgery when I was still limping around because I wanted to be with her for our 3rd anniversary.

 

So at the end of our conversations involving friends, she just left and not wanting to deal with it. I have not contacted her since and left to go back to my city. That’s where we are at.

 

**********

 

So it has been a bit over a month now. I have since then traveled to visit friends every weekend and recovering. Last week, I sent her a letter telling her I respect her decision and wants she to be happy. I also thanked her for all she did for me and congratulated her on her recent achievements. I ended with telling her that I will always have a special place in my heart for her.

 

She wrote back to me. I actually have not received the letter but she contacted me a few days ago to ask if I got it yet. We then had a conversation (I read the letter through a photo she took of it). She gave me a quick update on her life as he ended things with the guy not too long after my visit. However, they are still close and hanging out like best buddies. The guy told her after they ended things that he had revived feelings for his ex. She was upset and yelled at him for that since she was super invested before. She is now all for trying new things and trying new people.

 

Here is where she stands: she knew what she did was not right but she did not regret that decision. She wrote that she has recently realized she had been living under the expectations of parents and now she wanted to break free. She loves spontaneity and adventures so she wants that everyday has to be different. Hence, she saw our relationship as mundane.

 

She said she knew I was a great person and probably will be the most selfless and loving person that she will ever meet but she does not think I am the right one pretty much because she thought I was mundane, we lack chemistry (chemistry was definitely there), and she felt awkward talking me (not true since she can talk anything with me. I sometimes just listen and do not contribute much when she talks about people).

 

The problem I have with that is that I am not against doing new things and such. I am always for it. If mundane is the problem then it is not impossible to change since it is just about doing things. When I told her that she said she did not think she is open to be back together.

 

After a day of chatting (pretty casual convo like how it was before), she just told me that she does not think she should talk to me this much anymore since she does not want to lead on to something and just want to “be friend with a good person”. She said as much as she would like to talk to me as friends she is afraid "the line" might get blurry later. That's where we are at

 

 

 

I am just curious to see what do you guys have to say about the situation? So sorry for the length

[ZiggyZoo]

I think she's actually being rather decent and honest with you. She's telling you in no uncertain terms that she's not interested in getting back together, and gave you several reasons why. I think she's right too, in that you guys should limit contact so as not to lead you on. I'd advise No Contact for a while honestly, because you're going to hurt yourself more every time you hang out with her and she's only interested in being friends. You need time to come to terms with the ending of this relationship before you could ever really be friends again.

[ravfour4]

I enjoyed reading your post. I understand the pain. This is essentially exactly what my ex gf of 4 years is doing, except she's been lying about everything and continually hopping between me and this new guy, despite having strong feelings for him and not me. I wish she was as honest as your ex.

 

She logically wants to be with me, but her feelings are elsewhere and she feels like she must follow them (even though blindly following her feelings landed her in a strong drug addicted physically abusive relationship before and now it's landed her in a screwed up situation with a vulnerable older married man w/ kids).

[nns91]

Oh yeah I have been doing no contact. The reason is I am not sure why she was so abrupt and adamant???? It's like there was no problem to begin with.

 

It's not like we have much problem over the past few years. As in terms of the mundane stuff, I can say with confidence that it is not intrinsic. She visited my in March and I take her to places to eat and do things together. During college, we were in a small place with nothing much to do and I did not have a car so we could only do things that are around town, which is not much.

[forumman83]

nns91 from reading your post it seems that your life basically revolved around your now ex girlfriend. would you say this is accurate? women want a man with his own thing. women want to be a piece of your world not your whole world. so when i read your posts and the things she said to you, it sounds like that was the problem.

 

you didn't make her FEEL sparks and excitement and attraction. you are mr. safe. mr. safe is a good thing to a certain extent in what is a pretty dark world but you also must develop the other part of you. your dark side if you will. your masculine side. it seems you are lacking that part of you and cling to your girl for feelings of comfort and safety. girls don't like this...

[goldway90]

Honestly i don't believe in this G.I.G.S thing tbh i'd say your relationship wasn't that perfect as you may think, i'm sure that some needs weren't met and if you add some poor communication you'll get some " out of blue break up". You're kind of needy with your letters and stuff you turned her off and the attraction is gone, you know her saying that the new guy understood her on so many levels means he made her tick, probably awaken some adventurous side of her she never knew was there, you never know really.

she's not your gf anymore you have to really let her go and go full NC, stop the letters and texting, never settle for friends only. You deserve someone you cherish your company and wants to go though the hardship of life together with no fear or anything.

[nns91]

Hey forumman83,

 

just out of curiosity, how did you deduce your conclusion from my post? what exactly you think is lacking ?

 

I think there is some validity to your statement but not all. I would say that it did revolve around her but not entirely. I still have my hobbies that I do or my passion for science that I focus on.

[nns91]

Honestly i don't believe in this G.I.G.S thing tbh i'd say your relationship wasn't that perfect as you may think, i'm sure that some needs weren't met and if you add some poor communication you'll get some " out of blue break up". You're kind of needy with your letters and stuff you turned her off and the attraction is gone, you know her saying that the new guy understood her on so many levels means he made her tick, probably awaken some adventurous side of her she never knew was there, you never know really.

she's not your gf anymore you have to really let her go and go full NC, stop the letters and texting, never settle for friends only. You deserve someone you cherish your company and wants to go though the hardship of life together with no fear or anything.

 

Well I did not mean to be needy with my letter. I just wanted her to acknowledge that I accepted and respected her decision. I have gone NC all along this time.

[goldway90]

Well I did not mean to be needy with my letter. I just wanted her to acknowledge that I accepted and respected her decision. I have gone NC all along this time.

No i'm talking about the way women look at it, you're kind invading her space you know!

It's great that you're going NC, remember it's for healing and moving on not to get her back. Work on yourself, hit the gym, date other girls ( casual stuff) to build your confidence and attraction, maybe she'll realize what she missing, maybe you meet someone who's better than, you never know. Remember take this time to improve, YOU not her or any other person.

[nns91]

I don't know what she meant by this but she said this to me: I was so surprised and touched by your letter and it made me really happy that you have come to acceptance.

 

I agree what you are saying. I am working on myself too since the day it happened. Ironically, I started going to the gym more frequently before it happened and just started to get back on track a week ago hahahah. I have been spending weekend to go visit friends and such.

[nns91]

Plus, she contacted me yesterday needing some help on some stuff. I helped her out and we talked for a bit about science. Then she felt stressed and low on her esteem so I talked to her to help her feel better. In the end, she said she really should not talk to me and the only reason she talked was because how she felt low at the time.

[ZiggyZoo]

That right there is why NC is so important for you. REAL NC too, she shouldn't be able to get ahold of you shy of a letter or face-to-face. All she's doing by contacting you is making herself feel better at your expense. I'm sure you think it's all fine, and actually a good thing, but it isn't. It actually shows a huge lack of respect for your feelings. She KNOWS that you want to be more than friends. She also knows that it's hard for you to keep hanging out. Yet she does it anyway. This is cruel, and will continue, and keep hindering your progress until you actually block her.

[Novice]

OP the end of a 3 year relationship out of the blue is nothing short of devastatingly hurtful, the positive thing is that your ex is being crisp clean brutally honest with you.

 

Your brain is being flooded (and will continue to be flooded as long as you're not going full no contact) by emotions of missing her, bargaining how you might change, reimagining how things were before she left and how amazing it's gonna be if she returns. Snap out of it.

Even if she came back in the next 5 minutes crying for a second chance, would you really want to go back to someone who threw you away because she wanted to "have fun now"?

Deep down do you feel that her actions in taking you for granted and tossing you away for (essentially and bluntly) another boytoy show maturity or the caliber of the kind of person you wanna commit any number of more years to?

 

The way I see it she did you a favour by being so blunt and so honest and not faltering from giving you the grimacing reasons why she left. Whenever you miss her remember her words about her having fun and not wanting to wait 2 weeks. That's the kind of person that puts immediate gratification instead of the honest mature love that you provided her, and believe me if you go back to her that's going to haunt you for the rest of your life with her.

[nns91]

Hey guys,

 

So I came to her graduation and met her family. They were really surprised but happy to see me there. We hung out for the entire day like the good old days haha.... I took her around for photos and then helped her pack and load up the car. Her parents invited me to lunch and dinner.

 

The entire time she was fine and normal. She said she was touched that I was there for her graduation. We did not have a lot of alone time. However, there were moments I did feel she was fine by the way she acted and how she joked around asking me how goofy she looked when trying on random accessories when we were shopping with her parents.

 

I was left kinda confused after the night. I know I should not raise my hope up but at the same time I kinda saw a glimpse of hope as she did not adamantly refuse to be around me. I know she was definitely more excited when she saw her other friends compared to how she talked to/acted around me yesterday.

[ZiggyZoo]

OFriend. Zoned. You need NC, to step back and see that she is NOT interested in anything else. You're seeing hope in the fact that she didn't adamantly refuse to see you, which also probably applies to 98% of the people she knows. And her parents being surprised to see you should have been a big tipoff too. Nothing makes a breakup permanent and official like the parents knowing about it.

[nns91]

Well I think they were pleasantly surprised since they really liked me. I knew her mum adamantly suggested her to give me another shot.

[JewelD]

I think you're in the stage of denial. Even from your OP, she said there was no chemistry and you say chemistry was definitely there. It's not a one-sided thing, you BOTH have to feel it for it to be there. Just because you felt it and thought she did doesn't mean it's true.

 

Nothing you're doing is going to make her want you back. You're actually pushing her further away. It doesn't matter if her family loves you, if her friends love you, that's not going to change how she feels. She got dumped by the other guy and still hasn't tried to come back to you.

 

Despite what her actions may have seemed like to you, you have to believe her when she says she made the right decision. You can't make somebody love you. And hanging around showing up to her events writing letters, etc, is just making you seem desperate and blocking your chances of meeting someone who actually wants to be with you.

 

We've all done it, tried to reason with an ex, rationalize things, but at the end of the day, if you have to talk somebody into being with you, it's not going to last anyway. They have to want it on their own.

 

Stop putting yourself through this pain and humiliation and go NC! This is not Family Matters, you're not going to wear her down by showing up everywhere like Steve Urkel.

[Popsicle]

What is GIGS?

[nns91]

I guess there are a few points I want to clarify. First of all, I have already come to acceptance that she is gone. The thing is the way she structured it was that it was something about me. However, the situation is more about her finally realized she has been living under her parents' expectations for so long.

 

All I have done is not trying to be desperate.I just did it out of respect and care for a person since it was an important day and her parents were there so I wanted to at least say hi to be respectful. It ended up that they invited me to hang out.

 

Yes, I am focusing on myself now. I have been back to doing things with friends and stuff.