bebe23 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 This is something that came to me when I was reading the 'looking at other women' thread. I deeply love my husband of 18 years, almost 19. We have had some big trials in the past (the biggest ones being his military deployment and his job loss at one point, financial hardship, etc.) In the years since then, he changed his career and is now a business owner making a decent living. (He is a workaholic, though, and that's been a big problem that I've posted here about.) I also have a part-time job that is very rewarding, after years of staying home with our kids. But I've been struggling with looking at other men- and I'm terrified that maybe it's because I'm losing attraction to my husband. It's some kind of midlife crisis, possibly? I just turned 45. I find myself looking more and more at younger, cute men. I even have a 'type'- dark haired/complexioned, stocky, even slightly overweight guys with boyish baby faces and dark eyes. I have had online crushes on strangers, just random guys on Facebook. In real life, I had a little crush on my daughter's coach a few years ago. My H and I are deeply faithful Christians and do not believe in affairs, or divorce. Our sex life has always been fine. But then, I was a virgin until I was with him. I've only had 1 sex partner my entire life, my husband, because I have had traditional Christian morals. When I was young, I didn't actually have that much of a sex drive, so I was okay with abstinence. I was a late bloomer. What I DID want badly was to to find a committed, loving, Christian, non-drinking, decently attractive husband and have children. I didn't sleep around or have many boyfriends in my college years. I happily married my college sweetheart at age 25. Since I've been in my 40's, I've finally started to have more of a sex drive! I have a lot of sexual thoughts and fantasies. Problem is, my fantasies aren't about my husband. I'm an amateur writer and reader of romance novels and I struggle with reading erotica online. I get more aroused by the fictional characters I read about than I do when I'm with my husband. I can orgasm and I do enjoy sex with my H, but not as intensely as when I'm alone reading fictional romance novels. So in a nutshell, I guess I'm the female equivalent of a husband who watches porn. I have crushes on younger men and I read 'mommy porn.' WHY am I doing this when I've had such a strong faithful marriage with my wonderful, hard working and good, godly husband? We are going on vacation soon, and I want to enjoy him and the kids when we are there, try to stay off the reading material and try to keep my eyes off glancing at other men. Is this normal? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I don't know how much to make of you looking at other men. It could be just a function of your increased sex drive, but the fact that your increased sexual interest doesn't seem to be focused on your husband is concerning. I wouldn't suggest telling your husband about your roving eye, but I do think you need to talk with him about your increased drive and about things you'd like to explore in the bedroom with him. If you've been pretty low-drive before, this might be a bit of shock for him, but he'll get over it, I can almost guarantee. And if anything IS lacking in the relationship, now would be a good time to explore that as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Opinions about what is normal is debatable, but 'glancing' at beautiful people isn't abnormal. The contents of your mind belong to you. What you think about belongs to you. If you think about robbing a bank you're not guilty of anything. It's only when you rob the bank that you've crossed the line. Think what you like. At this point, you've done nothing wrong. You're a good, loving, and faithful wife. A point about privacy and secrecy: We all have a right to privacy, and the right to decide what we want to share, and what we prefer not to share. That right is absolute. A toxic secret is different, though. A toxic secret is something that is hidden from a person who has the right to know it, because it affects them. In your case it's a privacy issue, not a toxic secret. Carry on being a loving partner, and keep your passing saucy thoughts to yourself. They harm no one. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I think it's normal to notice people we're attracted to. I also think it's normal to fantasize about other people when we're in committed relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) irrespective of what your religious beliefs are, if you are sexually stimulated by men...you might slip up some night when you are in a bar visiting a female friend, and some hot guy starts hitting on you! How about getting your hubby to look more sexually attractive to you? It is fully acceptable to buy him some new GQ type clothing, throw away the tighty whities, etc. Buy him some new cologne, and when he wears it comment on how sexy he smells. Maybe write some sexual short stories with him in them, and text him paragraphs of the stories during the day--it will get your sexy mind thinking about HIM, and will also get him to think about being with you as soon as he gets home. Maybe you can buy some marital aids that will help you in the bedroom with him. Don't watch tv at night with him, stream sexy movies/show instead, like outlander, red shoes diaries, 9 1/2 weeks.... i.e. sex attraction does not just happen....you both have to work on it! Edited June 9, 2015 by spanz1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Is this normal? Welcome to your 40s. It is very, very normal... The trick (I believe) is to share the fantasies with your husband and allow both of you to revel in your new libido. Also (from friends and family) the whole libido surge may/will happen again in your mid-60s. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Get ready for the posts about how disrespectful it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bebe23 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 irrespective of what your religious beliefs are, if you are sexually stimulated by men...you might slip up some night when you are in a bar visiting a female friend, and some hot guy starts hitting on you! How about getting your hubby to look more sexually attractive to you? It is fully acceptable to buy him some new GQ type clothing, throw away the tighty whities, etc. Buy him some new cologne, and when he wears it comment on how sexy he smells. Maybe write some sexual short stories with him in them, and text him paragraphs of the stories during the day--it will get your sexy mind thinking about HIM, and will also get him to think about being with you as soon as he gets home. Maybe you can buy some marital aids that will help you in the bedroom with him. Don't watch tv at night with him, stream sexy movies/show instead, like outlander, red shoes diaries, 9 1/2 weeks.... i.e. sex attraction does not just happen....you both have to work on it! Well...it's not like I can make him gain weight to have a physique like some of my crushes. He's naturally thin, and I wouldn't want to be a 'feeder.' That's just weird, like a fetish. He's always been physically fit and athletic, too. He's just not that muscular, but I never was into muscleheads anyway. For some reason my true physical preference was always chubbyish men, but I overlooked that when I fell in love with my husband over 20 years ago, because he had other qualities that I loved. I DO wish he'd dress better. He wears the same old T-shirts and wrinkled cheap pants from Walmart to work. He is not into image or fashion at all. When I suggest things he could wear, or what I like him to wear, he gets mad and resentful- "why don't you just love me the way I am?" He did wear his one (15 year old) suit and tie last Easter Sunday and I made sure I told him I liked how he looked in it. He gets angry and resentful when I nitpick about how he dresses and things like that. (No, he's not picky about what I wear either. If I wear a nice dress to church he doesn't really even notice.) And one thing that makes me feel VERY fortunate is that he finds me sexy even though I have been overweight most of my life. There were a few years during our marriage that I dieted and exercised and got down to a slim healthy weight, but there really was no difference in how he treated me. He's desired me whether I weighed 130 or 180. He thinks I'm perfect right now, even at 165 and size 14. So with that in mind, I really shouldn't be shallow about his thinner physique or the fact he's going grey rapidly and looking older than me. He is a good man, father and provider. I do wish he'd let me have fun taking him shopping for more stylish and flattering outfits. I also wouldn't mind if he had a stylist get his dark hair back and cover the grey. If there was only a way I could encourage those 'physical attraction' things without him being angry or offended by it. I guess I am shallower than I thought. I hate that about myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 So much of arousal and attraction is mental. You need to delve into fantasy world with your husband, share fantasies with him and let him be the one associated with your highest states of arousal. As for his attire, I think it's ok to say that you've noticed how sharp and sexy men look when they wear such-and-such, and it would really turn you on for him to do the same. He doesn't have to go along with it, but let him know that this is tied to attraction and arousal, and not just nitpicking. Link to post Share on other sites
kdgsupermom Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Hi bebe23, congratulations on soon to be 19 years of marriage. That is awesome! I would imagine after all those years it can get hard keeping the marriage spicy. Maybe trying new things in the bedroom with your husband will refresh and re-ignite the flame. I am happy to hear that you have strong Christian beliefs. From a Christian prospective, maybe it would be a good idea to take a break from the romance novels. Do you think its creating conflict...creating false expectations of what the romance in your marriage should be like? Keep praying and asking God to remove these feelings for other men. The issue sounds like it is coming from a spiritual warfare. So I think tackling the issue spiritually will help. Maybe it would be a good idea to sit down with your husband and discuss your needs. Praying and discovering together new ways to refresh the marriage. It may even help to talk with a trusted female leader in your church. Whatever you do please don't let the thoughts grow. Praying for you! kdgsupermom Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I DO wish he'd dress better. He wears the same old T-shirts and wrinkled cheap pants from Walmart to work. He is not into image or fashion at all. When I suggest things he could wear, or what I like him to wear, he gets mad and resentful- "why don't you just love me the way I am?" . that is almost word for word what my wife told me when I encouraged her to wear sexier clothes, ditch the granny panties, buy some lingerie (or at least let me buy it for her).... I think there is a deep subconscious thought of "I am not good enough, and he/she is trying to dress me up to make me look like other women (men) he/she is looking at". When the reality is that you actually DO like the way they look, and want to stimulate more sex and more married flirting at home, and hope that the sexy clothes will "set the mood". So..do not be discouraged. Try some baby steps, with lots of encouragement along the way. Eventually, maybe 6 months later, he will start to get a clue. Link to post Share on other sites
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