My bf is still attached to his first love... an the jealousy is killing me!!

[flyBYluv]

So, when I first met my boyfriend last august, we fell in love gradually and considdered ourselves an "us" by the middle of September. We have become extremely close since then, and considdering it's April of the following year and we are still together, we both realize that this is something eternally special. We don't really talk about our past relationships that often, only on occation, because we care about the other people that we love. But considdering that we both agreed that first loves never die, we are open about it. One night we were telling each other about our first loves, and when I remember what he said about her (I remember every word) I remember it seeming really firey and more serious than I considdered my first love. And that's okay! I'm fine with that. He is still friends with this girl, Sam is her name, (they went out off-n-on throughout high school actually) and that's fine, because she seems like a well put-together girl that I could possibly be friends with. The issue that keeps haunting me is that I found a saved AIM conversation on his computer between my bf and Sam in January I think, and it was written on the 30th of November. They said hi and then he talked about his problems in school. Then he asked if her then-current relationship with her bf was serious ("by serious i meant in love") is what he said on the email- she said no, but then asks the same question directed at his relationship with me. He answers "definitely, absolutely, yes". (That made me grin when I saw that). But then she comes back with "but ud come back here [Ohio] and have sex w/ me, explain that". My stomach got a little queezy then... To THAT, he said "no I won't, i have a gf". (He los his virginity and I emotionally lost my virginity with him). She mentions that he sent her a text that said otherwise and he denied that with "NO". All in all, the conversation obviously demonstrated to me, as i read it, that they 1) still have an emotional and sexual connection, 2) he has the intention of remaining faithful to me, and 3) Having sex with Sam was still one of his life goals (she actually reminded him in the AIM conversation that he SAID that; he said "not anymore, sry") BUT COME oN!!

 

Okay, I must say that he has made it obvious to me that I'm the only person he has loved more than Sam when they were going out, and I believe him. I also know that he has the same if not MORE firey jealously towards me and my most recent guy, that i ended a relationship in the end of August (more recent relationship than with my bf and Sam... hmmm). We might be even as far as the jealously level goes, but hey, I'm the one writing this post. hehe.

 

Unfortunately, my gut is telling me that he still means to have sex with her sometime because he still wants to have a deap connection with her. *As I must admit, I still have a deap connection with my last bf, but im not in love with him anymore.

 

Our first year of college is coming to an end in about 2 1/2 wks and then we both go to our original homes, me, Boulder, CO, and him, Cincinnati, OH. We plan on visiting each other and hangin out before we both come back to Arizona for school in the fall. We are both extremely excited to see our old friends again, which also impinges the jealousy issue. Both of us want to remain a couple throughout the summer, but I know that i couldn't deal with a one-night-stand slip by him, with Sam especially. One key factor: we are both very, very, very enthusiastic partiers

 

I am jealous of this girl, and he is jealous of the guys that still want me when I am back in Colorado, but we both have extrememly strong heads on our shoulders and can say no when we mean it.

 

MY MAIN QUESTION IS: I want to talk ask him what is "going to happen" this summer between us (and those select significant others), but I really don't want to come off as suspicious or most of all, distrusting, because that could lead to worse things, I am just concerned about his plans and i think he is concerned about mine. How would YOU approach this situation???

[Cecelius]

I would listen to your gut. If you think there's significant chance that something unfortunate will happen, then I'd pull back from the guy a little.

 

However, I will point this out: it may be a boy thing but your b/f is not the first guy to regret not sleeping with someone. A lot of young men fantasize about getting the one that got away

[Bunnylove]

Seems to me that he really wants to be faithfull or maybe he just isn't interested in his ex anymore. I still have fond feeling for many of my ex's but would NEVER go back there again. It also seems like you two are a good match for each other as your both in the same place making it easy to understand each others concirns. Maybe he is JUST as concirned as you are? Why not have dinner alone one night and have an open discussion about what you both want to do with the relationship over the summer? You seemed to have been open enough to discuss feelings about ex's. I don't think it should be too difficult to discuss your summer. First i would decided what YOU want. Do you want to remain in a monogomous relationship with him over the summer? If YOU do then would you expect HIM to? I would be very open minded at this stage though so as not to get hurt if he deosnt give you the answer you want. If he says he doesnt know...you have to MAKE SURE you DO know before time runs out. If he leaves and you remain faithfull but he decides different you will be hurt and the relationship damaged. I think for a relationship to work you HAVE to be honest, open and to be able to communicate well. At this stage you seem to have that so don't let your thoughts wind you up too much and TALK to HIM! I have found that in my past I have expected the guy i'm with to have an understanding about relationships as I do. Monogamy for me is a must and I have very strict boundries for example I would consider kissing another girl as cheating. Unfortunetly my last boyf did'nt and because of our lack of understanding of the relationship i got hurt and the whole thing came to a clumsy end....(although we have remained freinds). I would say for you it might be time to find out what your relationship with him is all about. Do you both want monogamy? WHAT would you consider cheating ect...........time for you both to lay cards on the table!

 

much love xxx

[flyBYluv]

Well, time has definitely passed since i posted that longass story. my bf and i DID talk and we DEFINITLY want to remain faithful to one another over the summer. I did, however, have a crazy outburst the other day thinking... ' how can he go from being VERY sexually active with me to having no sex at all for over a month.. haha.. so i doubted that he could do it , and i called him and asked him " how can u NOT at least kiss someone for over a month when he's in cincinnati when we had so much love between us when we were with each other? He said "because i love u". duh.. yea, i know, it was all an outburst influenced by PMS or some crap like that, but im over it. i laugh about it now cuz he didn't think it was that big deal cuz he knew i was emotional. <3 so my point is that it is okay to have an outburst of worry or jealousy to the one u love, just so long as u are tryin to understand his reaction