LovelyBrown Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I had not seen him in over a week since he tried to apologize and wanted to be friends. During that conversation, I somehow ended up being okay with him...but after having time to process it I realized how wrong and horrid that conversation was. Anyways, today he is around...I went to the common area while he was there and he asked me how things were going, all I said was "oh, they're fine" then I talked to my other coworker and left... Why does this feel childish? I really don't want to engage him at all, saying nothing felt wrong as I'm trying to be civil and professional, but giving him a short answer felt petty? How does everyone do this? I don't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I'm still hung up on him (even if I am) because I'm being petty. Am I? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 It's not petty. It reminds me of when people are told they need to do NC and one of the push backs is that it feels immature, childish or petty. I understand why it seems that way to someone who thinks it's a way to get the person to respond to you and come back...but if you're looking at it in terms of what it's really meant for-heal YOURSELF- then you realize it's not at all petty. It's not about them.You not talking to them isn't a punishment for them, or an unjustified childish tactic, it's a tool of recovery for YOU. Same here. You are not required to be best friends with him or friends at all. He is your coworker and you're a professional. You can greet him or respond cordially to him and go on about your work business. This is normal. What else do you want to do? Have lunch together? Chit chat about weekend plans at the coffee machine? Stop by his office and bring him donuts? I mean...what more do you think you should be doing to not be "petty?" The A ended and he is an ASS! From that last last thread and your admission he was horrid, so why is it that we're scared to hurt horrid people's feelings or why do we care if horrid people think we're petty? Of course he might try to say you're petty because you're no longer doing what he wants...but he can screw himself frankly. I've never worked with a romantic interest or had an affair with someone I worked with, fortunately, as that is difficult to navigate, so others can chime in on exactly what they did. But my advice would be avoid one on one socializing and imagine him as just another coworker. If you see him in the hallway or common area, say hello as bare minimum and keep it moving. If you're in a group setting try to focus more on other people but if he specifically addresses you, respond. But otherwise, don't engage him more than necessary. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I don't. Since he actually apologized to me and I ended up telling him off, I've seen him twice. Both times I looked right through him and ignored him. He did not say anything either. It didn't hurt me like it used to. There was some point of finality I finally reached. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 It's not petty. It reminds me of when people are told they need to do NC and one of the push backs is that it feels immature, childish or petty. I understand why it seems that way to someone who thinks it's a way to get the person to respond to you and come back...but if you're looking at it in terms of what it's really meant for-heal YOURSELF- then you realize it's not at all petty. It's not about them.You not talking to them isn't a punishment for them, or an unjustified childish tactic, it's a tool of recovery for YOU. Same here. You are not required to be best friends with him or friends at all. He is your coworker and you're a professional. You can greet him or respond cordially to him and go on about your work business. This is normal. What else do you want to do? Have lunch together? Chit chat about weekend plans at the coffee machine? Stop by his office and bring him donuts? I mean...what more do you think you should be doing to not be "petty?" The A ended and he is an ASS! From that last last thread and your admission he was horrid, so why is it that we're scared to hurt horrid people's feelings or why do we care if horrid people think we're petty? Of course he might try to say you're petty because you're no longer doing what he wants...but he can screw himself frankly. I've never worked with a romantic interest or had an affair with someone I worked with, fortunately, as that is difficult to navigate, so others can chime in on exactly what they did. But my advice would be avoid one on one socializing and imagine him as just another coworker. If you see him in the hallway or common area, say hello as bare minimum and keep it moving. If you're in a group setting try to focus more on other people but if he specifically addresses you, respond. But otherwise, don't engage him more than necessary. Thanks so much for the great advice! Its difficult because where we work is a small business and we are all really close (hang out, visit with each other) so everyone's interactions are very casual. I'm usually a very friendly, happy person so it just felt weird to be so short with someone, specially someone I used to care so much about. You are right, I shouldn't care what he thinks because at the end of the day this is about me and moving on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 A tight smile & a nod. If the other person tries to engage you in conversation that is not directly work related suddenly remember you have a particular matter to attend to at your own desk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 A tight smile & a nod. If the other person tries to engage you in conversation that is not directly work related suddenly remember you have a particular matter to attend to at your own desk. I may have been a bit "too" standoffish, I'm just not at the place where I can exchange nicesities with him. I hope that comes with more time. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Lovely, I was thinking more about how you said you felt a bit childish and petty, etc. I absolutely get where you're coming from. Everytime for the past few months xAP and I have had to speak (few minutes a week for strictly work related matters over the phone), I have come off as short, curt, and plain angry. I used to think the same as you, then I started to examine it. First of all, if you're actually worried about what your xAP is thinking about how you're acting, he should be expect this. He's a fool if he doesn't. Number two, I realized that I was acting the way I act because it was more than just me being angry. I was acting that way to serve a purpose. I act that way towards people who have hurt me, because it's me putting my walls back up so that I do not let them back in. Does that make any sense? I'm not saying you have to be 100% rude and hang up on him like I did (giggle), but I guess what I'm trying to say is... most of the time, we do not act like this because we are childish and immature! There's usually a much, much deeper reason for it. I invite you to think about it for a few minutes, really think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 Lovely, I was thinking more about how you said you felt a bit childish and petty, etc. I absolutely get where you're coming from. Everytime for the past few months xAP and I have had to speak (few minutes a week for strictly work related matters over the phone), I have come off as short, curt, and plain angry. I used to think the same as you, then I started to examine it. First of all, if you're actually worried about what your xAP is thinking about how you're acting, he should be expect this. He's a fool if he doesn't. Number two, I realized that I was acting the way I act because it was more than just me being angry. I was acting that way to serve a purpose. I act that way towards people who have hurt me, because it's me putting my walls back up so that I do not let them back in. Does that make any sense? I'm not saying you have to be 100% rude and hang up on him like I did (giggle), but I guess what I'm trying to say is... most of the time, we do not act like this because we are childish and immature! There's usually a much, much deeper reason for it. I invite you to think about it for a few minutes, really think. The bolded part spoke to me! Thank you, Goldie. Deep down I know that if I was to be nice I would allow myself to feel what I felt before, because he would be the same and we would be right back in square one. To be completely honest I had a really tough time today, I missed him a lot I even considered sending him a quick note "about work" I think it's because I can still see his sappy expression from yesterday. So, if I'm still in a zone where I'm having those thoughts being totally nice to him would be too risky, so yes, my wall has gone up.. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 The bolded part spoke to me! Thank you, Goldie. Deep down I know that if I was to be nice I would allow myself to feel what I felt before, because he would be the same and we would be right back in square one. To be completely honest I had a really tough time today, I missed him a lot I even considered sending him a quick note "about work" I think it's because I can still see his sappy expression from yesterday. So, if I'm still in a zone where I'm having those thoughts being totally nice to him would be too risky, so yes, my wall has gone up.. One day, you will come to a point of indifference where you may be able to have a semi polite conversation with him. I don't think you're at that point yet. I'm not at that point either. It doesn't hurt like it used to for me, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. I feel the indifference slowly making its way in, but it really is a process. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I had not seen him in over a week since he tried to apologize and wanted to be friends. During that conversation, I somehow ended up being okay with him...but after having time to process it I realized how wrong and horrid that conversation was. Anyways, today he is around...I went to the common area while he was there and he asked me how things were going, all I said was "oh, they're fine" then I talked to my other coworker and left... Why does this feel childish? I really don't want to engage him at all, saying nothing felt wrong as I'm trying to be civil and professional, but giving him a short answer felt petty? How does everyone do this? I don't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I'm still hung up on him (even if I am) because I'm being petty. Am I? How do you greet him? You don't! You need to just tell him that since the A is over there is no friendship, nothing and ask him to please respect YOUR decision to look the other way when he sees you and not make any conversation. You only talk to him if need be, on a professional level when it pertains to work related issues. You cannot control what he thinks or feels, so you do what is right for you and stop worrying about how it might come across to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 How do you greet him? You don't! You need to just tell him that since the A is over there is no friendship, nothing and ask him to please respect YOUR decision to look the other way when he sees you and not make any conversation. You only talk to him if need be, on a professional level when it pertains to work related issues. You cannot control what he thinks or feels, so you do what is right for you and stop worrying about how it might come across to him. Would it be a good idea to actually communicate that to him? I really don't think he thinks we can't and shouldn't keep our friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Would it be a good idea to actually communicate that to him? I really don't think he thinks we can't and shouldn't keep our friendship. Do it by email that way he can't try to manipulate you or try to change your mind. Just be honest and tell him that it's best for you that there is no friendship, that it's unfair not only to you, but to his wife whom he's trying to reconnect with and fix things with her. Make sure at some point in the email to tell him not to reply back to you, that you aren't interested in any response back, the only thing you want from him is for him to please leave you alone and respect your wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 Do it by email that way he can't try to manipulate you or try to change your mind. Just be honest and tell him that it's best for you that there is no friendship, that it's unfair not only to you, but to his wife whom he's trying to reconnect with and fix things with her. Make sure at some point in the email to tell him not to reply back to you, that you aren't interested in any response back, the only thing you want from him is for him to please leave you alone and respect your wishes. I can't... Last time we spoke he said his wife now has access to his email, his phone etc... One of the reasons he said he couldn't be with me because he just couldn't get away ( I know that sounds horrible, I feel awful when I think about it). Anyway, I would either have to call or talk in person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I had not seen him in over a week since he tried to apologize and wanted to be friends. During that conversation, I somehow ended up being okay with him...but after having time to process it I realized how wrong and horrid that conversation was. Anyways, today he is around...I went to the common area while he was there and he asked me how things were going, all I said was "oh, they're fine" then I talked to my other coworker and left... Why does this feel childish? I really don't want to engage him at all, saying nothing felt wrong as I'm trying to be civil and professional, but giving him a short answer felt petty? How does everyone do this? I don't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I'm still hung up on him (even if I am) because I'm being petty. Am I? No, you're not being petty. You handled it just perfectly, imo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 No, you're not being petty. You handled it just perfectly, imo. Thank you! I absolutely hate how I second guess every single interaction I have with this man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I can't... Last time we spoke he said his wife now has access to his email, his phone etc... One of the reasons he said he couldn't be with me because he just couldn't get away ( I know that sounds horrible, I feel awful when I think about it). Anyway, I would either have to call or talk in person. So email him anyway. His wife knows of the affair, if she reads the email it'll show her that his contact towards you is unwanted and you are the one telling HIM to leave you alone and not talk to you. I am surprised that she hasn't pushed him to quit his job or ask or a transfer. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Thank you! I absolutely hate how I second guess every single interaction I have with this man. He will get the message if you keep this up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I can't... Last time we spoke he said his wife now has access to his email, his phone etc... One of the reasons he said he couldn't be with me because he just couldn't get away ( I know that sounds horrible, I feel awful when I think about it). Mine said the exact same thing. Lol Crazy, huh? That really disturbed me. Anyway, you only engaging with him in a professional way and nothing more will get the message across. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I had not seen him in over a week since he tried to apologize and wanted to be friends. During that conversation, I somehow ended up being okay with him...but after having time to process it I realized how wrong and horrid that conversation was. Anyways, today he is around...I went to the common area while he was there and he asked me how things were going, all I said was "oh, they're fine" then I talked to my other coworker and left... Why does this feel childish? I really don't want to engage him at all, saying nothing felt wrong as I'm trying to be civil and professional, but giving him a short answer felt petty? How does everyone do this? I don't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I'm still hung up on him (even if I am) because I'm being petty. Am I? "Don't buy bread and meat in the same store." Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 "Don't buy bread and meat in the same store." Yes, easier said than done. Hard when you have a strong connection and I guess not everyone's the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 Mine said the exact same thing. Lol Crazy, huh? That really disturbed me. Anyway, you only engaging with him in a professional way and nothing more will get the message across. It caught me by surprise when he said it. Which was ridiculous because he was trying to be all self righteous... They're so contracdicted. Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Yes, easier said than done. Hard when you have a strong connection and I guess not everyone's the same. Well isn't everything worth accomplishing easier said than done? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 So email him anyway. His wife knows of the affair, if she reads the email it'll show her that his contact towards you is unwanted and you are the one telling HIM to leave you alone and not talk to you. I am surprised that she hasn't pushed him to quit his job or ask or a transfer. I wanna avoid any drama with her( I've been told by other friends that she's not quite all there... So she would just loose it) his work is important to us and we can't afford to loose him. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 It caught me by surprise when he said it. Which was ridiculous because he was trying to be all self righteous... They're so contracdicted. Yes mine was self righteous too when he said it. Such a strange reaction. I too was taken by surprise. Link to post Share on other sites
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