He left his GF for me, now he's gone cold.

[spiderlily12]

Can't really ask my friends in real life because my friends are also his friends so really wanted some impartial advice.

 

I have been friends with this guy for about 4 years, in the last 2 years we became very close. We developed feelings for each other. However he had a long term girlfriend of 7-8 years which he means he has been dating her pretty much his entire adult life. I became single about half a year into our close friendship. We are both in our mid 20s.

 

We agreed not to act on our feelings, even took a break from each other during school holidays with about 3 months of no contact. This year when we returned our feelings came back stronger than ever. We became "best friends" again and then yes he began cheating on his gf. Pretty sure all our friends suspected something was up, our group at uni is pretty tight but seeing a guy and a girl together 24/7 is suss to anyone.

 

Eventually it got to the point where he told me he was in love with me.During this time we also exchanged some pretty emotional emails discussing our feelings.

 

Obviously I asked him the big question: if he loved me why doesn't he break up? He said he was scared. They had been together so long, they also had a tight group of friends who though they were the "perfect couple", their families were close etc. He also was scared my feelings for him would fade, he was insecure and thought based on looks/social status he wasn't good enough for me; and that if we didn't work out he would then have left a long, stable relationship for nothing.

 

After hearing that I kind of lost hope and tried to stop being so close to him. Unexpectedly I think this kind of motivated him to make a change and last Saturday night on their once a week date he did the unexpected thing and broke up with her. The day after he told me was crying, it really told me that he cared about her still. I didn't dare discuss anything about us when he was in that kind of upset state. To compound things apparently on Sunday night she apparently hacked into his emails and saw the stuff he had written me and so knows everything. He obviously got even more upset.

 

That night he got drunk (we were with our friends group) and when we were alone he told me he wanted to be with me. I said that it was too soon - I didn't want to be a rebound. He said "do you really think that's what it was about?" and that "I did this for you" and "I love you". I said maybe in about half a year or so at the minimum, but he said "what about in secret?" We'd previously talked about that, we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or create gossip in on group (although PRETTY SURE if he broke up everyone would know it had something to do with me). We kind of left the convo at that.

 

Next day (yes I see him every day for studying!! We have exams in 2 weeks. We are usually not alone though, our friends and espeically my house mate will also be there) he seemed to have calmed down and changed his mind. I know his GF was texting him all day, probably because she was pissed, and he said he wanted to be alone for a while and that he didn't want to continue it for a while, and that he wanted to clear his head. I thought this was all pretty fair. I know one of his major concerns was also that people would know it had something to do with me - i.e. that he "cheated". She changed her status on FB and everyone was asking him about it and making him super stressed, those of his friends who knew me flat out asked if it had something to do with me.

 

I tried to let him know I was still there to talk to him since we each others best friends, but that I would leave him alone to sort things out.

 

Since then however he 's been very cold. I still see him every day (that dratted uni course haha, couldn't get away from him if I tried), but things are very awkward/stilted. I can sense he's trying to avoid me. I mean I'm fine with the fact that he doesn't want to jump into a new relationship but this is too extreme. I've asked him a few times if he's okay and that I'm still here to chat, but his response is always "I'm okay, are you okay?"

 

On face value he's been acting normal and happy, just like he usually is. He doesn't look depressed or anything. I know people have asked him whats up with him and his GF and he just says "It' nothing" and that "we'll work it out". I don't know if that's what's actually happening or if he just wants people to think that so he doesn't have to deal with the consequences just yet.

 

What should I do? It's really hard to get used to someone who was constantly always texting and being there for me suddenly disappearing off the radar. Should I just leave him alone? Should I try at least to know where his head is at? Is he going to get back together with his GF? Does he want to be with me or not? Is he just doing this because he's afraid of social disapproval? We have a few gossipy and extremely observant friends and I know they will be watching me and him like a hawk now that they know something's up with his relationship.

 

It's super hurtful for me too to just be near him, trying to be "there for him" but have him being closed/standoffish towards me. But if I go cold too and avoid him right back I'm scared that will make him feel I've lost interest. Remember he used to always have this constant fear.

What should I do? Thanks!

 

PS. An example of his behavior - I stayed home from uni lectures today as there are building services fixing up my apartment. He texted me earlier on whatsapp to see if everything was okay (he initiated). I replied pretty much straight away (was already "online" texting someone else when he messaged, didn't want him to think I was avoiding him), but since then he hasn't bothered to check his phone or reply although he saw I responded straight away. Normally he'd be texting back straight away as well. I don't know if it's because he's scared of other people (possibly our other friends who are probably sitting right next to him) seeing my messages pop up on his phone or what it is.

 

And normally his texts are always funny and quirky and pretty long. Now i'm lucky if I get a one line "yeh okay lol". So frustrating.

[GypsumSatellite]

You can't really be his best friend and be his support right now. If what he says is true, that he left his GF to have a relationship with you and you told him "not now" and put up all kinds of barriers... yeah, he's feeling a right sting because you two were emotionally close during his relationship and on that verge of what is cheating then the second he's free to explore his feelings with you, you've shut him down because you don't want to be a rebound.

 

While that is healthy of you, it's confusing as hell to him. You were okay with the emotional affair side of things to a point for quite some time and now he's broken it off with the GF and doesn't even have The Sure Thing (you) to fall back on. And he gets to deal with all his inner circle talking noise about what he was up to when dating his GF!

 

What exactly do you want from him? You can't be his best friend right now because he's got serious feelings for you, but you also can't be his GF because you're not ready for that. It's a no-go zone here. He's not going to go back to how he was because he's no longer how he was.

 

The best you can do is ask to meet up with him face to face, explain that you didn't know he was going to leave his GF for you and that you weren't prepared for that, and then focus on telling him in what capacity you can be there for him and see if he still feels like being that with you.

 

But if a man tells you he loves you while he's dating another woman... do you really want that in your life? Do you want to be in his GFs shoes one day when he falls for someone else he gets too close to?

[spiderlily12]

You can't really be his best friend and be his support right now.

 

Hi Gypsum! Thanks so much for your reply.

 

I don't think that's the case though. I made it clear to him before he broke up with his GF that if he did I would want to be with him. I never said "you should go break up" but that's how I replied to his question "would you date me if I was single". I think it's pretty clear to him how I feel about him.

 

It's true that he's insecure about how long my feelings will last but I'm sure that right now he knows that I love him. He's the one who says he wants to take a step back and chill out for a bit. I'm guessing because he's stressed out about the attention being placed on us now that people know somethings up with his relationship.

 

A little bit of an update. So after one day of avoiding me/not texting me yesterday he's back to texting a lot again. However he's avoiding the subject of our relationship or his relationship with his GF.

 

Instead all he wants to talk about is a trip he's planning at the end of the year with his boys and just lots of superficial chit chat.

 

I feel like his breaking up with his GF was partially (mostly...) for me but also probably also because he was disatisfied with the way his life was heading i.e. settling down, marriage, kids etc. He had thought he was heading down that path but I think now that he's broken up it's like a load has been lifted off his shoulders. At the moment I feel like he wants to be single and have fun rather than jump into a relationship again (he hasn't been single for 8 years).

 

Which I get. Just kind of hurts that a guy who used to always deep and emotional with me now just... isn't haha. I guess I should probably give him his space. I do want to be with him a lot, just to be clear. I just don't want to be crazy and pressure him to be in a relationship with me if he's pulling back.

[LivingWaterPlease]

spiderlily12, I agree with GypsumSatellite.

 

He left his long term gf for you and then you backed off. It's understandable why you did it but from his point of view it must have been tough for him to deal with when you did that. He may view it as he did something that took courage to be with you but that you were unwilling to do something that takes courage (be with him after the breakup) to be with him.

 

Personally, I'd meet with him, try to explain, and try to be there for him as a gf if it's not too late for him.

[minimariah]

...and that if we didn't work out he would then have left a long, stable relationship for nothing.

 

this would be a red flag for me -- you can't calculate in love.

 

He said "do you really think that's what it was about?" and that "I did this for you" ...

 

the thing he doesn't understand -- he needs to break that relationship for HIMSELF, not YOU. & it's super wack that it seems like he is blaming YOU for wanting to slow it down and burdening YOU with his decision of a break up.

 

it's like he thinks he broke it off for you and now you owe him a relationship -- you don't. he clearly can't separate one relationship from another.

 

I know one of his major concerns was also that people would know it had something to do with me - i.e. that he "cheated".

 

he did cheat -- you said it yourself in the 1st part of the post, no need for quotation marks. and people already know it - no one is stupid, you can bet they put 2 & 2 together... so did his GF.

 

What should I do?

 

i honestly think he is trying to get over his break up... not even in an emotional sense because i don't think he loves his GF but more like in a "i am single for the first time EVER" sense. i think he is getting used to the single adult life... it is a big change and it takes time to kind of get over it. and y'all need to let this "what will our friends think & say" drama go. so what if they know you were the trigger for the break up? you're like... what, at uni? like, you're young adults... yeah, you'll date around and leave one date for another -- it happens and no need "to cover" anything up. it is what it is. none of you is married and none of you have other obligations... like kids, for example. you're YOUNG and you date, that's it.

 

it also seems like you are the only reason he dumped his GF, expecting to right away get it on with you. it seems as if he thinks you owe him to be with him now that he dumped his GF for you -- this is wrong. now when you kind of rejected him, he feels like you "tricked" him and that he broke up that relationship for nothing. this is where his calculated & immature side comes out. he strikes me as a dude who needs to know that something WILL work out, like a dude who needs a guarantee for everything in life.

 

sit down and talk to him. tell him how you feel, what bothers you, ask him to form some kind of plan for your future relationship and future together. tell him everything you told us, do that one big talk about everything. tell him everything you feel and ask him to tell everything he feels to you, too. if that doesn't go well? drop it and move on, as hard as it is.

Edited June 10, 2015 by minimariah

[privategal]

Id step back, avoid where you can because if he is talking to rhis girl still and working out a breakup and ends up getting back together with her out of emotion, guilt, or insecurity...you are back to square one.

Let him have time, let the cards fall where they will.

And for gods sake if these friends care they wouldn't judge.

Own up. Both of you ie. In our friendship we formed feelings and felt it best to breakup with my girlfriend so we can date openly and give it a shot.

 

Be real. And you asked if he loved you why he wouldn't break up. But then he did...you say not now.

Let this sort itself out by getting some space. Try not to communicate, echo his behavior.

If you were clear where you stand, then now hes gotta be clear to. Too much guessing how the other is feeling.

Space (you can create more-u know it), and time.

Its not your friends place to judge its college, people date lots of people, it's your life but please dont let their opinions get in the way or use "raising suspicion" as an excuse to alter communication with him.

This hiding is hurting everyone.

[SycamoreCircle]

What a mess.

 

This guy is not ready to date anyone, least of all you. You should not have been getting emotionally(and physically???) close to a guy with a girlfriend? What's wrong with you?! How would you feel if someone did that to a person you were involved with?

 

Let this go. Get out of the way. Get away from the drama. Be single for a good while. When you think you've learned some valuable lessons, meet someone who is not tied down and start over.

[finally43]

My advise is to leave him be. If he is imply to friends that they will work it out, that should tell you where his head is.

 

You both are your, you both should be dating and enjoying life..not dealing with all this drama.

 

He cheated on his GF. You allowed yourself to be the secret girl on the side. Both of you have some maturing to do. It is obvious you care about him a lot. He needs time to process the break up. He knows you are there if he needs to talk, there is no need to keep telling him that. Sometimes, after a discovery day, the 2 people involved in the affair can't get past the event that ended up hurting an unsuspecting betrayed person.

 

Take time and take care of you.