deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Just curious on this topic. People always say "once a cheater always a cheater" but then I see those same people say "people can change". One of my friends cheated on his ex several times with several women (I'm guessing about 5 or 6 women) over about 4 years of dating his ex. Some of these were long affairs of a few months. They had sexual issues in the relationship and he said she only had sex with him a couple times a year so he found it elsewhere. They also had a LTR for periods of the relationship. Now he's been getting involved with a female friend of mine. He said he won't cheat on her. I'm not sure if I believe him. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Lied? Drove drunk or high? Performed an illegal or morally reprehensible act? Ever? Congratulations! Welcome to the human race. Is one forever a liar, drunk/high driver, criminal? Opinion varies widely! Same with cheating and infidelity. Ask one person, get one person's opinion. Billions of us out there. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 With this example, this guy lacks coping skills. If there were sexual issues he should of addressed them first, and if all else fails, just end the relationship like a man. This guy is immature, and a coward. Sure he feels confident about not cheating because this new girl is "different" but when issues arise (even non sexual one) he's probably going to fall back on his usual way of dealing with it....by cheating. It's one thing to have an oops, I was drunk and lose control, but it's the fact he not only had one, he continued with many....he's selfish. I believe he used or made up an excuse to justify his cheating and to top it off, not even remorseful about it. Not kool. So ya I don't believe him either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 What I don't get is, why have a LDR is you want a healthy diet of sex. If that is what one wants, just be honest about it and have an open relationship for f uck sakes. Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Just curious on this topic. People always say "once a cheater always a cheater" but then I see those same people say "people can change". One of my friends cheated on his ex several times with several women (I'm guessing about 5 or 6 women) over about 4 years of dating his ex. Some of these were long affairs of a few months. They had sexual issues in the relationship and he said she only had sex with him a couple times a year so he found it elsewhere. They also had a LTR for periods of the relationship. Now he's been getting involved with a female friend of mine. He said he won't cheat on her. I'm not sure if I believe him. I think age and maturity have a big role in this for those who can and do change. However, constant cheating doesn't seem, to me, to be something that a person will change. That is called a habit, and old habits are hard to break. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Being a cheater is a character flaw. Can a leopard change it's spots? Probably not too often. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 like any other bad behavior, some people can change it and never do it again and others cannot. it depends on many factors, and maturity/age is often one. as is finally suffering consequences for your actions. it could be that this man, or other cheaters, never really receive consequences for their actions, so it goes unchecked. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 He won't stop until he is truly remorseful about his actions, ...actually understanding how much pain it has caused the other person......but until then, he will find another excuse to cheat again..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 His explanation was that they tried to resolve their sexual issues but his girlfriend was pretty much unwilling to have sex. I think she had some serious hang ups about sex. He moved out of state for about a year because of work and I think that's where he did a lot of the cheating. They only broke up about a year ago and I'm pretty sure he cheated on her up till the end. They didn't have an open relationship but I also don't think he even really tried to hide it. That was only a year ago they broke up but now he claims he is going to be faithful to this new girl. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 LIKE I SAID, he lacks coping skills. His answer was to F uck a bunch of girls, instead of respectfully ending the relationship. This is how he handled himself, this is how he handled an issue in his relationship. It's speaks volumes about his character. This type of cheating is pretty extreme. So does your friend know about it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Just a little tip: heavy cheaters like him, are usually con artists/smooth talkers. He could very well be telling you what he thinks you should hear. Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Dont know if that saying is 100% true but I personally won't test that theory with my own time and heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 He tells me everything. I think I'm the only one who really knows about his cheating, although I'm sure his girlfriend had a pretty good idea what was going on. He said he didn't want to break up because he really loved her but no sex was pretty much what ruined their relationship, and obviously him cheating all the time. He's pretty much my best friend but the girl he just started dating is really a close friend too and I don't want her to get hurt. He says he loves her and he only cheated on his ex because she wouldn't have sex, and this new relationship they have sex a lot and he wont ever cheat on her. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 And you believe that? Your friend has no clue about what love is and you are silly to believe he does. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 he only cheated on his ex because she wouldn't have sex, And this is a valid reason to cheat on someone who you love??? So what happenes to your friend if she doesn't feel like having sex for a month? it's OK for him to cheat on her too ?? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Now he's been getting involved with a female friend of mine. He said he won't cheat on her. I'm not sure if I believe him. Some people change, some don't. But whether you believe him or not is immaterial. It is not your relationship or your heart on the line here. You can warn your friend: "look, this guy cheated multiple times on his ex. He is a snake and a player and a liar". But at the end of the day it's up to your friend to decide whether she trusts that he has changed or not. Just make sure you're a good friend: warn her of his history, allow her to make her decision, and accept it. And be there for her to pick up the pieces when it all goes horribly wrong (not to say "told you so"). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 THB that is why the OP is here because the guy is his best friend, so he is stuck. If he tells this girl about him, he may lose his friend, and if he doesn't he risks losing her as his friend because he didn't warn her. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I do know people can change, but for me..is it worth finding out if they did? No, probably not. We always take a risk when we give someone our heart, I personally see no reason to increase that risk 10 fold by giving it to a former cheater. Don't get me wrong people can change, but for me I know there are plenty of women out there whose faults never included "I cheat" that I can enter into relationships with. THB that is why the OP is here because the guy is his best friend, so he is stuck. If he tells this girl about him, he may lose his friend, and if he doesn't he risks losing her as his friend because he didn't warn her. This is why situations like this separate the men from the boys. Friendship is NOT enough of an excuse for him to allow his friend to potentially ruin some girls life. People far far too often mistake unblinding loyalty as a positive trait: it is not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) So I asked him about this again last night. He said that his ex basically knew that he was sleeping with other women but they never actually talked about it. He said there were a few times he stayed out all night and never even texted her, and the next day she never asked where he was all night. Like they almost had an "unspoken agreement" or something. He said she never asked about other women and her never brought it up. He also said he never actually lied to her, and if she asked he would have told her about the other women but it seemed like she just didn't want to know. So that almost makes it sound like an open relationship, considering he wasn't really hiding anything. And I remember this period of time and the way he was basically dating other women (some who were even friends with his girlfriend) and not trying to hide it at all. I actually kind of thought they had an open relationship because he never tried to hide anything from her. He wasn't rubbing her face in it, but it wouldn't have been very hard for her to figure out who he was seeing. (there was a pretty obvious trail of breadcrumbs on his facebook) He even went on a trip to somewhere (the carribean I think? bahamas?) with one of the girls and a couple other friends while his GF stayed at home. She wasn't stupid enough to not see what was going on, but I think she almost gave him silent permission... That kind of puts things in a different light. Edited June 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I think it depends upon the person and how much remorse and atonement for their action they have/do. Some people see the error of their ways and they do not engage in the behavior anymore. The dynamic between him and the ex may be completely different between him and the new chick. Besides, it's their business if they choose to get involved or not, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 So I asked him about this again last night. He said that his ex basically knew that he was sleeping with other women but they never actually talked about it. He said there were a few times he stayed out all night and never even texted her, and the next day she never asked where he was all night. Like they almost had an "unspoken agreement" or something. He said she never asked about other women and her never brought it up. He also said he never actually lied to her, and if she asked he would have told her about the other women but it seemed like she just didn't want to know. So that almost makes it sound like an open relationship, considering he wasn't really hiding anything. And I remember this period of time and the way he was basically dating other women (some who were even friends with his girlfriend) and not trying to hide it at all. I actually kind of thought they had an open relationship because he never tried to hide anything from her. He wasn't rubbing her face in it, but it wouldn't have been very hard for her to figure out who he was seeing. (there was a pretty obvious trail of breadcrumbs on his facebook) He even went on a trip to somewhere (the carribean I think? bahamas?) with one of the girls and a couple other friends while his GF stayed at home. She wasn't stupid enough to not see what was going on, but I think she almost gave him silent permission... That kind of puts things in a different light. I fail to see why she even stayed in a relationship where she didn't give a fig about where he was and who he was with--that says a lot about her. I'd have to ask him why he remained with someone who didn't give a fig about where he was and who he was with while sniffing in behind other chicks. That says a lot about him, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 But I really care about his new girlfriend (she's almost like a sister to me in a lot of ways) and if he cheats on her it would crush her and I don't think I could forgive him and stay friends. I don't think she knows about his last relationship either. I can't tell her or it would create a bad situation. But I'm just curious if this relationship will be different. They are much more "lovers" and have a very different dynamic. Much more romantic and not platonic like him and his ex. I hope he can be faithful to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 I fail to see why she even stayed in a relationship where she didn't give a fig about where he was and who he was with--that says a lot about her. I'd have to ask him why he remained with someone who didn't give a fig about where he was and who he was with while sniffing in behind other chicks. That says a lot about him, too. I did ask him about this and it seemed like the ex really loved him but was not interested in being sexual, like she just wanted him as a friend/partner but not into the sex part of things. And she had serious sexual issues. I don't think she liked sex at all. It was a strange relationship. More like roommates/best friends but they still "loved each other" so they didn't want to lose each other, even though they had major sex issues. I think he really cared about her as a person but didn't feel much toward her sexually, and she loved him so much she was willing to endure anything to keep him around. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 IMO you are a little too late to get involved in this. When they first met, that should have been your opportunity to warn her about him. But now that they are fully involved romantically, you stepping in and telling her may have you without two friends. She's going to be upset at you for not telling her at the beginning, and your buddy obviously will oust you out of his life for ruining things for him.......This is why I always say be careful with the company you keep. Anyways, they are two adults, it's their relationship, stay out of it. You should at least tell your buddy, if you find out that he is cheating on her, or it even looks like he is doing something wrong, you are not going to hesitate to tell her EVERYTHING. And you will punch his lights out lol. That will make him think twice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 ...you are a little too late to get involved in this... if you find out that he is cheating on her, or it even looks like he is doing something wrong... you will punch his lights out agreed. the last part goes without saying. I'm really curious if cheating is like being a heroin addict, where once you get a taste you will always be hooked and even after years of sobriety all it takes is one person offering you dope and you're back on the needle. I've never shot dope or cheated on anyone, but I've known plenty of people who were habitual with both. There is a certain similarity I've noticed. I hope he's not "hooked on cheating" for her sake. Link to post Share on other sites
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