minime13 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 So I asked him about this again last night. He said that his ex basically knew that he was sleeping with other women but they never actually talked about it. He said there were a few times he stayed out all night and never even texted her, and the next day she never asked where he was all night. Like they almost had an "unspoken agreement" or something. He said she never asked about other women and her never brought it up. He also said he never actually lied to her, and if she asked he would have told her about the other women but it seemed like she just didn't want to know. So that almost makes it sound like an open relationship, considering he wasn't really hiding anything. And I remember this period of time and the way he was basically dating other women (some who were even friends with his girlfriend) and not trying to hide it at all. I actually kind of thought they had an open relationship because he never tried to hide anything from her. He wasn't rubbing her face in it, but it wouldn't have been very hard for her to figure out who he was seeing. (there was a pretty obvious trail of breadcrumbs on his facebook) He even went on a trip to somewhere (the carribean I think? bahamas?) with one of the girls and a couple other friends while his GF stayed at home. She wasn't stupid enough to not see what was going on, but I think she almost gave him silent permission... That kind of puts things in a different light. This is his justification for cheating. She knew but was afraid to ask. She was probably denial at some point and probably felt responsible for it because of his real distorted view of love and sex. He was hiding it to the effect that he was living a double life and not owning up to it. That makes him a scoundrel. I'd never passively allow someone like him to date one of my good friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I cheated once. Then I got cheated on. I'll never cheat again. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 agreed. the last part goes without saying. I'm really curious if cheating is like being a heroin addict, where once you get a taste you will always be hooked and even after years of sobriety all it takes is one person offering you dope and you're back on the needle. I've never shot dope or cheated on anyone, but I've known plenty of people who were habitual with both. There is a certain similarity I've noticed. I hope he's not "hooked on cheating" for her sake. It can be, but that is sex addiction which is can be brought on by OCD, or being abused sexually as a child, etc. Sex addicts literally seek out sex, some even with strangers...the thrill of the hunt is more of what they crave rather than the sex itself. I doubt your friend is "addicted". He was very selfish/self entitled, a coward/ who knows what. It's his view about cheating is distorted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 Just wondering, as I've lately noticed some double standards on similar topics, if the roles were reversed and it was her (my female friend) who had cheated on her ex with a handful of different men, (because of her ex having sexual issues) would that make the situation any different or would the general consensus be the same... that she is proven to be a habitual cheater and therefor unlikely to be loyal as a partner? Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Just wondering, as I've lately noticed some double standards on similar topics, if the roles were reversed and it was her (my female friend) who had cheated on her ex with a handful of different men, (because of her ex having sexual issues) would that make the situation any different or would the general consensus be the same... that she is proven to be a habitual cheater and therefor unlikely to be loyal as a partner? No. Habitual cheating is a habit where the lesson obviously hasn't been learned. It screws up men just as much as women to be cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 Ok. good. because I actually did reverse all the genders on this post, just to get an more unbiased feedback, and I didn't want people to assume I was talking about myself and my girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 In order to cheat a line is crossed, a hurdle is cleared. Once a cheater knows they can jump that hurdle, then doing it again is always on the cards IMO, given the right opportunity and right set of circumstances. He may justify to himself it was all down to lack of sex he cheated, but perhaps her version if investigated, may give a different story. Cheaters lie, most are necessarily very good at it. Remember that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 ...DeadElvis falls off his porcelain throne, one cold hand clutching his heart, the other tightly clasping a fistful of soiled toilet paper... Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 His explanation was that they tried to resolve their sexual issues but his girlfriend was pretty much unwilling to have sex. He'll cheat again. There are times in a relationship where there won't be much sex. He obviously believes that if he isn't getting it, he has a right to find it. So yep, he'll cheat again. Now - it isn't ALWAYS true that once someone cheats, they will always be a cheater. But that isn't a matter of CHANGING - it's a matter of doing something that goes against your core values, feeling horribly about it, and learning a lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Just wondering, as I've lately noticed some double standards on similar topics, if the roles were reversed and it was her (my female friend) who had cheated on her ex with a handful of different men, (because of her ex having sexual issues) would that make the situation any different or would the general consensus be the same... that she is proven to be a habitual cheater and therefor unlikely to be loyal as a partner? It isn't about it being habitual. You either have integrity or you don't. You honor your commitments or you don't. You believe you have a right to have your needs met elsewhere if your partner isn't meeting them or you don't. Gender is irrelevant. Generally speaking, men and women may cheat for different reasons, but the underlying lack of integrity is the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 He was a serial cheater. Of course he'll cheat again. Those who MIGHT change are those who had a ONS and then start crying nonstop and tell their partner - those folk are the truly remorseful because they are actually terrified by their own actions. He has done them over and over again and didn't mind at all because he's had his justification to do it. I would even bet money he'll cheat again. Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Ok. good. because I actually did reverse all the genders on this post, just to get an more unbiased feedback, and I didn't want people to assume I was talking about myself and my girlfriend. If this is your girlfriend, and she's had a habit of cheating, then that changes your situation altogether. Yes, you should be concerned. No, you shouldn't accept it. If she's not willing to see how her behavior is damaging when you bring it up, she never will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I don't know how many more red flags you need to end this relationship. Everything she is as a person is against your values, yet you still hang on. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) Well... If we had never shared any information about our history, then I wouldn't have seen all these red flags, and I also wouldn't have gotten upset about her choice of "friends" or balked at the stories of her past. So if we had just done what normal people do and leave the past behind us, instead of dredging it up and concerning myself with her "adventures", or her infidelity to her previous partners, ongoing friendships with former FWB's etc... then we would have what I could safely describe as the most beautiful, storybook love story I've ever witnessed. Our relationship and the way we fell in love was so perfect until all this **** started coming up in conversation. I am trying to just bury the past and everything she told me and base this relationship off what we have together in the present. She's been so perfect in every way. I'm trying to just let her past go, infidelities, sordid sexual choices and former FWB's included. From the day we met she's never given me any reason do doubt her, aside from her history. And at this point I'm feeling like maybe it wasn't fair to have her life before me be a factor in my feelings toward her. People make mistakes. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Edited June 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Maybe it isn't fair to judge her on her past. OR maybe her past is a big indicator of who she is as a person and you need to pay attention. No matter how great she is to you, going through life tortured by all your doubts and fears about her must be exhausting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 you wouldn't believe. I'm just trying to let it all go and just love her for the person she's shown me, and not the person she's described. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 you wouldn't believe. I'm just trying to let it all go and just love her for the person she's shown me, and not the person she's described. You aren't going to get over it asking on Love Shack. Because you are going to get so many different perspectives based on our experiences. Only you know your gf. Only you know your relationship. Perhaps the way to go would be to work on getting strong so that if she DOES cheat, or if you DO find out something horrible, you know you will survive without her. That way it takes the pressure off YOU to know everything. Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 The best way to look at that is that, yes, people can change. The leap of faith is yours to take. As long as you can make compromises that you can both live with to move forward, and you feel it's worth it, then there's not much else others can say. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I received some insight on this topic from, of all places, my exW's boyfriend, a guy my age who's been in recovery (alcoholism) for a few decades now. To him, his alcoholism is always there and he chooses not to drink today. He's seen how devastating his choices were to both himself and his loved ones so chooses, daily, a certain path, that of sobriety. What can be applied to infidelity? Certainly, choice can. Choosing, daily, to be monogamous. Recognizing the power of choice. Myself, I've had contact with (self-professed) singular MW's and serial MW's over the decades and, purely as anecdotes go, found the serial MW's have more challenges to face in gaining their 'sobriety'. Interestingly, some of the serial MW's also blended alcoholism with infidelity. I had the personal misfortune of loving a serial MW many years ago and having nearly 3 decades of experience with her, seeing the others come and go. Is she a lifer? IDK, she seems pretty settled with her current BF. Maybe the 50's is a time of 'always' ending. In any event, my exW's BF has my respect. I could learn a few things from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 what does MW stand for? married woman? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 what does MW stand for? married woman? Yes, MW is 'married woman'. Unfortunately, MW's are fairly common in my neck of the woods. Hence, in my 20's, I had to learn to verify independently marital status. The one I've known for a long time, the serial, lied about her marital status (that she was married) for a couple months. At the time, she was 22 and had been married four years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 Carhill, in your experience why do those married women cheat? Just sexually unsatisfied? Addicted to the excitement? or perhaps the husband at home is leaving them emotionally unsatisfied? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Carhill, in your experience why do those married women cheat? Just sexually unsatisfied? Addicted to the excitement? or perhaps the husband at home is leaving them emotionally unsatisfied? My small sample, under 50, has found predominantly two main commonalities, both relevant to the persons themselves. One is related to attention, varying from an almost breathless "I can't be alone!" to a more measured "I like attention!" The other is alcoholism. In some cases it's overt and in others hidden. A distant third, and only verifiable where I've known the husbands, is related to the first, generally what is known as 'workaholism', meaning the husband is immersed in his work to the extent that it bleeds into marital life and, well, when the wife needs attention and it's lacking, everything can go sideways. Still, it's her psychology and her choice. The same parameters of psychology and choice apply to men. The specifics may be different but the path is similar. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 My small sample, under 50, has found predominantly two main commonalities, both relevant to the persons themselves. One is related to attention, varying from an almost breathless "I can't be alone!" to a more measured "I like attention!" The other is alcoholism. In some cases it's overt and in others hidden. A distant third, and only verifiable where I've known the husbands, is related to the first, generally what is known as 'workaholism', meaning the husband is immersed in his work to the extent that it bleeds into marital life and, well, when the wife needs attention and it's lacking, everything can go sideways. Still, it's her psychology and her choice. The same parameters of psychology and choice apply to men. The specifics may be different but the path is similar. Interesting. I've always assumed men cheated out of lust/desire. And I never really thought about why women cheated. I just (stupidly) assumed it was the same reason, a new attractive person is exciting and different, perhaps combined with the thrill of cheating and a bit of psychological addiction thrown in. I hadn't really considered wanting attention as a primary reason, mainly because in my experience women who need additional male attention can genereally find it without actually cheating, but rather from just flirting. I always assumed cheating was primarily to fulfill sexual desires. But that's because as a man the only reason we would ever be tempted to cheat is out of stupid lust. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 His explanation was that they tried to resolve their sexual issues but his girlfriend was pretty much unwilling to have sex. I think she had some serious hang ups about sex. He moved out of state for about a year because of work and I think that's where he did a lot of the cheating. They only broke up about a year ago and I'm pretty sure he cheated on her up till the end. They didn't have an open relationship but I also don't think he even really tried to hide it. That was only a year ago they broke up but now he claims he is going to be faithful to this new girl. He's also a coward. If she is just his gf and he isn't sexually satisfied he could do the right thing and breakup with her and find someone he is sexually compatible with instead of cheating. Maybe he has learned a lesson and not cheat on the new girl. Link to post Share on other sites
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