What to do if you have NO ATTRACTION toward your spouse?

[Mom4]

Some of you have read bits and pieces of my story but I am feeling really stuck and frustrated. I feel NO attraction for my spouse. I am worried that I never will . I was in counseling for the first few years of my marriage ( married 10 years) and most recently our Marriage Counselor said it was time to stop and both see individual counselors ( I was there today). The truth is, I am tired of talking about everything. I just want to live life and either be alone( with my 4 children) or actually be able to feel a connection to the person I am married to . I don't know if it is that there is naturally not an attraction or the history doesn't allow there to be one. He turns me off. Has/Does anyone else feel this way and how are you coping. Was it ever so bad that you were able to turn it around? I am starting to feel desperate. I just don't know if I can change how I feel. It's been years of this... I have learned to live very independently. Therefore the rest of my life is very good.

[UCFKevin]

Why did you marry him in the first place?

 

If you feel the way you feel, get a divorce. Why stay in a marriage that doesn't make you happy?

[Mom4]

I was 24, he didn't have protection, I said no, he promised he'd pull out , I didn't want to make him upset, he didn't pull out.... now she is 10. This was a shock to me because I had everything going for me but I was going to try and make it work.

 

I only knew him at the time for 5 weeks. There has been so much over the last 10 years. We have 4 beautiful children. It isn't as easy as it might seem to walk away.

[Cecelius]

Similar situation to yours.

 

Is there anything he can do to put some spice into it?

[Mom4]

He has tried all the romantic things, even bought me diamonds and swept me off to an island. I was sad while I was there because I am just not feeling like that for him and I don't want to "pretend" that I do.

[TUDOR]

Can say what it is that makes him unattractive to you? Is purely looks or is it is personality, behavior, etc that turns you off?

[SadAndLonely]

I see how the first daughter happened, I guess, but how did the other three happen? My guess is that you haven't always been unattracted to him, or else you wouldn't have slept with him to begin with, and you wouldn't have four kids, as I really doubt that most people get pregnant after one sexual encounter.

 

No matter what a guy gave me, I wouldn't have sex with him unless I was attracted to him. So, following my logic, there had to have been something there. Are you sure you two just haven't become too comfortable?

 

I once heard something interesting, and I believe it to be true. When we say we're bored with our significant others, we're really bored with ourselves. Just keep that in mind. It may be the case.

[HoldOn]

This was a shock to me

 

 

Lesson to all us ladies out there. "Withdrawal" aint birth control! and.... be careful who you sleep with, because you might be making a baby!

[UCFKevin]

Yeah, how it did happen three more times?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by TUDOR

Can say what it is that makes him unattractive to you? Is purely looks or is it is personality, behavior, etc that turns you off?

 

Good question.

[Mom4]

Yes it happened the first time. I then made the commitment to get married and have a family. I was trying to be the perfect wife. Yes we had sex but I have to say that it wasn't the most intimate. A lot of the time we never even kissed. We wanted to have a family.

 

During this time I was dealing with a spouse who was suffering from depression and anger. I was holding the fort together and working too. I have figured out how to rise above everything else and be a great mother. I tried to be a good wife.

 

My husband was a resident when I met him, then he did his fellowship, and then he taught Academics, and then went into private practice. I truly hoped that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel for him and us as a couple.

 

As we moved into all the status things he still didn't change. He has a great job with more time off then probably anywhere else and still... the depression wouldn't let go.

 

I begged for him to get help... went to my family, his family, therapy and he still didn't want to recognize it. I just reached my end point and didn't care if I lived in a cardboard box. It wasn't until then that he decided to make this huge change. I am happy for that but I have 10 years of some very hurtful experiences that cloud my feelings. I still see the "old" him coming through frequently.

 

It is a mixture of things that turn me off. One is the memories... and the other is the physical. Which I don't want to go into but it is a mixture of things.

 

I really wanted to make it all work. I just wondered if anyone else has ever felt this way and found a way to make it work. When my husband reaches out to hug me I pull away. Has anyone ever been able to finally hug back and be happy that they did and it feel right?

[Ladyjane14]

It's entirely possible that your resentment regarding your husband is blocking any loving feelings that you might have had for him. Without the emotional components, sex can be a chore. Even worse....it can even be revolting. I speak from experience there.

 

The sexual feelings can come back. Once the resentment is put to rest, the tender emotions will often reengage. However, you state that you NEVER had sexual attraction for your husband, so I'm at a loss as to what to tell you. How can a feeling come back that never existed?

 

If you were a man, I'd tell you that you're wasting the good years of your wife's life. Because EVERYONE deserves to feel truly loved and supported in their committed relationship.

 

And so, the fact that you are a woman will not stop me from pointing that out to you today. Your man deserves a woman in his life who is NOT wasting his time. He deserves to feel the love and support of his mate.

 

If you can never find a way to do that, perhaps you should consider setting him free to find someone who will value him in such a way.

 

He has made terrible mistakes during the course of your marriage. But you can either forgive him, and continue on.....or hold onto your resentment, and make your lives together a misery.

 

He may not deserve your forgiveness. He may not have earned it. And if not, you are still free to choose Mercy. It is because it has not been earned that 'forgiveness' becomes a 'mercy'.

 

And also consider this, even if you eventually decide to cut him loose, you'll still need to forgive him at some point. Walking around filled up with resentment will make you bitter after a time. You will have to defeat this feeling one way or another in order to find your own happiness.

[Mom4]

I am trying to work through it. I have chosen to stay since asking him for the divorce a year ago. People who "know" me know that I am not a quitter and that everything I start I see it through. Thus, the very reason I have hung in there all these years.

 

I chose to commit to the relationship even though there was not that "chemistry" because the experience I had before my husband was that there might be chemistry with someone but everything else was missing. He definitely has good qualities but many that need to be worked on. ( As many of us do.)

 

I have not "run" away and I am not trying to "hold-out" to punish him. It is like a reflex... he comes near and I pull away.

 

We have a lot of work to do.... we have four beautiful children. My only concern is that it won't get better and I really want to know how it worked for other people who may have had similar problems. My husband isn't bad in bed... it just didn't feel like we were connected as a couple ( purely a chemistry thing). I was loving and gave of myself but he depleted me. After a while I felt like an object ( disengaged from our lives but could still want sex at 2am... felt like he was a stranger to me. )

 

LJ, you mention that you could relate to being repulsed... how long did it take for you to turn it around?

 

The physical stuff is not as big an issue but it is an obstacle as well. I have had 4 children and have kept myself physically fit. He is only overweight by 20lbs or so but totally out of shape. I have tried to encourage him and when I asked for the divorce he started running and lost 20 lbs and mentally "felt" better. As soon as it seemed like I was here to stay he started going back to fast food and hasn't run or exercised for 6 months. Which also makes me fear that everything else will go back to the same too.

 

Because we have children together we will always be in each others lives regardless. I have been more than kind to him and have supported him through EVERYTHING in his life, including the past year. I want him to have someone to love him the way anyone wants to be loved... I can be "present" through all the actions of our life together "the perfect wife" and I could even put on a good show in bed if I wanted to pretend that part but I am just not willing to do that anymore. If I am going to be intimate again I want it to be "real" for both of us. HOW do you get to that part. Maybe no one knows the answer. I am willing to give it time... I just don't want it to be years of waiting.

[FolderWife]

GEE I fall in and out of love with my man all the time. I will get so annoyed at him, and consider my options, and think about leaving.

 

But then I decide to give it Oooooone more shot.

 

All you have to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself!!! Um...if you hadn't made that "mistake" 10 years ago, you wouldn't have your kids! You might not even HAVE KIDS!!!

 

You are so busy drowning yourself in what could've been, and what you "wanted out of life that was taken away because he didn't pull out" that you aren't even seeing all the things that you got in the process.

 

Why don't you look at him as the father of your children, and the man that gave you everything he had to give, and the man that loves you and wants you, INSTEAD of looking at him as the man you didn't really want that got you pregnant that you're STUCK with.

 

If you stop looking at what you THINK you could've had, and start thinking about what you DO have, then I think you have a fair chance of falling in love with him...

 

If I were him, I'd be depressed too...who wants to be stuck with some woman who never wanted me...who felt TRAPPED with me...who is sooooo disappointed in me because I'm not what she pictured herself with...a woman who REGRETS getting pregnant with our child, because she was then stuck with me...

 

I mean COME ON! If you look at this with your EYES OPEN, you were probably the reason for his depression in the first place! If you'd just accept him and love him for who he IS, and stop trying to change him, or feeling pity all over yourself because of one mistake you think you made 10 years ago, then you would probably love him, and you would probably have a healthy marriage!

 

Does he beat you? Does he cheat on you? Does he deny you sex?

 

It sounds like you found a gem, but you're too stuck up to appreciate it!

[HoldOn]

Does he beat you? Does he cheat on you? Does he deny you sex?

 

It sounds like you found a gem, but you're too stuck up to appreciate it!

 

yeah, have you seen the new Bridget Jones movie. She broke up with her bf for like not paying enough attention to her. Then she meets all this women in Thai prison and they complain about their husbands who beat them, forced them to take drugs and forced them into prostitution.

 

I think you need to think about all the good things about your husband. If you have to: make a list and repeat the reasons to yourself:

-He's loyal to me

-He's a great providor

-He comes home every night.

-He loves me....

 

..>Whatever is important to you!

[JustLilOleMe]

I think you are depressed. Now, I'm not a psychologist - so take that with about $4 and you can buy yourself a latte, but that's what it looks like to layperson me.

 

I also think you're too stuck in your own situation to see it. I've done that enough times to know it. One thing that helps me, when I'm really caught up in that, is to get out of my own life for a bit and help others. Volunteer at a soup kitchen for a month, or a women's shelter, or at a nursing home to read to the older people. Do something for someone else that you have no connection to and get in touch with the part of yourself that is giving and loving and not related to all the hurts and drama you see now. For me, it's always very helpful to get perspective and remind me what is and is not important. Handing someone a hard PBJ Sandwich that will be their only meal for that day does tend to make you wonder how important some of your other concerns really are.

 

I'm not trivializing your feelings - but all you talk about is your husband and kids and what is NOT in your life as a result of them. Well, what IS? It is YOUR job to put things in your life. I think that's where you start - an inside job. Then perhaps you'll feel like loving someone again - you.

[amy1975]

You only knew this guy for 5 weeks before you married him?

 

Methinks if Hubby wasn't a doctor, but rather a poor plumber....this would have been OVER years ago.

 

If you married for money, that's fine. That's a better reason than many.

[Fester Lungblood]

I'm in the same boat as you, except I'm male. I'm not repulsed, just not attracted. I feel I'm missing out on something and have been for years. I'm ready for an affair. That's my best solution, for me anyway.

[Cecelius]

I've got some sympathy for the OP's plight. When you get past it all, even if they are trying, it may just be something that wasn't meant to be.

 

And no one should give the OP grief for getting married under the then-applicable circumstances, nor for attempting to build a family. You don't have to love your spouse to want kids and to want to give them a good life.

 

I don't have much substance to offer (I decided to get divorced) but I'd strongly suggest that the OP take that route rather than adding the damage/pain of an affair.

 

Also, all the counselling on the planet won't make you love your husband; it'll just make it easier to deal with the fact that you don't.

[Mom4]

Monday,

 

You aren't even close. I am not going to even let you come close to blaming me for someone's depression. You have NO idea what I have been through. I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel blessed for all I have. I have never in my life had someone call me stuck up. I am fortunate to have very close friends that I have had all my life and they tell me I am the most down to earth and grounded person they know. I was 24, and not only did he not pull out but he held me there. I have never called my 10 year old a mistake. I chose to give birth to her. I love all my children with all my life. I suppose I am having a hard time getting my point across.

 

For 10 years.... I did everything for this person ( with no regard to my inner most feelings). I took care of EVERYTHING. When we got married I made more money then him. I do NOT need his money. I stayed home to make life easier for the entire family. I have been the Home Manager, the Social Planner, and the main parent. I have been kind and generous to my husband our entire marriage. I felt for him and his depression. He would disappear into a room and not come out until he had to return to work. He didn't do anything, no yard work, or the garbage, or take care of the cars, or help in the home or with the kids. He would forget my birthday, holidays and would forget the children's too.

 

He would go into rages for no reason and wipe out everything in a room... our kitchen... he dumped everything from dishes, mail, appliances, school paperwork, everything... into garbage bags and then not speak for 2 or 3 days. He wouldn't know why, he would say he was sorry... I am the one who would protect my children from seeing their father like this... I am the one who would sit on the floor and go through all the garbage to clean up all the mess.

 

He has had this illness since he was a child and has a family history as well. It has been a hardship. I poured love all over this man for years... he knows that now and I rarely got anything in return. My closest friends kept telling me I was being mentally/emotionally abused. I tried to get him help. It wasn't until I decided to end everything that he claims to have had a miracle happen. He says this saved his life.

 

I was hoping to be able to communicate with people about my life to see if anyone else had been through something similar. As I sit here in tears I see that coming on this forum was a mistake...to be called names and to be blamed for an illness that has damaged my and my children's life was not what I was expecting. I have been so respectful to those also posting and to not receive the same amount of respect is hurtful.

 

I just want so much to turn my family around and have genuine feelings and was looking for helpful advice from others experiences.

[Ladyjane14]

{sigh}....Honey, you might think that no one here understands how you feel....but too many of us do.

 

For example, if you've read through some of Monday's threads, you'll know that she lives with a VERY difficult husband, and her circumstances are extremely trying at times. She has MORE reason for resentment than most, and yet....she wants that man....God knows why.

 

So she casts her resentment to the winds (something on the order of maybe TWICE A WEEK), and she gets back in the game.

 

For myself, I've been married for over 20 years, and for at least half of that time my marriage was pretty bad. So, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about in terms of sexual avoidance. I've laid there myself, with my hands balled into fists, feeling molested and revolted, and wishing I could punch him in the face....with nothing but bare tolerance in my heart, and going through the act just to keep the peace. I do understand it.

 

But even further, what I understand NOW (that was unknown to me before), is how hurtful all that was to him. Before, I couldn't see anyone's pain but mine. Now, his pain IS mine....as my pain is his.

 

This is a CHOICE. And the choice is to prioritize your partner as you would yourself, or not. It's a simple as that. You ask for answers....and there is THE answer. "Prioritize your partner as you would yourself."

 

I went through the depression thing with my husband. I'm going through it still. But with NEW EYES....it's my depression too, not just his. I didn't choose it. But neither did he. He can't help that his body doesn't create the seratonin level that he needs, and when he's in a drought....he doesn't KNOW that his outlook is altered. It's not his fault, and not his choice. It's not my fault or choice either.

 

But I accept his problem as my own....and I expect the same. I ask for the same, when through oversight on his part, he doesn't think to offer it.

 

I have some mild anxiety. Sometimes things worry me that aren't reasonable to him. Because, I take the 'leap of faith' for him, he can do the same for me. I'm anxious; he's depressed. We have to make that "leap" in order to each understand and support the other.

 

But when you make the "leap", you can't hold onto resentment anymore. You just can't do it with that huge weight tied around your heart.

 

My husband was falling into an abyss. I couldn't hold onto my anger, I couldn't hold onto my resentment....and still have the strength to pull him back out. I had to let the negative emotions go, or let him go.

 

There are instances in life in which simplicity becomes complex....unless we REFUSE to allow it to be so. This is one of them.

 

The simple answer is 'to LOVE your partner'. That's all. Just love your partner.

 

Love in a demonstrative way. Ask for the same in return.

 

Forgive. Clean the slate. Accept that your slate is likewise "clean". Be merciful.

 

Let go of EVERY transgression that went before. Put the past IN the past. Then....leave it there.

 

Prioritize your partner. Accept that his burdens are yours. Ask for the same in return.

 

It can be simple.....if you choose to let it be simple. The only trick to it is that you have to do the maintenance. You have to remind yourself DAILY that you've made your choice.

 

You seem to want to keep the marriage going. But you'll never get what you want out of it if you deal in half-measures. There's a 'leap of faith' to be made. It's your choice if you want to make it.

 

[Mom4]

Just some responses to some of the comments given to me

 

Money has nothing to do with our life. I encouraged my H to change professions, teach, or stay home if that would lighten his life. So if he had been a plumber ( by the way they make good $$) I would still be here communicating to all of you.

 

Volunteer! That is my middle name. Just this past weekend I was in charge of a function that I worked on all year that raised $115,000. I am President of a Board of another non-profit for 3 years and work very hard.

 

With Four children you can just imagine the running around I do not to mention the homework and housework.

 

I have a mother who is very ill.

 

Neither my H and I came from money and we both paid for our higher educations. We both give $ to our families.

 

With all this said, it comes down to the fact that we are all people with the same basic emotions and feelings and needs. I am fortunate but believe me I have worked my a$$ off to be where I am and it isn't because of the fact that my H is a Dr.

 

LJ, I did just what you said for a decade. I simply loved him. Protected him. Like my therapist said..." he continued to plug into you like a battery and drain you. " What I think nobody here understands is how cruel he was the last 2 years before I asked for the divorce. I continued to reach out, love him, be intimate ( obviously.. I was getting pregnant). Days before I asked him for the divorce he screamed at me " I DONT LOVE YOU and the last 10 years were a waste of time" Guess what... he barely remembers that or all the other things he did... he was ill. I knew that for years but he refused to get help. SO imagine how I reached my end point... I didn't care. People close to me said it seemed that my soul was dying. I couldn't do it anymore.

 

He says asking him for the divorce saved his life. SO what do I do... I stay... I simply try to love him but now I just feel empty. I wiped the slate clean ... oh about 5 times in our marriage... I really want to now ..it's just that I feel so "over him" . My problem is that I DON"T WANT TO BE!!

 

I am afraid to let go... not because of the money you silly people... because it's MY life, because it's my Children's life, because it's my H life

 

Someone just last week said, " I admire you for staying because I could never do that." I just don't want to quit!!!! Can't anyone understand what I am saying without trying to attack my character?

 

I get up at 6am, workout, get 4 kids up and 3 to school, work from the computer, run errands, clean house, do laundry for 6 people, go to meetings, cook dinner, run to ballet, baseball, soccer, do homework, take care of pets, put kids to bed, and try to spend time with H. I nurture my friendships and family. I am busy, I work hard, I want to keep it all together but I want to have a partner that I feel close to. Maybe it just needs more time

 

Thanks for letting me vent... I have to go clean up my house from my daughters birthday party yesterday!

[New_Wife]

It sounds like you're much to busy and self-martyrd to get help.

 

Perhaps you're perfectly happy being miserable? It's a cliche, but you can either work on the problem or work on the solution. After that - if you only complain about it - well - that's on you.

[Mom4]

HEEELLLLOOO!!

 

I am not happy being miserable or I wouldn't be seeking others experience on this forum and wouldn't be in therapy myself. Also, I am happy about everything in my life except this relationship issue.

 

I didn't post to "complain!"

[New_Wife]

okay, so what did you post to do? You explain why you can't do any of the things folks suggest - you don't appear to be willing to personally accept any responsibility or accountability for your situation - and you don't want to change.

 

So what is it exactly you were hoping for?

 

Advice to just kill him and be done with it?

 

C'mon now. You have a 10 year old. abortion was legal in 1995. If he raped you and you were so traumatized, you could've had one or put the kid up for adoption. You didn't. Further, you had 3 more. Are you some fundamentalist religous sort who must perform the mandatory missionary sex without complaint and no birth control, or did you perhaps participate in these decisions somehow? Are you posting from a 3rd world country and must cover your face and submit or be stoned?

 

If you want change - make some. But first you really ought to hop off the cross - I bet your family could use the wood.