Do you ever wish you weren't 'you'?

[johndoe2]

There is no one at work? There is no one in the shops where you buy food? there are no social groups that you could join at all ever??? You are a great cook and you enjoy food and learning about it. Are there no cookery courses locally. Where do you shop for your food could you try a new place? Are there local markets or producers that you could go to. Food fesitvals.

The giant eagle employees? I expect one needs to know someone better than that to invite them over to your apartment to cook food. It seems like something one does with a group of friends one already has, who already know each other.

 

How does one go from 'where's the toilet, thanks, have a nice day' to friends or more? It seems like there's a step missing. Especially when most people ('social' people) seem so damned clannish, and not really open at all. They already have their group friends which has its own agenda for the night. The only people who seem the least bit interested in conversing with random strangers are the other random loners. All of whom are guys as it were.

 

And there don't seem to be a lot of people as young as I am at places like meetup.com. People in my age group, they confound me to no end. They all know each other, or at least belong to a subset who all know each other. And the all seem to 'fit' right in wherever they are. I feel like I'm struggling through a game of musical chairs.

I think now I remember why I got so much into science, so I could find a way to get off this planet.

Let's give Elon Musk a call, seems like he had the same idea.

[ZA Dater]

So you do not ever ever talk to any other human beings at all ever?

 

There is no one at work? There is no one in the shops where you buy food? there are no social groups that you could join at all ever??? You are a great cook and you enjoy food and learning about it. Are there no cookery courses locally. Where do you shop for your food could you try a new place? Are there local markets or producers that you could go to. Food fesitvals.

 

Making friends and being social is HARD WORK.

 

I live in the sticks, I work in the sticks. If I didn't work hard at it then I could easily go days on end with out actually seeing another person, let alone speak to them or interact with them.

 

I know this sounds stupid but joining amateur drama groups is fantastic for people. These groups tend to be very friendly and it improves your confidence and gets you socialising. I know it may not be your thing but give it a go? Even if you don't want to go on stage there are other things that you can help out with.

 

JD - you have some really great attributes. But your not selling yourself! Stop lowering your standards. At the moment you are probably coming across as some dull fuddy duddy. Are you that man? NO! When I get you riled up you have a whole stream of really positive things that you have about you and you enjoy! Get excited about those things.

 

So when someone asks what do you like to do

 

Instead of "Cook"

 

You can say

 

"You know I absolutely love cooking and food. Naughty I know, but you should try my tiramasu, it is simply to die for and just melts in your mouth, I challenge anyone not to absolutely love it now I have perfected it, do you have any ideas for my next culinary challenge???"

 

Do you see ow the second sounds far more inviting and tempting? Its more exciting? More human and not so closed off>>

 

Even in these bars you hate asking someone where the loo is then once you have been come back and thank them as you were dying for a pee and thought you were going to burst, your name is John Doe by the way whats theirs? Well good to meet you and again thank you for your help its really appreciated. If they don't respond back initiating conversation then just wonder off happily you have interacted with another person!!!

 

This is actually a good constructive post, even I have taken positive from it as I have the same issues roughly, though my cooking skills are best described a "limited to non existent".

 

Your posts really probably encompasses the attributes people myself and the OP wish we had, and oddly in my case are ones I find attractive in others.

 

Its extremely difficult acquire them though.

 

Agreed on the selling part, one has to do some selling but there seems to be a fine line between selling and boasting.

[Justanaverageguy]

You’re whole post assumes that I haven’t tried, and tried a great deal (seems about par for the course with your input). I tried ‘pushing my boundaries’, when I tried going to all these different of bars (which I used to not go to); I’ve tried talking to plenty of random people, only ever saw one of them again, ate lunch with her, then ever see her again after that. Have tried inviting classmates to lunch or a movie, so we have a nice lunch or go to a movie, and eventually they seem to stop responding to my texts (which aren’t overly frequent, I assure you); tried speed dating several times.

 

And when the failures pile up, yes I come on here and vent and whatnot; but to presume I’m just sitting around here, not doing anything, and that’s the problem? What do you think I’m doing during those weeklong gaps in my posting record, sitting around jerking off over and over again?

 

 

I used to be quite shy and socially awkward when I was younger. Here is a small nugget of wisdom I have learnt on my time on this planet. To be comfortable with other people you first have to be comfortable with yourself. Following on from that - for other people to like you - you first have to like yourself. No actually you have to love yourself! You should be your own favorite person. Seriously not in a narcissistic way. In a 'I know myself. I know all my flaws and I know all my strengths and I love all of them' kind of way. Embrace your weaknesses and accept they are part of you. Part of what makes you different. Accept yourself and others don't even get a choice in the matter. They just have to.

 

What you experience in the real world is nothing more then a reflection of what you think in your own mind. If you don't like yourself - others won't either. If you feel depressed and sad others will feel that way around you and they won't enjoy it. If you feel happy and confident so will they and they will be drawn to you. Seriously that's the way it works. What you think is who you are. So as a starting point you need to work on YOU. Your inner self and thoughts. Others can't give you happiness that comes from within by building some personal self love and confidence. I don't mean that type of self love either I mean genuine self love.

 

Some ways you can do this:

- Positive Affirmations: Write down a list of all the things you like about yourself. Read them constantly. Do this while you stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself.

- Goals: Write down a list of goals you have and again read them constantly and start working towards them. Humans are goal orientated, achieving something we work towards gives us energy, belief and a sense of accomplishment.

- Meditation: Seriously this is the best way to access and influence your inner self. Your subconscious mind. Do some reading on Transcendental Meditation. Plenty of stuff online in youtube and if you want I can recommend a very good book called "The relaxation response". Very famous and very helpful read.

- Start listing to motivational speakers: Listen to this constantly when you are in the car when you are on the bus - but the best time to do it is early morning and late evening when you just woke up and just before you go to sleep. At this time your subconscious mind is most active. What you think hear and do at this time will dictate the spirit and mindset you hold for the day. Do some searching and find some specific speakers you like that hit home for you. For me personally I love a guy called Les Brown. He just has power and enthusiasm that is infectious. Takes you over and makes you think you can do anything. Here is a nice one from him that is a good starting point.

 

Lastly and most importantly - happiness is a choice. It seriously is. You need to just DECIDE that you are going to be a different more happy person. Stop trying to meet people. Stop trying to be happy. Just do it.

[Justanaverageguy]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fviFNrWKzZ8

 

[Toodaloo]

This is actually a good constructive post, even I have taken positive from it as I have the same issues roughly, though my cooking skills are best described a "limited to non existent".

 

Your posts really probably encompasses the attributes people myself and the OP wish we had, and oddly in my case are ones I find attractive in others.

 

Its extremely difficult acquire them though.

 

Agreed on the selling part, one has to do some selling but there seems to be a fine line between selling and boasting.

 

At least one of you has.

 

The thing is that you probably DO have those attributes already. You just haven't practiced them or honed them the way others have.

 

The latest friends I made were back in January. I was invited to a concert, the person who invited me was an a-hole and ignored me so I thought sod it. I introduced myself, asked about the people standing by. I was bright, happy and enthusiastic and smiling. Inside I felt like utter dog doo. I wanted to crawl back to my little home and hide away... I worked hard that night. But I made a new friend and we went segway racing a couple of weeks ago (I invited them).

 

You have probably grown up with being told that if you mention an accomplishment or achievement its boasting. Its not unless you ram it down peoples throats but talking about it in a friendly non boasty way is really lovely. You can be modest at the same time as pointing out just how great you are if you learn how to do it right.

 

I have highlighted your comment. Like minded people attract. I have very upbeat, loyal friends because I project that and work hard to maintain that. I only have a handful but they are worth their weight in gold! You have to work hard at it! When I feel glum I don't start posting about it (unless I really am glum and can't snap out of it) instead I sit for 5 minutes and alter my thinking. I work hard at it.

 

"where is the loo" - "conversations about history etc" takes a bit of effort, random comment in between and being confident enough to just come out with it and say it.

 

I swear to God the dates I have mess up are because I lost my nerve and reverted back to "nervous/ quiet" me. In short I shut up when I should have stood up and spoken up!

 

Looking at it - most of my really great friends that I have met have been through my charity work.

[ZA Dater]

At least one of you has.

 

The thing is that you probably DO have those attributes already. You just haven't practiced them or honed them the way others have.

 

The latest friends I made were back in January. I was invited to a concert, the person who invited me was an a-hole and ignored me so I thought sod it. I introduced myself, asked about the people standing by. I was bright, happy and enthusiastic and smiling. Inside I felt like utter dog doo. I wanted to crawl back to my little home and hide away... I worked hard that night. But I made a new friend and we went segway racing a couple of weeks ago (I invited them).

 

You have probably grown up with being told that if you mention an accomplishment or achievement its boasting. Its not unless you ram it down peoples throats but talking about it in a friendly non boasty way is really lovely. You can be modest at the same time as pointing out just how great you are if you learn how to do it right.

 

I have highlighted your comment. Like minded people attract. I have very upbeat, loyal friends because I project that and work hard to maintain that. I only have a handful but they are worth their weight in gold! You have to work hard at it! When I feel glum I don't start posting about it (unless I really am glum and can't snap out of it) instead I sit for 5 minutes and alter my thinking. I work hard at it.

 

"where is the loo" - "conversations about history etc" takes a bit of effort, random comment in between and being confident enough to just come out with it and say it.

 

I swear to God the dates I have mess up are because I lost my nerve and reverted back to "nervous/ quiet" me. In short I shut up when I should have stood up and spoken up!

 

Looking at it - most of my really great friends that I have met have been through my charity work.

 

I do get it right some of the time but where I battle is finding common ground, its probably this which makes me just sit and add value where I can as apposed to try and actually take charge of the conversation. Once of twice I have met people where there was common ground and I must be honest that feels pretty fantastic.

 

When it comes to selling I am somewhat reluctant to do it, there is enough to sell but I feel like I am boasting so I tend to be quite subtle when doing it.

 

Never had much of an issue with passing random comments, where I do have an issue is random comments I often pass go over the heads of the people I pass it to, yes, then I feel pretty stupid I must be honest.

 

If I am honest with myself and pretended I wanted to date myself the problems are really quite obvious, lack of humour, serious personality, not particularly fun, perhaps boring, cold personality but mostly its the wall I construct where I seldom open up to people, it does happen with people, usually always if I can relate to them.

Edited June 12, 2015 by ZA Dater

[elaine567]

Never had much of an issue with passing random comments, where I do have an issue is random comments I often pass go over the heads of the people I pass it to, yes, then I feel pretty stupid I must be honest.

 

OK, you have identified a problem, so work on fixing that, stop making comments that go over people's heads.

Most people no matter how intelligent usually function at a lower level, in order to gain some common ground on first meeting.

What you say at first doesn't need to fantastically stimulating conversation-wise.

All you want is to do is to engage, smile and ask some open questions about themselves and listen whilst they do the talking.

A surprising number of people love talking about themselves, so if you give them the opportunity, you will find it is easy to keep stoking the fire with another open question and another.

Look really genuinely interested and keep smiling, even if its not that interesting, but if you keep up the engagement, you can then steer them onto something of more interest to you later.

Too often it is easy to shut down quickly AS IT IS BORING but you never get to the good bit, where they are relaxed and you are relaxed and the topics discussed become more entertaining to both.

No interrogation about personal details, keep it light, and pitch your questions at a basic level - no smart ass speak or trying to catch them out with talk that makes them look foolish, as no-one likes that.

Someone can be very intelligent and not know a lot about your niche subjects or professional "in" jokes, so do not assume because they start talking to you about the weather and their grandma's cat, they are incapable of proper conversation.

Everyone puts out basic feelers to find a common topic and unless there is an obvious link, ie you are both surgeons or both rehome rescue dogs, then the mundane is often where conversation starts, until you find common ground.

 

How to turn small talk into smart conversation | ideas.ted.com

[Toodaloo]

I do get it right some of the time but where I battle is finding common ground, its probably this which makes me just sit and add value where I can as apposed to try and actually take charge of the conversation. Once of twice I have met people where there was common ground and I must be honest that feels pretty fantastic.

 

In these cases you have probably made random questions that don't particularly need an answer rather than random comments. Which is better Star Trek or Star Wars. I have been thinking if you had a stand off between Arnold Swartznigger and one of the sohei I can never quite decide if the machine gun or sheer skill would win... Oh what is socei... well the sohei were warriors for the *I actually can't remember off of the top of my head* period and they were really good at *I can't remember that either* so if you compare them to today.... it is mixing trival modern day with history and speculation and actually random stuff like that makes for great conversation. Thats why you feel good because its fun and you are connecting and learning view points in a very random way

 

When it comes to selling I am somewhat reluctant to do it, there is enough to sell but I feel like I am boasting so I tend to be quite subtle when doing it.

 

Start trying to turn it around in your head. Most people including my close friends and family have no clue about all my "good deeds". I certainly don't go around "boasting" about them but you can fit them in and talk about them with out it being a hard sell... Example What have you done today? Oh I have been organising fire engines and tractors... What??? I help at a fun day for children that are dying and I have been trying to get some fire engines and tractors to attend. - See how that went. Its showing that you go above and beyond but at the same time being humble about it because its just "one of those things"

 

Never had much of an issue with passing random comments, where I do have an issue is random comments I often pass go over the heads of the people I pass it to, yes, then I feel pretty stupid I must be honest.

 

Make them into questions... As above

 

If I am honest with myself and pretended I wanted to date myself the problems are really quite obvious, lack of humour, serious personality, not particularly fun, perhaps boring, cold personality but mostly its the wall I construct where I seldom open up to people, it does happen with people, usually always if I can relate to them.

 

Sounds like you are your own Berlin! Time to get the sledge hammers out.

 

You do realise that the most fun people. The absolutely hilarious ones that everyone flocks to are the ones who are not afraid to make mistakes and make a fool of themselves? So actually again its a good thing and you should again turn it on its head and see it as a positive when you can do this. You don't have to know everything you don't have to be "perfect". Just be yourself, bring out the best in yourself and take some risks and work hard at being sociable. Imagine you actually are that friendly out going person. then act as you would imagine they would. Pretty soon it becomes a habit. You will find it easier to find friends and lovers. Instead of accepting any old dross you will have respect enough for yourself because you KNOW your value and you know that these goodies ain't cheap so these girls better step up and be worthy of you too!

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I can't help the way I was raised but I sometimes wish I had a better social upbringing

[preraph]

If you feel that way, it's time to change yourself. Whatever you're doing, don't do that anymore. Try doing everything differently for different results. Whatever you're doing on many levels is not working for you.

 

I am over 60 and I can honestly say there is no one I'd change lives with and never has been. I've focused on what I want to do. I've had times of triumph and times of adversity, but I've always done it while following my own path, so I have no regrets and no one else's path would do for me.

[deadelvis]

get drunk first, then go to the bar. see how that works for you. if you are slowly sipping your beer then of course you won't be social. get hammered. suddenly everything changes...

[johndoe2]

get drunk first, then go to the bar. see how that works for you. if you are slowly sipping your beer then of course you won't be social. get hammered. suddenly everything changes...

This makes sense, and I usually drink a little before going to a bar. I just feel that when I'm at a bar, I have to drink even more. I usually leave at least some drinking to do at the bar, because sipping a beer at least gives me something to do. When I don't have something to do, I get nervous.

 

Of course now that I think about it, maybe I wouldn't get nervous if I don't something to if I'm not sober? Yes, you may be on to something.

[Justanaverageguy]

I can't help the way I was raised but I sometimes wish I had a better social upbringing

 

Why ? So your path was easier ? That's not how life works. Don't blame your past or your circumstances. That takes the responsibility away from you to define and control who you are today. The past is nothing more then an excuse to hide behind.

 

It is not what happened to you that matters. What matters is - What are you going to do about it ?

[elaine567]

This reminds me a bit of a old chap that used to hang about our local bar.

Very quiet bachelor, hardly spoke, until he had a few drinks in, then sociable, interesting, intelligent and totally unlike the person who entered the bar, a few drinks after that he would retreat back into non-speaking mode and saunter off home.

They said he was "hurt" badly by a girl when he was young and never ventured into the dating world again.

 

Women are not keen on loners propping up bars.

johndoe2 you need to start going out with other people. Cultivate some friends/acquaintances male and female to hang about with, so you are not the "creepy" lone guy in the corner.

Whether you act creepy or not, questions are going to be asked as to why you are there alone. Fine if you are in town on business, or have short term work to do in town, or you are a back packer passing through, but if you are local and alone in a bar all night or for a few hours - assumptions are going to be made - alcoholic, has no friends, cannot make friends, weird, up to no good, potential serial killer or rapist...

[ZA Dater]

OK, you have identified a problem, so work on fixing that, stop making comments that go over people's heads.

Most people no matter how intelligent usually function at a lower level, in order to gain some common ground on first meeting.

What you say at first doesn't need to fantastically stimulating conversation-wise.

All you want is to do is to engage, smile and ask some open questions about themselves and listen whilst they do the talking.

A surprising number of people love talking about themselves, so if you give them the opportunity, you will find it is easy to keep stoking the fire with another open question and another.

Look really genuinely interested and keep smiling, even if its not that interesting, but if you keep up the engagement, you can then steer them onto something of more interest to you later.

Too often it is easy to shut down quickly AS IT IS BORING but you never get to the good bit, where they are relaxed and you are relaxed and the topics discussed become more entertaining to both.

No interrogation about personal details, keep it light, and pitch your questions at a basic level - no smart ass speak or trying to catch them out with talk that makes them look foolish, as no-one likes that.

Someone can be very intelligent and not know a lot about your niche subjects or professional "in" jokes, so do not assume because they start talking to you about the weather and their grandma's cat, they are incapable of proper conversation.

Everyone puts out basic feelers to find a common topic and unless there is an obvious link, ie you are both surgeons or both rehome rescue dogs, then the mundane is often where conversation starts, until you find common ground.

 

How to turn small talk into smart conversation | ideas.ted.com

 

You see the problem is the comments are normal to me, its extremely tough to dumb oneself down to pass comments, perhaps that's putting it wrongly but for the most part people just don't get me, those that are usually rare or they are learned.

 

 

There is a lot of merit in the above and for the most part I do as you say but NEVER get asked anything about myself, I literally have sat in dates for hours and taken a great interest in them and had no questions asked of me, usually what follows is rejection.

 

 

The thing is and this is odd, I can do mundane, its fine but I guess there is just something about some people which makes mundane well less mundane.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

You see the problem is the comments are normal to me, its extremely tough to dumb oneself down to pass comments, perhaps that's putting it wrongly but for the most part people just don't get me, those that are usually rare or they are learned.

 

 

There is a lot of merit in the above and for the most part I do as you say but NEVER get asked anything about myself, I literally have sat in dates for hours and taken a great interest in them and had no questions asked of me, usually what follows is rejection.

 

 

The thing is and this is odd, I can do mundane, its fine but I guess there is just something about some people which makes mundane well less mundane.

and men get the blame for everything

[johndoe2]

The thing is and this is odd, I can do mundane, its fine but I guess there is just something about some people which makes mundane well less mundane.

Personally, I wonder if I've been spoiled in that though I had few friends throughout my life, they were always very... interesting. In good and bad ways. They read interesting (and controversial) books, watched some of the strangest movies, had some of the most eccentric thoughts. A 'mundane' conversation over pizza might have been, say, talking about the idea of the honorableness of suicide in traditional Japanese culture, as compared to European culture, or ancient Rome (when were you supposed to 'fall on your own sword' as they say). I'm not very use to mundane conversations about the weather. There's little fun in them.

[ZA Dater]

Sounds like you are your own Berlin! Time to get the sledge hammers out.

 

You do realise that the most fun people. The absolutely hilarious ones that everyone flocks to are the ones who are not afraid to make mistakes and make a fool of themselves? So actually again its a good thing and you should again turn it on its head and see it as a positive when you can do this. You don't have to know everything you don't have to be "perfect". Just be yourself, bring out the best in yourself and take some risks and work hard at being sociable. Imagine you actually are that friendly out going person. then act as you would imagine they would. Pretty soon it becomes a habit. You will find it easier to find friends and lovers. Instead of accepting any old dross you will have respect enough for yourself because you KNOW your value and you know that these goodies ain't cheap so these girls better step up and be worthy of you too!

 

 

I went you to dinner with a few friends last night and there was one person in the group I didn't know, admittedly she was totally out of my league but I decided to try and take your and other advice, the inherent problem was I just basically got side lined out of the conversation which reflecting on it this morning was actually not very nice at all.

 

 

This time I attempted to pass comments I thought people could actually understand but again the result was the same. Of course the usual tease about me being totally and always single came up, I laughed it off which perhaps was best.

 

 

Despite this person being quite intellectually smart it just didn't work even from that angle, basically I went there with the idea of conversation and nothing else but even that didn't work. I am actually pretty cross with myself because I ended up looking very much like a one trick pony as far as conversation goes but it was difficult when the conversation often moved to talking about people I do not know.

 

 

Oh and Johndoe, I ad my turn as sitting at a loner at a bar, as I waited for the rest to arrive, not the nicest of feelings and must say despite having done this before, you must have nerves of steel to be able to do this on a regular basis.

[elaine567]

I went you to dinner with a few friends last night and there was one person in the group I didn't know, admittedly she was totally out of my league but I decided to try and take your and other advice, the inherent problem was I just basically got side lined out of the conversation which reflecting on it this morning was actually not very nice at all.

 

This time I attempted to pass comments I thought people could actually understand but again the result was the same. Of course the usual tease about me being totally and always single came up, I laughed it off which perhaps was best.

 

Despite this person being quite intellectually smart it just didn't work even from that angle, basically I went there with the idea of conversation and nothing else but even that didn't work. I am actually pretty cross with myself because I ended up looking very much like a one trick pony as far as conversation goes but it was difficult when the conversation often moved to talking about people I do not know.

 

I guess you are the single guy everyone can tease, and they are not taking you seriously.

You get quickly sidelined, by others trying to ramp up their own importance.

Despite you being the single one others may want to monopolise attractive girls, so you were in a competition in reality.

YOU may come up with the best, most intelligent, witty line, but you are easily beaten down, by some slight dig re your singledom.

"Oh ZA Dater, what do you know about women?"

"Oh ZA Dater, been on any great dates recently?"

 

All on the surface good humoured but with a barb. Talking about people you do not know, excludes you too and puts you back into your box.

I am not saying they are necessarily being mean and nasty, but there is a dynamic going on there and it appears not be be to your advantage.

 

Time to start socialising with new friends and acquaintances.

[johndoe2]

I went you to dinner with a few friends last night and there was one person in the group I didn't know, admittedly she was totally out of my league but I decided to try and take your and other advice, the inherent problem was I just basically got side lined out of the conversation which reflecting on it this morning was actually not very nice at all.

It does seem rather difficult sometimes to stay relevant in a conversation, especially when everyone else knows each other but not you. I guess you could always just ask questions; like, they begin referring to some person that only they know doing something, and if you chime in "who's that; why did he do that" etc., usually it seems people actually enjoy recounting old stories that the others already know; some times they will actually compete with each other to tell parts of the story.

 

Of course I have never well learned the art of interrupting people in conversations. Obviously you have to do it, or you;ll never get a word in. But God, nothing feels more awkward than when you try to interrupt and talk over someone who won't stop talking, and they just completely ignore you, and you just sit there looking like you're talking to yourself. Those situations really annoy me.

 

Oh and Johndoe, I ad my turn as sitting at a loner at a bar, as I waited for the rest to arrive, not the nicest of feelings and must say despite having done this before, you must have nerves of steel to be able to do this on a regular basis.

May be more that I have lost all sense of shame, lol. Or worse, am turning into a social masochist, if there is such a thing.

[ZA Dater]

I guess you are the single guy everyone can tease, and they are not taking you seriously.

You get quickly sidelined, by others trying to ramp up their own importance.

Despite you being the single one others may want to monopolise attractive girls, so you were in a competition in reality.

YOU may come up with the best, most intelligent, witty line, but you are easily beaten down, by some slight dig re your singledom.

"Oh ZA Dater, what do you know about women?"

"Oh ZA Dater, been on any great dates recently?"

 

All on the surface good humoured but with a barb. Talking about people you do not know, excludes you too and puts you back into your box.

I am not saying they are necessarily being mean and nasty, but there is a dynamic going on there and it appears not be be to your advantage.

 

Time to start socialising with new friends and acquaintances.

 

You are indeed very sage, I wasn't going to add this but I will not

 

 

" My friend to single female, don't have you have any friends for ZA Dater, just ones that shag well". This of course I chose to laugh off and I passed a reply "Well he is such a bad cupid whatever he says in future I will do the opposite" and we all laughed.

 

 

He knows full well I am not looking for that sort of female but this isn't the first time such a remark has been passed and I am getting more used to replying with some witty remark but still.

 

 

What's your take on this?

[elaine567]

You are indeed very sage, I wasn't going to add this but I will not

" My friend to single female, don't have you have any friends for ZA Dater, just ones that shag well". This of course I chose to laugh off and I passed a reply "Well he is such a bad cupid whatever he says in future I will do the opposite" and we all laughed.

He knows full well I am not looking for that sort of female but this isn't the first time such a remark has been passed and I am getting more used to replying with some witty remark but still.

What's your take on this?

 

The "ones that shag well" remark was supposed to give her a bad impression of you, I guess.

You then look like a guy that just uses women for sex.

It was a coarse thing to say and I guess designed to make sure she was unavailable to you.

Who is the woman? Is it possible he has his eye on her or he is even having an affair with her?

Or is he just a bit uncouth and has a habit of saying the wrong things "in jest" or he is determined to wind you up for some reason, either in a "friendly" way or does he have another agenda?

[Justanaverageguy]

He knows full well I am not looking for that sort of female but this isn't the first time such a remark has been passed and I am getting more used to replying with some witty remark but still.

 

 

What's your take on this?

 

So firstly I would say why are you hanging around with a friend who would consistently do or say this ? Sounds like a douche bag who is simply putting you down to try and boost his own chances with the girl. Dick move. Dick person. Stop trying to be nice and play along. Stop thinking of witty retorts to gloss over what he said. He keeps doing it because you allow it.

 

It is easy to flip anything negative someone like this says back on themselves to make them look like the douche. Don't laugh it off and accept the comment. Be mildly offended and bounce his comment back to him. The best action to take here is just honesty and not being ok with put down. Don't get angry - just look at him with a confused look on your face and go.

 

"Ahhh what are you talking about man ? I'm ok on my own thanks - not really looking for easy ****s like you buddy."

 

Then smile and look straight at him for a response. Make it seem awkward I love making people like that awkward and putting the focus back on them - because thats exactly what they are trying to avoid. He now has to defend himself. People in the room and the girl you talking to suddenly go .... oh this guy is actually a dick wad who is trying to give his friend ****. Nothing and I mean nothing is less attractive then someone who gives crap to friends or another member of a group or dinner party. Even if he brushes it off - he still looks like a bit of a tool and he won't do it again.

[ZA Dater]

The "ones that shag well" remark was supposed to give her a bad impression of you, I guess.

You then look like a guy that just uses women for sex.

It was a coarse thing to say and I guess designed to make sure she was unavailable to you.

Who is the woman? Is it possible he has his eye on her or he is even having an affair with her?

Or is he just a bit uncouth and has a habit of saying the wrong things "in jest" or he is determined to wind you up for some reason, either in a "friendly" way or does he have another agenda?

 

He is married and I don't think he means any harm with these comments just I think I by being single and never interested in actually chasing open myself up to the, to an extent. He has done this before with me and other females, the other modus of operandi is to try and set me up with people I know he himself would not be interested in if he were single.

 

 

Or as happened last time set me up with someone he thinks is looking for a guy like me and then when she rejects me he motivates me to try again, granted the last one was the best "date" I have ever had but the narrative remains the same. What did irritate me was how he put this female on the spot "don't you know of any friends who might be keen on ZA Dater", this I took as a major put down because the league she is in, nobody would be keen on me.

 

 

I think this all goes back to the thread topic, do you ever wish you weren't yourself. In many ways I do, in the sense if I wasn't me chances are I wouldn't be scraping the barrel and would be able to get the people I like to like me. In another sense I am happy with the moral choices I have made in life.

 

 

I always say, we are who we are, we can change to be a positive person but with that change one shouldn't resort to rose tinted glasses to remove the true reality.

 

 

Did I walk past some 20 something year old females in short skirts and wonder what it would be like to be with one of them, sure I did but that wonder was tempered by the reality of who I am.

 

 

So, yes we are back the thread topic again.

[Justanaverageguy]

It does seem rather difficult sometimes to stay relevant in a conversation, especially when everyone else knows each other but not you.

 

You can look at this as both an advantage or a disadvantage. In a group conversation yes it can be hard if you don't know anyone - but then for 1 on 1 conversations with in that group it actually makes it easier.

 

Because when you meet someone new it means you have way more to talk about. You don't have the same stories eveyone in the group has already heard 10 times. You have all the basic getting to know you questions available to you. Be enthusiastic and interested in what the other person has to say. Their job where they come from, their interests etc etc. Your energy and interest with draw the same out of them.

 

Energy in a conversation is key. Its like the flu ... its contagious.