What to do...how to proceed??

[Sera]

Hello everyone,

 

I have visited this site to ask for help a couple times over the last month, & have always received great advice&thanks so much to everyone who has listened & responded. I'm sorry this is so long&here is my dilemma now:

 

My bf & I have been together for 5 months. I'm 25, he's 29. At the start of the relationship, he was the one who was making most of the effort, i.e. always calling me, making plans, etc. Now the tables have completely turned, & it's me who makes all the effort. He has backed off considerably, although he has assured me his feelings haven't changed.

 

Aside from seeing each other less, another problem is lack of affection. Seeing us in public, or anywhere really, you would never know we are a couple. We NEVER hold hands, rarely kiss, etc. (NEVER in public and even when we're alone it doesn't happen often) He knows how strong my feelings are for him, & I know now it was a huge mistake to make this so clear to him. I wish I could somehow turn back time to bring back some of the mystery, I should have kept him guessing for a bit longer.

 

I know most of you will ask why am I with him if he's not meeting my needs? Well, he USED to. And I can't forget how he was, & I want that back SO much. Things were so great at the beginning, and I know they always are & that things cool down after a bit, but this is too much. I am in so much pain over the whole relationship, and it's just stupid how much time I spend analyzing things. It's like our relationship is in a never-ending state of break-up&he says his feelings haven't changed, but his behaviour HAS, & I know I certainly cannot go on like this indefinitely.

 

Breaking up would be SO hard because in the city I've moved to I know absolutely no one, except him. So really, since he is all I know here, I know I'm too dependent on him. But it's not really an option for me to get out & meet other people. I'm a single mom, can't really afford babysitting, and even if I could, I'd have no one to be going out with.

 

Anyways, my problem is that we have planned a trip together back to my hometown, in one month, and we've already got our plane tickets, booked our time off work, etc. I really don't want to contemplate ending our relationship until after I see how things go on this trip. I guess my hope is that spending time together like that might change things? Am I naïve to hope like this? I don't know&

 

Thanks for any & all advice&

 

Sera

[Shauna]

 

Well, at least you're not alone. I just posted a message complaining about the very same thing, but I didn't put it as eloquently as you. My boyfriend, in the beginning, also used to make so many efforts to do fun things together, be affectionate, and be energetic. Now, for us things have changed, as in your situation. He doesn't ask me out anymore (unless his friends are going along), and he says it's because he can never find anything to do. He says his feelings are totally unchanged, but he acts just the opposite. Basically, your story and mine are synonomous.

 

I know how hard it is. I get so upset sometimes because I can't understand why he acts like this. It's like we're a million miles apart, and he's just fine with it. It's as if he never misses the affection or fun time! It makes me just absolutely depressed to know how he USED to be, and how he is now. I know that I can't go on. I feel isolated and forgotten. So, maybe I can't offer you too much advice being as how I'm in the same boat, but, maybe I can offer you a little compassion about your feelings. You might want to read "Sparkle's" response to my posted letter just under yours. It might shed some light.

 

Best bet, find a guy you won't end up resenting. Because, I'm sure by now you resent him a whole lot for not giving his "all" like he used to. Take care.

[Sera]

I wish it were that easy. I am so mentally exhausted from this relationship...I don't EVER want to go through this again.

 

I honestly don't know HOW to get through the next month until our trip without my feelings exploding into a huge fight. He is not even open to talking about our problems anymore, since we've discussed things a few times already with nothing being resolved. He always just tells me he needs time. If I back off for a bit does this relationship even have a chance?

 

I'm wondering if he maybe wants to break up but doesn't want to be the one to have to do it? If I were to ask him if he wants to end things, I know he'ds say no...maybe he's lying...afraid to hurt me?

[Ed]

Sera,

 

This is a rough spot in every relationship. The newness has worn off and now you are both faced with the reality of everyday life. You are now down to the bare bones. This is when you find out if there really is anything of great value and substance to the relationship.

 

You are obviously at wits end. You may have to do some backing off yourself, not as a game or in an attempt to draw something out of him, just for your own good.

 

Where was your child when this relationship began? Where has the child stayed for the past 5 months? You said you cannot afford a baby-sitter (I guess your bf is not willing to help find and pay for one). Does that mean the child is always with you when you are with your boyfriend? This can be a problem in and of itself. Where does your child stay when you are at work? A reliable baby-sitter is a must for any parent, whether you are married or not. Couples as well as singles need to spend quality time away from their children occasionally.

 

Let's face it, whether you stay in your current relationship or not, one way or another, you have got to make friends with other people around town. Start off by doing things and going places with your child. Meet other parents, single and married. Some good places to start be at school, daycare or a church. The connections you make can lead to friendships AND baby-sitters. Maybe you can try baby-sitting for a friend (once you get some) and then have them baby-sit for you which = no $$$.

 

How did you end up in the town you are in now? Do you and your boyfriend live together?

 

You'll have to decide on the timing of this (before or after the trip). Do what you have to do to be happy. Tell him you are not satisfied with the way things are now and that you love him (if you do) and want to work WITH him (if you do) to make it better. If he wants to join in and be a part of it, then things may work out. If he cops an attitude or doesn't seem to care, then it's time to move on.

[Sera]

Ed,

 

Thanks so much for your reply...this whole situation is really tearing me apart...

 

My daughter lives with me, but until recently I had a roommate who was also a single mom, so we could trade off babysitting. That is not an option anymore. But until now we HAVE been able to have our alone time. My daughter is in a daycare while I'm at work, and that is why I moved to the new city I'm in...for my new job.

 

No, he & I don't live together...and that was kind of the cause of a fight for us a couple of weeks ago. He basically said he doesn't think he will ever get married, and he doubts if he will ever live with a significant other again. He was in a 9-year long relationship which ended very badly. He also has a daughter who lives with her mother. His ex is now married to his ex-best friend. But they live in Europe, & we live in Canada, so he never sees any of them. I don't really know how often he talks with his daughter.

 

Anyway, when he said he doubts if he'll be able to live with someone again it really hurt me, because then what is the point of dating? There HAS to be the potential of living together/marriage for there to be any point. We should be working towards something, shouldn't we?

 

He also tells me that he only trusts me *a little bit* right now. He trusts me completely not to cheat on him, which he knows I would NEVER do, but aside from that, he has told me he has little trust in me, & has said he is worried he will get hurt. I can't figure that one out. He has said that his one & only long-term, serious relationship ended so badly that he barely recovered, and if anything similar were to happen to him again, he wouldn't recover at all.

 

You had suggested that I tell him I love him, & want to work things out. I HAVE told him how much I care about him & how strongly I feel, but I haven't used the 'L' word yet. I'm actually second-guessing how good it was to tell him ANY of my feelings, because they seem to have scared him away. I have thought about telling him I love him though, I just wonder if it would hurt more than it would help?

 

I really want to wait until after our trip before making any final decisions about our relationship...and I wish in the meantime I could just flip a switch & turn off my feelings...this month is going to be so difficult to get through...thanks for letting me vent. Any further advice, if any, would be much appreciated.

 

Sera

[Laurynn]

Hi Sera :-)

 

I'm in Canada too! (in Calgary, moved here a year ago from BC). Nice to see a fellow Canucker here :-))

 

First of all, this past relationship of his.....how long before you two started dating, had THAT relationship ended? I take it in *that* relationship, he wasn't the one to end it? Do you know any of the circumstances surrounding the ending of it? (did his ex cheat? betray him? just change her mind? etc?) It sounds to me like he's built some kind of wall around himself, as a way of protecting himself from getting hurt again.......and possibly he's still not fully healed from this past relationship ending. 9 years is a long time to spend with someone, especially at his age. It must be hard for him too, the fact that his daughter lives so far away. One thing I found a little strange........you mentioned that you had no idea how often he talked to his daughter. I get the impression that he doesn't talk about his daughter to you?...doesn't bring that subject up? If so, I find that strange. You'd think he'd miss his daughter terribly and would want to talk about her. Okay, so maybe talking about her is too upsetting, but at least you'd think he'd mention having talked to her on the phone or something. Wonder what's going on here??

 

I think you should definitely not make any decisions til after your trip together. Let that trip be an opportunity to see how things really are. When you get back from it, then sit down and see where things lie...then make some decisions.

 

It's natural for people to be fearful of getting hurt again...and to proceed slowly in a relationship.......but it sounds like he's regressed. For him to tell you that he only trusts you a little bit, that seems to be him telling you that he has some MAJOR trust issues.....that he's not fully dealt with the breakup of his past relationship.

 

I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that maybe he began dating you shortly after that breakup....perhaps it was sort of a rebound thing.....perhaps you came along at a time in his life where he needed someone to fill the void......to help him forget his hurt and loss. And now that your relationship is into 5 months, he's realizing he never dealt with his feelings....and it's all hitting him now.....and he's withdrawing in an attempt to protect himself.

 

It's so frustrating and painful when you want to talk about things, get them out in the open, communicate, resolve things (or try to), but the other person isn't willing/able to. That can really hurt....and cause many a night of lost sleep.

 

If you can give us a little more info on the cause of his past breakup, the circumstances surrounding it (or what he's told you), whether he ever talks about his daughter/why you think it is that he's never told you when he talks to her (did he lose custody or something?..is he not allowed to have contact? is there more to this story?)...that would help to maybe try and figure out a little better, where his head is at.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this heartache......there's nothing worse than feeling someone you love/care about, pulling away from you........it makes you worry, feel insecure, feeling like you're just sitting there waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have been in your shoes, many of us here have.

 

Let us know how things are going, okay?

 

Laurynn :-)

 

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[Ed]

Sera,

 

If you are going to have a meaningful and satisfying relationship with this man, then you must have some heart to heart talks with him about his feelings. Laurynn mentioned several things that you need to talk to him about. You probably shouldn't use the "L" word on him. Just replace it with "I care a whole lot about you" or something like that. Until you have some conversations about some real feelings, this relationship is not going to go any further than it already has.

 

You really need to start pursuing other ways of occupying yourself and your child. Try some of the things I mentioned before and get a life of your own. It will help you feel better about where you are at and where you are going.

[Sera]

Hi Laurynn,

 

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate your posts -- they often really put things in perspective for me&it helps so much to get an outside opinion. Actually, it's funny you should mention your move to Calgary from BC. I did the reverse - I moved to BC from Calgary, 8 months ago&so the trip I mentioned going on with my bf is actually back to Calgary!

 

Anyway, to answer some of your questions,

First of all, this past relationship of his.....how long before you two started dating, had THAT relationship ended? I take it in *that* relationship, he wasn't the one to end it? Do you know any of the circumstances surrounding the ending of it? (did his ex cheat? betray him? just change her mind? etc?)

His past relationship ended between 2 -- 3 years ago, so quite some time has passed. He was with her I think from age 17 to 26. And no, he didn't end it, she did. She is actually now married to his ex-best friend. I don't know if she was cheating on him with his best friend, or if they got together later, I'm not sure. My gut feeling is she cheated on him. So yes, this is definitely the cause of his 'trust' issues. But I think he's pretty secure in the sense that he doesn't think I would ever cheat on him, but maybe he's afraid one day I'll change my mind and just say 'you know, I'm not into this anymore'.

One thing I found a little strange........you mentioned that you had no idea how often he talked to his daughter. I get the impression that he doesn't talk about his daughter to you?...doesn't bring that subject up?

No, he doesn't really talk about her often at all. I think it's a very sensitive area for him, because not only can he not see her often, but the man playing the role of 'dad' in her life is his ex-best friend, who may or may not have been part of the reason his relationship ended with his daughter's mother. It's not like he avoids the subject&if I ask anything about her, that seems to be ok, he doesn't try to change the subject or anything.

 

Yes, I think I will wait until after our trip before making a decision&we actually had kind of a good talk over the weekend, & I'm feeling a lot better now. He said a lot of things that made sense. Basically, he just needs time. And I know that's probably the best thing for me right now too, I really don't know why I'm in such a rush. I think he wants to know that I am secure and happy with my life, with or without him. He has said before that you have to be happy with yourself and your own life, before you can make your partner happy.

 

I feel really positive about the relationship right now, like we're getting back on track& I'll let you know how things go.

 

Sera

 

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PS -- How do you like Calgary so far??