blue963 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 He really doesn't treat me the way I should be treated. I give him too much slack because of the situation. I hate when Im treated what feels to be disrespected, yet coming up on 8 years and I can't seem to end this. (probably because my marriage has been bad for years and I cant leave it at the present time) I really dont know what I want as far as posting, probably just need to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely73 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Why can't you leave your marriage? It is very, very difficult to end and A even when you know it's not good for you. Somehow, they fill in some holes in your life just enough to keep you hooked. And we convince ourselves that the pain of being with is better than the pain of being without. It sucks. I am so sorry you are going through 2 less than wonderful relationships. You should not be seti g for either! Find the strength to get what you deserve in life. You CAN do it!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 You can do positive things to change your life like leaving a bad marriage & ending an affair. Problem is you don't want to. You are probably scared. Who would be? Change is scary. But remember the classic definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over but expecting different results. Things won't improve until you take some positive steps to change them. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alebo Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I understand you, it is difficult. But if you are not ready to end either R than it has to wait. Meanwhile work on you, and dont allow mm to treat you the way it makes you feel bad. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 He really doesn't treat me the way I should be treated. I give him too much slack because of the situation. I hate when Im treated what feels to be disrespected, yet coming up on 8 years and I can't seem to end this. (probably because my marriage has been bad for years and I cant leave it at the present time) I really dont know what I want as far as posting, probably just need to vent. What's stopping you? What are you afraid of? Dig down deep and do some soul searching. This is your life and if you're this unhappy in your marriage and don't like how your MM is treating you in your affair, then do something about it. Venting is fine but nothing will change until you get the courage to do the necessary changes so you can be happier. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Have you ever told him how you feel? And that you need X in order for your relationship to continue? If not, try it. Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 If you've been stuck unable to change a bad situation for eight years, I really think it's time to seek out a professional therapist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
finally43 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Blue, what keeps you in the affair? Re-reading your previous threads, the constant theme is how poorly the MM treats you and how you allow it. You almost sound pleased that the affair has gone on 8 years. What are you getting from the affair? Why are you willing to continue it? Same for your marriage? You aren't a victim. You can change your life. So why won't you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Wow 8 years? That is a long time to be in an A. Can I ask why you cannot leave your marriage? It sounds like your AP is a MM from the replies I have read. You say he treats you badly, with disrespect. What is it he does? Why have you stayed in long term A with someone who doesn't treat you well? Has he ever had plans to leave his M? I'm just curious. I am married, in an A with a MM for the past two and a half years. He treats me well,better than H does, no problems there. I am still married because I have a teenage son with mental health difficulties, that became evident after my A started. He needs both parents at home, it is not the right time for me to get a D. I have been recently thinking about what's the end game here? If my MM is not going to leave his wife, if we cannot be together, then what's the point of staying in a relationship? The thought of still being in this same situation in 5 years does not appeal to me, so I'm kind of interested in how you stayed in your A for so long. Keep in mind it has taken me a while to realize my Mm is not going to leave his W. He never said he would, but when our relationship started I felt that would be what would naturally happen (I know, pretty lame). It does sound like you have been in two, not so great relationships for a long time. I am curious as to why you have stayed in both for so long? it might help me in thinking about what I am doing. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 (edited) Have you ever told him how you feel? And that you need X in order for your relationship to continue? If not, try it. OP, I don't recommend counting on this....of cheating MM in an 8 year affair, only 0.037% are willing to make a change to improve things for you, but 99.86% of them will use that topic as an additional delaying tactic. The point is to keep you from getting fed up with how stupid it is. I have a feeling you're waking up, and getting ready to make some changes. You're just trying it on right now, with us. So please keep posting! And try some positive posts next time...."I'm strong", "I can make choices", "I have one life to live, I'm going to make the best of it". Things like that. Edited June 13, 2015 by SoleMate sp 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue963 Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 I have never been really great about verbalizing my needs. We have been together 8 years. We have chatted almost every holiday night for years. As time goes on that has changed. The holiday chats at night arent as frequent as they used to be. What it comes down to is that in like most relationships I am feeling taken for granted. We didnt chat last night on thanksgiving night. I am debating sending an email. "we have chatted every thanksgiving night for 8 years. I guess its time for a change" How does this sound....would you send it? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Sounds like a game playing email, like you are trying to bait him into either a fight or to soothe your wounded feelings. If it's time for YOU to make a change, then figure out what YOU need to to do and do it. Then you can tell him exactly what YOU are changing and then you follow through on making those changes so he knows you are serious and not just chattering at him with empty threats. "I guess it's time for a change" just sounds like an empty threat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Blue I'm guessing you're just here to vent since you've been posting the same things for years. You're in a marriage that you have no desire to leave or work on. You're in this affair, that hasn't worked in years, yet you almost seem proud of the fact that you've stuck with the dysfunction for 8 years. There's no award given for long term, wasting of ones life. This email you want to send is passive aggressive. How about just telling him what you tell us here. You know; this isn't working, hasn't worked in years, it OVER. Then seek some therapy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 What it comes down to is that in like most relationships I am feeling taken for granted. Then start loving yourself and put yourself first. Find your backbone and make the changes you need to do to make your life happier and healthier. You're unhappy in your marriage so you're cheating and been having an A for many years. And the A isn't working anymore (like someone else said) so instead of sending a note like that, take control and end it. If you can't make the changes on your own, seek counseling. Otherwise your life will stay the same for many more years to come. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Dont send. If the A isnt meeting needs its run its course. Just make the change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 I have never been really great about verbalizing my needs. We have been together 8 years. We have chatted almost every holiday night for years. As time goes on that has changed. The holiday chats at night arent as frequent as they used to be. What it comes down to is that in like most relationships I am feeling taken for granted. We didnt chat last night on thanksgiving night. I am debating sending an email. "we have chatted every thanksgiving night for 8 years. I guess its time for a change" How does this sound....would you send it? 8 years is a long time to be consuming breadcrumbs. Have you starved yet? The dude is not a good person. Read your original posts. What progress have you made? What are you trying to accomplish? You need to reflect. What is there to debate? Are you going to end this or not? He's spending the holidays with his family and not you. You get the scraps, the leftovers while he gets the full turkey with someone else. Wishing you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 8 years is a long time to be consuming breadcrumbs. Have you starved yet? The dude is not a good person. Read your original posts. What progress have you made? What are you trying to accomplish? You need to reflect. What is there to debate? Are you going to end this or not? He's spending the holidays with his family and not you. You get the scraps, the leftovers while he gets the full turkey with someone else. Wishing you luck. Imagine him fat and happy...not a care in the world...happy with his wife and family...not even a crumb your way. Nothing. You've gotta hit this low to realize hes so done he couldnt even care enough to set you free. Too much effort, or not worth it...he is just waiting for you to pull the plug. I would not even give him that. Go dark. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 May I gently suggest that there is a significant difference between healthy fulfilling relationships and disfunctional ones: in a healthy relationship, there are behavioral boundaries where the other party knows if they cross, they jeopardize the whole relationship. Typically, these get established in the beginning with clear expectations. This allows a relationship to grow, expectations to change over time and yet the foundation of appropriate relationship behavior stays consistent and fair. A good friend told me quite honestly after my last boyfriend (before my husband) broke my heart that she always knew my relationship was destined to fail. I was surprised and asked why. Her answer was that I had put up with way too much bad behavior from my ex and I had never made him live up to any standards. Painfully, she was right. I was so afraid of losing him that I didn't demand what I needed for me to be happy and healthy in our relationship. Fast forward to meeting my husband and I was conscious about boundaries. Before I even got too attached, I set out expectations of how I should be treated if I was going to invest my time. He did the same. To this day, we both comment that doing that allowed us to build what we have. I offer this because I can tell that you love him and you want him to treat you better but genuinely -'especially after eight years - I don't think there is any way to reset the playing field. It's time to call this relationship a day, heal, and move on with a greater understanding of what you need and want in a relationship so that your next relationship can be healthy and fulfilling. The idea of him at all costs is simply unsustainable. I say that knowing how hard it is to walk away from someone you love but also having found the love and relationship of my dreams. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue963 Posted November 28, 2015 Author Share Posted November 28, 2015 I wasnt divorcing because I was caring for my terminally ill mother and have 4 children. I filed for divorce in June and husband has moved out. As far as the MM goes I dont plan on staying with him forever. The past 4 years have been really difficult because I have been responsible for 4 kids, myself, and my mom whilc functioning basically as a single parent. I havent been able to end it with MM yet because at this point in time it was just too much grief with everything else I have had to emotionally and mentally absorb in the past year. There will be a day when I will end it. I am now free to date and establish normal relationships and I am looking forward to it. About the only issue I have with MM is that time is difficult for us. He and I have been there to support each other during difficult times. You dont have the entire picture, just as we dont know the full stories of others. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 (edited) It's funny how you offer information, people give advise on what you provided and your response is "you don't know the whole story". Laughable. Why are you even complaining since he has been there for you all this time? What is one Thanksgiving compared to everything else? Who cares if he calls you on a FAMILY holiday since your only qualm is making time together? Anyway, no need for being so defensive, people are just offering advice but it's not their 8 years wasted with breadcrumbs. Edited November 28, 2015 by Ms. Faust 3 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 (edited) I wasnt divorcing because I was caring for my terminally ill mother and have 4 children. I filed for divorce in June and husband has moved out. As far as the MM goes I dont plan on staying with him forever. The past 4 years have been really difficult because I have been responsible for 4 kids, myself, and my mom whilc functioning basically as a single parent. I havent been able to end it with MM yet because at this point in time it was just too much grief with everything else I have had to emotionally and mentally absorb in the past year. There will be a day when I will end it. I am now free to date and establish normal relationships and I am looking forward to it. About the only issue I have with MM is that time is difficult for us. He and I have been there to support each other during difficult times. You dont have the entire picture, just as we dont know the full stories of others. Hmmm..its too much greif to add to your life to break up with him on top of everything else? Its the OPPOSITE staying with him is too much greif on top of everything else. When the doctors and nurses tell you down the road your Mom passed, do you think he'd leave a family dinner and rush to be by your side and stay and hold you through the night while you cry? If hes always there for you in difficult times dont you think knowing holidays are hard on single mothers especially ones caring for a terminally ill parent, that he would've reached out on Thanksgiving? I think people here care more than you think about you. Its brutally painful to come to the decision that he no longer cares, sparks wore off, it isnt exciting him. Do u know what excites him?? HIM. He was in it for thrills...do you think he wants to leave his comfy home and family and money to help raise 4 kids in a broken home with an ailing parent too? Sh!% got real and he lost interest. It was better for him while you were married...he felt no obligation to worry about leaving or responsibility to you. Now that the role is officially open for him to move right in if he wanted to...theres no mystery, no forbidden fruit, he won you, the husband is out of the picture...now he's like..ya, no thanks. You have to face the painful truth. No one here wants to harm you...but your not being honest with yourself and the rest of the story isnt relevant...the facts you gave are nauseating enough but I understand its SO much harder to see when you love someone and dont wanna let go. Edited November 29, 2015 by privategal Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 If the A doesn't add value to your life, it's time to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I'm genuinely curious how you have so much stress and responsibility on your plate - the big stuff, 4 kids and being caregiver to your mother (I'm so sorry she's not well), yet have time for an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 He really doesn't treat me the way I should be treated. I give him too much slack because of the situation. I hate when Im treated what feels to be disrespected, yet coming up on 8 years and I can't seem to end this. (probably because my marriage has been bad for years and I cant leave it at the present time) I really dont know what I want as far as posting, probably just need to vent. 8 years of this? Sounds really damaging. Why not stop? Link to post Share on other sites
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