WantHappyness Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Hi All need some advice. met my wife at work, she was unhappily married and we connected. She divorced a year after marriage. I stuck by her all thru the exes drama. Two years later we got married and everything went pear shaped. Problems with family,friends everything became problematic. I cut my ties to my family and friends but nothing went better. had a beautyfull baby boy and girl. things just got worse. then 6 yrs later caught her in an emotional affair with a guy in another country, she met though work. Steamy stuff was written. another six years later same thing again. first she denied anything happened. then admitted they kissed when she was on a work trip out of town. Then she says she does not love me anymore and has not for a long time. I worked 18 hrs days in my business since my farther passed away three years ago. She moved out took the kids with her. Which I agreed to. I handed in the divorce in January. Had our ups and down arguments. then all changed in End of May. She started being nice again decent. Even came back and proclaimed her love for me . Then the knocks came. She first admitted to having sex with a guy because she got drunk on a date with him. Then another admission of guilt that she had unprotected sex with a dude who who was there for her when she was down because I would not talk to her. He was nice to her and had sex with him three times. Apparently they called it off he was younger she cannot have any more kids. I myself have not strayed kept true to my vows and concentrated on myself and my kids.Always thinking she would come around. Now she wants back, but also doesn't know herself. She says the sex was a mistake as her phsycologist told her she must move on find somebody who can fullfill her heart.She has some serious childhood baggage still in her. I still love my wife and would it not have been for the sex would have made the decision to take her back much easier. Will she ever change or is the saying true " A Leapord does not change his Spots" I am not with out my Faults. During a heated argument 8yrs ago, a very heated argument, I unfortunatly did what no man can justify and slapped her. One thing I was told to never do and that is to hit a lady. I am still ashamed of my self till this day. Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 It just sounds like she's using you as a familar,soft place to land since the other guys didn't work out. She seems to have a pattern. If it were me, there is NO way I'd take her back. Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I am with Divorced Dad. Consistent pattern of infidelity. And I have to point out it sounds like it started with you since you got together when she was still married. No way would I take her back. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 You married a cheater knowingly. It was foolish of you to believe she would ever be anyone else than she is. She's not a faithful wife, has never been and never will be. Don't take her back, stick to co-parenting, she's just trouble and now that her affair partner dumped her she is checking which of the guys she had sex with lately are going to open the door for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WantHappyness Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 Is there away one could maybe help her. To be very honest I really love her and never stopped. She opened up and admited to her infidelity after she moved out. Could one classify them as rebounds or am I being treated as the rebound. Or am I just crazy, is it really possible to love a person to be able to forgive so much pain. I grew up in a wholesome,complete,loving family. Hers is as broken as can imagine. I would really like her to see this is possible, also my kids deserve better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Is there away one could maybe help her. To be very honest I really love her and never stopped. She opened up and admited to her infidelity after she moved out. Could one classify them as rebounds or am I being treated as the rebound. Or am I just crazy, is it really possible to love a person to be able to forgive so much pain. I grew up in a wholesome,complete,loving family. Hers is as broken as can imagine. I would really like her to see this is possible, also my kids deserve better than this. It isn't your job to fix her. You tried, and she screwed you over. All you're going to do if you try to "help" her out of yet another mess she's made for herself is put any chance you have at happiness on hold. Do you want to do that? I came from a broken home too and can assure you it is infinitely easier to have parents who are divorced than to have parents who are married and treat each other horribly. Your kids don't deserve to live with married parents while seeing their mom treat their dad like trash. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WantHappyness Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 She says she really is confused and doesn't know why she came forward and was honest with me and told me she slept with two men. She felt lost when she moved out. Misread the advice given by her shrink. Continues to say I reacted harshly by allowing her to move out after the dude she only kissed. Did I over react and paying the price now? Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 She says she really is confused and doesn't know why she came forward and was honest with me and told me she slept with two men. She felt lost when she moved out. Misread the advice given by her shrink. Continues to say I reacted harshly by allowing her to move out after the dude she only kissed. Did I over react and paying the price now? No, you didn't. She was looking for a way out. When she realized the men she's cheating with wouldn't support her the way you have all this time she came back to her safety net. Don't fall for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WantHappyness Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 I am so confused. Damn wish I had more in me or be stronger. She can be so bloody wonderfull if she has her head on her shoulders. It bothers me quite a bit that she had sex with the other. But..... I dont know,Like I said all twisted inside. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 You are not confused. What you are trying to do is erase your boundaries. You had the strength to value yourself and tell her to move out after she cheated. Do not question this. You teach people how they should treat you. You taught her, you cheat, your out. Stay with this. Next time she brings that up, you must firmly let her know that that is your stance on infidelty and it will never change. In regards to your tomorrows, what's the hurry? Can she not take some time and maintain a good friendship ? Cant she take a year without the "validation"? Does she need to know now? If she is not willing to do the time, to earn your trust, she will move on to the next guy very soon. Most posters here are telling you she will Take your time. Stop being confused. Value yourself and your character. She needs to change her morals, not you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 She cannot be helped; she has to help herself, but she won't do that. She prefers sticking to other men like a leech. This is her lifestyle, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Focus on yourself; see to it that you stick to your boundaries firmly, or else she'll drrag you down once more. If you were single some would say "Oh well he has to learn the hard way" and would just wave you goodbye as you follow her down the drain, but you have children to think about and they need a stable parent that isn't poisoned by the other parents' toxic nature. I'm surprised you haven't been off to court to demand custody yet - how old are your children? And, honestly - her story about her psychologist is either made up, or she has the worst one I've ever heard about. "She has to find a person that fulfills her heart"? Bull$hit, she has to get it together first and then worry about getting into a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WantHappyness Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 My Boy is 11yrs and my baby girl is 6yrs. Where we are, our custody rules are horrible,courts always biased towards mothers, you have to prove serious stuff before men get custody. Basically you have to prove abuse,or drug dependency or mental illness. She does not drink,smoke,or do drugs. And she is financialy not in trouble. One thing I can and will not deny is that she is a good mother and loves her kids. Its when the kids were with me that she got it on with her goods. My Boy does allot of Cycling and I take him across country regurlary. She always wants to go along which I never deny her. After all she is my Childrens Mother. Its very Difficult for me to say No. Always scared the Kids will be disadvantaged, or disappoint them. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Your biggest problem is that you are allowing - encouraging, even - your EMOTIONS to make your logical and practical decisions for you. You can't do that. What you MUST absolutely, without any shadow of a doubt do, is to ask any guys you know who are divorces "successfully" which lawyer they used, and how good he or she is. Then find said good lawyer and tell them you need them to make sound, legally fair but watertight decisions for you. Because you are so fogged by your feelings you cannot think straight. Letting your feelings rule your head is absolutely totally messing with your children, your rights and your future. Give the lawyer the onerous task of dealing with matters as they certainly should be dealt with. You deal with your heart. But remember one vital thing: Never contradict or interfere with your lawyer's sensible decisions on your behalf, with emotional reasoning. You will invariably be wrong. The Law does not roll with the emotional; it rolls with what is permissible or advisable under Law. Never permit the two to mix. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WantHappyness Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 Thanks Tara, Yes I did get a good lawyer, the divorce will be finalised in the next two weeks. Just cant figure out why she is coming around now so close to the final divorce order being granted. She never even got a lawyer because she realised she's getting a good deal and just ageed.I palyed a very fair game not to worry the kids to much. Will be a blow to the kids to reinstate my boundries, They got used to the idea of me coming around in the evenings latetly,helping out with bath time, even giving a nite time cuddle. When the kids are with me I even allowed her to come past and join for dinner. I know its all wrong.But as long as she behaves I savour every moment I get with my Kids. As strictly I should only see them every wednesday and every other weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
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