Last chance at love?

[ange88]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 2 beautiful children. We have a good home and good jobs and up until 3 years ago a fairytale marriage.

 

 

Three years ago I met up with an ex and had an affair. The ex and I had a lot of unresolved issues and it was just a whole emotionally complicated situation.

 

 

I felt guilty, I had taken what I thought was this beautiful thing and thrown it away. I had betrayed the man that stood by me in my worst and for what? An ex that I knew I would and could never have a future with?!

 

 

I told my husband. I asked for a divorce. I didn't deserve him.

 

 

When I told him he was very taken aback and hurt. He responded by telling me about 2 affairs he had had. He told me that he regretted them and that when it happened it made him feel so guilty that he held on tighter to me and our love and that it made him realize what he could loose.

 

 

Needless to say, I was in shock.

 

 

Here I was, Ashamed and humiliated. Feeling so guilty for what I had done and unable to live with it only to find out he had been hiding this from me for however long!

 

 

To cut a long story short, we decided to try make it work. After all, we are all human and sometimes mistakes happen.

 

 

In the interim we have welcomed a new baby who just turned one.

 

 

The problem I am facing is that I'm no longer happy.

 

 

I find no joy with my husband, I feel we are too different and that we have nothing in common.

 

 

He is still a good man and provides for the family and is a great father so why do I feel like I want to be on my own?

 

 

I have spoken to him and told him that I feel like leaving and the fact that I'm feeling that way should surely be a sign that something is not right?!

 

 

He tells me that as far as he is concerned we are great. He says he has never loved me more and that he is pretty sure I'm just depressed.

 

 

I've been on antidepressants for over 6 months!!!

 

 

I am scared of leaving. I am scared that this will be the one that got away if I walk out. I love him, I always will but I'm not in love with him anymore.

 

 

Anyone been here that can give a heavy heart some advice?

[understand50]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 2 beautiful children. We have a good home and good jobs and up until 3 years ago a fairytale marriage.

 

 

Three years ago I met up with an ex and had an affair. The ex and I had a lot of unresolved issues and it was just a whole emotionally complicated situation.

 

 

I felt guilty, I had taken what I thought was this beautiful thing and thrown it away. I had betrayed the man that stood by me in my worst and for what? An ex that I knew I would and could never have a future with?!

 

 

I told my husband. I asked for a divorce. I didn't deserve him.

 

 

When I told him he was very taken aback and hurt. He responded by telling me about 2 affairs he had had. He told me that he regretted them and that when it happened it made him feel so guilty that he held on tighter to me and our love and that it made him realize what he could loose.

 

 

Needless to say, I was in shock.

 

 

Here I was, Ashamed and humiliated. Feeling so guilty for what I had done and unable to live with it only to find out he had been hiding this from me for however long!

 

 

To cut a long story short, we decided to try make it work. After all, we are all human and sometimes mistakes happen.

 

 

In the interim we have welcomed a new baby who just turned one.

 

 

The problem I am facing is that I'm no longer happy.

 

 

I find no joy with my husband, I feel we are too different and that we have nothing in common.

 

 

He is still a good man and provides for the family and is a great father so why do I feel like I want to be on my own?

 

 

I have spoken to him and told him that I feel like leaving and the fact that I'm feeling that way should surely be a sign that something is not right?!

 

 

He tells me that as far as he is concerned we are great. He says he has never loved me more and that he is pretty sure I'm just depressed.

 

 

I've been on antidepressants for over 6 months!!!

 

 

I am scared of leaving. I am scared that this will be the one that got away if I walk out. I love him, I always will but I'm not in love with him anymore.

 

 

Anyone been here that can give a heavy heart some advice?

 

ange88, May I suggest the following:

 

Get into MC, and IC for both of you.

 

Start up some type of Date Night where you can be a couple again. I suggest once a week, and always make the date. On the date, you have fun, no heavy discussions. This will help you get back in "love"

 

Looks like you are talking, but you need to do more of it. Your husband should listen to you and try and understand what is going on. I suggest a once a month time where you talk, and all topic can be discussed, but the topic's stay in your "talk" time only. This make you both think about the issue, and allows things to come out in a safe place. Slows down the arguments, so both side can hear each other.

 

SEX, have sex, have more sex, if you are not indulging now. This helps to reconnect you and keep you together.

 

The fact that both of you have cheated, shows that there are issues in your marriage. As you both are in the"wrong" it may help you move forward, as guilt is "shared". I think that the couple that sticks it out, do come out stronger in the end. It is getting there that is hard. You both have to work at your marriage, and try and find what works for you both.

 

My wife and I have been married over 40 years. Not all of it was "bliss", but the hard time always lead into the "better" and "good" times". Look, I fall in love and out of love with my wife all the time. I think you are over thinking the "I am not in love with him, but love him thing" If I had worried about that I would have divorced her 10 times over. Love is many things, and can be what you want it to be. Hot love comes and goes. This is normal, stay with it and things will get better, if you and he work at it.

 

Good luck to you both.

 

PS: A good site to look at is http://www.artofmanliness.com/. They have a lot of info that may give you a place to start. DTY MC, is what I used to help get over a ruff patch. It is written from a man's point of view, so see if you husband may find some use from it.

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Edited June 10, 2015 by understand50

[oldshirt]

My grandmother married her second husband in her upper 70s after my grandfather had passed away several years before so it's never too late.

 

But in regards to your marital issues, IMHO all is not lost. It can still be saved if that is what you choose to do.

 

The reason I say your marriage is salvageable is both of you came clean about the affairs on your own and both chose to try to reconcile.

 

What you are facing now is the hard work part. You have lost a lot of trust and connection with him due to his affairs and you have lost a lot of attraction and warm, fuzzy feelings and butterflies for him because you were having butterflies and warm fuzzies for your OM and now you are in your drying process like a cocaine addict coming off of coke. It's gonna be rough and not "feel" good for awhile.

 

From what you have said though, everyone is acting in good faith now and there hasn't been any bad behavior or deal breakers since you started reconciling so there is hope left here.

 

I agree that this will take some serious work and effort as well as professional MC and IC.

 

The question is not can it be done, because it obviously can.

 

The real question is are you will to put in the work and effort and uncertainty? Or would you rather toss in the towel and go through the work and effort and uncertainty of divorce and then start over?

 

Assuming your husband isn't just blowing smoke (which would be a whole other topic) the fact that he is still willing to reconcile is a sign of hope. It's whether you're willing to go through this nonfun part and put in the work or not that is the question.

[loveboid]

Stare into each other's eyes, compliment each other. Whatever you did to fall in love before, do that now.

 

The problem with stale relationships is that people stop doing what was successful before. Consistency is the key to success. Consistency IS success. Can't just do lovey things at the start of the relationship then stop and hope it carries through to the end.

[adna89]

It seems you need a man that will not be good towards you,once you loose him you will realize what you had and lost

[MarieB215]

Understand50 had some great points. I asked H for a separation instead of really putting all my efforts into things I could do to really rebuild and there isn't a day that goes by that i don't regret that decision. If I could give you any advice it would be to pursue every single avenue before you try and make a move to end your marriage. I wish someone would have told me the same. Good luck to you OP.

[Cephalopod]

You are mourning the loss of your ex-boyfriend, coupled with your shame for your adultery, tripled with your shock at your husband's infidelities...and you are expecting to be fine and dandy?

 

First off... I agree with the others. Get in marriage counseling as well as IC for both of you.

 

You didn't marry your husband because he just happened to be passing by an the two of you just decided to get married on a whim. There was passion and lust and deep infatuation there at one time. You and your husband can have that again if you both are committed and try hard enough.

 

So far you really haven't been trying. From what we gather you have not been to any kind of marriage counseling, you are probably on the wrong meds for your depression, and you are giving your ex-boyfriend too much rental space in your head.

 

And you are pissed at your husband...as you should be. And he has every right top be pissed at you. You both ****ed up. Own your bad decisions, and make sure your husband is owning his.

 

Give this more time. Don't throw your marriage away because you are depressed and sad. That is no good reason. Tell your doctor the meds are not working. Get yourself and your husband into weekly MC. Start spending time with each other...at least 15 hours of one-on-one time a week, so that your husband can start filling the emotional gaps that were once filled by your ex-boyfriend.