Boundaries in your relationship

[Clay]

I'll STRONGLY DISAGREE with this... no offense, Jen.....

 

But there must be boundaries, and there is absolutely NO reason that a married person should have sexual flirting with the opposite sex, and it goes both ways. There is no need to get some other man excited and give him the impression that there is sexual interest which is exactly what she is doing. If she's that hot, she will get men's attention just by being there, and a little light social flirting could be in order... but not the sex stuff.

 

And, there's no reason that the OP should have to worry about this... totally unfair to him.

 

 

 

This is NOT a woman's world... it is both a man's and a woman's world and both must behave appropriately in a married relationship (and a committed relationship as well).

 

It's so easy to let that kind of sexual flirting easily go to the next step... and the next and the affair. Now, if that's what one wants, so be it, but not the OP. I've seen it SO MANY TIMES. And I seen it lead to the affair, too.

 

If I were single looking to pick up a woman, and got sexual flirting, there would be no doubt in my mind that she was interested and if I liked her, I'd pursue it. I'd be pissed if she was just playing with the intention of getting men excited and then throwing cold water on them. That's lousy.

 

I completely agree with this. Look at the bright side if his wife uses this line I would be out to the bar every night dancing with women and flirting with them as well. Can you imagine the look on her face when she said she doesn't feel comfortable and you respond well you see your asking to me change myself and this being a "Mans World" I should be able to share myself with anyone I want as long as I am not cheating.

 

If she wants to flirt with every guy like she is single then maybe she should be single.

 

[jen1447]

jen I hope you mean her and not me? I guess I'm a little dense..lol

Actually I meant you, altho I'm mostly teasing. But within the context you asked for, whining about unfairness is man-bitchy.

 

I'll STRONGLY DISAGREE with this... no offense, Jen.....

 

But there must be boundaries, and there is absolutely NO reason that a married person should have sexual flirting with the opposite sex, and it goes both ways. There is no need to get some other man excited and give him the impression that there is sexual interest which is exactly what she is doing. If she's that hot, she will get men's attention just by being there, and a little light social flirting could be in order... but not the sex stuff.

 

And, there's no reason that the OP should have to worry about this... totally unfair to him.

Within your worldview, sure. But others exist.

[Popsicle]

I am if the opinion that flirts belong with other flirts, and nonflirts belong together. They understand each other and would get along better.

[OldRover]

File this one under, you knew what you were getting yourself into before you got married. I am the same way. I'm very outgoing, and I'm very friendly to everyone I meet. It does at times get mistaken for more than it is because I get hit on by guys all the time.

 

My husband knows how I am and he knows I'm not going to act on it so we haven't had any problems. I know if he told me to change the way I am it would really change me as a person. So you can either deal with your wife being the person she is or you can try to change her and hope that it doesn't affect the way she feels towards you. The latter being a very dangerous road to go down.

 

Mandymor,

 

You make a good point, and I'm exactly the same way.... VERY outgoing and friendly with both the guys and the girls. And you're right, you don't need to do sexual flirting to get hit on. And you don't need to flirt at all to get hit on. However, if you are the one initiating sexual flirting, you're sending the message that you're hitting on them, if that's what you want. (I'd be surprised if your husband would like that).

 

You don't need to change your outgoing ways, lightly flirt, be friendly, etc and have a good time.... and you'll get hit on regardless, and when that happens you can set the record straight right at that time.

 

I get hit on quite often (and I'm no knockout guy). Just the other day, some lady I never met brings me a beer as I'm docking my boat, and said that docking was outstanding. Really nice, I thought. When I finished tying it down, I met up with her and thanked her and bought her one too (and offered same for her girlfriends). I told her it was a great jester, but she didn't have to do that. We chatted for a bit, mentioned I was meeting a buddy there shortly and would let them chat. The lady then made a sexual comment as to how she was available and friendly and would be there tomorrow.... and my comment was.... you are a very nice lady and should have no problem attracting the man you want.... implying I wasn't that man, and had no interest other than a nice chat, drink and just meeting nice people. No one was offended, and no one felt that things would go further at that point, so easy to let it drop.

 

If she were married (don't know), I'd consider that inappropriate, but suspect she was single. One of her friends was married and a good conversationalist and nice to talk to but nothing sexual at all.

 

Stuff like that happens all the time, and one can act appropriate for their situation and it things even start to go to far, they can stop it right away.

[OldRover]

Actually I meant you, altho I'm mostly teasing. But within the context you asked for, whining about unfairness is man-bitchy.

 

 

Within your worldview, sure. But others exist.

 

Jen,

 

You're absolutely right, and I'm sure we live in different worlds, and nothing wrong with that.

 

However, for most of the married (or committed crowd), they want to be monogamous with their mate and would most likely keep the sexual flirting to themselves. But there's relationships that are different.

 

Clearly the OP has a loving a caring relationship... and they both love each other and want to grow that way. I'd be surprised if either is seeking an affair of any kind, but when you invite that potential into the conversation, it can be bad. I'd not put up with it... however, would be sure I'd find a way to fix it that would make my woman want to fix it.... without issues. And that's what the OP wants.

[autumnnight]

I completely agree with this. Look at the bright side if his wife uses this line I would be out to the bar every night dancing with women and flirting with them as well. Can you imagine the look on her face when she said she doesn't feel comfortable and you respond well you see your asking to me change myself and this being a "Mans World" I should be able to share myself with anyone I want as long as I am not cheating.

 

If she wants to flirt with every guy like she is single then maybe she should be single.

 

 

When exactly did the OP indicate that she hits on everythi,g that movers, flirts non-stop, teases intentionally,, and poised to cheat? She needs to shore up boundaries and me more thoughtful.....but geez.

 

I get that a lot of us have been betrayed, but our triggers do not = her cheating.

[Mr Carson]

There's clearly a divide and I'm not surprised, it all subject to your relationship, experience and self-understanding.

 

I did marry her and have no regrets, would do it again. I believe she's been faithful to me for 25 years, I can't find any evidence to disprove that.

 

Flirty banter I can live with, but at times she goes too far. We all grow as individuals and in our relationships, I'm not asking her to change her spots but you MUST take the SO feelings into account. When she gaslights or puts me off, is this the correct way to deal with your SO feelings? She is more jealous than I am, if I went to the bar dancing with other women she would go nuts. But when she does what she wants I'm supposed to bend over and take it, she has to face it/me and we need to work something out.

 

I have changed no doubt and maybe that's not fair to her but I can’t say I was ever happy about it. I just want to tread lightly I don't want to start a war we both lose in. I hope I don't sound like I'm whining because I'm just looking for a solution we both can be happy with. I love her I would lay down my life for her, go to battle for her, protect he with my life I really don't think in that light I'm being unreasonable.

[Clay]

When exactly did the OP indicate that she hits on everythi,g that movers, flirts non-stop, teases intentionally,, and poised to cheat? She needs to shore up boundaries and me more thoughtful.....but geez.

 

I get that a lot of us have been betrayed, but our triggers do not = her cheating.

 

If it happens once and he finds it uncomfortable for him then its once to many. I wasn't implying she was cheating. I was just implying what is good for her should be good for him as well. It seems to there are different rules for men and women and honestly I think its bs. She is in a relationship and once he makes it clear it bothers him that should have been the end of it. Just as I stated in my previous thread. It only took once for my wife to tell me she did not want me alone with my xW.

 

Clay

[Winterina]

My partner stopped doing crap like your wife does when I told him it bothered me. It did not require him changing his personality, there is a whole lot more to personality than flirting for the love of God!!! Flirting does not define anyone, and if that is more important to her than your feelings about it...

 

 

It is not like you asked her to not talk to any guy ever again, you just asked her to keep it respectable to you and she did not acknowledge that. I would be pissed about that fact alone.

[Got it]

I guess I am confused. If I am doing something that is causing my husband heartache and he has a seemingly reasonable argument on it why wouldn't I at least compromise my behavior if not amend it?

 

It is a two way street so I would want to have the same "ability" with him so why wouldn't I honor his wishes and amend mine?

 

I just can't fathom a way that I wouldn't find it reasonable to curtail any flirtatious behavior because my husband of DECADES is expressing concern?

 

Jeez. Seems reasonable.

[autumnnight]

I completely agree with this. Look at the bright side if his wife uses this line I would be out to the bar every night dancing with women and flirting with them as well.

 

This is not only immature, as far as we know, his wife does not go out without him, chat up men, and dance with them.

 

Can you imagine the look on her face when she said she doesn't feel comfortable and you respond well you see your asking to me change myself and this being a "Mans World" I should be able to share myself with anyone I want as long as I am not cheating.

 

First, the whole "woman's world" thing was not said by the OP's wife. It was a remark made by another poster. Another red herring/knee jerk. Besides, listen to the tone of this whole sentence above. Infantile? Yes

 

If she wants to flirt with every guy like she is single then maybe she should be single.

 

Did she say she wanted to be single? Did the OP say she wanted to be single?

 

Look, she is out of line, and she needs to knock it off, but none of the above stuff even makes sense. It's reactions to other posters' remarks that the wife never even made and scenarios that don't even exist, like going out without him and dancing.

 

Add in a few "who knows what she's doing behind yer back, dude! Put a GPS on her car, hire a PI, send her panties out for DNA, and get STD tested," and you have a full on unnecessary panic attack.

[Mr Carson]

This is the scenario of my problem

 

I call W hey whataya doing

 

W, just sitting here with the cat on my lap, you know stroking my pussy, wish you were here to help…hehehe

 

We’re in a group setting she’s doing the flirty banter thing with an acquaintance. I’m nearby, close enough to hear them talking but not with her. Then the subject of pets comes up, W I love my kitty you know I love to stroke my pussy…..….guy's eyes go wide, W hehehe you know what I mean hehehe the rest of the night the guy is laser locked on her, so is his wife.

 

On the way home I say you used that same line on me, you know how that guy took it don’t you? W you really think I would do that blah blah blah then I say BS and she goes to bed mad at me. I think that’s gaslighting no?

 

Let’s say I’m ok with it, she can flirt like minx and it turns her on and we go home and have great sex. Maybe we use this and it turns out to be fun. Maybe this is her kink? Maybe she loves the idea of making some guy’s dick hard and thinking about how he goes home and jerks off thinking of her? If this is the case I don’t give a s*** about the guy’s feelings right or wrong she owes him NOTHING, he played the game and lost, too bad for him. As long as it’s just talk and goes no further, then fine it is what it is.

 

 

If I have to find a way to allow her be herself, does she not owe me an HONEST answer? will someone please (jen) answer that!

 

Or, I just do what I’ve done for the last 25 years…nothing and live with it, even if it’s hurting me now. But I have a feeling you ladies that are ok with it (I know most aren't) don’t gaslight your SO?

[MM1234]

Mr. Carson,

 

The example you just gave about saying "stroking my pussy" when speaking of her pet cat.....yeah, that is WAY out of line. I can see why men get real inappropriate with her if she says things like that around them.

 

You are not being unreasonable & your wife is disrespectful towards you when she does that.

[autumnnight]

This is the scenario of my problem

 

I call W hey whataya doing

 

W, just sitting here with the cat on my lap, you know stroking my pussy, wish you were here to help…hehehe

 

We’re in a group setting she’s doing the flirty banter thing with an acquaintance. I’m nearby, close enough to hear them talking but not with her. Then the subject of pets comes up, W I love my kitty you know I love to stroke my pussy…..….guy's eyes go wide, W hehehe you know what I mean hehehe the rest of the night the guy is laser locked on her, so is his wife.

 

On the way home I say you used that same line on me, you know how that guy took it don’t you? W you really think I would do that blah blah blah then I say BS and she goes to bed mad at me. I think that’s gaslighting no?

 

Let’s say I’m ok with it, she can flirt like minx and it turns her on and we go home and have great sex. Maybe we use this and it turns out to be fun. Maybe this is her kink? Maybe she loves the idea of making some guy’s dick hard and thinking about how he goes home and jerks off thinking of her? If this is the case I don’t give a s*** about the guy’s feelings right or wrong she owes him NOTHING, he played the game and lost, too bad for him. As long as it’s just talk and goes no further, then fine it is what it is.

 

 

If I have to find a way to allow her be herself, does she not owe me an HONEST answer? will someone please (jen) answer that!

 

Or, I just do what I’ve done for the last 25 years…nothing and live with it, even if it’s hurting me now. But I have a feeling you ladies that are ok with it (I know most aren't) don’t gaslight your SO?

 

Um...yeah, if she used THAT line on a man besides you, she needs some boundary help.

 

However, I still say approach her as a human and not as the 'ho some of the posters seem to think she is.

[Noideanow]

maybe its the time spent apart on each your jobs flirting with each your colleagues that gets a little frustrating and gets the jealousy going:confused: i would get jealous if i had a husband that was working with other woman, i would turn into a flirt to wake him up or make him feel as bad as i would feel, i think:o but only if my voice would not be taken seriously when stating my feelings. So i can sure understand how you must feel as she is working around those men:cool:

Edited June 12, 2015 by Noideanow

[Methodical]

Or, I just do what I’ve done for the last 25 years…nothing and live with it, even if it’s hurting me now. But I have a feeling you ladies that are ok with it (I know most aren't) don’t gaslight your SO?

 

Her flirtatiousness has been going on for two and a half decades and now you have a problem with it? What has changed recently? For her, this is a case of whiplash.

[Noideanow]

Maybe ask her if she is trying to make you jealous in those situations?

Ask her if something you are doing or saying is making her frustrated/jealous?

 

But maybe she is not aware of it, or in denial, in such case i think you have to turn your back on her in those situations or flirt with someone near so she can feel it..she has to learn, and you need to really care for each others emotions:o

[Mr Carson]

Her flirtatiousness has been going on for two and a half decades and now you have a problem with it? What has changed recently? For her, this is a case of whiplash.

 

 

 

I did address this, yes I did change and now it bothers me. I know this is not fair but it's how I feel. Also I have brought it up many times in the last 25 years I just choose to let her gaslighting go, my mistake maybe.

 

 

 

 

Maybe ask her if she is trying to make you jealous in those situations?

Ask her if something you are doing or saying is making her frustrated/jealous?

 

But maybe she is not aware of it, or in denial, in such case i think you have to turn your back on her in those situations or flirt with someone near so she can feel it..she has to learn, and you need to really care for each others emotions:o

 

 

I don't work with any women only one older one, and she'd be nuts to be jealous of her. I'm very careful not to flirt to much but I do flirt too, and she's definitely jealous, more then I am.

[jen1447]

If I have to find a way to allow her be herself, does she not owe me an HONEST answer? will someone please (jen) answer that!

 

Or, I just do what I’ve done for the last 25 years…nothing and live with it, even if it’s hurting me now. But I have a feeling you ladies that are ok with it (I know most aren't) don’t gaslight your SO?

Gonna take a pass on that sorry, I don't think most people are ready for the truth yet.

 

btw you're being a bit overzealous w/the gaslighting stuff imo ....telling a lie or misleading someone isn't gaslighting, it's when a pattern of abusive misinformation intended to brainwash the victim takes place over a significant amount of time, and with the intent generally being some sort of devious personal control or manipulation.

[Noideanow]

I did address this, yes I did change and now it bothers me. I know this is not fair but it's how I feel. Also I have brought it up many times in the last 25 years I just choose to let her gaslighting go, my mistake maybe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't work with any women only one older one, and she'd be nuts to be jealous of her. I'm very careful not to flirt to much but I do flirt too, and she's definitely jealous, more then I am.

there i think you have your answer she is trying to make you feel those feelings of jealousy too, and as you can be jealous of the older men we women also know no age when it comes to that, a human being is a human being no matter how ugly he or she is and no matter how ugly or beautiful we are:)

[autumnnight]

I know the term gaslighting is a favorite on forums, but the above post is the first time you have used it, OP.

 

In order for something to actually BE gaslighting, there has to be an intentional attempt to deceive. Be certain she is INTENTIONALLY deceiving you, not just sadly oblivious. Regardless of what any BS may tell you based on their own triggers, only YOU know if she has been intentionally lying to you and trying to make you crazy for 25 years.

[Mr Carson]

Gonna take a pass on that sorry, I don't think most people are ready for the truth yet.

 

btw you're being a bit overzealous w/the gaslighting stuff imo ....telling a lie or misleading someone isn't gaslighting, it's when a pattern of abusive misinformation intended to brainwash the victim takes place over a significant amount of time, and with the intent generally being some sort of devious personal control or manipulation.

 

I know the term gaslighting is a favorite on forums, but the above post is the first time you have used it, OP.

 

In order for something to actually BE gaslighting, there has to be an intentional attempt to deceive. Be certain she is INTENTIONALLY deceiving you, not just sadly oblivious. Regardless of what any BS may tell you based on their own triggers, only YOU know if she has been intentionally lying to you and trying to make you crazy for 25 years.

 

Yes, maybe I misused the term. I really don't think her intent was or is to drive me crazy. She's just not willing to admit what she's doing. I must say I am evolving on this subject though, and maybe my thought process is skewed in my 50 yo male mind. I do know absolutely that she loves me and maybe I need to focus more on that.

[WasOtherWoman]

I think there is something else maybe slightly amiss here, because it really should not be a big deal for her to temper the things she says. In my humble opinion, the kitty stroking thing.... way out of bounds to be said in polite company. This really borders on trashy, which I am sure she is not, but it certainly can make her sound so.

 

I have a friend like this, she in no way would act on the things she says, but men occasionally make remarks to her and she is absolutely outraged about it.

I had to point out to her that she creates this environment in that men feel it is appropriate to talk this way to her.

 

She really needs to be willing to modify her behavior. Speaking this way it NOT a necessary part of someone's personality. AND, depending up on her age, NOT attractive, despite how attractive she actually is.

 

I am sorry you are going through this, but this should be something she is totally willing to stop.

 

 

Edited: we are in your same age group. I can only imagine the looks on folks' faces when she says things like this. I am not a huge fan of counseling, but if you cannot come to an agreement here, that may be a good idea?

Edited June 12, 2015 by WasOtherWoman
added paragraph

[autumnnight]

She really needs to be willing to modify her behavior. Speaking this way it NOT a necessary part of someone's personality. AND, depending up on her age, NOT attractive, despite how attractive she actually is.

 

I am sorry you are going through this, but this should be something she is totally willing to stop.

 

This is excellent, and WOW didn't have to call her names to make this point. Because this is what it boils down to. Asking her to stop making "kitty" type remarks is not stifling her personality; it's increasing her social awareness and respectfulness.

[Mr Carson]

I think there is something else maybe slightly amiss here, because it really should not be a big deal for her to temper the things she says. In my humble opinion, the kitty stroking thing.... way out of bounds to be said in polite company. This really borders on trashy, which I am sure she is not, but it certainly can make her sound so.

 

I have a friend like this, she in no way would act on the things she says, but men occasionally make remarks to her and she is absolutely outraged about it.

I had to point out to her that she creates this environment in that men feel it is appropriate to talk this way to her.

 

She really needs to be willing to modify her behavior. Speaking this way it NOT a necessary part of someone's personality. AND, depending up on her age, NOT attractive, despite how attractive she actually is.

 

I am sorry you are going through this, but this should be something she is totally willing to stop.

 

 

Edited: we are in your same age group. I can only imagine the looks on folks' faces when she says things like this. I am not a huge fan of counseling, but if you cannot come to an agreement here, that may be a good idea?

 

This is excellent, and WOW didn't have to call her names to make this point. Because this is what it boils down to. Asking her to stop making "kitty" type remarks is not stifling her personality; it's increasing her social awareness and respectfulness.

 

she undoubtedly has a blind spot sometimes in social settings and has raised an eyebrow or ten. I'm also sure she's had a wife or two wanting to lynch her.

 

Some of my closest friends wives won't come around much, I know they just can't stand her.

 

But she's not all evil once we were in a very nice restaurant and an older couple was sitting next to us. They were sharing a dinner and not because they weren't hungry I don't think? They were dressed very humbly shall I say. My wife herd them say it was their anniversary, she didn't even ask me she just told our waitress were paying for their dinner, please don't tell them and give them each a dessert of their choice. So she does have some redeeming qualities

 

Thanks autumn, you've been in her corner form the start of this thread, not demonizing or agreeing just being fair