Clay Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I think you should sit her down in a calm setting and try to tell her these things are really bothering you. Its best not to say things that you know could provoke a argument. I do agree with the other poster about her being willing to change her behavior. The best way your going to be able to do that is to find a way to relate your feelings to her in a way she will understand. Might even consider taking her out to diner and showing her how special she is to help soften the chances of turning this into a fight. The comment you made about the pets seems very disrespectful to me and I can't imagine how anyone would think that is OK in a marriage but I guess some people do allow it. Hopefully you can reach her and work this out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I don't know if you have seen the movie The Help, but the blond woman who all the other women hate.....she wasn't REALLY trashy or anything. She was clueless and ditzy. Now, I know that is just a movie, but some women are like that...or become like that. I was raised in a very strict box. I had no concept of what flirting even was. I was a clone, basically. I married an introvert who was very nice but, while he could laugh at Monty Python, flirting went completely over his head - even mine. As I got away from my parents' constant control (partly thanks to him) and began being more outgoing and comfortable, I would sometimes make a remark that seemed really fun in my head but sounded just awful out loud. Once my marriage died/ended, and I had to relearn certain social things, I had to find the balance between stick in the mud and "talks like a hussy." I'm an extrovert by nature, and I LOVE making people laugh, so it was a pendulum for awhile. You may have to agree on some sort of "code gesture" or something (like a hand on the back or a neutral remark) for you to use when she goes off the rails so she can learn the triggers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Carson Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 ^ That's not manning up, it's being a little b*tch. For jen https://youtu.be/lRqoIHZpWUU?t=53s Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Carson Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 It was a good weekend we had a very good talk about a lot of things, my wife had a few drinks and we always laugh about how alcohol is truth serum for her. She did admit she enjoys flirting and has always appreciated that even though she knew I didn’t always like the fact, I let her be the person she is. She agreed to not push the over the top stuff but in most cases she had a reason for it, in her mind anyway, like in the ‘’stroke my kitty case’’ Unbeknownst to me the man she said that to is a serial cheater and was aggressively pursuing her. I didn’t know the guy well but apparently he cheats and his wife blames THOSE WHORES that chase her husband. After many texts that he sent my wife trying to get her to hookup and her telling him to piss off, she went to his wife who blamed her for his actions. So the stroke my kitty was and in your face move by my wife, in retrospect she admits it was not the best way to handle it she was just mad! She didn’t tell me because she was afraid I would go Pit Bull on the guy and her fears were probably justified, she knows me well. She told me she is still in love with me not just I love you but in love and that her love goes way beyond my looks. She also reminded me that she doesn’t need me because of money, she has a very good job and makes almost as much as I do, so if she wanted out she could certainly make it on her own. I do believe her and feel much better and it does work in my favor to be the confident easygoing men I’ve always been and trust her and let her be the woman she’s always been, confidence and trust being key! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 It was a good weekend we had a very good talk about a lot of things, my wife had a few drinks and we always laugh about how alcohol is truth serum for her. She did admit she enjoys flirting and has always appreciated that even though she knew I didn’t always like the fact, I let her be the person she is. She agreed to not push the over the top stuff but in most cases she had a reason for it, in her mind anyway, like in the ‘’stroke my kitty case’’ Unbeknownst to me the man she said that to is a serial cheater and was aggressively pursuing her. I didn’t know the guy well but apparently he cheats and his wife blames THOSE WHORES that chase her husband. After many texts that he sent my wife trying to get her to hookup and her telling him to piss off, she went to his wife who blamed her for his actions. So the stroke my kitty was and in your face move by my wife, in retrospect she admits it was not the best way to handle it she was just mad! She didn’t tell me because she was afraid I would go Pit Bull on the guy and her fears were probably justified, she knows me well. She told me she is still in love with me not just I love you but in love and that her love goes way beyond my looks. She also reminded me that she doesn’t need me because of money, she has a very good job and makes almost as much as I do, so if she wanted out she could certainly make it on her own. I do believe her and feel much better and it does work in my favor to be the confident easygoing men I’ve always been and trust her and let her be the woman she’s always been, confidence and trust being key! I'm glad you feel better due to her affirming her love for you and explicitly laying out the fact that she's with you bc she wants to be, not bc she needs you financially or otherwise. Others may disagree with your wife's "in your face" tactic, but I liked that she tossed it out there after trying to warn/educate the man's wife and got accused of being the "at fault" person. Funny how sometimes things are nothing like they appear . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Carson Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 I'm glad you feel better due to her affirming her love for you and explicitly laying out the fact that she's with you bc she wants to be, not bc she needs you financially or otherwise. Others may disagree with your wife's "in your face" tactic, but I liked that she tossed it out there after trying to warn/educate the man's wife and got accused of being the "at fault" person. Funny how sometimes things are nothing like they appear . Yeah, she's never been one to care much how other people think of her, I like to keep things easy but she has no problem ruffling feathers...lol I guess in someways she has bigger balls that I do. She also told me how one of my friends told his wife ''why don't you dress more like Mrs Carson'' in front of her That's one of the wives that's made it very clear she doesn't like my wife, that's not my wife's problem. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Yeah, she's never been one to care much how other people think of her, I like to keep things easy but she has no problem ruffling feathers...lol I guess in someways she has bigger balls that I do. She also told me how one of my friends told his wife ''why don't you dress more like Mrs Carson'' in front of her That's one of the wives that's made it very clear she doesn't like my wife, that's not my wife's problem. Women can be brutal. I have always said, there is no meaner creature on earth than a mean woman. And when you get a whole pack of 'em....yikes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I did address this, yes I did change and now it bothers me. I know this is not fair but it's how I feel. the question remains WHY you changed. Its so easy to ask another to adjust to your insecurities (i find it interesting you mention a 'maybe' A even thou you could find no proof) and/or fears. So you start with 'knock off the flirting'. But it does not end there. Next maybe the way she dresses or.... you need to do some serious self-reflecting, then and only then can a solution be had. otherwise you will be doomed to constantly warding off symptoms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Carson Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 the question remains WHY you changed. Its so easy to ask another to adjust to your insecurities (i find it interesting you mention a 'maybe' A even thou you could find no proof) and/or fears. So you start with 'knock off the flirting'. But it does not end there. Next maybe the way she dresses or.... you need to do some serious self-reflecting, then and only then can a solution be had. otherwise you will be doomed to constantly warding off symptoms. beatcuff Your spot on, it was my feelings and I put them out for her to see. I was nearing 50 and balding, I looked in the mirror and suddenly saw an old man, and didn't like what I saw. I didn't go into depth about this but it's one of the things I mentioned ''her love goes way beyond my looks'' Some grow old gracefully some go kicking and screaming I'm adjusting the best I can. But just having the talk was a quantum leap of me and at this time I really feel good, not to say that I won't have to keep an eye on my feelings, I know I'm a work in progress. Link to post Share on other sites
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