RedButton Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 So thought I would make a new thread, although I spoke about this a little in another one, this feels like a major development. tl:dr version Broke up 6+ months ago. No contact since then. She's now moved into an apartment on my street and I broke contact when bumping into her on the street. I'm feeling really bizarre about having her back in my life so closely now. Full version for those so inclined to read it: Some background: She broke up with me late last year, there has been no contact whatsoever since the breakup (6 months +). It was an very civil breakup, I could see things weren't working, and it was just incompatibility as far as I could tell. I wasn't angry with her, but was very heartbroken for a long time. She was my first love, although it wasn't a very long relationship we got very close. Since then I met another wonderful girl, unfortunately that relationship was short lived as she had to move away three months into our dating. I am still in touch, but we aren't really 'together'. Fast forward to a month or so ago: I noticed I've seen my ex girlfriend near my home a lot recently. Until last weekend I just ignored her, and she was either ignoring me too, or didn't see me (entirely possible). On the weekend heading home I saw her again, and realised that I'm seeing her twice a week at least, I needed to confront this because I can't go on playing this game of hide and seek. I also just felt horrible pretending she didn't exist. I decided I would go and speak to her today (I was in a good mood, and well dressed and looking good I thought, so I felt confident). She smiled when she saw me, we chatted for a while. I found out she's moved in with her friend in the area, and now literally lives around the corner from me. She apologized for not getting in touch before moving so close by, I said it was a bit jarring but it's nice to see her. We kept it light, I only mentioned that I was also sorry for not being in touch for so long, but figured I should let her have her space/decide when she wanted to. She ended up taking my number again and saying we should catch up for a coffee (whether that is legitimate or just out of politeness I'm not sure yet). Immediately afterwards I felt fine, glad to know why I'd been seeing her so much around my area and that I didn't have to 'avoid' her anymore. In the days since though, she's been dominating my thoughts again. I'm not depressed or miserable like I was after the breakup, but just that she's on my mind so much and I feel really strange that she's so close by after not having seen her for so long. I'm worried I'm getting feelings rushing back after having just said goodbye to my recent interest and having her pop back up immediately afterwards. Is this normal? Any advice on what I should do? Link to post Share on other sites
forumman83 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 sounds like it brought back a lot of old thoughts and feelings. understandable. from the outside looking in, I would strongly suggest that you don't do anything rash and start pursuing her. you need to make sure that you're emotionally strong and "over" her if you actually wanted to try things again. it sounds like you are not. i feel that if you were to meet up with her for coffee soon, your desperation and weakness would shine through and it would repulse her. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Personally, I wouldn't do anything and go on living like you didn't have this chat. Nothing changed. Your relationship didn't work the first time and it's doubtful it would again. This site illustrates that reconciliations are usually a flat failure. Any relationship that I've been in that included at least one break up never worked and ended. That's well over 5 at least. This is a "new development" and you're posting this information here cause you have no one else in your life right now. So, it's absolutely normal to feel the way you are. If you provided your digits to her if she was being polite, then leave it at that. I wouldn't contact her again. If she reaches out to meet for coffee and you feel you could handle it, then why not. Just understand it could put you back at day one of the pain and suffering if she only wanted to visit and didn't have any ideas of dating again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedButton Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 Thanks for the feedback guys! I do appreciate it. I'm actually ahead of you and not entertaining the idea of dating anyway. Partly because I know we broke up for a reason, and more importantly because I will be moving away before the end of the year, so I don't want to get involved in a serious relationship before then. I am trying to go on living like it was before we broke no contact, as I said I'm more just concerned about how she's been on my mind recently. I hope it's just the rush from seeing someone I haven't seen for so long (mixed with saying goodbye to another girl just recently). It's just a very strange sensation to have them living so close by after so long of not seeing or hearing from them at all. One positive thing to come from this is that her friend who's now sharing an apartment with her. I don't have romantic interest in her (she has a boyfriend who I was friends with also), but they were a genuinely really nice couple that I unfortunately lost contact with after the breakup. Would be good to catch up with them again too. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I am trying to go on living like it was before we broke no contact, as I said I'm more just concerned about how she's been on my mind recently. This is what you need to do. Again, it's perfectly normal for your mind to drift back to your last serious relationship when you're single and not actively involved with anyone. Everyone does this. My last ex and I ended 2 years ago. I've been dating my new GF for 20 months now. It's settled into a nice, comfortable, loving, nurturing relationship that I'm very grateful for. Now, do I occasionally think about my last ex. Yes! Usually a song on the radio or a TV show or something. There's a couple things I miss about her but I'd NEVER date her again. I already bought that ground. My point is I don't think we ever stop thinking about an ex that was important to us until many years pass by. There's other girls I've dated in the last few years that I still think about as well. It's normal. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I would just carry on as if the encounter never happened. I think this is why people on this site advocate not going out of your way to speak to an ex unless you are just completely indifferent and don't care in any way. What happens is that people always over analyze what happened, and it brings back a lot of memories. Really, all you need to do is be polite if the circumstances require that you must acknowledge her. No one needs to do anymore than that because it opens up a can of worms, and speaking to the person is usually about satisfying curiosity or trying to get back into their lives. Take note that she never went out of her way to speak to you at any point, so I think that says it all. Leave the past where it belongs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedButton Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 I would just carry on as if the encounter never happened. I think this is why people on this site advocate not going out of your way to speak to an ex unless you are just completely indifferent and don't care in any way. What happens is that people always over analyze what happened, and it brings back a lot of memories. Really, all you need to do is be polite if the circumstances require that you must acknowledge her. No one needs to do anymore than that because it opens up a can of worms, and speaking to the person is usually about satisfying curiosity or trying to get back into their lives. Take note that she never went out of her way to speak to you at any point, so I think that says it all. Leave the past where it belongs. Hmm, I know it wasn't your intention, but that actually upset me. Now I'm wondering if there's a reason she didn't go out of her way to say hello... Then again, I didn't either, so she has her reasons just like I do. For all I know she feels awkward or upset around me too. Either way, the last couple of days since I've been feeling much better about it. Our work schedule doesn't line up most of the time, so if I do see her it'll be limited to weekends or the odd weeknight. I don't mind just walking by and saying hello or just giving quick pleasantries every now and then. I'm still glad I approached her, it's ridiculous since we're neighbours now, and I'm pretty sure she was going to say hello anyway when she saw me on the weekend, we both approached each-other. It's still odd and will take me some time to get used to this situation, but I don't think it's going to be too bad a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Hmm, I know it wasn't your intention, but that actually upset me. Now I'm wondering if there's a reason she didn't go out of her way to say hello... Then again, I didn't either, so she has her reasons just like I do. For all I know she feels awkward or upset around me too. It's understandable to be upset. Actually, when I would miss my ex, I would remind myself that he didn't make any moves to reach out to me. As much as it hurt to think about that, it eventually made me move on. Because after awhile, you accept that you are not a priority for this person anymore. They don't care if you are in their life either way. They could take you or leave you. It's very hurtful when you are still working your way through the breakup. One day, you won't care anymore, and you will be able to say HI to her and not make a thread about it. That will be a good day Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedButton Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 ^Oh no, I didn't mean like sad as in they don't want to get back together, I was just worried that I had upset her or that she was angry with me and didn't want to contact me. She's a lovely girl and I have no ill-will towards her, I'd hate to think that I'd done something wrong without realising it. Having said that, I really doubt that's the case and it was a knee-jerk reaction and me blaming myself for nothing. I was just thinking "maybe she's upset with me and has been trying to avoid me?" I think it's just a case of we both knew we needed space and time and probably both didn't want to be the first to reach out. I'm feeling better about the situation now anyway, last couple of days have been good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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