I don't even know where to begin

[Sunshine09]

I have been reading the forums for awhile and finally got up the courage to post my own story in hopes that anyone could relate or give me any advice on how to proceed/cope with everything that has gone on.

 

I apologize for the novel I am about to write. I have been off-again on-again with my current ex boyfriend for around a year and a half now. Things have always been kind of rocky but I really did love him with everything I had. Some background, he has issues with anger and he also likes to drink a lot and occasionally do drugs. This just makes his anger issues a lot worse and because of these things we have had a lot of things happen, and he has been very emotionally abusive at times. Unfortunately I agreed last December to sign into a one year lease with him. This past March he had left for a month after an arguement. I had then decided to cut my losses and move in with my friend. We did not really talk for the month except to try and sort the lease situation out.

 

When I moved in with my friend. He proceeded to break down to me and beg and plead with me to give him another chance and that he had seen the error in his ways and wanted to change because he "couldnt live without me" How he was not going to drink and do drugs yadda yadda.

 

In hind sight I guess I should have just remained no contact and not started talking to him again but I did and ended up moving back to the apartment we had shared, also because we were unable to find anyone to take over the lease and legal issues were a possibility.

 

Anyways fast forward to today. I am now in the process of again having to move back out and hoping that the company does not decide to take me to court for breaking the lease early. When I had moved back in, my ex boyfriend was actually making an effort to change and things were actually going pretty good for once. That all changed about 3 weeks ago when his brother suddenly died unexpectedly. I tried my best despite everything that had gone on in the past to be there for him but he felt that it wasn't enough and that I wasn't doing enough. He has decided to resort back to drowning his emotions in alcohol and this time doing drugs . Unfortunately I am not a strong enough person to just sit there and be able to watch him destroy himself and be okay with it. Because I would not stay out until the early hours of the night with him to do drugs and drink, I am apparently "selfish" and was not there for him when he needed me to be. I put a lot aside and went to the funeral and everything with him and his family, who have not been nice to me at all. I tried my very best and I feel so awful about what happened. I wish I could take his pain away but I do not feel like it is fair that I am being treated badly because he lost someone. He has been toying with my emotions for the past few weeks and I have been taking it because I know he is going through something awful. But the other day I witnessed him telling someone how I meant nothing but he'd still "have sex" with me because I had a nice body. He has also told people that I am crazy and a bitch multiple times throughout our relationship.It really hurts a lot considering everything that has happened and how hard I have tried to hear this. Any time we have tried to talk if I say anything he instantly accuses me of trying to fight and that he doesn't have time to deal with any of this as he has more important **** to deal with and I shouldn't be so selfish. He has basically told me to never speak to him again but then he texts me sometimes? At this point I really don't know what to do because I can't handle the way he treats me anymore and it hurts way too much. I just do not want to ever speak to him again but I am struggling with this because I do love him and I do worry and hope that he is okay and don't want to come across as a bitch who doesn't care about what happened to his brother.

 

So if anyone has been through anything similar or has any advice, I would really appreciate it. I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around it all. I know that grief causes massive changes in people but I just cant understand how it makes you want to treat people badly

[rici71]

My heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you are going through. I went through something very similar. Unfortunately its not the grief that is making him want to treat you badly... he has been doing it all along. He isn't going to change. You need to cut him off completely. Cut all communication. He will only come back begging you to forgive him again and again and again. And each time you will feel obliged to do so. And you will probably lose a piece of yourself in the process. Any body who cares about you will understand why you are doing this and will not think of you as a bitch. If his family haven't been nice to you even though you have been there to support him... and them also... then they dont deserve you either and their opinions shouldnt matter. You deserve to be treated properly. You deserve someone who will tell his friends he is with you because you are an amazing person and because he loves you - not that he is sticking around for sex because you have a nice body. It won't be easy. Especially since you do love him. But you need to do what is best for you...

 

I wish you all the best xxx

 

*hugs*

[d0nnivain]

Move out. Stop talking to him. Go to a local Al-anon or Narc-anon meeting. They are groups for people who love drug & alcohol abusers. They will help you stay strong. You are certainly not selfish for refusing to participate in his self destruction.

[courtneykay]

Your situation sounds just like mine two years ago. My ex was into drugs and alcohol and was absolutely horrible to me. He had the worst temper and was emotionally abusive and I would even say physically abusive as well. (He would punch holes in walls, start driving 30 miles over the speed limit with me in the car, and etc.) I heard very similar things from him. I was "crazy," a "bitch," "psycho," just for trying to communicate with him and try to make our relationship work. I was told I was being selfish so much. But I wasn't, and neither are you. He is being emotionally manipulative and trying to turn all the arguments on you. Instead of owning up to his mistakes and flaws he wants to make it seem like you're the crazy one, you're the one who is being selfish. You need to pack up and run before this gets any farther. Guys like that are dangerous and they will never change. Do not worry about your lease right now, you will find a way to work it out. I am mostly concerned for your well being and how you are emotionally holding up, because it sounds like he was a very emotionally and verbally abusive person. Do not give him another chance if he reconciles, block his number, and get some help. I thought about going to AA or other support groups, but it wasn't for me. Instead I found a website similar to this one that was specifically for those who have been affected by loving someone with a bad drug or alcohol habit. Please know this will get better. I told myself that my ex was treating me badly but I "loved" him and didn't think I would have another relationship like the one we shared. A few months after the break up and healing, I met the kindest, most supportive and loving man. You deserve better and you need to get out before this gets even worse.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Sunshine,

 

Welcome to the LS LDR forum.

 

I guess you're not LD with him now, are you?

 

I have not gone through your situation, but I sense that your approach with him was wrong. You shouldn't support a heavy drinking habit and him doing drugs. It's like you're just witnessing his self-distruction and being accomodating. He was not prompted nor motivated to change to a healthier lifestyle.

 

What would come next? He'd be dragging you to the lowest place possible, making you even more miserable than you've already been. And he doesn't even love you, no matter what he's going to say to you. And at this point, forcing him to change or doing anything would be risky for you. Sometimes things get out of hand, he gets violent and she gets killed. No kidding.

 

Just leave the toxic relationship and don't look back. Stop any contact-