LDR broke up with me 1 week ago today

[CapnNotSoObvious]

My ex and I had met back in December 2014 started "dating" in late January 2015. She said she wants to move away be her own woman and have a life with me. She lives about 1,400 miles away in another state. Anyway, wasn't long after we started dating in January, 2015 she confessed she was in a "love triangle" with a woman/man. She ended it with them and cut them off. My ex became a Christian during our relationship so I forgave her for her past. Still in the honeymoon stage from January to mid-March, 2015. I'll rewind - Feb, 2015, I saw some red flags. She told me she was a jealous/needy person that this LDR would be tough but we can do it. She talked about marriage/kids. I felt thing were a little too fast. She'd say, "I'm 30, I'm ready to start a family if I am going to move in the next yr I will be doing it to get married/start a family w/ you." It was nothing but texting, phone calls, long e-mails every day both of us telling each other, "I love you." Wooing each other every day. March we had our first big fight. She mentioned an ex of hers that his name was on the title of her 2013 car and that she also shared a mortgage with him, they were engaged broke up spring of 2014. She admitted she dated rebound from July, 2014 until January, 2015 3 wks before me. I admitted to her I was married and for 9 yrs but we haven't been together since just not divorced legally. Fast fwd to 2015 mid March, we had our first big fight. She wanted to share her Facebook. I accepted.

 

When I looked at her pics I noticed some of the rebound guy. I threatened to walk away. She begged and cried on the phone, left a vmail saying she forgotten about them. Then she left a 2 min vmail crying saying that the guy she rebounded with just used her for sex. Her: You're ignoring my calls. He was a jerk! Its not about looks!" I wanted to end it. I told her all we do is text she left another vmail crying, "I know this is an LDR. I know it's mostly texting right now. I know it's going to be hard. I don't care if I'm dating the hottest man in the world, I don't fn care I've been with good looking men, dated them all the ones I've been with are a-hole! We were just friends he would tell me I would need implants and ask me to go exclusive. He just wanted to **** me! Like everyone else I've been on a date with in the past 6 months! Everybody wants a f buddy! That's it! They don't want a relationship, they don't want long term, they don't want commitment! They don't want to treat anybody the way they deserve to be treated!" The irony in this? I joked said she would use me for sex and dump me too made a smart ass remark maybe you like being a f buddy. Again, didn't bite my tongue.

After that we prayed I decided to keep her. Problem was that I never truly forgave her for everything. I would say, "I'm rebound no. 2" She would be mad denying it. April around my bday, I flew down to visit for the 1st time spend a few days with her. The visit was great. We never fought did not argue, like we were two different people but still the same, does that make sense? We made passionate love. My bday was the most romantic ever, went to the ocean, she slipped a card that she had kept hidden and we held hands walked along the beach, kissed near the ocean took me out to dinner, bought me a ice cream cake. Had amazing sex.

Flight back home I arrived @ airport for my connecting flight, my phone blew up with 20 txts how much she loves me and is sad misses me and has high hopes for us.

 

In our relationship I blamed the distance. She said to be patient w/ her and that by this time (summer, 2016) we would be together she would move up but that she has to finish school this fall. She said she put up barriers b/c I was pushing her away. May came and this is where everything came crashing down. I got laid off at my job she got hired at a much higher paying job to work remotely (yay for our future right?)

2nd visit scheduled after Mother's Day. On Mother's Day, I was a total jerk to her. I am not sure why I acted the way I did but upset her and ruined her day she said "I have to keep defending myself. I would have preferred a Happy Mother's Day instead." That week was LC I needed alone time told her that I space to think. Next night a family member of hers died. She had to travel for funeral said she would return the same night that I would be @ her home. We were excited. 2nd visit went good not like the first one. (haven't mentioned but her and I both have kids...) so during my 2nd visit w/ her we threw a bday party for her son it went great bad weather and my flight got delayed so I got to spend extra time w/ her. Her mom asked me to fix their tablet. I snooped went through my ex's e-mail saw an e-mail from the guy she was engaged to the one she broke up w/ over a year ago he could not handle her son.

 

The e-mail was dated before our 1st visit together and it was marked read. She said she didn't reply to it. She laughed said she wasn't mad asked if I found anything upsetting? I said why keep it if it doesn't mean anything? This led to a fight but not until I got back home after my flight so the next day she texted angrily at me for not trusting in her and that's why I went through her e-mail. Weekend after Memorial Day I was sick. I take meds for my back and I have mentioned to her that I think it gives me mood swings it's a tryllic med. I would say things/not remember. This time I blew up about a website. I had no idea what it was. I don't social network. I saw a man's name on the pin and flipped out she said "calm down that's someone else's pin." I got mad, said I was going back to bed, I was sick. So we didn't talk on Mon and a Tues last wk. She wasn't answering my texts and calls during this period.

 

Last Weds she sent a txt "Your insecurities, we probably shouldn't have agreed to do this. We kind of burned ourselves by doing so. I think we should seriously consider ending this LDR." I begged, pleaded how much I loved her give me a chance. She texted "Maybe we just aren't right w/ each other and that's OK. Just right now is not the time for us. God told me now is not the time, too. I told myself I would never allow myself to get emotionally hurt again that's what I've done. I have to stay true to myself. I will always love you, we can be friends." That Weds, she again ignored my texts/calls. I left her a vmail upset asking if our relationship was over. She calls me late that night says she was busy. She never says that. We talked for a few min. I asked if she was breaking up with me after a very long pause she says, "Yes." I asked she felt this way? She said, "Mother's Day I started to question us." I told her I couldn't be friends = that I had more dignity/self-respect to be strung along. She said, "I understand." I asked, so we're through? She hesitated answered softly, "Yes." I begged saying I'd change. She said, "You've been telling me that. I told you, I'm tired of defending myself." I cried told her I loved her she said blankly, "Love ya too." I hung up. Of course (palm over face) I blew up her phone with 30 txts next day promising change that I gave her so many chances. Doesn't matter.

She replied a few times over the next 2 days. Then she sent a couple txts last weekend.

 

I sent her a letter that my old man told me don't send it! After I had already e-mailed it and he said, "That was stupid!" I don't know if my ex read it, I really don't care. It was a letter me respecting her decision that I was going to move on, got no reply from her. Should I start NC with her given that sort of indicated she wants me in her life by asking to be friends? I know she is mad about me not working, need to go back to school, etc. I loved this woman more than any other woman I have ever been with and I have been in longer relationships. This wasn't my first LDR. I miss her so much and feel awful like all hope is lost that I can't win. I have been studying for school, joined a church going to bible study today, job interview today, school today. My last text to her was that I took her suggestion finding a bible study partner. My ex hasn't responded since this Monday which was her bday. I wished her happy b-day (foul) b/c she had just broken up with me a wk before I said happy birthday b/c she was so mad how Mother's Day went again no reply.

 

I accidentally dialed her freaking number while I was listening to those old vmails typing a transcript for you guys here! Now I have to reset the NC. Is this my only shot at this point? I bought some get your ex back materials both are helpful on women and the female psychology. Both say NC ASAP. Questions like, have you begged, cried, text bombed her, vmail bombed her and she is ignoring you? Now you need to ignore her. Focus on you, focus on improving and allow time to yourself for YOU. I am planning on perhaps a 45 day NC period. I've got a job interview through a friend and I got the job she said. I am going to take up activities. Maybe even date/hang out with other women to help ease the pain.

 

I get sad sometimes I tell myself, "No! Me, me, me!" This is about me. Not her. I'm the one that got away! I am angry with how this thing went down. It is over he said she said stuff but when we're together in person we're 50x better than that. We were great together in person and it seems she has forgotten that or she does a great job hiding it what other kind of plan should I formulate to get her to realize she made a mistake? If we continued the relationship, we would close the mileage gap by June/July of next year that has always been the plan. My tongue/negativity killed our relationship. So here's my 45 day plan and 10 things I need to fix: work, school, church, lose weight, quit smoking, eliminate tryllic medication due to mood swings, get some dental work done, divorce my ex, work on my attitude/how I speak, bring back the smile I had lost as we stopped smiling/laughing along the way. The heck do I do now? Poof be gone? Delete myself from her life so she comes crawling back to me? Or do I update her on all the new changes that are rapidly happening? ANY feedback would be helpful at this point. I feel like I sometimes let my emotions get the best of me which makes me want to text or call her when I know she likely won't even respond...

[TMichaels]

Even if you and your wife aren't living together, you're still married. Also sounds like you have some anger and mental health issues you need to get under control.

 

Not surprising your LDR blew up because of that, but your woman isn't totally blameless. She bitches that all everyone she dates wants is sex, yet jumps in the sack with you on your first meeting. Pot, kettle, black, don't you think?

 

Frankly, the two of you sound like train wrecks. Maybe that's part of the attraction -- like attracts like. Usually that combo makes for lots of drama, but rarely is healthy and works out.

 

Get yourself straightened out -- not for *her* -- but for your own sake. Until you do, you're a danger to yourself and everyone else you try and strike up a relationship with.

 

Leave her alone and focus on you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[CapnNotSoObvious]

Even if you and your wife aren't living together, you're still married. Also sounds like you have some anger and mental health issues you need to get under control.

 

Not surprising your LDR blew up because of that, but your woman isn't totally blameless. She bitches that all everyone she dates wants is sex, yet jumps in the sack with you on your first meeting. Pot, kettle, black, don't you think?

 

Frankly, the two of you sound like train wrecks. Maybe that's part of the attraction -- like attracts like. Usually that combo makes for lots of drama, but rarely is healthy and works out.

 

Get yourself straightened out -- not for *her* -- but for your own sake. Until you do, you're a danger to yourself and everyone else you try and strike up a relationship with.

 

Leave her alone and focus on you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

That's good advice. Yeah, I just spoke to my son's mom and we are filing for dissolution of marriage to put it past us. It's just not fair to whomever I am with down the road. I am focusing on work, school for my son. I basically texted my ex to let her know if she want's to burn her bridges then I need to move on as well. I don't expect her to "come back to her senses" no matter what length of time passes. I can't force her to change but I have the ability to change myself. She has cut me off and it does hurt. I ended my text telling her to call me if she decides to change her mind and that the door of reconciliation will not be open forever. Who knows? Maybe time will pass and she will then realize what she lost and by then I will have already moved onto a much brighter relationship. There's no use hanging onto someone who doesn't want you. That, I think, that painful reminder will always cloud my thoughts even if we did re-kindle the relationship. I don't believe in this NC stuff. I believe in sitting down like adults and talking it out. The NC stuff is a game however, I think I gained the upper hand leaving her telling her, "I won't put up with games, I am moving on also."

 

It's a great feeling to focus on ME instead of someone else. I also don't think it's good to leave a relationship with a bad taste in your mouth because some people (like me) have a hard time forgetting that bad taste and take it out on the new woman just like I did here which I completely see that now. I just never realized "how serious" the damage I was causing until she finally left. So, I am at least thankful that this relationship revealed my strengths, my weaknesses, and the things I DO NOT look for in a woman.

 

I am moving on to GREATER things, I am in control here. I am not going to let this destroy me, I will be stronger and better because of it and stand up for myself, taking full responsibility for my choices and actions knowing full well I can't change them but now have the awareness not to make those same mistakes again with someone else. This thread warrants no further replies.

Edited June 11, 2015 by CapnNotSoObvious

[GoBlue]

I am sorry that you are in pain right now but all of this is for the best. Long distance relationships are always filled with potholes even in the best of relationships. Why in the world would you not be honest about the divorce thing right up front? No woman will respond well to that. You asked a question, "do I update her on all the changes that are rapidly happening?" Read that out-loud to yourself - now answer your own question. People who want to tell everyone how much they have changed, usually in a short amount of time, are actually validating the fact that they haven't really changed at all. True change doesn't have to be announced, it becomes evident to all. I applaud your desire to get involved in a Bible-Study, but don't fool yourself, you can't use God simply to get what you want. He doesn't cooperate with those schemes. If it is a Christ-like study, however, you should be able to share with others the heartache you have gone through and they will support you. Could be a very big help. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[justwhoiam]

Hi,

 

Unfortunately, I have the impression that she was ready to put up with you as long as you were a "catch". The moment you lost your job, you stopped being that.

[HeavenOrHell]

>I don't believe in this NC stuff. I believe in sitting down like adults and talking it out. The NC stuff is a game however, I think I gained the upper hand leaving her telling her, "I won't put up with games, I am moving on also."<

 

NC isn't a game, well maybe it is for some people, but that isn't why it should be done, no contact is for people who need to move on and forget their ex, staying in contact means it takes longer to let go and move on.

 

You sound like a game player anyway though if you feel happy you 'gained the upper hand'.

 

Forget r/ships and work on yourself.

[okc85]

Ugh..

 

Maybe I'm weird, but why does it matter if she talks to her ex? That doesn't necessarily mean she even wants him anymore. Do we just have to banish exes from our lives forever? Or maybe you could try to be more secure and not assume she's cheating on you just because she READ a message..

 

And yeah, NC is not a game, it's for you to heal and move on.