First relationship after divorce had ended

[Amas5750]

I am 29 years old. I do not have children.

 

Well my 5 year marriage ended in *January this year. Mostly because he wasn't prioritising me and I think he fell out of love with me. I was utterly distraught and cried for 2 months every day.*

 

Then in April this year a man came into my life. This man saw I was hurt and promised he wouldn't hurt me. He is still going through a divorce and splitting assets etc. he has a child.*

This man sent flowers to my work, *picked me up for dates, called me every morning on my way to work.*

He said he wanted to "do things right with me" and told me I was everything he wanted in a woman.*

He said he could see a future with me and see himself married to md one day. He said he could see children with me and the daughter would even have curly hair like its mother.*

I was struck that he seemed to be moving quite fast without knowing me too well.*

But he was treating me right and I started to imagine a life together. After being neglected by my ex I thought maybe god was rewarding me for getting myself off the floor after my ex husband.

 

I desperately want children. I cannot live if I never become a mother.*

 

Then this man seemed to cool off a bit after about 1.5 months

 

I kept asking him about it. He said his feelings for me had not changed but he is worried about his son not coping with their recent separation ( only moved out 2 months ago),

 

He then told me over the phone that his son is REALLY not coping, crying etc alot

 

So he told me he is moving back into the family house. And therefore that wouldn't be fair on me, and therefore we have to break up.*

 

I took it gracefully.*

 

But afterwards cried pretty much for 48 hours straight.*

I was hysterically sad.*

 

Perhaps it was WAY too soon after my marriage ended.*

 

But this man seemed to dangle the "future happy families" in my face then snatch it away.

 

He was, I believe, a good guy.*

But maybe he is a bit messed up himself.*

He has recently seen a psychologist and started on antidepressants.*

 

I am such an open hearted person I would bd willing to take it all on. Or maybe I was desperate. I desperately need to be a mother and not miss out on this; this urge is controlling me at the moment.*

 

I felt extremely down in the few days after he broke up with me. I felt hopeless and definitely helpless.*

I did not want to eat or move.*

I knew I felt extremely depressed and kept thinking I have nothing to live for.*

I was googling what people think before they suicide.

I had no plans for suicide and was not planning anything; but my thoughts were that I just can't tolerate *this pain over and over.*

I was surprised no one could tough the depths of my grief. I was grieving because the happy file image was planted in my mind and swiftly revoked.

 

It's been almost a week since he broke up with me. I feel much better in the day mostly, able to distract myself. But from 4am to 7am i am awake and lying in the bed where we were physical together. Geez it's painful. Painful and scary lonely

 

I do have some excellent family and friend support and have been open with about 3 people about the depths of this.*

 

Any advice?*

[pteromom]

That really sucks that you are hurting so badly.

 

You weren't ready. He wasn't ready. Neither of you are bad people - just jumped in too soon.

 

Give yourself a little time to grieve. Spend time with close friends and family.

 

Then spend the next 6 months to a year dating at all. Just being YOU, and remembering the things that make you happy outside of being half of a relationship. Reconnect with yourself.

 

Then, when it comes time to date, keep your head about you. Do not even go on a date with a guy who is still going through a divorce. Look for men in your situation. Single, childless, and wanting to start a family. Don't waste your time with guys who are still married, or guys who are afraid to commit. Do not let loneliness and fear dictate your actions - let your GOALS dictate your actions.

 

If you are afraid of not being able to have children, have your eggs frozen. It's assurance that your young eggs are available whenever you need them.

 

You will be ok. Just one step at a time.

[loveboid]

There are studies that say depression is catching...that it's a pattern of thinking and behaving that anyone can adopt.

 

Prisoners of war who got excited to be released soon or at Christmas fared the worst. Prisoners who were realistic did better.

 

Can't get your hopes up too much. Maybe that's why this guy got your hopes up unrealistically and is on antidepressants.

 

Keep taking care of you. Exercise, eat well, sleep well, get sunshine. Babies need a healthy mom.

[Mr. Lucky]

You weren't ready. He wasn't ready. Neither of you are bad people - just jumped in too soon.

 

Seems like the first relationship after divorce is like the first credit card you get in your own name - neither are used for the intended purpose and neither usually turns out well.

 

Coming out of a long-term relationship, there are skills we have to re-learn, bad habits we have to break and fears we have to put behind us. All this happens while other things - children and custody, ex-spouses, job and lifestyle changes - compete for our attention. In short, not a recipe for success.

 

You've learned what not to do. As pteromom said, don't rush. Additionally, don't over-commit or allow unrealistic expectations to color your perceptions. You just exited what was supposed to be a relationship for life so 6 months is much to soon to start another.

 

As Aesop said, "fast and quick sets the pace but slow and steady..."

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

I am 29 years old. I do not have children.

 

Well my 5 year marriage ended in *January this year. Mostly because he wasn't prioritising me and I think he fell out of love with me. I was utterly distraught and cried for 2 months every day.*

 

Then in April this year a man came into my life. This man saw I was hurt and promised he wouldn't hurt me. He is still going through a divorce and splitting assets etc. he has a child.*

This man sent flowers to my work, *picked me up for dates, called me every morning on my way to work.*

He said he wanted to "do things right with me" and told me I was everything he wanted in a woman.*

He said he could see a future with me and see himself married to md one day. He said he could see children with me and the daughter would even have curly hair like its mother.*

I was struck that he seemed to be moving quite fast without knowing me too well.*

But he was treating me right and I started to imagine a life together. After being neglected by my ex I thought maybe god was rewarding me for getting myself off the floor after my ex husband.

 

I desperately want children. I cannot live if I never become a mother.*

 

Then this man seemed to cool off a bit after about 1.5 months

 

I kept asking him about it. He said his feelings for me had not changed but he is worried about his son not coping with their recent separation ( only moved out 2 months ago),

 

He then told me over the phone that his son is REALLY not coping, crying etc alot

 

So he told me he is moving back into the family house. And therefore that wouldn't be fair on me, and therefore we have to break up.*

 

I took it gracefully.*

 

But afterwards cried pretty much for 48 hours straight.*

I was hysterically sad.*

 

Perhaps it was WAY too soon after my marriage ended.*

 

But this man seemed to dangle the "future happy families" in my face then snatch it away.

 

He was, I believe, a good guy.*

But maybe he is a bit messed up himself.*

He has recently seen a psychologist and started on antidepressants.*

 

I am such an open hearted person I would bd willing to take it all on. Or maybe I was desperate. I desperately need to be a mother and not miss out on this; this urge is controlling me at the moment.*

 

I felt extremely down in the few days after he broke up with me. I felt hopeless and definitely helpless.*

I did not want to eat or move.*

I knew I felt extremely depressed and kept thinking I have nothing to live for.*

I was googling what people think before they suicide.

I had no plans for suicide and was not planning anything; but my thoughts were that I just can't tolerate *this pain over and over.*

I was surprised no one could tough the depths of my grief. I was grieving because the happy file image was planted in my mind and swiftly revoked.

 

It's been almost a week since he broke up with me. I feel much better in the day mostly, able to distract myself. But from 4am to 7am i am awake and lying in the bed where we were physical together. Geez it's painful. Painful and scary lonely

 

I do have some excellent family and friend support and have been open with about 3 people about the depths of this.*

 

Any advice?*

 

Man...I'm sorry. That really hurts.

 

Many years ago I had some similar experiences with men that intended to divorce but seemed to very easily go back to marriages that they complained about. Even if that M wasn't happy - the odds were that they seemed to run back quickly IF that door was open to them again...

 

I made a promise to myself not to date men that didn't have their divorce finalized.

 

The intention of divorcing is much different than actually making sure it happens.

 

I hope you heal and feel better about things.

[StalwartMind]

Be proud of yourself for wanting a relationship and children, even if the man you married fell out of love with you. Your openhearted personality is a gift, and don't be discouraged even if it attracts people not quite ready to fully embrace it.

 

Keep your chin up and commend yourself for being so composed and graceful despite things not working out with this new man. Allow yourself to cry through as you have, those tears of sorrow will one day be tears of joy. Don't rush or pressure yourself more than you are comfortable with doing. Nothing wrong with taking some time, even if some new relationships can develop fast.

 

Consistency of character with high integrity makes any person admirable in my book. The pain you feel, while not what you desire, is fueled by the love that runs through all of you. Take the good things from every relationship and let them become a part of an improved you. Learn from the negative aspects and allow yourself to be okay with that it happened. It's not your fault that things weren't meant to be, circumstances and life can be a puzzling mystery.

 

Your kindness is your strength, and while it can be your weakness too, life should be filled with good. Making mistakes is good, it gains you knowledge, experiencing failure, rejection while not fun to most, it builds character and confirms even more what it is you seek as well as what you do not want.

 

Let yourself be inspired by the support of your family, friends and wherever else it may reside too, it can be found in many locations. While the loneliness can be overwhelming, it is undoubtedly more scary to wake up and being in company of someone who does not feel the same way about you, as you do them. It may not seem like it, but all these things can and should be considered a blessing in disguise. The reason for that is because this is the path you now must walk to end up exactly where it is you are meant to be.

[aloneinaz]

I'll share a story. When I first left a horrible, toxic marriage that I stayed in too long, I was thrilled when I moved into my new place w/out her. I decompressed for several months before deciding I missed female companionship and joined a dating site. I listed honestly that I was separated. OMG.. I had the plague. It was horrible trying to get a response from any of the women. I did have some dates that were not good. Finally, my divorce finalized and I changed it to divorced. You'd of thought I turned into George Clooney! lol Suddenly, I was getting a much higher response to emails.

 

 

The lesion I learned is to NOT get involved w/anyone freshly separated or divorced unless you only want to casually date. Most of the women I met at the beginning had been single for over a year and wanted a relationship. They knew my head wasn't ready for that and they were right. I started quizzing gals before meeting them to see how long they had been divorced. If they were freshly divorced, I'd avoid them.

 

 

I think some time alone w/yourself would be good. Heal from the marriage and that last, short relationship. In a few months, you could try again but don't let yourself get too emotionally involved until it you've dated someone seriously for several months.

[jakrbbt]

Hey young' un, you have a good decade or more to have a biological child. If you wait for someone who is compatible with you and responsible and in the right place, you'll thank yourself. This guy just wasn't there, and that's ok--your future is by noon means sealed by one attempt at a relationship that doesn't pan out.

 

If you really want a child, presumably you'll really care about what happens to that child. So having a kid in a sub-par situation would put you in a real bind. You are so fortunate that you don't have to rush it.

 

In the meantime, the more secure your career and personal goals, (including physical and mental health), the better insurance you have that your future child and you will do great. And those just happen to be the things that facilitate meeting a good partner.

 

Right now I'd focus on healing from disappointments. That doesn't mean replacing a bad relationship with a new, updated version (though I see nothing wrong with continuing to date/finding someone). Rather, it means simply healing and recognizing you're understandably sad and making friends with your new best friend, Time.

Your mind and heart will do the rest, if you let them.

 

You should read "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It's well-researched, easy, and will give you insight into why relationships with certain people will or will not work for you. Best of luck.