Did I do the right thing?

[Paenitentiae]

I know there have been endless discussions on this topic, but I guess I'd just like some input regarding my own situation. When it comes to confessing to your own BS or telling the AP's BS, is it ever better to just not tell to spare them the hurt and suffering? Even if the AP is a serial cheater and likely to do it again? I understand the viewpoint that it's not the AP's place to tell the BS, but if the BS deserves to know, how else would they ever find out, especially if they don't suspect anything? Do you believe that all BS will eventually find out on their own. I don't believe this is true as I think many, if not most MM are skilled enough to continue cheating without being caught. So in any case, is it better for the BS to continue living in the dark and for him/her to never find out? Or do they deserve to know the truth about their partner despite the hurt it may cause?

 

In my case, I did not personally tell my AP's BSO; I confessed to my BF when I knew I had to end the affair for good. When I needed out. When one more heartache from the OM would have killed me. When I wanted to reconcile with my boyfriend, which I knew would not be possible without complete honesty. When I wanted nothing more to do with the OM after finally seeing him for who he really is, after the way he treated me. When I finally admitted that I could not move on with my life if I continued to have contact with him. Once I decided to confess, I knew that it meant I would never talk to the OM again. I did not expect him to come running into my arms, I knew full well that he would hate me for it and that he would stay with her. I expected him to throw me under the bus, and I suspect he did. I did not expect him to contact me, and I made no attempts to contact him. It seemed like the best way to ensure the finality of the affair. I also knew that I would not have been able to live with myself if I did not confess to my BF. The guilt and the weight of that lie would have crushed me and weighed upon me every day for the rest of my life. But perhaps that was my cross to bear.

 

Once I decided I wanted to end the affair once and for all, and before I confessed, I knew that I had only two options: to confess and get everything out in the open so I could finally move on and begin healing, or to keep quiet and be stuck in this cycle with the OM forever. I knew that I wasn't strong enough to go NC for good because I had already tried before and failed. I knew that once I confessed, my BF might very well leave me, and I accepted that that may be a consequence I would have to live with. I made the choice to enter the affair and I recognized that I should face the repercussions. Thankfully, my BF was willing to give me a second chance, and I will be forever grateful to him for that.

 

I still struggle with whether or not confessing was "the right thing to do" so to speak. Perhaps I was selfish in confessing the affair to my BF. To assuage my own guilt was a large part of why I decided to tell. I did not want to hurt my BF, but I had already done that when I decided to enter the affair. At that point, I felt it was the best way to start doing the right thing and I felt I could at least respect my BF enough to tell him the truth after what I had done to him. I now know that telling my BF was the right thing for me, and I think he agrees given that he has told me he would rather know than me have kept it a secret forever.

 

But did I have the right to "out" the OM to anybody? Was it a betrayal to the OM, my "partner in crime"? Did I have the right to confess when it not only affected me and my BF but the OM and his GF too? I did not want to hurt OM's GF either. As cliche as it sounds, I know I should have thought about that before I slept with her BF, but in the affair fog, no one thinks rationally. After I confessed, my BF and I discussed whether it would be right to tell the OM's GF or not. I told him that I didn't know what to do. He ultimately decided to tell her because he felt she deserved to know, and being in the same position, he would want the same thing. Had my BF decided not to tell her, I don't know if I would have told her myself or not. I thought about writing his GF a letter apologizing and telling her my side of the story, since I doubt OM told her anything close to the truth, but I decided against it because I'm sure she didn't want to hear from me, and I'm not sure she would have believed me anyway. I did enough damage participating in the affair, and I don't think contacting her would have made a difference.

 

Perhaps I made the end of the affair easier for the OM since I gave him a reason to hate me and forget about me. I have no doubt that the OM would have continued the affair indefinitely had I not ended it, and he never would have confessed to his GF. I know confessing has made made it easier for me to stay NC, and that has made a huge difference in my recovery. Sometimes I think that confessing was the only way to redeem myself after all the horrible things I had done. The only way to start moving on and work on being a better person. I'm not sure I would have been strong enough to end it without confessing. But at other times, I feel like the lowest of the low, knowing how I hurt so many people by ending it the way I did. I know that I had already hurt my BF and the OM's GF by participating in the affair, but would they have been better off had I kept my mouth shut and taken it to my grave? Did I unnecessarily hurt these people ex post facto? Am I a horrible person for not just keeping my mouth shut and moving on with my life? Did I really do the right thing?

 

Sorry for the scattered ramblings. My mind is all over the place. I guess I just need reassurance.

[GoldieLox]

You absolutely, 100% did the right thing with your boyfriend. In that respect, your story sounds very similar to mine in that I did it because I knew in order for my marriage to survive, it's what I had to do. My two cents to you from here on out is continue to be honest, no matter what. Even if it's uncomfortable at times, which it probably will be. Just let it out. He will appreciate it that much more.

 

As for the other half, the BS, I was always torn on this issue as well. I always lived under the assumption that it was not my marriage, his mess to deal with, I already interfered enough, etc. Then I started to think, but REALLY. Wouldn't she want to know? I, like you, flip-flopped back and forth for a while. In the end, I ultimately decided against it for three reasons: One, I feared it would come off nothing more as the scorned lovers attack. After all, he was the one who ended it a final time. Number two, he has kids on the younger side. I don't want to play any more of a part in destroying the family than I already did. I couldn't live with myself if I was the reason they grew up with a father part time on weekends, which leads me to number three- his wife was suspicious in the end. She may have already figured it out, I'm not sure, as him and I do not speak anymore. Especially if he goes out and turns into a serial cheater (he was not at this point, I'd like to think he wouldn't, but).

 

In the end, it's really up to you. It's a tough think to grapple with. There's a lot of different factors.

 

ETA: I just wanted to add that if his BS ever confronted me or questioned me in any way, I'd never deny. I mean I'm not going to be the one to slip a letter in the mail or go hunting for her phone number, but I'd absolutely never deny it if she asked. At some point, I would have to take responsibility to this woman I've never met. Denying it isn't doing that.

Edited June 10, 2015 by GoldieLox

[Paenitentiae]

Thank you for the reassurance. I am glad I told my boyfriend. We have worked through a lot and are very happy now, I just wish I had never hurt him in the first place. As for the OM's GF, I guess the possibility of her finding out was not enough to keep me from coming clean to my boyfriend. For once in my two year affair, I stood up for myself and did something for my own sake rather than worrying about the OM's feelings and letting him walk all over me. I did it to better myself. I decided to let my loyalties lie with my boyfriend, not the OM, and not his GF, and for the first time in a long time, I decided to respect my boyfriend's feelings rather than the OM and his lies. That may have been selfish of me, but if that's the case, the OM was a million times more selfish throughout the affair, expecting me to cater to his every want and need, throwing me breadcrumbs, and then expecting me to stay loyal to him.

 

My case is a little different from yours in that my OM was not married, had no kids, began our PA when he had been with his GF for only three years, and had pursued me relentlessly for an entire year before that. So if his GF found out as a result of me confessing to my BF, I would not have been destroying a family, no children would have suffered as a result, and I would not have been breaking up a marriage. In fact, it may have saved her years of heartache and a future with a serial cheater and philanderer (he has cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had and he has a reputation among people who know him), had she not decided to give him another chance. I commend you for thinking of your OM's children and deciding not to break up a family, despite how much pain you must have endured. In the face of the selfishness of an affair, it shows a bit of selflessness and courage. I wish you all the best.

[gettingstronger]

Everyone is entitled to the truth about their lives-you, your BF, the BGF-

 

It may not feel all warm and fuzzy, but in the end, its the right thing to do-

[the_artist_1970]

Thank you for the reassurance. I am glad I told my boyfriend. We have worked through a lot and are very happy now, I just wish I had never hurt him in the first place. As for the OM's GF, I guess the possibility of her finding out was not enough to keep me from coming clean to my boyfriend. For once in my two year affair, I stood up for myself and did something for my own sake rather than worrying about the OM's feelings and letting him walk all over me. I did it to better myself. I decided to let my loyalties lie with my boyfriend, not the OM, and not his GF, and for the first time in a long time, I decided to respect my boyfriend's feelings rather than the OM and his lies. That may have been selfish of me, but if that's the case, the OM was a million times more selfish throughout the affair, expecting me to cater to his every want and need, throwing me breadcrumbs, and then expecting me to stay loyal to him.

 

My case is a little different from yours in that my OM was not married, had no kids, began our PA when he had been with his GF for only three years, and had pursued me relentlessly for an entire year before that. So if his GF found out as a result of me confessing to my BF, I would not have been destroying a family, no children would have suffered as a result, and I would not have been breaking up a marriage. In fact, it may have saved her years of heartache and a future with a serial cheater and philanderer (he has cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had and he has a reputation among people who know him), had she not decided to give him another chance. I commend you for thinking of your OM's children and deciding not to break up a family, despite how much pain you must have endured. In the face of the selfishness of an affair, it shows a bit of selflessness and courage. I wish you all the best.

 

I think you did the right thing. It took courage to do what you did. I hope you and your BF can move past this and that you can lead a life of integrity and honor in the future. I do think you need to change this thinking: "and had pursued me relentlessly for an entire year before that"

 

No one can pursue someone relentlessly without it being harassment or without the other person being receptive to their pursuits. Someone who doesn't want to be "pursued" WILL NOT tolerate another person not respecting their boundaries and they put a stop to it. You are in control of yourself and you control how other people "pursue" you. I think if you don't move past that thinking some other man will come along, see that you are vulnerable to be "pursued" and he will pursue you relentlessly and you will again lay aside your honor and self worth and fall into another deceitful relationship. Dig deep and find out why you allowed this MM to "pursue" you. MM can sniff out vulnerable women who are willing to be a side piece.

[Paenitentiae]

Thank you, Artist. Perhaps you're right. I should have done more to stop the OM's advances. I guess I just never even imagined it would evolve into something like this. I did tell him over and over again for the better part of a year that he was being inappropriate and that he was crazy, telling him to stop, and even getting rather annoyed by it at times. But we were friends, and I guess I didn't want to hurt the friendship by pushing back any further or pulling away. I didn't have feelings for him and was not even attracted to him until we had been friends for a year and had gradually become closer. I was naive, I admit. But now I recognize the signs and will not let anything like that happen again in the future.

 

I guess my point was more that he had been looking for an affair since at least the second year of his relationship with his GF. He was very much the aggressor in the affair, and he has cheated before, so I suspect he knew what he was doing from the get go. I, of course, made some horrible decisions, allowing it to progress into a full blown affair, but I will be sure to not make the same mistakes in the future.

[AlwaysGrowing]

If the other BSO knows, then maybe that is all she needs to know from you.

 

If the other BSO was to reach out and ask questions, then consider answering her questions without "telling your side", just facts. Also, I think it would be appropriate to apologize then...again...without your "side of the story"...attached to the apology.

 

FWIW, I personally believe that if you needed to be honest with your BS, to be able to move forward authentically...then that is what you needed to put closure to the matter. You no longer have that skeleton in your closet.