gbzogirl Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I don't know what to do. My friend's new boyfriend approached me and told me that he had always been more attracted to me than to my friend. He asked me for my phone number and I told him that his girlfriend(my friend) would probably not appreciate that. He said "are you going to let everyone else make your decisions?" I told him that I make my own decisions and that I have respect for my friend's feelings. He approached me again 3 days later and asked if I had thought any more about giving him my number. I told him to get lost. Anyway, I was conflicted about telling my friend what had happened. She has really flipped over this guy and already thinks that she is in love. It is so clear to me that he is slime. A few days ago I decided that if the situation were reversed I would want to know. So I told her what had happened. She acted as if she already knew and then said that he was just being friendly. She is the jealous type and I know that if she already know then I would have heard about it, she would have blown up. I left it at that though I know that this guy is a player and his intentions were definitely not friendly. Today she called me and told me that she really loves him and that the situation was a misunderstanding. She said that she thinks I am jealous and trying to break them up. This is so not the case. I just wanted to he honest. Anyway, she ended our friendship. I am very sad. The worst part is that we all go to school together and I have to see them all the time. I really don't know what to do. I feel so bad. I should have kept my mouth shut. Should I try to apologize? Should I just let it go? we have been friends for 2 years. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Nope, she made her bed, now she must lie in it. If this guy did this to you, you can be sure he did it with others. And some women don't have too much of an ego and will not turn down an interesting "proposition". If you go to her now, she will never understand a thing and will take you for granted. Be cold to her. She needs to take her medicine. I think in two weeks tops her new guy will dump her like an old story, so don't worry, she'll come around by then . Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Let it go for now. There isn't anything you can do or say, and no apology in the world that is going to change her mind as long as she is with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
SadAndLonely Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I agree. Let her get what's coming to her. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Do not apologize when you have done nothing wrong. If your assessment is accurate, in time she will discover that he is indeed slime. I think that you did the honorable thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Kimlo Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Leave her alone. If she values your friendship intime she will find out her mistake and apologize. You are a good friend to have. Let her find out her error. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Agree with the others.. Leave her alone.. in time she will see him for who he is. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 Stay away from the friend, and definitely away from the guy. Then when he cheats on her and/or dumps her, and she comes crying back to you, don't try to say "I told you so", just act like you couldn't care less, tell her "whatever, it's none of my business". Let her stew and eventually she will realise she was an ass, and hopefully will apologise to you - then you can go back to being friends. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 This kind of reaction is one of the big reasons I advise people, even very caring, helpful people, to avoid any kind of comment on other people's relationships. I totally understand your motivation, gbzogirl - you were altruistic and caring about your friend - you did unto her as you would have her do unto you - and you paid the price. It is a common story. Even if you have a videotape of your best friend's husband going at it with a string of hookers and farm animals, if you put that in front of her, YOU'RE THE BAD GUY/LIAR/JEALOUS etc. My standard advice is, "If you want to inform someone about their SO cheating, then be prepared to lose the friendship and get hurt pretty bad in the process." Unfortunately, I don't see how you can apologize. It would have to be something like, "I'm sorry I told you the truth about what your bf said and did to me." The only apology she would accept would be for you lying or trying to break them up, which I'm sure would stick in your throat to the point where you can't even talk. So...avoiding them both until they come and apologize to you is the only option. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 You did the right thing. By terminating the friendship, she showed herself not to be a very good friend to you anyway. Denial is very contagious. When she finally finds out what her boyfriend is really all about...and gets dumped into the streets...she'll call you and apologize. Accept her apology and tell her to get lost!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whynotme Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 You did the right thing, I am sorry you lost your friend in the process,but hopefullt she will come around,and you and her can work this out. Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 so you're single and aren't tied down by anyone, even a best friend... sounds like primetime to get out there and start meeting some new people! good luck. leave the creeps in the dust; one (or both) will come crawling back. and you can either accept any apologies offered or you can say, "hey thanks, but it doesn't matter now anyway" and then walk away. go have some new fun. think of it as a gift of freeeeeeeeedom!!! (easier said than done, i know, but i'm trying to be empowering!!! ) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 I feel bad for you, but hey, you did the right thing. You couldn't NOT tell her. I know it hurts to lose a friend, but I tell ya, once she figures out this guy is a scumbag, she WILL come back into your life. Just don't hold this against her - Let it go and continue the friendship. She can't be objective right now, she's insecure, she's jealous and who knows what he's been telling her about you. Back off, give her time and space...She'll come around again. Men come and go, but girlfriends stay. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 Hi gbzogirl, I had a simular situation happen to me when I was in my early twenties. My best girlfriend was newly married, but had confided in me that she suspected her husband of lying and cheating. I ran into him on the street one day, and after small chit-chat - he said something to the effect of "Yeah, so like, we should get together sometime"...I was stunned...I told him I didn't think that was a very good idea. Then twice at home, he phoned and asked about us going on a date sometime. I always declined. By this time I was was also appalled and disgusted...and realized that my girlfiend was right on target with her intuitions - this man truly was a pig-dog. I would never sleep with another woman's SO...and especially if it's my best friend's husband - I value my female friendships far more than doing something that would forever jeopardize the bond, and cause her so much pain...she'd undoubtably find out eventually - and I don't think I could live with the guilt. Anywayyyyys - so here I found myself in a very uncomfortable situation, and did what you did - I was honest with her. She listened. She knew I was a trusting friend and what I was saying was not BS. She was not upset with me, but what it DID do was confirm her worst fears. Two days later, she left her husband, packed up and moved back to be with her family in Toronto. She told me this was the absolute last straw, and she can no longer be with such a man...she said she felt humiliated. So in a sense, by being honest - I actually did lose my friendhip with her...she moved so far away, and we eventually lost touch (this was back in the days before email and IM'ing.) Maybe I'm to blame for contributing to her marriage bust-up...I don't know, but I think of her often, miss the friendship, and am glad to hear she is remarried and very happy. So, I just don't know what to advise you, gbzogirl....for me, hindsight being 20/20, I've come to the conclusion that this kind of honesty is going to have at least SOME kind of negative outcome....and I decided after that incident, that I'll be keeping my big mouth SHUT! Instead I've adopting the policy of ripping a 2nd a**h*** in men who are in a committed relationship and start hitting on me. It's so sad your friend misinterpreted you honesty as being jealousy, and you're stuck seeing both of them every freakin day...don't feel you need say anymore to her or apologize. She'll be seeing the light soon, and when he's gone, it's she who will likely be apologizing to you - and hopefully the two of you will resume the friendship. Say and do nothing, at this point in time. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 Instead of removing the cause, she decided to remove the consequence. She wants to stay with this BF and have you out of the picture. I think he is also mad at you for rejecting him so it's possible that he might have said something against you. That's why she acted as if she knew. She did know something. Screw them! You lost a friend. When she realizes who he really is, she will come back to you. Don't think that there's something you can do right now. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 “I've come to the conclusion that this kind of honesty is going to have at least SOME kind of negative outcome....and I decided after that incident, that I'll be keeping my big mouth SHUT!” Personally, I would rather lose a friend out of honesty than keep her in a bad relationship because of my own selfish motives in wanting to have her friendship. I lost a very good friend after telling her what her husband was up to – I would lose her a million times over. I don’t blame her, she did what she had to do. It wasn’t me keeping her warm at night. Her husband always disliked me but that’s because he felt I encouraged her to have a life outside their marriage, but that’s a different issue. He felt he wasn’t in control of her when we were friends. “My standard advice is, "If you want to inform someone about their SO cheating, then be prepared to lose the friendship and get hurt pretty bad in the process." Absolutely, my choice is I would rather lose a friend than have her lied to. Gbzo - I would write her a note saying that you are sorry for the decision shes made but you stand by what you told her. You didn’t get it wrong, you felt you made the right choice in telling her as she is too precious to you to be messed about. Tell her you still value her friendship and that you miss her, and that you will be there for her if she decides to act on the information you gave her or not. If she doesn’t respond, you have my sympathy - I know how sad it is, I still miss my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Originally posted by BigBelm Personally, I would rather lose a friend out of honesty than keep her in a bad relationship because of my own selfish motives in wanting to have her friendship. . Huh?....are you calling me selfish??? Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 I took what you wrote to mean that youd keep quiet next time as you lost that friend as she moved away. Of course it’s a horrible experience to go through for you and your friend and but: “but I think of her often, miss the friendship, and am glad to hear she is remarried and very happy. “ as she is now happy its had a positive effect on her in the long term. Sorry if I misunderstood your meaning, but as she’s now happy as a result of her fears being confirmed, why wouldn’t you do it again? Of course not everyone will be happy as a result of this sort of intervention, for eg my friend is still married to her cheating husband, but i dont have any idea if its happy or not. The OP's friend is still with the cheater that we know of, but your particular instance, your friend has made a new happy life for herself, didnt that make it worthwhile losing her? Link to post Share on other sites
scarlyjones Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 apologize for WHAT?!?!?! You did whats right. Shes a lousy friend to choose that slime ball over you. She deserves exactly what shes definitely going to get! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gbzogirl Posted May 31, 2005 Author Share Posted May 31, 2005 Well, thank you all for the comments and advice!! Here I am a month later and I am ok. The girl still does not speak to me....which is fine with me. Her boyfriend, however says "hello" everytime he sees me. Our mutual friends have all made it known to her that she is wrong, but she refuses to acknowledge it. In the meantime, she has alienated other people...she is very paranoid and thinks that everyone is after her guy. He is not attractive, but very manipulative. I'm glad I told her. If this situation had not happened, I would not have realized that she was a friend not worth having. Even if she did not want to believe what I had to tell her she could have dealt with it in a different way. And eventually, if her ego allows, she will realize that I was being honest and loyal to her. (Of course, then it will be too late.) Just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who replied to my post. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who has been in this situation. It caused me so much anxiety, and I feel sooooooo much better now. Link to post Share on other sites
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