Leo037 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 My husband and I are recently separated due to me finally realizing for the past 8 years we have been back together (broke up for a few months back then after 5 years together so total of 13 years this has actually gone on on and off) that I have been controlled and possibly emotionally abused. We had been having problems for a few months and he refused to tell me what was bothering him after multiple times of me asking, lied about contact with an ex, blamed me for our issues, etc....I found out he had been having inappropriate texts with the ex and even "joked" about her coming to visit while I was out of town. I have never been away from my husband (or child) for more than 24hours and when I left town with friends for a whole weekend I realized I felt like I could breathe again and be me and relax for the first time in years. When I returned to town I immediately felt the same anxiety return. Things got worse with us as I found out more and we began counseling separately. My counselor told me to focus on me and what I wanted and as I did, I realized I had been letting him control me. I no longer had contact with my friends, not close with my family, he always knew where I was and what I was doing, etc...things I always thought were just him being protective. People have admitted to me that they dont like how he talks to me and i seem to have lost the excitement i had in life. Also, I have always told him I had issues with his temper but never made him do anything about it. He goes from calm to pissed Ina second and starts putting me down, calling me names, making fun of friends or family....years ago he used to throw things or break things (not cool but admittedly that hasn't happened in 5-6 years). I was once a very social person who for years now has been on anxiety meds for social anxiety and I am wondering if its from years of being put down when he's mad. I have started to see small things with our son I dont like either and he knows this. So my question is can a controller (and possible narcissist) change? He is in therapy and says he will change and win me back. Right now I feel sorry for him and bad for hurting him with the separation but when I look at him I no longer see my husband or feel love. I right now feel I never want a serious relationship ever again in life. Is it possible my feelings will change? We had good times too and I hate to separate my family but right now I can't imagine us working. We have agreed to legally separate and live apart while we work on ourselves and see what happens. I am not sure I believe he can change for good and just fear if we ever got back together in the future the cycle would start all over again. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Yes, people can change, definitely. It takes work and commitment, but it can be done. It depends how much he wants it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 And while he's sending you the texts that he's going to change he's simultaneously texting his ex and other women. It's an old classic. Keep going your own path. When you've finally become independent and standing on your own two feet, you may consider DATING him - and should he prove a good BF maybe even a relationship, but never bind yourself to this man by marriage again. And should he ever - ever - slip and go back to his old behavior patterns, dump him and never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 People are capable of change but most people don't. If he's in therapy, he's making a genuine effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Torii Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 People are capable of change but most people don't. If he's in therapy, he's making a genuine effort. I agree with d0nnivain. Even though people are capable of changing themselves, they usually won't do so for the person that love them - IF it's an ultimatum. People are how they are because of many factors in their life, and their behavior associated with it cannot be changed when it benefits you. Many people are stuck in a loop of previous behavior, and sometimes never see change as an improvement. Narcissistic is like poison, a person becomes obsessed with themselves - where they're going, what they look like in trends, etc. They only see themselves, only worry about themselves. They love themselves way too much to form a healthy bond with another person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 People can change, you changed from an outgoing, happy person to an anxious person hiding herself away. I do feel that some can change from being controlling to gaining some insight, BUT I also think that old habits die hard. I feel that as a couple it would be so easy to slip into the old ways. He starts shouting or getting into a bad mood and you reflexively go into walking on eggshells mode. You then start trying not to upset him and suddenly you are back where you started. He controls you and you are anxiously self isolating again. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 He will not change if's it "for you". He needs to want to change for himself,get some help with his behavior(s),on his own,because he truly feels he needs it. If he's saying he'll change for you, it's only going to be a temporary fix. Basically as soon as youu take him back..after a few months,it'll be the same as it was when you were with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Changing, fundamentally, who one is takes years to accomplish for it to be consistent and for it to stick like it's second nature. If he's been able to get his way by employing the tactics he's employed, he's not going to give them up after 3 sessions with a therapist. Him going to therapy may be just one more weapon in his arsenal of manipulation that he's using in order to keep you where he can control you. He has to want to change for himself because he doesn't like who he is as he is. Him changing for you is him scrounging for a tweak to his manipulation to keep you under his control. The second you are back in his orbit, he's going to revert to being the only person he can be: him. Give him about 2 years of intensive, consistent therapy. If he shows no improvement by that time, you'll know it's best to stay away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I have never been away from my husband (or child) for more than 24hours and when I left town with friends for a whole weekend I realized I felt like I could breathe again and be me and relax for the first time in years. When I returned to town I immediately felt the same anxiety return. YOU already know what needs to be done here. Just do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leo037 Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Thank you to everyone for your thoughts. It is greatly appreciated and very helpful! I am struggling with what I know I need to do because as usual I am thinking of him more than myself. Your words help me greatly! Thank you again! Link to post Share on other sites
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