Not sure what to call this emotion, but I don't want to go with "jealous"

[Beccagreene]

I'm trying to identify the emotions that are coming up for me lately, hoping someone can help being a neutral party.

My husband and I have been together for years, we are very committed, very much in love, trust each other and have the same interests in our sex life. We are very honest and open with each other always and communicate very well.

 

Over the years we've developed a threesome with his best friend. It's been a really fun and interesting addition to our sex life. "Adam" I'll call him, has been in a relationship, single and in a new relationship during the time that we've all been involved. We've always spent a lot of just hanging out time together regardless of the sex, and when we do it's casual friendship with a side of innuendo. I feel like we do a decent job at keeping everything emotionally separated.

 

When Adam was in the first relationship (with the mother of his children) out didn't phase me one bit, I met her, hung out with her at parties, talked with her and had no problems (of course she was unaware of our situation). Now the second relationship has come along and he's been with this woman since August of last year. The very first time I met her, I was instantly put off. She just rubbed me the wrong way, wasn't rude to me or anything, I just didn't like her personality. I've tried the whole time they've been together to find a way to not have that "you instantly piss me off when I see you" feeling but it hasn't gotten better.

 

I really believe he can do so much better than her, and I see her as a very emotionally desperate woman. I was hoping they would just kind of fade away from each other, but that doesn't seem to be happening. When he talks about her, he usually sounds like they're on the outs and he's just waiting for the right time to break it off, but from her take on things, you'd swear they were walking down the aisle tomorrow.

 

It's getting difficult for me to distinguish if my feelings towards her are legitimate dislike or if it's something akin to jealousy? The disclaimer to all of this is that I would never leave my husband and even if that was something I'd consider, I definitely wouldn't want to take on being the woman in Adams world (as our friend I adore him, but as a boyfriend and a father he's got wwaaaaay too many issues). So, anyone want to help me analyze a little? I'd love to get past the icky feelings towards her just to be able to have more of that couple hanging out time with them.

Edited June 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[TaraMaiden2]

In Buddhism we might suggest that in a previous life you were connected in a negative way....

Maybe one of you was under the command of the other, and the feeling of resentment arose.... or perhaps you were combatants on opposite sides during a battle....

 

But that is only a suggestion.

 

In any case, what would be healthier is that you stop worrying about why 'she' makes you feel this way, and focus on why you permit yourself to be affected by something that fundamentally is none of your business.

 

And I don't mean that disrespectfully.

I mean that if you can't put your finger on why exactly she rubs you up the wrong way, the problem is yours, and you need to go inwardly to examine your own preconceived ideas, prejudices, judgements and criticisms.

 

If you look inwardly, more at how you feel when her presence arouses animosity in you, perhaps you'll get to the bottom of it.

 

Look to yourself, uniquely.

 

Because that's the only place you CAN look.

[Beccagreene]

I really appreciate the different insight, that was unique.

I am very analytical and I have been trying really hard to figure out exactly why their world should be of any concern on my end. If he wants to deal with her and live their life, then what should that matter to me? I think the worst part of it for me is feeling like I can't get past my dislike of her enough to be able to spend time with the both of them together. I have gotten some insight from him and my husband that she has a bit of jealously aimed in my direction (maybe due to the three of us being so close and her not understanding why?)

[TaraMaiden2]

You can't do anything about hypothetical suppositions. Only she knows why she might be giving out vibes.... what you can only be concerned with is how you process your feelings on the matter.

 

I always use the lighthouse analogy, in situations like this....

 

Imagine a lighthouse, far out from the shore, on a rocky promontory; The lighthouse is completely surrounded by water, and this water is never the same, in appearance, two days running; there may be wild storms, high winds, calm, mill-pond, hazy summer days, deep, sullen, black, turbulent nights, high seas, low fogs, blizzards, tempests and waves, twenty feet high, rising majestically and crashing against the rocks, sending blinding salt-heavy spray up and over the top beacon.

 

Yet, look.... the lighthouse is still; imperturbable, solid, motionless and steady.... it continues to shine, calmly, reliably, no matter what the elements may bring.

 

And so, like this lighthouse, we should be.

Knocked and buffeted by whatever surrounds us, comes at us or rises to impede us.

We simply endure, accept, and 'rise above' it all.....

[gettingstronger]

I would use the word "conflicted" I have people in my life like that-

those I really hit it off with but their actions drive me nuts, some I just don't really hit it off with and have really done nothing I can put my finger on- it kind of goes both ways-

 

I think the unique relationship you share does muddy that waters a bit- does she know of the arrangement-maybe you have a sense of guilt or feeling like she would not approve and that adds to it?

[Popsicle]

I'm trying to identify the emotions that are coming up for me lately, hoping someone can help being a neutral party.

My husband and I have been together for years, we are very committed, very much in love, trust each other and have the same interests in our sex life. We are very honest and open with each other always and communicate very well. Over the years we've developed a threesome with his best friend. It's been a really fun and interesting addition to our sex life. "Adam" I'll call him, has been in a relationship, single and in a new relationship during the time that we've all been involved. We've always spent a lot of just hanging out time together regardless of the sex, and when we do it's casual friendship with a side of innuendo. I feel like we do a decent job at keeping everything emotionally separated.

When Adam was in the first relationship (with the mother of his children) out didn't phase me one bit, I met her, hung out with her at parties, talked with her and had no problems (of course she was unaware of our situation). Now the second relationship has come along and he's been with this woman since August of last year. The very first time I met her, I was instantly put off. She just rubbed me the wrong way, wasn't rude to me or anything, I just didn't like her personality. I've tried the whole time they've been together to find a way to not have that "you instantly piss me off when I see you" feeling but it hasn't gotten better.

I really believe he can do so much better than her, and I see her as a very emotionally desperate woman. I was hoping they would just kind of fade away from each other, but that doesn't seem to be happening. When he talks about her, he usually sounds like they're on the outs and he's just waiting for the right time to break it off, but from her take on things, you'd swear they were walking down the aisle tomorrow.

It's getting difficult for me to distinguish if my feelings towards her are legitimate dislike or if it's something akin to jealousy? The disclaimer to all of this is that I would never leave my husband and even if that was something I'd consider, I definitely wouldn't want to take on being the woman in Adams world (as our friend I adore him, but as a boyfriend and a father he's got wwaaaaay too many issues). So, anyone want to help me analyze a little? I'd love to get past the icky feelings towards her just to be able to have more of that couple hanging out time with them.

 

It is jealousy. Why do you not want to call it that?

He gives you something, whatever that is, that you enjoy, and this woman is a threat to that.

 

And by the way, when you deny that you feel jealous, it just silently grows, because you don't change anything.

[Morro72]

Is Adam's current GF aware that he has sex with you?

[Beccagreene]

I was honestly trying to come up with the word that was appropriate once I started reading the responses. I went back to the moments that I was around him with her there and the emotion I remember feeling was possessive. I felt all territorial, like I wanted her to know that I was there first and she was an outsider. An outsider to something thatsshe's not aware exists, but the last one to the party nonetheless. I remember thinking that she wasn't going to squeeze her way in between us (even though she had no clue why we were so close).

Weird, right?

[Southern Sun]

I am taking a stab at this one in a totally (trying to be) objective way:

 

I have never been in a threesome relationship situation, so I really don't know exactly. And I do think it's possible your sexual relationship will change how you view this guy's other partners, naturally. Perhaps his previous partner simply wasn't a "threat" to you, in your eyes, and this new one might be, for some reasons you can't pinpoint.

 

However, it also could be that she simply rubs you the wrong way. We don't like everybody. I can relate this to my husband's best friend, who became sort of like my brother. He lived with us off and on over the years, particularly when we were younger (before kids). We were never sexual, but he was a big flirt, always in front of my H. It was "sanctioned", that's just how he was. He rotated girlfriends in and out of our lives and some I liked and others I HATED. Some I just thought were idiots and yes, I was somewhat territorial. But it was because I cared about him as a friend, kind of as a "brother." I felt kind of protective. Then again, we never had sex.

 

Maybe that's another angle.

[Quiet Storm]

I really believe he can do so much better than her, and I see her as a very emotionally desperate woman.

 

 

(as our friend I adore him, but as a boyfriend and a father he's got wwaaaaay too many issues).

 

 

Dysfunction attracts dysfunction.

 

 

It sounds like you feel a sense of ownership over him, and want to have input and power in his relationships. Even though you wouldn't want him for yourself, the sex creates a closeness that prompts these kinds of feelings. It seems to happen a lot in FWB relationships, too.

 

Most marriages have strong boundaries so that there is no opportunity for feelings for others to "spark". Your marriage doesn't have those barriers in place, so these feelings are just a natural consequence of opening your marriage, IMO. Have you told your husband about these feelings that you are having?

[Beccagreene]

I agree with a lot of what was said, an intimate act without the romantic love emotions probably creates some sort of connection beyond our regular friendship. We don't have an open marriage, he's the only extraccurricular we have and I suppose that's created a little bit of a possessiveness in me about him.

[jwi71]

I was honestly trying to come up with the word that was appropriate once I started reading the responses. I went back to the moments that I was around him with her there and the emotion I remember feeling was possessive. I felt all territorial, like I wanted her to know that I was there first and she was an outsider. An outsider to something thatsshe's not aware exists, but the last one to the party nonetheless. I remember thinking that she wasn't going to squeeze her way in between us (even though she had no clue why we were so close).

Weird, right?

 

Not weird at all. Normal.

 

You have some level of attachment to "adam" and she is threat to that - she might, in a very real way, end your R with him and deny you him and your emotional and sexual gratification.

 

But this isn't the real question.

 

Do you believe SHE has a right to know of your current and ongoing R with "adam"? More simply, are you and "adam" going to betray her trust/confidence? And by this I mean it is a reasonable expectation, as far as I know, that this new GF does NOT know of your trysts - should you and "adam" decide to continue...do you (collective you) tell her the truth or allow her to assume otherwise?

[still_an_Angel]

Maybe your spider sense was activated that she is a threat if she knows of the arrangement and will curtail adam's participation. Then there's also this inherent dislike that normal people feel about a stranger that can't be fully explained. It could be a combination of both.

[whichwayisup]

I really appreciate the different insight, that was unique.

I am very analytical and I have been trying really hard to figure out exactly why their world should be of any concern on my end. If he wants to deal with her and live their life, then what should that matter to me? I think the worst part of it for me is feeling like I can't get past my dislike of her enough to be able to spend time with the both of them together. I have gotten some insight from him and my husband that she has a bit of jealously aimed in my direction (maybe due to the three of us being so close and her not understanding why?)

 

Maybe this is a sign for you and your husband to stop the threesome with his best friend and let this guy focus on either fixing or ending his relationship with this woman. Please don't get involved or interfere with their relationship. At the end of the day your focus is in your marriage and the best friend is a grown man, if he is unhappy, he'll end his R with her, but if he doesn't you can either distance yourself from them or learn to accept her, put up with her enough that you can still socialize once in a while.

 

Maybe you do have some feelings for him that you're not aware of?