My wife changes for the better...or did she?

[Jason Clark]

Hello everyone. This is my first post so please forgive me if it is in the wrong place. A with many life situations there is a huuuuge back story. I don't want to waste anyone's time so I will keep it short as possible.

 

Suddenly my wife of 8 years is behaving like the perfect wife. It's hard to describe. Things she would go off at me about in the past, silly things, she has started doing herself. It has been argued about an my response is how could you have given me 8 years of uphill, terrible uphill, when I would maybe talk to an ex-girlfriend, as a friend, or go out with the guys for a beer and text me every 5 minutes, and, and, and. The list goes on and I am sure I cannot be the only one. Now she has found a group of friends and she goes out at least twice a week. She has regular contact with her exes and her old friends. I have lost all of my old friends because any contact with them has always ended up in an argument so I sacrificed them. A few months ago she found a new job and is now working with friends of mine, all guys including the boss of the company. She is always talking about the boss and how carefree and playfull he is in the office. Now I don't mind her having fun on girls nights. I don't mind her making contact with her ex boyfriends and friends or talking about her boss, our friend, so frequently. What bothers me is that why does she feel it's suddenly ok for her to do all the things she would tear me apart for in the past. I have asked her that question and it just becomes an argument with no answer. Last night was my birthday and she insisted that I go out with the boys, being her boss and another co-worker who is also a mutual friend. They are single and intimated they wanted to take me to a strip club. I hate strip clubs. I have been before and did not enjoy them. I said no way and she insisted that I should go with them. I said it's not my thing and she said"I want you to go. I would also like to go one day" I really do not know what to make of all this. Everything she would kill me for in the past she is almost forcing me into and doing herself. When I got back from the strip club with the two mutual friends and a few other guys we both knew, who were married men with children, I told her that I cannot socialize with married men who are going to a strip club and getting lapdances and going to private rooms. She replied that they are just guys doing guy things and I should loosen up. REALLY? Am I to assume she is just "ok" with married men who she knows, being blatantly unfaithful too their wives. She is also prolific on facebook with sexual type memes. She constantly post sex related "funny" memes and I do not like it. If she was a single woman without children then there is no problem with it, but she is not. Am I overthinking all of this or should I be concerned?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this rant and any advice would be appreciated.

[Arieswoman]

Jason Clark,

I'm afraid this doesn't bode well.

 

Suddenly she's done a 180 degree turn on you and goes out with a group of friends? Are you sure that's where she's going?

 

Time to do a bit of discreet snooping, my friend, such as a VAR in her car.

 

Good luck.

[GoBlue]

These kinds of dramatic changes and the apprehension they have produced in your heart and mind should never be ignored. I firmly believe that marriage is the most important human relationship in the world today. The commitment and covenant that marriage requires should be held in the highest regard. Everything should be done to protect it, nurture it, and expand a husband and wife's love and intimacy. Anything that undercuts marriage should be looked at very closely and steps taken to avoid negative or malicious devices. Have you considered calling a family friendly counselor? Do you have a Pastor whom you can meet with? Have you attempted to sit down with your wife and clearly address your feelings and concerns in a non-threatening or accusative manner? Honest and open communication is the bedrock of marital intimacy and commitment. I have some articles I can refer you to if you would like. Just send me a private message and I will forward something to you. In the mean-time, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Winterina]

That is exactly how I started behaving when I realised I was no longer in love after 7 years of relationship. I no longer loved him as a man, but only as a person.

[No Limit]

You definitely have reason to be concerned. If she hasn't been unfaithful yet it's only a matter of time now.

[toscaroscura]

Cheating aside, I warn you. When I fell out of love with my ex, I just stopped caring. Endless discussions never got anywhere, nothing ever changed and it was almost like a POOF. Love gone. Don't care. Do what you want.

 

So I'm sure, to him, it looked like I finally smartened up and quit griping at him. He might have figured things were better than ever. But they weren't at all.

 

In your post, I see your wife just not caring anymore, and that's a bad sign.

[spanz1]

do not get offended, but your story sounds like your wife is sexier and kinkier than you are, wants to spice up her life a little, and is HOPING you would come back from the strip club in a horny state. Instead, you came back pissing and moaning about the experience.

 

 

It sounds like you two are sexually incompatible, and THAT can easily lead to the demise of your marriage. I suggest some serious counseling, AND an open mind on your part. She is giving you all sorts of hints, and you are oblivious to her efforts to communicate with you

[Jason Clark]

Thank you all so much for your responses. After reading through the replies I have come to realize that many of you are correct. I need to pay more attention to her. I always thought it was enough with foot rubs, laying together and watching movies,etc. I make the excuse that I am always working but maybe it's time to stop with the excuses.

 

This abrupt change has really caught me off-guard. I do not mind the things that she does now. I want her to go out with her friends. She never used too and I always tried to encourage her to do it and enjoy her life. I do not mind any of it...even the strip club bit. Where I am really conflicted is that she is doing absolutely all the things herself that she used to have stand up fights with me about. I can't deal with the hipocrasy. I really do not think she has been unfaithful....or at least I do not want to think that but the seeds have been sown and I cannot get the possibility our of my mind. In the end there is only so much that can be said on the internet without typing down years of experiences.

 

I really need to sit down with her and talk about it open and honestly and just hope that she is completely open and honest about how she feels so that we can work this out together. Either that or I am just being paranoid and I should forget about the whole thing.

[Jason Clark]

do not get offended, but your story sounds like your wife is sexier and kinkier than you are, wants to spice up her life a little, and is HOPING you would come back from the strip club in a horny state. Instead, you came back pissing and moaning about the experience.

 

 

It sounds like you two are sexually incompatible, and THAT can easily lead to the demise of your marriage. I suggest some serious counseling, AND an open mind on your part. She is giving you all sorts of hints, and you are oblivious to her efforts to communicate with you

 

No offence taken Spanz1. We have brilliant sex life. It's better now than it has ever been. I have always been the one trying and suggesting new things. The strip club thing is not really a big deal to me. I do not mind if she goes because I have always trusted her and would never demand anything of her or deny her anything just because I feel a certain way. You may be right though. Maybe I need to turn up the heat a bit.

[understand50]

Thank you all so much for your responses. After reading through the replies I have come to realize that many of you are correct. I need to pay more attention to her. I always thought it was enough with foot rubs, laying together and watching movies,etc. I make the excuse that I am always working but maybe it's time to stop with the excuses.

 

This abrupt change has really caught me off-guard. I do not mind the things that she does now. I want her to go out with her friends. She never used too and I always tried to encourage her to do it and enjoy her life. I do not mind any of it...even the strip club bit. Where I am really conflicted is that she is doing absolutely all the things herself that she used to have stand up fights with me about. I can't deal with the hipocrasy. I really do not think she has been unfaithful....or at least I do not want to think that but the seeds have been sown and I cannot get the possibility our of my mind. In the end there is only so much that can be said on the internet without typing down years of experiences.

 

I really need to sit down with her and talk about it open and honestly and just hope that she is completely open and honest about how she feels so that we can work this out together. Either that or I am just being paranoid and I should forget about the whole thing.

 

 

Yes talking can be a good thing. I would also do a little bit of snooping, to make sure. People change, and I think you should consider that something may have or is beginning to happen. In any case, open communication will help and you should go ahead. Let her know that in some ways she is showing the signs of moving outside the marriage. Let her know she was against you doing the same, and what gives now? She may not think she is. Getting to these things early is key, as IF thing go on, and something happens EA or PA, it is much harder, or imposable, to put back the piece's later.

 

Good luck to you both.

 

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