My Fiance Sometimes Treats Me Like a Child

[rat1687]

My fiancé sometimes treats me like a child. When something is not done to her satisfaction she lectures me like "this is why we do this" "we have to learn to do this" etc. I am a pretty detailed oriented guy, of course I sometimes make mistakes but seldom leave anything undone. I have given her no reason to treat me like a child. Her ex husband was a spineless wonder and very weak willed. I am a normal man and I think I am pretty well balanced. I told her the other day that I would appreciate if she didn't talk to me that way. I feel it is disrespectful. She doesn't agree and exclaimed "That is who I am, That's the way I roll" and told me she did not understand why I felt that way and I shouldn't try to change who she is. She is even thinking of leaving me! All of this after a simple and very politely offered request to show me a little respect. I love her. She is a wonderful woman other than that. Any suggestions????

[d0nnivain]

If she automatically went to I'm thinking of leaving you as a result of this conversation, you may be better off not getting married. Her thinking about leaving you because you asked her to stop treating you like a child is an extreme over reaction. I would do some serious pre-marital work including counseling before walking down the aisle with somebody who does this & has already been divorced once.

[Gaeta]

How long have you been dating?

 

When you're engaged to be married I think you should be passed threatening the other to bail out of the relationship each time a disagreement arises. She sounds very immature and turned toward herself. She sounds like she lacks important qualities to be in a marriage.

[Keenly]

This behavior will only escalate and get worse as time goes On.

 

Go read stories from men who's wives condescending to them and see how well their marriages worked out.

[Villainous]

"That's the way I roll"

 

Really? Maybe she needs to "roll" alone then. No surprise her previous marriage failed. She has an attitude problem. Let her go, and understand you just dodged a bullet.

[anika99]

A marriage to this woman is going to turn into a nightmare for you.

 

 

She has shown you that she doesn't care how you feel and that she will punish you if you try to honestly express your feelings to her. I can't believe that she is threatening to leave you because simply because you asked her to talk to you respectfully. There's either a lot more to this story or your fiancé is just a huge b*tch.

[rat1687]

It will be really sad if we can't work it out. I've have known her most of my life. We dated in high school and college. We are both in our forties and divorced when we hooked up again. It has really been awesome until now. I am in shock really. I believe I am standing on sane and firm ground. This sounds a little trite.. but if it falls apart it will be her fault. I will be heart broken but I will not feel sorry for myself. I will feel sorry for her. I really will.

[Redhead14]

My fiancé sometimes treats me like a child. When something is not done to her satisfaction she lectures me like "this is why we do this" "we have to learn to do this" etc. I am a pretty detailed oriented guy, of course I sometimes make mistakes but seldom leave anything undone. I have given her no reason to treat me like a child. Her ex husband was a spineless wonder and very weak willed. I am a normal man and I think I am pretty well balanced. I told her the other day that I would appreciate if she didn't talk to me that way. I feel it is disrespectful. She doesn't agree and exclaimed "That is who I am, That's the way I roll" and told me she did not understand why I felt that way and I shouldn't try to change who she is. She is even thinking of leaving me! All of this after a simple and very politely offered request to show me a little respect. I love her. She is a wonderful woman other than that. Any suggestions????

 

She thinks you are trying to change her because you've expressed your dislike for something she's doing and considering leaving you? That is not a mature way to deal with "issues" in a relationship. Engagement is the period in which you are committed to working on things that need to be addressed prior to marriage so that that transition will be smooth. It's not just another stage of the relationship where the option to bail can and should be exercised if there are insurmountable issues. By the time you are engaged, there shouldn't be any "deal breakers" anymore. The couple should have had good/quality communication about those kinds of things before you get to this point. Things that come up now should be "smaller" things and worked on mutually.

 

She is obligated to respect your feelings at this point and to at least make an attempt to change that behavior with you. If she is taking such a hard line relative to making any change and threatening to leave, I'd call her bluff. Tell her that you love and respect her and the relationship and that you do not deserve to be treated like a child and won't tolerate it. Tell her that this is something that should be worked out mutually as a couple. If it's so difficult for her to respect you that leaving is her only option, then tell her to take some time to think about it all and give you a decision in a week or two tops.

 

If this is the way she's going to deal with other issues that may come up in the future, i.e. my way or the highway, it's not gonna be a good marriage. She'll hold it hostage to get her way all the time.

 

That being said, "Her ex husband was a spineless wonder and very weak willed". The way she's handling this situation with you indicates a very rigid and controlling attitude from her. He may not have started out this way. He may have simply been worn down by her and became ambivalent in the relationship over time.

 

How long have you been in this relationship and what are dynamics surrounding this particular situation?

[writergal]

My fiancé sometimes treats me like a child. When something is not done to her satisfaction she lectures me like "this is why we do this" "we have to learn to do this" etc.

 

She sounds very controlling and rigid. My ex-bf was the exact same way with me. For instance, when I would be cooking dinner he would micromanage me to the point where 80% of the time I'd just walk away and tell him, "you finish dinner since the way I do it isn't good enough for you."

 

I am a pretty detailed oriented guy, of course I sometimes make mistakes but seldom leave anything undone. I have given her no reason to treat me like a child. Her ex husband was a spineless wonder and very weak willed. I am a normal man and I think I am pretty well balanced.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect...except your fiance in her own eyes, from the sound of it. Don't let her behavior undermine your self-esteem. Her treatment of you is not an accurate reflection of who you are as a person. Remember that.

 

I told her the other day that I would appreciate if she didn't talk to me that way. I feel it is disrespectful. She doesn't agree and exclaimed "That is who I am, That's the way I roll" and told me she did not understand why I felt that way and I shouldn't try to change who she is. She is even thinking of leaving me!

 

She is wrong to constantly belittle you. Her rude and authoritative behavior are red flags. I agree with you that she is extremely disrespectful. In fact, I'd go so far as to call her behavior abusive. Look at her response to you, "that is who I am. That's the way I roll." She just told you everything you need to know about her right there. Do you want to marry this woman, knowing that it will be a lifetime of her berating, patronizing, and abusing you until she breaks your spirit?

 

She claims she doesn't understand why you feel that way? Wow. Talk about denial. Abusers like her lack real self-awareness and empathy for other people. Let her leave you. She'd do you a favor. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who constantly verbally abuses you, who wants to destroy your self-esteem until you become completely dependent on her emotionally and psychologically like her ex-husband did.

 

 

All of this after a simple and very politely offered request to show me a little respect. I love her. She is a wonderful woman other than that. Any suggestions????

 

I have a hard time believing she's that wonderful, based on the fact that her goal seems to be want total control over you. In her view, change isn't about her, it's about you. She wants YOU to change to suit HER needs, because she is perfect and you're not in her eyes.

 

My suggestion would be to walk away from this woman and your relationship because it's only going to get worse. She's told you that she isn't going to change. Believe her.

 

She probably has some real issues with men, hence her need to have power over them psychologically and emotionally. Don't expect her to take any responsibility with her behavior if she hasn't (or won't) already.

 

Walk away. For your own mental health's sake.

[rat1687]

Thank you so much for your input redhead. The first thing I want to do is examine myself and make sure that I am not in the wrong in any way. The input of others helps me to do that. We dated in high school and college and have been back together for 7 months now. I have always known that she was strong willed but I knew I was strong enough to handle her if we would just reason together and always have good communication. I have bended some and changed some things to make her happy, I believe that there has to be some give and take in any successful relationship but it can never be one sided. Two adults MUST respect each other to really love each other. If she refuses to show any amount of respect and has no "give" on her end then I guess I will have my ultimate answer. If she is willing to truly work on things I will be too including counseling.

[rat1687]

Thanks writer gal. My last marriage (totally un-related reasons and truly beyond my control) threw me into a major depression for the first time in my life. I am full recovered and strong now. I can not allow anyone to trample on me when I know I did nothing to deserve it. I am willing to work on things/counseling etc. I will not give up my manhood for anybody. I am meek in character but strong in spirit. I believe that that is the healthy way to live. If it truly becomes "my way or the highway" I will jump in my hot rod and go to the next gal. I am a hopeless/helpless romantic and I know I have a lot to give. She has to be out there somewhere???

[writergal]

Thanks writer gal. My last marriage (totally un-related reasons and truly beyond my control) threw me into a major depression for the first time in my life. I am full recovered and strong now. I can not allow anyone to trample on me when I know I did nothing to deserve it. I am willing to work on things/counseling etc. I will not give up my manhood for anybody. I am meek in character but strong in spirit. I believe that that is the healthy way to live. If it truly becomes "my way or the highway" I will jump in my hot rod and go to the next gal. I am a hopeless/helpless romantic and I know I have a lot to give. She has to be out there somewhere???

 

She is. She's not the woman that you're currently with. She won't change, even if you drag her to counseling. People like her are cemented in their belief system that it's "their way or the highway." My ex-bf's family is completely normal, yet in his eyes, made him their scapegoat. I think that's why he became such a controlling, manipulative, rigid person especially with women. And in retrospect, I'm glad he cheated on me with his now 2nd wife because the thought of spending a lifetime underneath his thumb, "my way is right, your way is wrong Writergal" would be miserable.

 

It sounds like she wore down her first husband, poor guy. I think her actions with him and now with you are pure selfishness. Until she faces whatever her own issues are that cause her to act this abusively with men, her relationships will continue to fail, because she won't stop her bad behavior.

 

Think about this. Do you really want to marry her, someone who always calls the shots, who is never impressed enough with what you do for her? Is that your idea of 'love'?

[rat1687]

Writer gal you have much wisdom and experience. Thank you so much for sharing. I am afraid you are probably right. We'll find out this weekend. It is so sad when one mate is so insecure that they have to control the other. It is not strength. It is weakness. I can not stand men who control and/or abuse women ( I am from Texas so I would just as soon take them out back and shoot them LOL) but I understand that sometimes women can be just as bad. It is so sad!

[writergal]

Writer gal you have much wisdom and experience. Thank you so much for sharing. I am afraid you are probably right. We'll find out this weekend. It is so sad when one mate is so insecure that they have to control the other. It is not strength. It is weakness. I can not stand men who control and/or abuse women ( I am from Texas so I would just as soon take them out back and shoot them LOL) but I understand that sometimes women can be just as bad. It is so sad!

 

Exactly! Hopefully she will come around and see the error of her ways with you, but I wouldn't hold your breath that she does. And I Lol'd about your shooting comment because I totally agree with you. It is sad, yes!

[mandymor]

My fiancé sometimes treats me like a child. When something is not done to her satisfaction she lectures me like "this is why we do this" "we have to learn to do this" etc.

 

Her ex husband was a spineless wonder and very weak willed.

 

I told her the other day that I would appreciate if she didn't talk to me that way. I feel it is disrespectful. She doesn't agree and exclaimed "That is who I am, That's the way I roll" and told me she did not understand why I felt that way and I shouldn't try to change who she is.

 

She is even thinking of leaving me!

 

It sounds like she's used to getting what she wants and having things her way. You have two options let her go or stand and fight. When she says stuff like "this is why we do this" "we have to learn to do this", I would call her on it and respond "Well this is how I do it and if you don't like it do it yourself." Then see how she responds.

 

Her ex-husband might have been like that or she turned him into that and she trying to do the same to you. You need to take a stand and make her show you the respect you deserve. If she pull that I'm thinking of leaving you crap, then tell her there's the door. You're going to have to put on a strong front in order to truly get her attention.

 

It's a win-win situation. If she does leave you can find someone that will respect you and treat you like you should be treated. If she stays, she's going to have to fall in line and show respect.

[rat1687]

Good points Mandymor. Really the only way for me to lose is to let her get away with it and go on to live life under her thumb. I would say the board has been quite unanimous in their replies. Thanks for sharing!

[norajane]

Thank you so much for your input redhead. The first thing I want to do is examine myself and make sure that I am not in the wrong in any way. The input of others helps me to do that. We dated in high school and college and have been back together for 7 months now. I have always known that she was strong willed but I knew I was strong enough to handle her if we would just reason together and always have good communication. I have bended some and changed some things to make her happy, I believe that there has to be some give and take in any successful relationship but it can never be one sided. Two adults MUST respect each other to really love each other. If she refuses to show any amount of respect and has no "give" on her end then I guess I will have my ultimate answer. If she is willing to truly work on things I will be too including counseling.

 

7 months of dating and you are already engaged??

 

You are moving way too fast into marriage with someone you don't really know, as you are now discovering. Yeah, you dated 20 years ago, but neither of you are the same people you were back then.

 

Is she the one describing her ex as spineless and weak willed? If so, that's how she'll be speaking of you one day, too.

 

You seem really eager to find love, romance and marriage. That's exactly when people make stupid mistakes, like committing their life to a person who is throwing out serious red flags.

[rat1687]

Thanks for the input norajane. Perhaps we did move a little too fast even though we have known each other all this time. Once I put the ring on her finger things began to be revealed that were not evident before. It was like she switched a gear. I am willing to cool our heals a little and work through this IF she is willing. She has called her ex husband weak and spineless. I think he was too, but now the question is how did he really get to that point? I have to face the fact that if she does not want to respect me and my feelings then she never really loved me in the first place. I am going to find out this weekend,

[LuckyLady13]

Rat, I love your Texas attitude! I think it's awesome.

 

I think I know where this is going though. People have great insight, great advice but when it comes down to making the best decisions for ourselves, none of us are emotionless robots and even if great advice for you right now is to forget her and find someone less controlling, that doesn't mean that's what you're going to do.

 

With that in mind, you can't change her but you can change your response to her.

 

I'm not sure at this point she knows what she's doing very consciously. She may have realized her ex was weak willed but may not be so clear as to her part in that situation. And pointing it out to her does little good.

 

I think, if you're staying with her, your best bet is when she treats you like a child, respond like an adult.

[writergal]

Thanks for the input norajane. Perhaps we did move a little too fast even though we have known each other all this time. Once I put the ring on her finger things began to be revealed that were not evident before. It was like she switched a gear. I am willing to cool our heals a little and work through this IF she is willing. She has called her ex husband weak and spineless. I think he was too, but now the question is how did he really get to that point? I have to face the fact that if she does not want to respect me and my feelings then she never really loved me in the first place. I am going to find out this weekend,

 

Hey rat1687, I came across this website and some of the 10 signs definitely seem to fit your fiance.

 

1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

 

Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.

 

2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

 

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

 

Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.

 

3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

 

Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.

 

4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

 

Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.

 

5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.

 

Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.

 

Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

 

6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bull****, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.

 

Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.

 

7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

 

Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.

 

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

 

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

 

9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.

 

Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.

 

10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.

 

Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.

 

You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.

 

Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Sounds like she needs to be in a: FLR or FLM.

[Fleur de cactus]

"That is who I am, That's the way I roll"

 

My-goodness!! when is she going to grow up? "That is who I am" is not an answer in relationship. I am sure after your marriage things will be worst. In every relationship renegotiation of values and identities is very important. She has to accept that there are things she should change as you can do the same. But "that is who I am" is very immature. She is training you to follow without questioning. Last relationship I had was like that. I tried to show him what was wrong; he did not even want to listen and his response was " that is who I am , you have to accept it" Guess what! I told him that I dont have to accept it and I ended the relationship.

[writergal]

"That is who I am, That's the way I roll"

 

My-goodness!! when is she going to grow up? "That is who I am" is not an answer in relationship. I am sure after your marriage things will be worst. In every relationship renegotiation of values and identities is very important. She has to accept that there are things she should change as you can do the same. But "that is who I am" is very immature. She is training you to follow without questioning. Last relationship I had was like that. I tried to show him what was wrong; he did not even want to listen and his response was " that is who I am , you have to accept it" Guess what! I told him that I dont have to accept it and I ended the relationship.

 

^Totally agree with you Fleur. I see her doing this to the OP too. And good for you Fleur for being strong enough to walk away from that relationship. He sounds like he was a real bully!

[preraph]

You've known her so long that her beginning to do this now makes me think she has some things that she does want to work on before marrying you that she knows she'll need your cooperation in. My guess is she's been biting her tongue and now knows you'll be depending on each other and tied for life, so she wants to close whatever gaps there are. You didn't say what she was talking about. Is it housework? Is she trying to get you to do some housework? I honestly didn't find what she said at all abrasive. But I do agree you don't want to get into a parent/child relationship with her. As long as you are willing to pitch in with her 50/50 on chores and things, then that isn't the problem and the problem is you don't like her telling you how to do something or that you must do it. So that's a communication problem. I think you should suggest you start premarital counseling now and learn some skills on how to communicate and in this neutral setting, get all your issues out on the table and work on them.

[Itspointless]

Is she the one describing her ex as spineless and weak willed? If so, that's how she'll be speaking of you one day, too.

^^^^^^ this!