I want to save my relationship

[burgily]

Hello I am 22 years old and so his my boyfriend we have a 3 year old son together and have been living together since we were 18.

as most relationships and new young parents we had a rocky start , it was violent , toxic , he woundnt pay attention to me and numberous times put his hands on me..I cheated on him with a loser that i regret. and i left . i moved out . during our 1 year break from eachother I saw other people , Im not sure if he did , he never told me.. We started talking again and spending time together with our son the 3 of us and made us want to have our family back, we missed eachother and eventually dec 2014 we ended up getting back together.I moved back in.

 

Everything was peachy at first , our sex life and emotional relationship was great..We were getting along. As time progressed we would fight about money , me having to work/be a mom/wife / cook clean etc. and him not helping. We both gained some weight and he actually took initiaive and got a gym membership , I used the i dont have time excuse.. My insecurities have gotten the best of me , that Im angry that Im fat , that i havent finished school , that i dont take the time to do little things for myself like do my nails or wear cute clothes. that I make any little issue we have into a huge deal. I start insulting him , and comparing him to guys from my past.in really low ways.. I **** up by sayign those things.. He never talks to me that way.. He tells me why im at his house and to just leave if im so unhappy... I dont want to keep runing back to my moms house....I want my son to have both parents and I want to be him, I love him I just say things to "win" the argument shortly realizing I dindt win ****..

 

Yesterday we had a huge fight about our phone bill and i gave him back the phone he got me saying i would go start my line on my own at another company...

Once again that spun out of control yelling screaming cursing , me again with the comparisons and name calling..

We eventually went to bed. I went through his phone and I looked @ his search engine on Facebook and noticed he had alot of "KIMBERLY'S" as if he was going through different pages of girls with the name Kimberly , as if he was looking for somoeone...

 

Initially it didnt bug me , i dont know why? Perhaps because i have done worse, or ive looked for ex's and guys myself.???..

 

I asked him he said what do i care? I looked for ex's i bring it up in his face and that him and i havent been acting or being a couple for a while now...we dont talk much we hardly have sex...hes right.

 

I told him i need to know so i dont waste my time.. yelling he says no im not seeing anyone and if i was who cares, i dont want you here ... and then went to work.

 

I just want to know how to fix or get passed this, should i just not talk to him for a few days, ? apologize when i get home? (he'll blow me off )..write him a later stating how i feel?..help please..anyone who can relate or give some advice from either perspective.. thank you

[Redhead14]

Hello I am 22 years old and so his my boyfriend we have a 3 year old son together and have been living together since we were 18.

as most relationships and new young parents we had a rocky start , it was violent , toxic , he woundnt pay attention to me and numberous times put his hands on me..I cheated on him with a loser that i regret. and i left . i moved out . during our 1 year break from eachother I saw other people , Im not sure if he did , he never told me.. We started talking again and spending time together with our son the 3 of us and made us want to have our family back, we missed eachother and eventually dec 2014 we ended up getting back together.I moved back in.

 

Everything was peachy at first , our sex life and emotional relationship was great..We were getting along. As time progressed we would fight about money , me having to work/be a mom/wife / cook clean etc. and him not helping. We both gained some weight and he actually took initiaive and got a gym membership , I used the i dont have time excuse.. My insecurities have gotten the best of me , that Im angry that Im fat , that i havent finished school , that i dont take the time to do little things for myself like do my nails or wear cute clothes. that I make any little issue we have into a huge deal. I start insulting him , and comparing him to guys from my past.in really low ways.. I **** up by sayign those things.. He never talks to me that way.. He tells me why im at his house and to just leave if im so unhappy... I dont want to keep runing back to my moms house....I want my son to have both parents and I want to be him, I love him I just say things to "win" the argument shortly realizing I dindt win ****..

 

Yesterday we had a huge fight about our phone bill and i gave him back the phone he got me saying i would go start my line on my own at another company...

Once again that spun out of control yelling screaming cursing , me again with the comparisons and name calling..

We eventually went to bed. I went through his phone and I looked @ his search engine on Facebook and noticed he had alot of "KIMBERLY'S" as if he was going through different pages of girls with the name Kimberly , as if he was looking for somoeone...

 

Initially it didnt bug me , i dont know why? Perhaps because i have done worse, or ive looked for ex's and guys myself.???..

 

I asked him he said what do i care? I looked for ex's i bring it up in his face and that him and i havent been acting or being a couple for a while now...we dont talk much we hardly have sex...hes right.

 

I told him i need to know so i dont waste my time.. yelling he says no im not seeing anyone and if i was who cares, i dont want you here ... and then went to work.

 

I just want to know how to fix or get passed this, should i just not talk to him for a few days, ? apologize when i get home? (he'll blow me off )..write him a later stating how i feel?..help please..anyone who can relate or give some advice from either perspective.. thank you

 

The title of this thread shouldn't be "I want to save my relationship", it should be "I want to save my 3 year old son from having a dysfunctional family history and childhood" -- If you approach this with his welfare in mind and your boyfriend does that too, it should be easier to do.

 

I would let some time pass for now and then when things have gotten back to "normal", I would sit down with your boyfriend and highlight the importance of dealing effectively with the issues at hand for the sake of the child.

 

We both gained some weight and he actually took initiaive and got a gym membership , I used the i dont have time excuse.. My insecurities have gotten the best of me , that Im angry that Im fat , that i havent finished school , that i dont take the time to do little things for myself like do my nails or wear cute clothes. that I make any little issue we have into a huge deal. I start insulting him , and comparing him to guys from my past.in really low ways.. I **** up by sayign those things.

 

Make the effort to work on yourself and stop making excuses. Until you start getting a grip on those negative things you bring to the relationship, he's not gonna want to make an effort either.

 

Start being the woman he was originally attracted to. Stop being mired in negativity. Be a supportive partner. If there are money troubles, dig in deeper. Create a budget and stick to it. When your behavior changes and, if he is still invested in the relationship, he will begin to mirror that. You can't change him, you can change yourself. And, do it for you and your child first, then for the relationship.

[Gary S]

You need to tone down the fights for one thing... I know, easy to say, hard to do.... but nobody can make you argue... you have to try to hold your tongue or talk calmly, go to another room, something.... some couples just talk things out calmly. having some extra space would be helpful too... a spare room, the backyard, or moms house, try to spend more time alone.

 

Searching on Spacebook for a girl does not mean much - if he's busy with you, he can't be elsewhere, so chances of him meeting someone are low. Talk is cheap (internet stuff), actions scream (where he spends his time).

 

I would definitely recommend counseling too. It's tough to be young and have a child and to be living together 24/7 Bu you can do it, others have.

 

I hope people would refrain from just telling her to breakup. Let's try to save this one for the child's sake.

Edited June 11, 2015 by Gary S

[burgily]

The title of this thread shouldn't be "I want to save my relationship", it should be "I want to save my 3 year old son from having a dysfunctional family history and childhood" -- If you approach this with his welfare in mind and your boyfriend does that too, it should be easier to do.

 

I would let some time pass for now and then when things have gotten back to "normal", I would sit down with your boyfriend and highlight the importance of dealing effectively with the issues at hand for the sake of the child.

 

We both gained some weight and he actually took initiaive and got a gym membership , I used the i dont have time excuse.. My insecurities have gotten the best of me , that Im angry that Im fat , that i havent finished school , that i dont take the time to do little things for myself like do my nails or wear cute clothes. that I make any little issue we have into a huge deal. I start insulting him , and comparing him to guys from my past.in really low ways.. I **** up by sayign those things.

 

Make the effort to work on yourself and stop making excuses. Until you start getting a grip on those negative things you bring to the relationship, he's not gonna want to make an effort either.

 

Start being the woman he was originally attracted to. Stop being mired in negativity. Be a supportive partner. If there are money troubles, dig in deeper. Create a budget and stick to it. When your behavior changes and, if he is still invested in the relationship, he will begin to mirror that. You can't change him, you can change yourself. And, do it for you and your child first, then for the relationship.

Thank you

Your words really resignated with me.. My child should be first and whats best for him.

I should stop complaining and actually get up and do more, more for myself more for my son and be supportive.

 

I will let things cool off and just carry on. as things progress hopefully we can both talk calmly and work things out

I dont want to fail as a parent I want to try my hardest to make sure my son and i are great.

.. As for the whole kimberly thing should i ask him once were calm? not bring it up at all?...

Thank you.. you were so much help. you made me see what the bigger picture really is.

[burgily]

You need to tone down the fights for one thing... I know, easy to say, hard to do.... but nobody can make you argue... you have to try to hold your tongue or talk calmly, go to another room, something.... some couples just talk things out calmly. having some extra space would be helpful too... a spare room, the backyard, or moms house, try to spend more time alone.

 

Searching on Spacebook for a girl does not mean much - if he's busy with you, he can't be elsewhere, so chances of him meeting someone are low. Talk is cheap (internet stuff), actions scream (where he spends his time).

 

I would definitely recommend counseling too. It's tough to be young and have a child and to be living together 24/7 Bu you can do it, others have.

 

I hope people would refrain from just telling her to breakup. Let's try to save this one for the child's sake.

Thank you Gary , he works all day comes home and then goes to the gym ... i guess my first intial thought was it was someone he mmet there or someone from the past ... but he is a great father and a great guy..The fighting and yelling should definelty be toned down.. taking a 10 sec breather could really help to avoid such things.

[Gary S]

Thank you Gary , he works all day comes home and then goes to the gym ... i guess my first intial thought was it was someone he mmet there or someone from the past ... .

 

- And don't think I am insensitive... talking to or looking at other women is bad, it can feel like cheating.... however, as I said, talk is cheap.... if he's not actually meeting a girl one-on-one like a date, nothing is ever going to happen. I hope this helps.

 

 

The fighting and yelling should definelty be toned down.. taking a 10 sec breather could really help to avoid such things.

 

- yes, you have the right idea.

[Redhead14]

Thank you

Your words really resignated with me.. My child should be first and whats best for him.

I should stop complaining and actually get up and do more, more for myself more for my son and be supportive.

 

I will let things cool off and just carry on. as things progress hopefully we can both talk calmly and work things out

I dont want to fail as a parent I want to try my hardest to make sure my son and i are great.

.. As for the whole kimberly thing should i ask him once were calm? not bring it up at all?...

Thank you.. you were so much help. you made me see what the bigger picture really is.

 

I thought you just needed a little kick in the rear You are a strong woman and really, you are the backbone of the family. Make that your source of pride while working on the things you're unhappy with, one at a time. Don't try to do everything at once. For now, take a little time to spruce up, put on make up every day now. Even that little bit will make you start feeling a little better and fresher. While he is at work one day, collect the billls and stuff and make a budget suggestion. When he's in a better mood and not too tired, then you sit down with him so he can see you're being proactive and cooperative.

 

I would leave the Kimberly thing alone for a bit. Get things on track with the relationship and then observe his behavior and other actions to see if he gives you more reasons to be suspicious. Right now you won't be able to tell by his behavior necessarily because so much other stuff is going on. Take it apart one step at a time. If he simply considering cheating, that may go away when he see that you are trying to change things. You don't have enough to make an accusation right now.

[Gary S]

Listen to Redhead also, you can't go wrong with her advice.

[burgily]

@REDHEAD14 Thank you , thank you for giving me the source of confidence that i should see in myself everyday. for disecting the little that i wrote and being understanding. I dont have alot of friends so i wasnt sure where to go about this , but im glad i had the guts to write this article in a place full of strangers , and fortunately i received tons of help..

 

I should leave the kimberly thing alone.. Im not in a place to go and point fingers where i have done the same.which he knows.. maybe its karma? or a scare telling me to get my **** togther and not get to comfortable.

But again thank you so much for helping me open my eyes and mind wider into realizing that there could be hope. and as long as I try my best and i change myself for the betterthings could be okay.. Everything else his choices his decisions are out of my control.. But i hope we will be okay for the sake of our baby boy, and for myself and our little family.

[burgily]

Listen to Redhead also, you can't go wrong with her advice.

Yes , the both of you have gave me so much insight from an outside perspective , so much of a lift to just keep staying positive , and really not being so insecure about myself..Thank you i came into work upset and just plain sad , but when i get home i will have a fresher more calm feel about the situation and just let things be for a sec and time will tell.

[Satu]

You both need to stop using violent and toxic speech.

 

If you have issues in the relationship that need addressing, you won't resolve them by insulting and hurting each other.

 

You're doing that instead of addressing the issues.

 

It's a cop out; a way of avoiding dealing with the issues.

 

Stop the verbal violence, and communicate instead.

Edited June 11, 2015 by Satu

[Redhead14]

Burgily:

 

There is a book I'd recommend you read. It's called the Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It talks about the relationship between a man and a woman in long term relationships and how unresolved issues and anger affects the relationship over time.

 

While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless. It's worth a read.

 

One reason I think you should read it is that it also discusses the point at which a woman or a man starts to change the role he or she has been playing in terms of handling conflict or the approach they'd been using. Sometimes the person making the change, although they are doing things better and proactively, will observe that the partner is or becomes somewhat distant for a while or even resisting the change. The reason for this is simply that, things are changing. So I just want to give you a heads up that, while you making these changes and may feel like it's not going the way you'd hoped in the beginning, try to encourage yourself to stick with it.

[Trishern]

I'm not sure getting back together was a good idea for the two of you. You were both young at the start and it doesn't seem as though much has changed.

 

 

OP,

 

 

You need to make time to work on yourself, but most importantly, make it a safe environment for your son. Little children can pick up on hostile environments.

 

 

• stop shouting at you BF
  
• start working on your anger
  
• start working on your physical self
  
• besides wanting the family together, ask yourself if you really love him. Is he the one for you, or is it just because he's the father of your son?
  
• create a happier home for your son
  

 

If you didn't have a child together is he pretty much all you really want in a man,

 

 

 

 

It doesn't sound good , him saying he doesn't want you there. If you don't make him happy, that's how he's going to feel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mrs. Trishern