Wife Claims abuse but...

[Lizardracing]

What does one do when the wife claims emotional abuse and makes up things to prove too her self and her friends she is right? These things she attempts to prove are actually exaggerations of what really happened. How does a husband respond to allegations of extreme abuse when my perspective of the "proof" she has are indeed delusional representations? For example, She finds things around the house and takes a picture of them and tells her friends and family I got so mad that I broke something like the back door handle.(It had been cracked a long time anyway. It's was $20 to replace and took me 15 minutes) She blames me for things like dents in the walls the kitchen chairs make when the kids aren't careful enough. She claims I get mad and slam the chairs around when I don't like what she cooked.(I have very specific dietary needs and can't eat most of what she like to cook). She tells others I get so mad I have to leave the house and when I go to my work shop and slam stuff around a while breaking and destroying everything.( It's a metal workshop, it normal to make noise nor was I mad when I went out ther). She accuses me of throwing things around the house if something falls off a table the kids put down or like the time I dropped a sippy cup carrying dishes to the kitchen. She says I got mad and broke the all the dishes when I sat a bowl down into the sink stacked with other dirty dishes and the pile fell over in the sink. Nothing was actually broken at all. All these are just some of the examples of this daily abuse thing. I feel her "reality" if off or somehow warped because of her gross overreaction to things. She claims its emotional abuse by me and gets a ton of sympathy for it too from her friends and family.

When I try to defend my self she blurts out things like "My counselors said that you would say that!"

I asked her the other night during calm conversation why she would still be with me for X number of years if she realy felt abused and her answer was "I can't believe your making this all my fault!" and then hurriedly picks up the kids and locks her self into the bedroom call's her mom and tells her that I gotten abusive again and she and the kids aren't safe.

Do I have a choice but to end the marriage at this point? Is there a way to get through to her?

Edited June 11, 2015 by Lizardracing

[Got it]

I would see a lawyer very soon and carry a VAR at all times. She is building quite a case against you and I would be very worried. I would follow the attorney's advice and I would definitely divorce. She is not safe for you!

[autumnnight]

What does one do when the wife claims emotional abuse and makes up things to prove too her self and her friends she is right? These things she attempts to prove are actually exaggerations of what really happened. How does a husband respond to allegations of extreme abuse when my perspective of the "proof" she has are indeed delusional representations?

 

For example, She finds things around the house and takes a picture of them and tells her friends and family I got so mad that I broke something like the back door handle.(It had been cracked a long time anyway. It's was $20 to replace and took me 15 minutes)

 

Regrding the italicized does that mean she lied and said you broke it, or you DID break it "but it had been cracked for a long time anyway." If you didn't break it, that is a false accusation. If you did break it, then it really doesn't matter if it was cracked anyway - you lost control. Bad.

 

She blames me for things like dents in the walls the kitchen chairs make when the kids aren't careful enough. She claims I get mad and slam the chairs around when I don't like what she cooked.(I have very specific dietary needs and can't eat most of what she like to cook).

 

Again, DID you slam things and dent things, or is she lying? Even with dietary restrictions, there is no need to slam.

 

 

She tells others I get so mad I have to leave the house and when I go to my work shop and slam stuff around a while breaking and destroying everything.( It's a metal workshop, it normal to make noise nor was I mad when I went out ther). She accuses me of throwing things around the house if something falls off a table the kids put down or like the time I dropped a sippy cup carrying dishes to the kitchen. She says I got mad and broke the all the dishes when I sat a bowl down into the sink stacked with other dirty dishes and the pile fell over in the sink. Nothing was actually broken at all. All these are just some of the examples of this daily abuse thing. I feel her "reality" if off or somehow warped because of her gross overreaction to things. She claims its emotional abuse by me and gets a ton of sympathy for it too from her friends and family.

 

 

When I try to defend my self she blurts out things like "My counselors said that you would say that!"

 

If all these things are lies, then this is a big red flag. There are counselors (usually female ones) who basically have the philosophy that if a woman says her feelings were hurt, it is abuse. That isn't the definition of abuse.

 

I asked her the other night during calm conversation why she would still be with me for X number of years if she realy felt abused and her answer was "I can't believe your making this all my fault!" and then hurriedly picks up the kids and locks her self into the bedroom call's her mom and tells her that I gotten abusive again and she and the kids aren't safe.

 

If this is the whole of the conversation, it sounds like she has some issues that need to be addressed.

 

Do I have a choice but to end the marriage at this point? Is there a way to get through to her?

 

If you DO end the marriage (well, whether you do or not) I would recommend carrying around a VAR every time you are with her and record conversations. For your protection.

[Lizardracing]

The back door had a small crack in the handle and a screw that wouldn't stay tight because of worn out threads since we moved in ten years ago. It was gonna break eventually anyway as the door doesn't open or close to easily or at least its not ever been super smooth because the tracks are messed up a little from installation by the original builder. My extent of the knowledge is that I woke up one morning and got grilled for getting mad and breaking it somehow. I"m pretty sure had I broke it I would remember the handle coming off in my hand. I don't know if it's a lie or if she really does think I did it. The problem is perception here. Even if I were mad but in control of myself then I opened the back door to let out the dog as I normally would and it broke then anyone would assume I did it even if that's not the facts. It would be the natural knee jerk reaction to most people I think. I personally feel she has used this as another way to manipulate and it just happens to be very convenient for her.

 

To explain a little more about frustrations. I believe it too be true that everyone has a perception about any given subject. Too explain this better I will use a 1-10 scale. If my frustration/anger level feels like a 2 to me its a 10 to her. If it's feels like a to me, it's a ten to her. If it's a 1 it's a 10 to her. It's become apparent that no matter what I feel it's a 10 to her and she claims its emotional abuse.

 

I'll agree the counselor she is seeing isn't respected in the field around here at all because of that exact thing. That's 's the exact reason I stopped attending the MC sessions with then when they both teamed up against me and began pushing the idea of mood leveling drugs to control me. Interestingly the only two people in the world I'd guess who think that as I'm actually pretty laid back and easy going.

 

No reason for VAR as I live in a No Fault County so it doesn't really matter what she says or does it's straight 50\50 to the penny on everything.

 

Thanks for answering. I decided what I must do, It's best for all parties involved.

[autumnnight]

The back door had a small crack in the handle and a screw that wouldn't stay tight because of worn out threads since we moved in ten years ago. It was gonna break eventually anyway as the door doesn't open or close to easily or at least its not ever been super smooth because the tracks are messed up a little from installation by the original builder. My extent of the knowledge is that I woke up one morning and got grilled for getting mad and breaking it somehow. I"m pretty sure had I broke it I would remember the handle coming off in my hand. I don't know if it's a lie or if she really does think I did it. The problem is perception here. Even if I were mad but in control of myself then I opened the back door to let out the dog as I normally would and it broke then anyone would assume I did it even if that's not the facts. It would be the natural knee jerk reaction to most people I think. I personally feel she has used this as another way to manipulate and it just happens to be very convenient for her.

 

To explain a little more about frustrations. I believe it too be true that everyone has a perception about any given subject. Too explain this better I will use a 1-10 scale. If my frustration/anger level feels like a 2 to me its a 10 to her. If it's feels like a to me, it's a ten to her. If it's a 1 it's a 10 to her. It's become apparent that no matter what I feel it's a 10 to her and she claims its emotional abuse.

 

I'll agree the counselor she is seeing isn't respected in the field around here at all because of that exact thing. That's 's the exact reason I stopped attending the MC sessions with then when they both teamed up against me and began pushing the idea of mood leveling drugs to control me. Interestingly the only two people in the world I'd guess who think that as I'm actually pretty laid back and easy going.

 

No reason for VAR as I live in a No Fault County so it doesn't really matter what she says or does it's straight 50\50 to the penny on everything.

 

Thanks for answering. I decided what I must do, It's best for all parties involved.

 

The VAR isn't about money. It is about her saying you are abusive and you getting stuck with a restraining order, protective order, or arrest.

 

And don't be politically correct and talk about "perception." You know if you closed the door hard enough in anger to break it. Tapdancing will not serve you.

 

My initial thought was that your wife was overly sensitive and her therapist was fuleing the fire. I'll be honest, your inability to actually answer yes or no now has me wondering, so I'm going to ask some more yes or no questions:

 

Do you yell?

Do you ever throw things?

Do you ever slam doors or items when angry?

[turnera]

Just buy the recorder. Keep it in your pocket. Any time you're around her, record. Save the recordings, some place other than home. And let her KNOW you're recording - that in itself may be enough to stop the accusations. And if it isn't, if she does call the cops on you (and it seems to be leading to that), you can just pull out the recordings of said event and play them for the cops. Stays off your record.

 

That said, barring a mental condition on her part, there is SOMEthing going on in your relationship. I don't know you, but when a woman sees a 10 when a man sees a 1, there's usually a good reason for it.

 

You may want to ask some other person to come over and hang out at your house for a week or so to watch the dynamics, and give you an unbiased opinion.

[viciouscircle]

The back door had a small crack in the handle and a screw that wouldn't stay tight because of worn out threads since we moved in ten years ago. It was gonna break eventually anyway as the door doesn't open or close to easily or at least its not ever been super smooth because the tracks are messed up a little from installation by the original builder. My extent of the knowledge is that I woke up one morning and got grilled for getting mad and breaking it somehow. I"m pretty sure had I broke it I would remember the handle coming off in my hand. I don't know if it's a lie or if she really does think I did it. The problem is perception here. Even if I were mad but in control of myself then I opened the back door to let out the dog as I normally would and it broke then anyone would assume I did it even if that's not the facts. It would be the natural knee jerk reaction to most people I think. I personally feel she has used this as another way to manipulate and it just happens to be very convenient for her.

 

To explain a little more about frustrations. I believe it too be true that everyone has a perception about any given subject. Too explain this better I will use a 1-10 scale. If my frustration/anger level feels like a 2 to me its a 10 to her. If it's feels like a to me, it's a ten to her. If it's a 1 it's a 10 to her. It's become apparent that no matter what I feel it's a 10 to her and she claims its emotional abuse.

 

I'll agree the counselor she is seeing isn't respected in the field around here at all because of that exact thing. That's 's the exact reason I stopped attending the MC sessions with then when they both teamed up against me and began pushing the idea of mood leveling drugs to control me. Interestingly the only two people in the world I'd guess who think that as I'm actually pretty laid back and easy going.

 

No reason for VAR as I live in a No Fault County so it doesn't really matter what she says or does it's straight 50\50 to the penny on everything.

 

Thanks for answering. I decided what I must do, It's best for all parties involved.

 

You need the VAR for when she finally wants you out of the house and gets a restraining order to do it. This happens far too often and she already has you set up as the monster role.

[GorillaTheater]

Your very first post on LS is about not having much luck with women on Craigslist.

 

What's really going on, man?

[turnera]

Your very first post on LS is about not having much luck with women on Craigslist.

 

What's really going on, man?

Say what?

 

What the hell?

[Robert]

thread closed, posts left as they gave insightful and thoughtful info and might help a reader one day.