Soverysad123 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Can I pleased ask why have an affair if you intend to stay married. Why risk hurting your wife and children. I understand you may feel love and excitement but why....... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Narcissism, Sex and attention. They want their wife because that is where his devotion lies. She is the moral one in the triangle. She is the loving wife and mother. Who would give that up? They can have dual lives. The other woman is just cake. She gives ellicit, secret sex. No strings attatched. Who would give that up? They do it because they want to and can. These people have no integrity, boundaries, or respect for themselves, their families, or their affair partner. If they truly respected their family and wife or so, they wouldn't cross those lines. They wouldn't risk breaking up a happy home. If they respected their ap they wouldn't hide them. They would shout their love for them. They really care about themselves first and always. Imagine how many lies they tell to themselves, their ap and wife? Its a game to them. Everyone gets hurt! The cheater always rationalizes. They want what they want. Wife, kids, affair partner be damned! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 You need to ask yourself why you would get involved with an attached person. It really is a two way situation. I think if we look at these types of "relationships" with an open mind we would be able to recognize there is probably a lot of people who would not engage with the attached person until that attached person was free do so. Those people have healthy boundaries and it could be like an wall that goes up against these types of situations where they don't entertain the thought of an messy emotional mess. It just gets shut down. I really feel we need to own our choices and not get stuck on another's persons choices. We only know why we do as we do, what another persons thoughts and feelings are is not our business. We can though learn from our choices and apply them to healthier future choice though, now that's our business! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Can I pleased ask why have an affair if you intend to stay married. Why risk hurting your wife and children. I understand you may feel love and excitement but why....... Very good question. I think some non-serial cheaters deny to themselves for as long as they can that they are in an A. Maybe they might call it a "friendship" if it's an EA, or if it's a PA, they keep telling themselves that are going to quit tomorrow. I think most just compartmentalize in order to not deal with those thoughts. When they are with their family, they focus on them and not on the AP. When they are with their OW, they focus on her and not the family. They never plan to or think they will get caught. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Can I pleased ask why have an affair if you intend to stay married. Why risk hurting your wife and children. I understand you may feel love and excitement but why....... Not to be facetious, but you are asking the wrong questions. I think the correct question you need to be asking yourself is: "Can I please ask why I decided to have an affair with someone if they are married? Why did I risk hurting someone's innocent wife and children? I understand I may feel love and excitement but why did I engage in such hurtful behavior?" If you can come up with an honest answer to that question in stead, it will serve you far better than what you are currently thinking. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Can I pleased ask why have an affair if you intend to stay married. Why risk hurting your wife and children. I understand you may feel love and excitement but why....... Why? Because they can. And they find willing participants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Can I pleased ask why have an affair if you intend to stay married. Why risk hurting your wife and children. I understand you may feel love and excitement but why....... You may get more responses if you post this under general relationship discussions. Back to your question though, I've spoken with some cheating MM and they don't believe they are hurting the wife, because they think she'll never find out about the affair. With all the problems they may say exist in the marriage , the OW just isn't worth leaving what they've built up in the marriage . If the sex is lacking in the marriage and they can get that outside , then they don't need to leave the marriage . There are the few cases he does leave the wife, but I don't think the intention to leave the wife is in his mind at the start of an affair. They really don't think of the consequences, because they don't ever think they'll get busted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Narcissism, Sex and attention. They want their wife because that is where his devotion lies. She is the moral one in the triangle. She is the loving wife and mother. Who would give that up? They can have dual lives. The other woman is just cake. She gives ellicit, secret sex. No strings attatched. Who would give that up? They do it because they want to and can. These people have no integrity, boundaries, or respect for themselves, their families, or their affair partner. If they truly respected their family and wife or so, they wouldn't cross those lines. They wouldn't risk breaking up a happy home. If they respected their ap they wouldn't hide them. They would shout their love for them. They really care about themselves first and always. Imagine how many lies they tell to themselves, their ap and wife? Its a game to them. Everyone gets hurt! The cheater always rationalizes. They want what they want. Wife, kids, affair partner be damned! I could like this 1000 times. So true. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I was a MW but maybe I can offer some insight. One of the many reasons I had an A was because there were gaps in my marriage and I thought they could be filled by someone else. I thought I'd sacrificed enough for my marriage and that I deserved some happiness. I risked everything because I did not think my H would ever find out, and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. TBH I wasn't thinking a whole lot of xOM as himself...just me and my needs and wants. I projected all those needs and wants onto xOM which is why I thought he was so special. Now I see: those gaps were of my own making, I needed to fill them myself, not with someone else. If I truly felt I was sacrificing too much, I should've said something to my husband. Happiness comes from within myself, not someone else or something else. And my H did find out, and it did hurt him, terribly. Hope this helps. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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