Update on my reconciliation

[Andrew123123]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Hi all,[/FONT][/sIZE]

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Here is a link to my initial thread (hope it works)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/519261-difficulty-reconciliation-trust

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I thought I would write an update. Probably not of interest to most butmight be helpful to people to read if they are going through a similarsituation. And I have read a lot of threads that do go cold all of a sudden,and I am sure for those that were vested in reading and trying to help theoriginal poster that it can be quite frustrating (even for own personalreasons) to not know what has actually transpired in the mess the OP communicatedin their first and subsequent posts.

 

Anyway in regards to my situation here are the following positives andnegatives of the last few months:

 

POSITIVES

 

1 - Our emotional intimacy and 90% of our relationship has been almost betterthan ever.

 

2 - We are both refraining on trying for kids until I am 100% sure wewill "make it" (yes I see that as a positive). She really wants tobut I have stressed I need to be 100% confident first.

 

3 - We had a great overseas trip together, without her phone thank god.

 

4 - My wife has been actively looking for another job and next week may well beoffered (fingers crossed) a superb position with a very large company. Aftermuch discussion I insisted she leave her current company where the OM workeddue to the anxiety her working in close proximity to him was causing and shefully accepted this.

 

5 - Things are generally awesome 90% of the time, BUT the 10% is another story,hence the negatives below.

 

NEGATIVES

 

1 - The other man was still texting her even during counselling and Ifound an email (yes I was snooping) where he was discussing our relationshipand his (nothing sordid in the emails) but enough for me to blow my topwhen I found them at 1am in the morning in early April I decided enoughwas enough. Personal stuff is personal stuff. I contacted his wife through FB,she rang me, and I discussed the whole history of what had happened and sheleft him. He then rang me, called me an *******, said I was an idiot and thathim and my wife had always been 100% faithful to me and his wife. I laughed atthis and briefly tried to explain (even if sex did not happen which I am not100% sure it did not) that cheating has a lot of different forms and that hisfaithful comment was laugable. He was getting quite aggressive so I put theoffer for us to meet in person (I am a former top level amateur boxer and whilenot blowing my own trumpet can handle myself decently in these situations andhe knows that) and he quickly backed down and hung up. His wife hassubsequently kicked him out and thanked me for the communication.

 

2 - I do not trust my wife did not sleep with the slime ball and it isoverwhelming my thoughts at times. Without my wife's knowledge I am in IC totry and gauge whether I really want to carry on and my doubts that I do notfeel I know the whole truth. There are things that don’t add up and heck I justwant to move forward without any debris swept under the rug, and until I amcomfortable it is clean under there, I live in a slightly unsettling world.

 

CONCLUSION

 

The weird thing is our marriage/relationship/closeness is almostbetter ever. But the 10% of doubt is very hard, reconciliation is so muchharder than anyone realises until you have lived it. To be honest if the affairwas physical and I found out I am not even sure it would really make that muchdifference. It is TRUST that is the main thing, and being comfortable in yourown environment, of which your marriage engulfs a pretty massive chunk of one’sown world. I have asked her for a POLY and after a little initial shock fromher on such a drastic action she agreed to do it as I meant everything to her. ButI never went through with it. Maybe I should have but I sometimes feel would itreally make a difference at all to me regardless of the results.

 

Time helps things no doubt, and if you were to ask me right now I would saybarring anything getting worse I will probably continue down the path ofreconciliation. But it is not easy. I met with a lawyer before we went on ourholiday just so I knew the whole process "Just in case". On theholiday while overlooking one of the most beautiful places I could imagine wehad a few drinks and my wife looked at me and said "Honey after all wehave been through the last few months, I really feel we are indestructiblenow!". If only she knew....

 

Thanks for hearing me out. Had a few drinks and needed a bit of a vent![/FONT][/sIZE]

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[Andrew123123]

Apologies for the rather jumbled look above. Seems pasting from word did not work too well. Hope it still makes sense somewhat. Cheers

[Woon]

Personally, i am glad to read this. I am not familiar with your story, but i can appreciate that after a breakup, one does get closer and iron out some issues that were present. My ex fiance and i are currently "dating" again. Not officially a couple, as we decided it was best to see each other without outside pressure. As my parent arent to fond of her, neither are hers of me. I wish you all the best

[Morbius]

Hi,

 

You discovered by snooping (justifiable) that OM was texting/emailing your wife regarding your marriage during MC. You confronted OM. Did you ask WW, why she did not tell you? Reconciliation requires transparency. How can trust be built if she is hiding this from you? In the interest of working towards repairing trust, this is not good on her part.

 

 

I do not trust my wife did not sleep with the slime ball and it isoverwhelming my thoughts at times.

 

You couple this with your previous statement, it is worrisome Andrew. I don't believe you are close to 90% in fact, not even 50%. It's not a matter if she slept with OM, it's all about trust. In your earlier thread, she took pictures with OM, and seemed to engage with him. A spouse in reconciliation would not act this way. I am concerned your W is "gaslighting" you. Telling you what you want to hear. Similarly, the OM you confronted in my opinion most definitely gaslighted you to save himself. Congrats to his BW in tossing him on his ear.

 

I do notfeel I know the whole truth.

 

Andrew, that is very honest. If your W isn't transparent, how can you have trust? Trust your gut, trust your instincts. You need 100% transparency, and you are not getting it.

 

You threatened with a polygraph, it got her attention. You didn't follow through. She I am sure was relieved. Regardless of the issues with the test, more times than not parking lot confessions happen Consider making an appointment, and observe reactions. Then see how she acts after this and when the day comes to take the test. Observe and learn.

 

Also, you should have free access to her electronic media without any resistance.

 

It is wise to put off another child, until you have trust. Please don't get trapped.

 

I have strong doubts about your reconciliation. She is not honest, and you are rug sweeping a bit.

 

Transparency, transparency, transparency. Do whatever it takes for your peace of mind. She needs to come clean Andrew, you know this.

Edited June 12, 2015 by Morbius

[Andrew123123]

Hi Morbius

 

Thanks for your reply. All very valid. To answer your questions:

 

1 - I discovered it in her work emails. She works (albeit not closely) with the guy. So I know there is still communication at times between them but it was obviously stressed that it needed to be completely professional. I did not feel it was although it did contain some work talk, but I got annoyed by him asking how we were going and signing off with a . Maybe I overreacted as I had had a few wines but I do not find it all a smiley situation. And I let him know that (and his wife) and my wife as well.

 

2 - The 90% is probably unrealistic yes. I guess the best way to put it is that the areas of our relationship we are working on (which needed work) are far better than they were. We did have issues on both parts (not that this was any excuse for her to look elsewhere). However a whole new issue has been created with what happened, the trust factor, and that is a whole new level of an issue, bigger than all the others combined. So I get where you are coming from.

 

3 - My gut says I do not know the whole truth and I have told her this just yesterday. She of course puts on the whole upset show and tries to be very close to me etc. And while I am open to her and our emotional intimacy is great I have stated that I do not trust her, I love her, but I now longer have the trust needed for ME to be comfortable in the marriage. I will most certainly go through with a Poly shortly if I do not feel like I get the answers I suspect. I am 50/50 whether she slept with him or not. There are certainly things I know which point to her not sleeping with him but I am also completely resigned to the fact that a 31 year old and a 45 old are not kids and don't meet to play monopoly. It is up for her to prove now by any means necessary.

 

Andrew

[Andrew123123]

Sorry the other thing I did not answer, yes I have access to all her electronic media, she offered this well back. And I know this might sound crazy but I very rarely even check it. I just don't see the point. Communication can be done through an inbuilt office messenger system the company has, people can create new email addresses etc. So I do not really see it as much of an answer for me. The fact that she offered it was good I guess, but I do not see this is as much of a good point that maybe some others do....

[Morbius]

Hi Morbius

 

Thanks for your reply. All very valid. To answer your questions:

 

1 - I discovered it in her work emails. She works (albeit not closely) with the guy. So I know there is still communication at times between them but it was obviously stressed that it needed to be completely professional. I did not feel it was although it did contain some work talk, but I got annoyed by him asking how we were going and signing off with a . Maybe I overreacted as I had had a few wines but I do not find it all a smiley situation. And I let him know that (and his wife) and my wife as well.

 

2 - The 90% is probably unrealistic yes. I guess the best way to put it is that the areas of our relationship we are working on (which needed work) are far better than they were. We did have issues on both parts (not that this was any excuse for her to look elsewhere). However a whole new issue has been created with what happened, the trust factor, and that is a whole new level of an issue, bigger than all the others combined. So I get where you are coming from.

 

3 - My gut says I do not know the whole truth and I have told her this just yesterday. She of course puts on the whole upset show and tries to be very close to me etc. And while I am open to her and our emotional intimacy is great I have stated that I do not trust her, I love her, but I now longer have the trust needed for ME to be comfortable in the marriage. I will most certainly go through with a Poly shortly if I do not feel like I get the answers I suspect. I am 50/50 whether she slept with him or not. There are certainly things I know which point to her not sleeping with him but I am also completely resigned to the fact that a 31 year old and a 45 old are not kids and don't meet to play monopoly. It is up for her to prove now by any means necessary.

 

Andrew

 

Hello Andrew,

 

Point 1; I do not believe you overreacted. If anything you seemed underwhelmed. It sounded like your W was not acting professionally too. Which means she was complicit with OM. The OM asking about your marital state was a failed effort to ensure you didn't threaten his marriage. He was checking up on you. The context does not have to be sexual, but the ramifications are still applicable. To me your W is gas-lighting you.

 

Point 2; I understand that some aspects of your marriage are better. Reading your thread, it seems that your W is in damage control. She is doing 'exactly' what you need to regain her trust, while not being fully transparent. Another form of gas-lighting. I do not believe she is doing what is required to earn your trust. On the surface it appears good, but on the inside there are many red flags.

 

Point 3; Simply put, trust-your-gut. Her reaction is another gaslight and yes a show for you. What has she done to earn your trust? Crying is not part of that criteria. Regarding the polygraph, rather than wait I suggest you make the appointment as soon as possible. The purpose is to observe her reactions. Like I mentioned you may get a parking lot confession, or an abject refusal to take the test. Her demeanor will be your guide. 50/50 is what a marriage is based on, not 50/50 if she had a PA in addition to the EA. Your analogy is correct, and it is up to her to prove by any means necessary that she did not engage in a PA. Hence the reason to move forward with the polygraph. She may agree now, but if she has something to hide, the closer she gets to the date comes the more agitated she will become, and then the excuses may fly. Regardless, your job is to monitor as much as possible, and trust-your-gut.

 

Point 4; What you say about multiple addresses makes sense, however; you haven't asked to look at her laptop, tablet, phone or email's in a while. By not asking you may have lulled her into false security. I suggest this weekend you do a surprise check. Have her sit at the computer and log in, and at the same time ask for her phone. Again Andrew the purpose is to look for reactions, in addition to the media examination. It most definitely is her job to prove otherwise, and right now she is doing poorly. Do you believe she will say this, "Why, it's been a few weeks, don't you trust me yet?" When you ask to examine everything.

 

In closing, I hope that your W did not go past the point of no return, and you can reconcile. But the big issue is her gas-lighting and lack of transparency. She has done very little to re-earn your trust, and is relying on emotional outbursts to keep you off balance.

 

I know you are hurting, and don't want to lose her. But if she isn't being honest, transparent, and trustworthy, then you already have.

Edited June 13, 2015 by Morbius