needed

[LostIsMe]

So long story short. I was in a so so marriage. I had an affair. I got caught. My wife called the other women's husband. She got caught. I left the house and haven't been back in 2 months. We are civil. I have thoughts of going back but I won't because I'm still involved with the other women. I want to he with her.

 

Thing is, she says she loves me and wants it too but she still lives with her husband. She says they can't fix it yet she stays. They are in marriage counseling and she still says it can be fixed. She said she isn't leaving now and she has conflicted feelings. Her husband is a good man and provider. But she doesn't have a love connection with him. So it's stay with himhim amd be friends or leave and find love and not be so taken care of financially and lose the family dynamic. We both have young children.

 

I think I need to walk away and stop giving her both sides while I get half of her. I want all. I am having a hard time doing it though. Very hard time. Sometimes it makes me want to go back to my wife but in the end I know it's foe all the wrong reasons. I can't do that unless I was sure I could commit. Right now, I can't so I'm not gonna do that to her.

 

This sucks. I really do love the other women. My connection to her is unlike anything I've ever experienced.

[gettingstronger]

I am sorry but for whatever reason she has chosen her husband over you- since you are in a place where sharing her is no longer acceptable you need to move on- now that you are somewhat available, you can work on you and then find a woman that you want to be loyal to and wants to be loyal to you-

 

I can tell you as a BS that reconciliation and marriage counseling can be brutal-but reconciliation also involves lots of hysterical bonding-look it up and see if that is the situation you want your partner to be in-

 

Don't go back to your wife, the initial shock and all that goes with it has already happened to her, even if you don't love her, at least respect her enough as a person to allow her to continue her healing journey either alone or surrounded by people that truly love her-not with you who is not 100% in-

 

Good luck and stay strong-

[whichwayisup]

So long story short. I was in a so so marriage. I had an affair. I got caught. My wife called the other women's husband. She got caught. I left the house and haven't been back in 2 months. We are civil. I have thoughts of going back but I won't because I'm still involved with the other women. I want to he with her.

 

Thing is, she says she loves me and wants it too but she still lives with her husband. She says they can't fix it yet she stays. They are in marriage counseling and she still says it can be fixed. She said she isn't leaving now and she has conflicted feelings. Her husband is a good man and provider. But she doesn't have a love connection with him. So it's stay with himhim amd be friends or leave and find love and not be so taken care of financially and lose the family dynamic. We both have young children.

Believe her when she says she's not leaving. She has no intention of losing her lifestyle, the house, having to share custody of their young children.

 

I think the difference here is, you were ready to leave and divorce your wife, it's just the affair was the catalyst for you, with her, she wants to stay married (hence marriage counseling, couples who plan on divorcing do not go to MC to fix their marriage) and continue the A with you. They obviously still have enough of a connection to save their marriage.

 

I think I need to walk away and stop giving her both sides while I get half of her. I want all. I am having a hard time doing it though. Very hard time. Sometimes it makes me want to go back to my wife but in the end I know it's foe all the wrong reasons. I can't do that unless I was sure I could commit. Right now, I can't so I'm not gonna do that to her.

 

Best thing you can do is let your wife grieve and move on. She needs to be with a man who loves only her.

This sucks. I really do love the other women. My connection to her is unlike anything I've ever experienced.

 

It's possible she feels that connection towards you as well but the life she's created with her husband, the glue that holds them together is much stronger than what you two shared in the affair.

 

Let both women go, be on your own.

[Confused48]

OP, think about it, do you really want to be with a woman that is going to MC and telling her H that she is working on the marriage, but still seeing you on the side? Even if she were to later leave her H, would you really want a person that could do that?

 

I think you are both morally bankrupt for having an affair to begin with but at least you are not stringing along your wife. That is a serious step in a worse direction than what you did. Even you deserve someone better than this. Don't you think?

[minimariah]

deal with one problem at a time.

1st problem that needs to be dealt with -- your marriage.

 

do you want to work on it OR leave? and answer this question WITHOUT thinking about the possibility of being with this other woman... as in, don't wait around & make a decision on your life and marriage based on your possible future with the OW. don't stay married just beause the OW doesn't want you and don't leave the marriage just because the OW wants you -- make that decision based on you and your relationship with your W. decide about this marriage FOR YOU. does it make you happy? if not - leave. start separation and divorce proceedings and everything.

 

2nd problem -- relationship with the OW. sit down with her and talk, ask her what she really wants and demand some clear answers. if she refuses to offer any - leave. if she express her wish to be with you, make a plan with her and have some kind of timeframe and follow it up. support each other. if she makes no effort to actually do something to be with you...? leave.

 

so man up & start dealing with this mess in your life.

[RoseVille]

(hence marriage counseling, couples who plan on divorcing do not go to MC to fix their marriage) and continue the A with you. They obviously still have enough of a connection to save their marriage.

 

This isn't necessarily true. Many people go through MC to confirm for themselves what they already know - that the marriage is dead - and to find a way to jointly come to terms with the end of the marriage in an amicable way.

 

And having a connection isn't enough for any relationship to be saved/survive. It takes a lot more than connection.

[Rainbowlove]

So long story short. I was in a so so marriage. I had an affair. I got caught. My wife called the other women's husband. She got caught. I left the house and haven't been back in 2 months. We are civil. I have thoughts of going back but I won't because I'm still involved with the other women. I want to he with her.

 

Thing is, she says she loves me and wants it too but she still lives with her husband. She says they can't fix it yet she stays. They are in marriage counseling and she still says it can be fixed. She said she isn't leaving now and she has conflicted feelings. Her husband is a good man and provider. But she doesn't have a love connection with him. So it's stay with himhim amd be friends or leave and find love and not be so taken care of financially and lose the family dynamic. We both have young children.

 

I think I need to walk away and stop giving her both sides while I get half of her. I want all. I am having a hard time doing it though. Very hard time. Sometimes it makes me want to go back to my wife but in the end I know it's foe all the wrong reasons. I can't do that unless I was sure I could commit. Right now, I can't so I'm not gonna do that to her.

 

This sucks. I really do love the other women. My connection to her is unlike anything I've ever experienced.

 

Spend some time alone.

 

You are clearly very confused and torn about what you want.

 

The only way for you to commit to your marriage is by saying good bye to OW for good. No contact at all.

 

And even then....it's going to take some time to heal from losing OW.

 

I say, spend the time alone healing yourself and figuring out what's best for you...not who is best...

[Got it]

This isn't necessarily true. Many people go through MC to confirm for themselves what they already know - that the marriage is dead - and to find a way to jointly come to terms with the end of the marriage in an amicable way.

 

And having a connection isn't enough for any relationship to be saved/survive. It takes a lot more than connection.

 

I agree. I went to MC with my ex husband as a way to transition him to the divorce and make sure he was going to be okay. We only went less than 10 times (I can't remember any more) and I went into it saying I wanted to divorce and didn't really deviate from that.

[Got it]

OP - I will say that unfortunately this isn't an uncommon scenario. Both parties are married so there is a balanced risk and reward for each party and so there is a status quo. Things happen, and usually but not always, it is the woman that ends up pushing for divorce. So then now one party is single and the other married.

 

At that point the still married party was as far along on the divorce path and/or may have second thoughts or no actual thoughts on divorcing. But now the power structure is changed and thus the dynamics change.

 

I do agree, don't go back to your wife, you seem to know well that you have nothing left to give there. I would decide what your timeline/dealbreaker is on being the OM, what you accept and then put the line in the sand.

 

Doesn't mean you are walking away forever but you need to do what is right with you and she can catch up if you are open to it at that point. Or you have moved on to better things.

 

Look at her actions and please accept she doesn't show signs of changing the dynamics any time soon. And if she is in MC, to work on her marriage (not sure why she has told you she is in it) then she needs to work on her MC and let you go.

[LostIsMe]

I'm told she is in marriage counseling to try and make her husband realize it's not fixable. To split so they can be civil. I get it but from what I can tell she doesn't want to be the one to end it. She wants him to do it. I also get that. It's hard to bare the burden of letting someone go.

 

But I'm uneasy with the entire thing. I'm an emotional person. It bothers me to that she is with him. Doing family things like they use to. She may not he into him but it's misleading to him in my opinion.

 

I know I should move on..let her go.. It's just hard. I told her last night that I don't want to do it anymore and to find me when they separate.

 

 

Ps. My wife and I are likely not getting back together. We already sold the house. Under agreement. I've found an apartment with a year lease...i love the memories and the idea of the family and I do love her but we had a lot of problems individually and together. It's been hard. I think we could work it out but eventually it would be like it was.

 

It's not just the connection with the OW it's everything. We get along great. Similar sense of humor. She is very loving and affectionate with me. I'm very attracted to her. She is very smart and strong. She takes good care of herself. Aside from the relationship issues here she is very well on top of things. And coming from a relationship watching my wife struggle.... I like this.

 

I need to let go... I need to... But I feel so week. In some ways walking away from her has been harder than my wife. Very strange. Mayne cuz I think my wife will be there in the end. I don't know. I'm never having another affair again. This has taken a huge toll on me, my life and family.

[minimariah]

This isn't necessarily true. Many people go through MC to confirm for themselves what they already know - that the marriage is dead - and to find a way to jointly come to terms with the end of the marriage in an amicable way.

 

And having a connection isn't enough for any relationship to be saved/survive. It takes a lot more than connection.

 

YES. MC helps a lot of couples to mantain and build civil & friendly relationship after the divorce... even when the A is involved an AP sticks around. i find that those couples who go through MC are both able to move on pretty quickly with their lives as it gives them closure, peace and acceptance.

[minimariah]

I'm told she is in marriage counseling to try and make her husband realize it's not fixable. To split so they can be civil. I get it but from what I can tell she doesn't want to be the one to end it. She wants him to do it. I also get that. It's hard to bare the burden of letting someone go.

 

is she able to seek individual counseling?

did she maybe give you some kind of... time schedule on what she plans to do? i'd advise you to be patient with her and try to communicate everything you're feeling and telling US - with her.

 

I know I should move on..let her go.. It's just hard. I told her last night that I don't want to do it anymore and to find me when they separate.

 

what was her reaction?

 

My wife and I are likely not getting back together.

 

it is EXTREMELY important that you know how and when and where did your relationship with the W go wrong. make yourself aware of all the WHYs when it comes to your failed marriage, be aware of your own mistakes that you made with your W -- that is important in order to not let that and the A happen to you again. so think about what were you missing in your M and why did you decide to deal with those problems through an A instead of communicating it with your W.

[sandylee1]

Things can seem really great in an affair without the reality of life children bills other family etc. It's very much an escape and both parties usually show their best side .

 

Chances are she never had any intention of leaving her H. Usually to leave a marriage people want so much better than the status quo, otherwise it's not worth it. She'll also realise you have child support to pay post divorce (although she'll get it from her H as well) and things might not seem all fine and dandy then.

 

Unfaithful spouses prefer to just end the marriage , rather than be busted in an affair , because it makes you look like the bad one . Her H could have exposed her to her family as well and most siblings and parents would not condone her affair. The age of her kids is a key factor too and all in all, she may be wondering if the grass really is greener.

 

Don't think of reconciling as you'd be making your wife plan B, that's not where any wife should be. I think you and your wife are ready to move on really.

 

On a final note.......you don't really know what she's saying in MC . You can't believe everything she tells you. Who knows what she's telling her H. If she was really telling him the marriage is unfixable and that is the reason she's in MC , then she'd be making plans to be with you after the MC sessions are over .

[LostIsMe]

Update..

 

I asked her today if she had a time frame in when she would leave. She said before the holidays. I kinda lost it and ended it...Probably won't stick but I'm tired of this ****. All she says is she wants out so them what the heck is the problem. Get out. She is only hurting her husband more. She's also hurting me more. Leading on two people is not good especially if you have no intention of being with the other. I'm not happy. I'm pretty Damn miserable actually. This sucks.

[LostIsMe]

Today I gave a deadline. If she doesn't leave by a certain date I will not let her in. I've told her again I'm not talking to her and I believe she has no intention on leaving. Today my therapist told me he doesn't see any happy path for me and the other women and he thinks that i should put all my effort into my wife.

 

I'm struggling so much. My wife is like different person right now for the better. We are communicating and getting along better than we ever have. It's very strange. To be honest her antidepressants have been changed and it's a dramatic difference.

 

I'm starting to see separation anxiety in my daughter when it comes to leaving my wife. She bawls. She keeps asking why we live in different houses.

 

I'm thinking of all the good times. I'm thinking of the bad. I hate the thought of ruining my daughter. Can we reconcile? Can we get back what we had? I'm so freaking lost. I don't want to try with my wife unless I'm really sure. How do I never really know? Is it right to give it one last full on effort? I regret ever putting myself into this mess. Because now I don't know how to get out of it.

[Satu]

OP:

 

Regardless of whatever you decide to do, there will be no happy ending to this story.

 

There can't be.

 

Learn from this situation and do some growing.

[Got it]

Today I gave a deadline. If she doesn't leave by a certain date I will not let her in. I've told her again I'm not talking to her and I believe she has no intention on leaving. Today my therapist told me he doesn't see any happy path for me and the other women and he thinks that i should put all my effort into my wife.

 

I'm struggling so much. My wife is like different person right now for the better. We are communicating and getting along better than we ever have. It's very strange. To be honest her antidepressants have been changed and it's a dramatic difference.

 

I'm starting to see separation anxiety in my daughter when it comes to leaving my wife. She bawls. She keeps asking why we live in different houses.

 

I'm thinking of all the good times. I'm thinking of the bad. I hate the thought of ruining my daughter. Can we reconcile? Can we get back what we had? I'm so freaking lost. I don't want to try with my wife unless I'm really sure. How do I never really know? Is it right to give it one last full on effort? I regret ever putting myself into this mess. Because now I don't know how to get out of it.

 

Lost, I really think at this point you need to stop thinking about either woman and focus on yourself. Get into IC and really start to figure yourself out. You are going to keep ping ponging all around until you get to the heart of the problem. But the MEANEST thing you can do to your wife is to lead her on at all and then drop the anvil on her. If you are not 1000% certain you want to be with her, and ready to move heaven and earth to show her, then be completely clear. If you aren't sure, then pull back, tell her you are focusing on your issues and can't discuss any relationships until then and deal with the movement forward of divorce.

 

Please know your divorce would not be the end of the road. You and your wife can reconcile afterwards but my concern, you were pretty sure prior that you weren't interest and now you are muddled. I know that by the point I got to an affair, no amount of talking was going to change my feelings. I was done, solidly done, and have never second guessed it.

 

For your daughter get yourself figured out. You need to get centered and neither woman can do that. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to have a clear understanding of what you want and need and how you want to run your life outside of a romantic partner.

[Popsicle]

So long story short. I was in a so so marriage. I had an affair. I got caught. My wife called the other women's husband. She got caught. I left the house and haven't been back in 2 months. We are civil. I have thoughts of going back but I won't because I'm still involved with the other women. I want to he with her.

 

Thing is, she says she loves me and wants it too but she still lives with her husband. She says they can't fix it yet she stays. They are in marriage counseling and she still says it can be fixed. She said she isn't leaving now and she has conflicted feelings. Her husband is a good man and provider. But she doesn't have a love connection with him. So it's stay with himhim amd be friends or leave and find love and not be so taken care of financially and lose the family dynamic. We both have young children.

 

I think I need to walk away and stop giving her both sides while I get half of her. I want all. I am having a hard time doing it though. Very hard time. Sometimes it makes me want to go back to my wife but in the end I know it's foe all the wrong reasons. I can't do that unless I was sure I could commit. Right now, I can't so I'm not gonna do that to her.

 

This sucks. I really do love the other women. My connection to her is unlike anything I've ever experienced.

 

Around here, we usually here about the MM not leaving, but yes, occasionally it is the MW who won't leave. I'm sorry you are caught in this. IMO, your only option is to let her go. She won't leave. I do not recommend going back to your M though. You don't love your W and that's unfair to you both. Divorce, make a clean break and start over with someone single who you fall in love with.

[Popsicle]

In some ways walking away from her has been harder than my wife. Very strange. Mayne cuz I think my wife will be there in the end.

 

Sadly, you are correct. Your W probably would take you back.

[LostIsMe]

@Satu

Thanks for your optimism. lol

 

Well, I am in IC and I am still struggling to figure it all out. Ping ponging is pretty much exactly how I feel. I have no stability. I guess in some ways I'm afraid to be alone. I'm afraid I can't give my daughter the family experience I had growing up. Great family vacations and memories. Two supportive parents together under the same room. Love for each other. I do love my wife. I honestly do. I care for her and even now I still jump into action when I see she needs something. When we get along, we do make a good team. But man, we used to fight so much. Every day basically. She was very verbally abusive to me. We had very little sex. We showed no affection toward each other. If I did it was mainly if I wanted some action. We were just very distant. I pulled myself back because I was sick of fighting and being insulted. Knowing that, I still look back and see the good times also. Highest of highs, lowest of lows.

 

As for the OW. She had her counseling last night and after that she called me tearing me a new one. Her therapist feels it is wrong of me to give her a deadline. That I'm putting extra pressure on a delicate situation. She thinks the OW should start making steps to leave, slowly and to come in to their next marriage counseling session with a deadline for her husband to leave. Ok, but isn't that putting pressure on her too? Anyway, I see her point, I really do. But I can't be blinded by the fact that I'm me, and I have a point of view too. I'm on the receiving end and it's very painful for me. I have to lay in bed thinking they are home together, sleeping in the same bed (although she claims she sleeps on the couch or with her daughter in her room). I have to know they do family things together. I have to deal with how that makes me feel so my point is very valid also.

 

Her therapist also said that she thinks I either need to end it or I need to be willing to ride it out and be patient. DUH. As much as I want to ride it out. I'll succeed and then something will trigger me and I'll be hurting all over again. It comes in waves.

 

I think I do need to figure out me. I know what I want in a woman and there are many qualities about the OW that I want. But I'm petrified that she will end up cheating on me. She is very flirtatious and that quality is a love/hate type of thing. I love when she flirts with me. Hate when she flirts with others. I'm not the most secure person but it's something I am working on. I know exactly who I am. I know what I have to do on a day to day basis but this situation has me so twisted. I feel like I have a blind fold on and am being spun around...and when it's time to walk, I stumble and I have no idea which direction I'm headed.

 

One thing is for sure...I WILL NEVER PUT MYSELF INTO A SITUATION LIKE THIS AGAIN. Sure it was fun at first, but not anymore. It hasn't been for a while. The risk is NOT worth the pain that is felt by many. Total devastation all around. I'm not a bad person. I just made a terrible mistake.

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm told she is in marriage counseling to try and make her husband realize it's not fixable.

Sorry. Don't believe THAT one for a New York minute. She doesn't want to leave for financial and security reasons.

[Lois_Griffin]

Update..

 

I asked her today if she had a time frame in when she would leave. She said before the holidays. I kinda lost it and ended it...Probably won't stick but I'm tired of this ****. All she says is she wants out so them what the heck is the problem. Get out. She is only hurting her husband more. She's also hurting me more. Leading on two people is not good especially if you have no intention of being with the other. I'm not happy. I'm pretty Damn miserable actually. This sucks.

LOL. No married people ever leave before the Holidays. They usually claim they're leaving AFTER the Holidays (which they don't do, either).

 

You are SO getting the usual married liar run-around.

[Popsicle]

I believe there is no "right" answer, only the answer that is right for you. There will be challenges and criticisms no matter what you do. I would leave both relationships and start with someone new (single).

[WasOtherWoman]

So my husband went to counseling with his then-wife, many years ago. He knew he was leaving, without a doubt. She asked for counseling. He went in, clearly stating that his mission was to leave the marriage. She kept asking him to wait until after the holidays (this was all during late fall, many years ago).

 

The counselor told her, "there will always be one more holiday, one more birthday, one more event." There is no point in waiting, your husband has been very clear on what he is planning.

 

I am sorry... but I agree with the others that you are being fed a story.

[LostIsMe]

Supposedly she is telling her husband tonight in therapy he has to leave..... Not buying it