needed

[LostIsMe]

Almost a month later and I'm in the same exact position I was in. Things have been up and down, on and off in the past month. Mostly by my own doing. I keep backing off, she keeps pulling me back.

 

They are still going to counseling. They are still living together. She is telling me she only wants to be with me but she just needs more time. She has told me for a long time that there is nothing there with her husband and her child is the only reason things are taking time. She's scared. I get it. I was scared too. But I am 95% sure of what I want. My house is sold. My divorce agreement is in the works and I found an apartment. I'm moving on with my life. She on the other hand is in the same position she has been in since D-Day which was first week in April.

 

I'm so freaking torn it's ridiculous. I'm in no hurry to start a relationship with anyone else. I only want the OW but I'm just so confused. I'm ok with waiting..but the thing is, what am I waiting for? If she is so done and there is nothing there, why continue the affair, continue marriage counseling, continuing lying to her husband if you want to be with me? Scared...ok fine...but come on. It's scary as hell. Does she think I'm not scared? Or wasn't scared? I'm making some SERIOUS life changes because I know where my heart is. I have no idea if I'm making a mistake or not but my thoughts are always with her, not my soon to be Ex Wife. This is far from easy so I can relate...I just don't understand.

 

Why live a double life when you only want half of that life? I believe her when she says she loves me and she wants to be with me. I honestly don't doubt that at all. However, I do doubt that she will ever leave. Right or wrong reasons...I'm realizing time is just an excuse. What hurts you today, is going to hurt you tomorrow or a month from now. There is NEVER a good time. It's either pull the band-aid off quickly or slowly and painfully each and every day. Her daughter will be hurt today...her daughter will be hurt a year from now. Same goes for her husband. But in order to move on, you must take a very hard and painful step forward and begin the change.

 

This all being said. I'm moving in a month. I've told myself over and over...that is my deadline. I'm not telling her when that deadline is. If she wants to leave, she can leave. I try to make her understand what she is doing is so very wrong. I tell her I don't have much left in me. She has said multiple times she can sense things are changing and that she is losing me. Well sweetie....YOU ARE!!!! I'll always love her but I will not always put myself through this. I'm usually a sucker for punishment but there is ALWAYS a changing point. When I make a decision, that's it, I'm not looking back! That will apply with to her come moving day.

 

She says she can't handle the pressure I'm putting on her. Sorry, I really don't feel bad. I'm not putting pressure on her. I'm simply telling her I'm not doing this much longer. If that is considered pressure than so be it. She doesn't want to leave yet because of her reasons. She is trying to make him leave. She is delaying things for her own reasons. Well, I'm becoming distant because of my own reasons...I can't control that our timing, wants, needs, desires don't line-up.

 

I don't believe in if it were meant to be, it will be. I believe people make their own future. If this doesn't happen, it's because we (mainly she) chose for it to not happen. This f'ing sucks more than I could ever possibly explain. There was a point in time where I thought I couldn't get through not having her but slowly I'm beginning to believe that i absolutely can. It will be torture..it will be hell but in a few months I will be free, living on my own, divorced and can do whatever I want. She will likely still be exactly where she is now....MINUS having me in her life.

 

So ya...I really do want to be with her. I love her. I love how I feel when I'm with her but....if it's not a two way street, I'm taking a one way road to make peace with my life.

[Popsicle]

She sounds daft.

 

My xMM was daft.

 

Even outside of the A, this is a problem.

 

You can't work with that.