the mechanism of relationships

[GENOS]

I'll get straight to the point .. What I wanna find out is how does a relationship progress step by step, the basics of the basics, you can say the life cycle of a relationship from the first time you meet each other till breaking up. I know there are many variations depending on a lot of things but let's just talk about your ideal common relationship with no shenanigenz.

Can you instantly start a relationship with someone you don't know ? Does this person have to be a friend if you want to start a relationship with him/her ?

Let's say you saw a beautiful chick somewhere alone, you go talk to her and somehow manage to get her number, then what ? What's the next step ? What's the step after that next step ? And so on...

 

Now I'm not totally oblivious about this relationships thing, I've had some girlfriends before .. But most of the time I had no idea what I was doing, and the end result was failure! None of those relationships lasted more than four months, so I'm in the process of gathering as much info as I can and I thought I'd start with the basics.

Thanks in advance, hope this wasn't too long to read

[smackie9]

Relationships ending is a normal process.

 

Having a relationship that lasts more than 4 months can be as simple as just finding the right person.

 

It's possible you are picking girls that are not compatible enough with you to keep the relationship from getting stagnant.

[Emilia]

How do you handle when you start falling for a girl, OP? The most common thing I see with those that can't maintain a relationship is anxiety and fear kicking in resulting in withdrawal or clinginess, depending on personality type.

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to be friends 1st but starting a relationship is all about getting to know the other person.

 

 

You meet. You make plans to spend time together & do things. You get to know each other. You incorporate the physical into it: hand holding, hugs, chaste kisses, making out, petting then eventually sex. You define the relationship & agree to be exclusive (or not)

 

 

You keep talking. You keep spending time together.

 

 

Perhaps you get married. Perhaps you break up.

[Redhead14]

I'll get straight to the point .. What I wanna find out is how does a relationship progress step by step, the basics of the basics, you can say the life cycle of a relationship from the first time you meet each other till breaking up. I know there are many variations depending on a lot of things but let's just talk about your ideal common relationship with no shenanigenz.

Can you instantly start a relationship with someone you don't know ? Does this person have to be a friend if you want to start a relationship with him/her ?

Let's say you saw a beautiful chick somewhere alone, you go talk to her and somehow manage to get her number, then what ? What's the next step ? What's the step after that next step ? And so on...

 

Now I'm not totally oblivious about this relationships thing, I've had some girlfriends before .. But most of the time I had no idea what I was doing, and the end result was failure! None of those relationships lasted more than four months, so I'm in the process of gathering as much info as I can and I thought I'd start with the basics.

Thanks in advance, hope this wasn't too long to read

 

Well, adopting a dating approach is a matter of personal preference. I advocate dating in stages.

 

You've got her number. Call her a day or so later. Don't wait too long. Make a date with her that includes specifics -- day, time and place. Don't say something like "hey, wanna get together? Let me know". Don't be opened ended. Make sure you confirm with her the day before.

 

Make arrangements with her at the end of the first date for the next date if you liked her enough. In between dates maintain communication, a few texts and phone call here and there. Don't go overboard.

]

Somewhere in here you need to open a conversation about what each of you is looking for in general out of your dating journeys, not necessarily with each other at this point, but in the long run. You are apparently looking for a long term relationship. If she doesn't want that and only wants to date people casually, you're not on the same page to start with. If you are on that page, then . . .

 

You date her publicly for the first few dates and if there is enough interest and you want to "move it to the next" stage and be intimate with her, you ask her for exclusivity. And make sure you are on the same page about what exclusivity means to you. Some people mean exclusivity to be that they are the only person they are being intimate with, while still dating others. Some people think exclusivity is boyfriend and girlfriend. I personally feel that exclusivity is just another period for evaluating that dating partner on a deeper level before deciding to be boyfriend and girlfriend. And, each party can date others until they get to the point of wanting to be intimate with someone else. At which time, they need to let the first one know and decide to move on. The truth is if you decide to be intimate with someone else, you probably didn't really have enough interest in the first one anyway or you had lost interest.

 

Usually, though, if you're exclusive, you don't date others or become intimate with anyone else. Exclusivity means you're focusing on that one.

 

None of this guarantees that it will develop into a longer relationship, but it sets the stage and gives a better opportunity for allowing it to develop naturally, if it's going to. At each stage you are evaluating the potential with that person and you each should be prepared to accept it if it's not working for both of you.

 

There are other approaches, of course, and you need to evaluate them for yourself to see which one "fits" you better, perhaps according to your personality. The approach I use requires patience and being able to manage your emotions and expectations so that when you do go through periods of disappointment, it affects you less and allows you to move on to a new dating scenario with less carried over emotion, hurt, anxiety, etc. You are able to more easily focus on a new dating partner with a fresh set of eyes that aren't clouded by a previous bad relationship outcome.

[empresario]

Dating isn't science. As much as I wish it was, it's not. God I wish there was some sort of math equation I could just plug in a few variables and have this whole mess figured out.

 

 

BUT, I do get what you're asking and what you mean.

 

 

Personally, things seem to follow a pattern like this...

 

 

1. Meet, flirt, chat

2. Start texting within a week

3. Go on a simple date a couple days later

4. Do a more complex date within another week where we end up staying out all night talking

5. Fall hopelessly in 'like' even though I tell myself not to

6. Start having sex within 1 month or so

7. Starts spending the night around month 3

8. Fall in love by month 6

9. Honeymoon phase ends around 9-12 months

10. Fall into a routine of dinner, Netflix, and sex that becomes more of a pattern...but it's not so bad because you know each other and become extensions of each other

11. Year 1-2 you start to stay with each other so much you talk about moving in with each other...the intimacy isn't gone it just changes

12. Year 1.5-3 someone makes a significant change or changes physically/emotionally enough that there isn't the same life trajectory anymore and it ends

13. 2 weeks of self loathing and weight loss

14. week 3 you start to feel a little better and get excited about a new honeymoon phase

15. week 4 start back at 1

 

 

That about sums up my habitually monogamous life.

[GENOS]

Well, adopting a dating approach is a matter of personal preference. I advocate dating in stages.

 

You've got her number. Call her a day or so later. Don't wait too long. Make a date with her that includes specifics -- day, time and place. Don't say something like "hey, wanna get together? Let me know". Don't be opened ended. Make sure you confirm with her the day before.

 

Make arrangements with her at the end of the first date for the next date if you liked her enough. In between dates maintain communication, a few texts and phone call here and there. Don't go overboard.

]

Somewhere in here you need to open a conversation about what each of you is looking for in general out of your dating journeys, not necessarily with each other at this point, but in the long run. You are apparently looking for a long term relationship. If she doesn't want that and only wants to date people casually, you're not on the same page to start with. If you are on that page, then . . .

 

You date her publicly for the first few dates and if there is enough interest and you want to "move it to the next" stage and be intimate with her, you ask her for exclusivity. And make sure you are on the same page about what exclusivity means to you. Some people mean exclusivity to be that they are the only person they are being intimate with, while still dating others. Some people think exclusivity is boyfriend and girlfriend. I personally feel that exclusivity is just another period for evaluating that dating partner on a deeper level before deciding to be boyfriend and girlfriend. And, each party can date others until they get to the point of wanting to be intimate with someone else. At which time, they need to let the first one know and decide to move on. The truth is if you decide to be intimate with someone else, you probably didn't really have enough interest in the first one anyway or you had lost interest.

 

Usually, though, if you're exclusive, you don't date others or become intimate with anyone else. Exclusivity means you're focusing on that one.

 

None of this guarantees that it will develop into a longer relationship, but it sets the stage and gives a better opportunity for allowing it to develop naturally, if it's going to. At each stage you are evaluating the potential with that person and you each should be prepared to accept it if it's not working for both of you.

 

There are other approaches, of course, and you need to evaluate them for yourself to see which one "fits" you better, perhaps according to your personality. The approach I use requires patience and being able to manage your emotions and expectations so that when you do go through periods of disappointment, it affects you less and allows you to move on to a new dating scenario with less carried over emotion, hurt, anxiety, etc. You are able to more easily focus on a new dating partner with a fresh set of eyes that aren't clouded by a previous bad relationship outcome.

 

I don't quit get this exclusivity thing, what happens if you ask her for exclusivity and she accepts ?

Also when do ask her to bf and gf ? When is it too late and when is it too early?

[Redhead14]

I don't quit get this exclusivity thing, what happens if you ask her for exclusivity and she accepts ?

Also when do ask her to bf and gf ? When is it too late and when is it too early?

 

If she accepts exclusivity, the two of you will be focusing on each other for further evaluation of the potential for a long-term relationship. You would only be dating and being intimate with each other. You just need to make sure she understands that too. You won't be dating anyone else. If she still wants to date others, then you're not on the same page and you move on.

 

After you've been in the exclusivity stage for a while, say a couple of months, and you are still feeling that there is enough between you to make it more "official", then you become boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

The timing is a difficult thing to nail down. But, generally, if you are feeling the desire to ask for the next stage and she's been receptive and appears to be moving along with you, then you can approach that.

[d0nnivain]

I don't quit get this exclusivity thing, what happens if you ask her for exclusivity and she accepts ?

Also when do ask her to bf and gf ? When is it too late and when is it too early?

 

Asking somebody to be your BF/GF is sort of a high school thing. As adults after you have the exclusivity talk you simply start using the label when you introduce the other person to friends & family.

 

 

You have the exclusivity talk when it feels right, usually before sex. It's not on a calendar but more then a month in at least. You ask the other person if they want to be exclusive. What it means is that you both agree to only date each other, nobody else.

 

 

It's never too late to have the conversation.

[GENOS]

Thanks a lot for your replies, I just want you to know that you're really helping me a lot and I won't fail your kindess.. Someday I'll make a real relationship!