He swept me off my feet, we eloped, but I still think about "him".

[beautymadness23]

Hello all. Thanks in advance for this advice. I am going to try and keep this short so as to encourage people to read...cause I would very much like some advice.

 

My now husband and I have been together 5 years and have a 3 year old son together. We just got married at the end of April. He broke up with me back in Feb (we'd broken up numerous time) after only being back together 3 months and after moving down to Texas. We were only down there 2 weeks before he broke the news. I knew something was up though because of how distant he was. He was edgy, irritable, and pulling away from me. He told me the truth, that it was because he was feeling like he needed something different and that our relationship was stunting him and holding him back. It was the one of the worst pains I'd ever felt and I was so angry. It was awful, but my son and I moved back home and tried to pick up the pieces.

 

So I moved on with my life. Began dating, put my son into daycare, started looking for work, etc. I met a man online who I started casually seeing. Things moved pretty quick and we began to fall in love. He met my son and was so good with him...my son took to him right away. I was holding back though because I was scared of how fast I was falling for him. I couldn't dive in all the way either because I could see a change in my now husband. He would call me on the phone and text me more...telling me how badly he messed up, the real truth as to why he ended it, how I was right the entire time about who he was during our relationship, how much he's learned about himself, that he'd had some revelations, and basically how much he felt he let me down and failed me and that I deserve better and how great I am, etc. The man I was falling in love with knew that something was amiss and I had a feeling something was about to happen. But I told the man I was seeing that I had moved on and it was too late for whatever he was about to do.

 

My husband came home and swept me off my feet. He planned an entire day of taking me around the city to all the places that held significance for us, played music for me, gave me roses, etc. He swept me off my feet and won my heart over again. I fell back in love him and accepted his proposal, though not immediately, when he recited promises he would make to make the rest of his life, one being how he would make it all up to me for the rest of our lives and that he will be the man he knows my son and I deserve. I cried out of happiness but also out of sadness because I knew I would have to give up the man I was falling in love with. That was the reason I didn't accept right away. I knew what i'd have to give up, but I also knew how much I'd be gaining. So we eloped to Vegas the next day and got married. It was an amazing trip full of love and happiness. It all felt like a dream because I had wanted to marry him for so long...he was my whole world, the big love I could never get over, the one who blesses me with our son, and who showed me a world I never thought I would get to see and who opened up so many doors. He was the man of my dreams for a long time.

 

So anyways, we are married now and pretty happy. I emailed the other man and told him everything. He was devastated, totally crushed. It hurt me so bad to end it with him and put him behind me. It was a rough few weeks after that...the happiness between my husband and I kept me going and kept me going strong. He's been a great husband and I don't regret my decision. I know I did the right thing no matter how hard it was. But unfortunately, trying to get over the other man put stress on our new marriage so soon. But my husband knew what he was up against and took it upon himself. He vowed to be there for me thru it and I would say he was.

 

But I still think about the other man. I miss him sometimes. He is so different from my husband...there was just something so special there I have never found with anyone else. We had so much potential and a bright future ahead of us had we fostered the growth and allowed it to build. But I couldn't throw everything away with my husband and not give my son a real family for something that was still too shaky, new, and that I was still unsure about. I knew there was a chance I could have regretted that the rest of my life. I knew my husband, there was lots of history, we love each other and have been thru everything. I didn't know the other man well enough. Sometimes I wonder if he was the one who got away. My soul mate. My question is...do u ever truly get over it? people have said that in a few years it will only be a blip on the radar compared to all the years spent with my husband, but I am missing things with my husband that I had with him. I'm thru the worst of it and it's much easier now, but he still has a very special place in my heart and I still think of him and wonder and want to know what I can do to make this a more permanent part of my past and how put him out of my head.

 

I love my husband and we are pretty happily married so I am not looking for advice as to whether or not I should leave my new husband for him. I could never do that, no way. I know I found great man who loves me, is great to me, and a good father. I don't think he is my soul mate. But he will be a wonderful partner, I believe now. He has changed for the better in all the years we've been together and the fact that he finally wants me and only me the rest of his life and can't live without making me his wife is the best thing I could ask for. This other man may have been my soulmate though. But I've made my choice and I know I will have a wonderful life with my husband and he makes me feel safe, beautiful, and makes me want to be better. But I get the feeling that maybe I was meant to be with the other man, that he was made for me. How do you reconcile that feeling and make peace with all of it?

Edited June 12, 2015 by beautymadness23

[Mr. Lucky]

Here's what you said in your other post about your husband:

 

Well after breaking up for a few months (for a host of reasons, one being the marriage thing) and living in different states

 

So coming out of a LTR, only took a "few months" for you to meet this new man, fall in love and decide he might be "made for me"?

 

To me, you have an unrealistic, impulsive and over-romanticized view of relationships in general. You don't establish a healthy emotional base by falling in and out of important relationships so quickly, especially with a 3-year old in tow. Love takes time, commitment and sustained effort by both parties.

 

That you'd feel this fleeting romance threatens your marriage might indicate your husband wasn't the only person not quite ready for matrimony. Counseling is the best place to sort this out, either individually or through MC. I'd also guess your husband senses your detachment so timing is important...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited June 12, 2015 by Mr. Lucky

[OldRover]

You have a history with your husband, and none with the now old BF. You had such a SHORT time with him, you can easily put this behind you. It was a classic case of teenage infatuation, not love. Sure, one can go through this at any age... I did it late in life.

 

But with such a short relationship, you can easily put this behind, and do it, because your marriage depends on it. And fortunately your husband is supportive.

 

If you both work hard on your marriage, the love will grow, and you can develop a deeper love that the infatuation just can't touch.

 

Yes, you can get the old BF out of your mind.... not close to the real thing....