engagement gone sour

[tigress1126]

Hi,

This is my first time posting to this board although I have lurked in many boards. I have kind of a stressful situation. I am, or should I say, was, engaged to be married. I then found out I was pregnant one month later and decided to go through and abort the child as I was only 6 weeks along and am only 23 years old and not ready for that in my life. Well my SO was not there for me and I was highly upset along with all of the other problems we were having or faced with. He would have rather been out playing frisbee golf with his brother while I was writhing in pain on the couch. Anyway I took the ring of at that time (about 1 month ago) as I thought that things were over. Since then, i am still extremely hurt by him but trying to work through it, but I feel as though he has lost all faith in us as a couple. He has not been making me feell wanted lately and will not ask me to put the ring back on. HE says that that is all on me and that I should not have taken it off to begin with. I sometimes do not even get a kiss when he walks in from work anymore and the whole feeling of the relationship has completely changed to a helpless unfixable feeling. How come I cant get him to want me to put the ring back on, how do you go from loving someone soooo much and now all of the sudden he does not seem to care what happens?

[LucreziaBorgia]

What have you been doing to make him feel wanted? He's not going to ask you to put his ring back on, if you aren't giving him any reason to want to.

 

I understand that you want him to want you to put the ring back on, but you have to do your part too in order for him to want to do that. You are angry with him. He is withdrawing in reaction to your anger. He doesn't want to be engaged to an angry woman. He is behaving in ways that evokes anger in you, and your anger is pushing him away. An ugly, vicious cycle. He needs to adjust his behavior and learn to communicate with you in ways that don't invoke your anger, and you need to adjust your behavior and learn to communicate with him so that your anger and sense of entitlement don't keep pushing him away.

 

 

all of the other problems we were having or faced with.

 

Why would a guy want to permanently attach himself to someone if that's all he has to look forward to? If you want things to work, then you are going to have to get him into some sort of couple's premarital counseling to work through these things before you can get to a point where he's going to want to put that ring back on your finger. It sounds like you and he have a lot to say to each other, but can't quite find the words to say them through all the resentment, anger and apathy you have toward each other right now. Lots of unresolved issues there, it sounds like - and until you and he BOTH are willing to put forth the effort to face and resolve these problems together, there's no point in having that ring in the first place.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry I disagree.

 

She was having an abortion- of HIS child- which I'm assuming was a mutual decision and he was out playing frisbee golf?

 

That would have been a deal breaker to me- I'm surprised she's stayed with him. He let her down big time and he should be trying to make ammends for that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It is pretty bad for him to have done that. I agree. I was wondering what the circumstances were - did she ask him to be there for her? Did she get the abortion without telling him? Did he see it as 'no big deal' and therefore not something that required his time or support (heinous, yes... but there are people out there for whom a woman's abortion is 'no big deal' - I was with a guy like that once...).

 

So many factors which could end the relationship in its tracks, but didn't. They became another part of what sounds like a troubled relationship to begin with. It certainly didn't help matters. If she wants the relationship to work though, this horrible situation doesn't absolve her of the responsibility to do her part to see that it works. A terrible blow was dealt to this relationship. They both have a lot of work to do if they want this one to work out.

 

The damage of this particular situation is done, though and can't ever be undone. It is another thing to add to the list of things that need to be resolved before engagement, much less marriage can happen here.

[tigress1126]

The abortion was a mutual decision, well he seem to not have cared in the first place, he has a 1 1/2 year old son already that he only has visitation for and sees every other Saturday, but it did hurt that he did not want a child with me. It kind of causes some resentment for that fact that he has one with the other woman, but that is besides the point. I told him I wanted him there for me and he made his decision to be elsewhere. I just always feel like I am in competition with someone else and he is there for anyone else at the drop off a hat ( his kid, his other family, friends etc.) when all I want is to be the most important person or aspect of his life and he can not seem to show me that I am. I want that supportive extremely loving kind of relationship that maybe me and him are uncapable of having since he can not seem to be there for me at all. Whats wrong with wanting to be someones number 1 priority and have them love you way more than anything else in this world, whether it means being there through a hard emotional/physical time or choosing to be with that person over your child or other family? Maybe this is just not meant to be, he values his relationships with others more than with me and would never choose me over any of them. Selfish? A bit but he is waaay more family orientated than me, see what I get for getting involved with a guy whom has aspects of his life in place already and whom does not care in the least whether I am part of or not . How can one compete with that to begin with? Kids suck, and it is a shame because he is what I was looking for for many years.

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay, honey- I know you don't have kids- so I'll cut you some slack on that.

 

Someone's kid ALWAYS comes first- or it should. You state that he only gets him every Saturday? Why would you want to interfere with what little time he gets with his son??

 

You should be a priority- but his child has to also. He's not making anyone a priority. He sounds immature and selfish.