Boyfriend hasn't initiated contact in a while, but things are fine otherwise?

[jefermelesyeux]

Hey everyone. A little background: I'm 24, he's 46. LDR, 3-hour-drive apart (if that even qualifies as long-distance). The age disparity is not the problem.

 

We met rather unexpectedly on a dating app in late March. Ended up spending the very first night talking on the phone for 4 hours; it was rather magical. Lol. Everything was great in the beginning. He was attentive, he initiated contact at least half of the time, would call me randomly throughout the day and text. It was wonderful. In late April-early May, I went to visit him for a long weekend. This was the first time we'd met and it was even better in person than I expected it to be. We established that we were in a relationship before it was time for me to come home.

 

Afterward, he continued to initiate contact as per normal, though we talked a bit less in general than we previously had. He had to catch up with work and other obligations after having been off for four days (when I was there), so he was merely distracted. But things were still good.

 

Mind you, he's an artist who travels to participate in art shows. This is not his full-time gig, and these shows are rather sporadic. When he goes out of town, I wish him good luck and then I give him his space and don't talk to him until I know he'll be back. Ever since he's come back from a show in mid-May, however, things have lessened on the communication front a bit. I've been the one to initiate conversation ever since then. Our text conversations don't last as long as they did in the beginning, and sometimes they abruptly end. I'm not asking for him to be attentive 24/7, but it's not how it used to be. And we do talk on the phone, which brings me to my next point.

 

When we talk on the phone, everything is fine. He's playful, we have the good rapport that we've always had, the conversation flows and is just generally nice. I guess it's just the texting aloofness that concerns me a little. Does this seem like a problem?

 

Also, for what it's worth, he's always attentive when it comes to discussing serious matters. For example, earlier this week I asked to speak with him about my concerns. He acknowledged that we don't talk as much as we used to, but that May and the first part of June have both just been busy times for him. He made a point to tell me that he still likes me, which I did not prompt him to say or ask about. I guess I shouldn't complain, because I do hear from him at least once a day, but things have just settled into a routine I suppose. I understand that in the beginning, everything is new and exciting and now that they've become more established, it's normal for things to slow down a bit. But this is my first full-on LDR (previously I've only made it to the point of liking/talking to someone, but never actually being in a relationship with them), and I'm not sure if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

So if you've made it this far, what I'm asking is, has this happened to you, and if so, was it indicative of any real problems in your relationship? Should I worry? Should I ask him to initiate a bit more, and how do I go about it without being aggressive or accusatory? Also, when do you draw the line between making excuses for someone and actually trusting what they say?

 

It's been a good 3 years since my last relationship, and that one was local. So I'm a bit rusty. Thanks for reading and for any advice.

[Hope Shimmers]

How sure are you that he isn't married? (Sorry, I had to ask that). I've inadvertently met way too many married guys on dating sites.

 

In my opinion, either he's cooling off with you or he's got something else going on the side, or both (either the above, or other women).

 

That said, it's only been 2.5 months and a LDR to boot. So you can't know him extremely well. Have you talked about being exclusive?

 

I don't think that your suggesting he 'initiate' contact more is the answer. Either he wants to, or he doesn't - in my experience in much longer LDRs (years) they didn't cool off this fast so I think that something is going on.

[jefermelesyeux]

How sure are you that he isn't married? (Sorry, I had to ask that). I've inadvertently met way too many married guys on dating sites.

 

In my opinion, either he's cooling off with you or he's got something else going on the side, or both (either the above, or other women).

 

That said, it's only been 2.5 months and a LDR to boot. So you can't know him extremely well. Have you talked about being exclusive?

 

I don't think that your suggesting he 'initiate' contact more is the answer. Either he wants to, or he doesn't - in my experience in much longer LDRs (years) they didn't cool off this fast so I think that something is going on.

 

Thank you so much for your insight.

 

I know he's not married. He's told friends about me, and when I went to visit we had a triple date with four of his friends.

 

In the very beginning he told me he was looking for a monogamous boyfriend, and before I left to come back home, we established we were in a relationship. So the exclusivity thing has been discussed. Also, if he were seeing other women, I would be concerned especially so because we are gay. LOL

 

Isn't it normal for things to die down a bit once the initial excitement wears off? It's possible that maybe he's gotten comfortable and trusts me enough to know that he'll hear from me, no? Not that that's an excuse for him not to put forth some effort.

 

For what it's worth, he hasn't given me a legitimate reason not to trust him. And without trust, I know this will never work. But I'm struggling to find the line between trusting him and making excuses for him. I'm not sure when to say when.

[Popsicle]

He's either married/taken or just over the LDR thing. You need to go to his house to be sure he's not married. If he's over the LDR thing, then there is nothing you can do about that short of moving there with him tomorrow.

[jefermelesyeux]

He's either married/taken or just over the LDR thing. You need to go to his house to be sure he's not married. If he's over the LDR thing, then there is nothing you can do about that short of moving there with him tomorrow.

 

He's not married. I spent four days with him in his place. And before you suggest that maybe his spouse was out of town, the dates I stayed with him, I suggested.

 

What happened to all the mature adults, who would actually sit down and talk about problems within the relationship? I don't understand why it's so damn hard for people to just be honest instead of pulling a disappearing act. It's annoying the shxt out of me.

[justwhoiam]

I'm 24, he's 46. LDR, 3-hour-drive apart (if that even qualifies as long-distance). The age disparity is not the problem.

1) No, that's not a LDR.

2) Age disparity is not a problem... for what? For a long-term relationship?

 

I have no direct experience of homosexual relationships, but I can give you my perspective coming from talking to a gay friend who is 45. He's been in a "committed" relationship with a male partner for many years, probably for over 15 years. But that doesn't prevent him from meeting up with other guys for sexual encounters. I guess you'd say it's an exclusive homosexual relationship, because they live together, they bought a house together, etc. But it's also somewhat an open relationship, because he has his "flings" with younger men. He's like the man in the relationship, and his partner is more the passive one. Because he explained to me how most gays are either passive or active and - in a lesser percentage - they are both. And he also told me how he can tell who is what almost right away.

 

They don't tread on each other's toes, and the relationship runs smoothly. On occasion, when his partner leaves town, he indulges in his brief encounters more. He uses some websites for that.

Although he might have taken a fancy to one of these guys, he just treats them as a nice extra or like toy boys. Nothing serious. But it also starts as nothing serious. Not with the intent to get into a long-term relationship.

 

I guess you need to know more about his past. Maybe you two were rushing into things and him, being the older one, decided to slow things down a bit.

 

Now I should ask you: do you get any indication about this man being 46 and having a relationship from a website with a much younger guy? Or being 46 and single?

[jefermelesyeux]

1) No, that's not a LDR.

2) Age disparity is not a problem... for what? For a long-term relationship?

 

I have no direct experience of homosexual relationships, but I can give you my perspective coming from talking to a gay friend who is 45. He's been in a "committed" relationship with a male partner for many years, probably for over 15 years. But that doesn't prevent him from meeting up with other guys for sexual encounters. I guess you'd say it's an exclusive homosexual relationship, because they live together, they bought a house together, etc. But it's also somewhat an open relationship, because he has his "flings" with younger men. He's like the man in the relationship, and his partner is more the passive one. Because he explained to me how most gays are either passive or active and - in a lesser percentage - they are both. And he also told me how he can tell who is what almost right away.

 

They don't tread on each other's toes, and the relationship runs smoothly. On occasion, when his partner leaves town, he indulges in his brief encounters more. He uses some websites for that.

Although he might have taken a fancy to one of these guys, he just treats them as a nice extra or like toy boys. Nothing serious. But it also starts as nothing serious. Not with the intent to get into a long-term relationship.

 

I guess you need to know more about his past. Maybe you two were rushing into things and him, being the older one, decided to slow things down a bit.

 

Now I should ask you: do you get any indication about this man being 46 and having a relationship from a website with a much younger guy? Or being 46 and single?

 

That's an interesting arrangement, but I don't think that's what's happening here. We certainly haven't discussed anything like that, and we are both very much in favor of monogamy.

 

I do agree that things were a bit rushed, but it all felt right, you know? It was definitely reciprocated in the beginning, so I felt like it was okay to go with the flow of things.

 

I'm a bit confused by your question, I'm sorry. Can you maybe reword it please?

 

A few things I neglected to mention in the original post:

 

We have not slept together yet. And I doubt he'd be using me for sex when I'm not even in the same state as he is.

 

He's said things before that I continue to hold on to for hope. For example, he's said he's already begun falling in love with me; he feels a connection to me that goes 'very deep'; he hasn't been this smitten in a long time. Regardless of how soon it is, he's said all these things. And I still can't imagine why anyone would bother saying things of such weight if they don't mean them.

 

All my worrying could possibly be contrived. I've never felt so strongly for someone, ever, and because of that, I'm a bit terrified to lose it. So sometimes I assume the worst, and perhaps I've begun to convince myself it's true when it could quite possibly not be. Who knows.

[Lois_Griffin]

Much like your typical heterosexual pairing, it sounds like he prefers young men to men his own age. That's a red flag because it says he doesn't have the emotional maturity to maintain an adult relationship with his peers and prefers to play with youngin's, instead.

 

Also like any other relationship, he worked hard in the beginning as you were a new prospect. Once you went to see him and the thrill of 'conquering' you was gone, he backed off.

 

You're not going to get me to believe that just because he travels for art shows, he doesn't have 10 lousy minutes to call you or have a quick text conversation with you. Sorry, not buying that bullsh*t. People who care about their partners MAKE time if it's important to them. You're clearly not a priority.

 

But I suspect you were just another conquest for him.

[Lois_Griffin]

He's said things before that I continue to hold on to for hope. For example, he's said he's already begun falling in love with me; he feels a connection to me that goes 'very deep'; he hasn't been this smitten in a long time. Regardless of how soon it is, he's said all these things. And I still can't imagine why anyone would bother saying things of such weight if they don't mean them.

Sigh. That's why he pursues young men - they don't know any better.

 

Don't listen to the words - they mean NOTHING without actions to back them up.

 

And his ACTIONS are screaming to you. He's 'falling in love' with someone he cant even freaking TEXT for days at a time? Jesus.

 

ETA: I hadn't read your disclosure about not having sex with him when I posted the reply above.

[mammasita]

JMO, but I'm surprised that OPs situation is being called out as a "homosexual" relationship. Really? Granted the reality is that he is in a same sex relationship, but come on, a relationship is a relationship and relationship dynamics are relationship dynamics. /end rant.

 

Anyway, WRT the question at hand I think that your man is taking a step back. It sounds to me like the typical "I've found something else bright, shiny and new that is catching my interest". We all know that a text takes 30 seconds and when someone is on our mind we reach out. Not to mention you were in a relationship before ending your first meet? That's waaaaaay fast.

[Popsicle]

 

What happened to all the mature adults, who would actually sit down and talk about problems within the relationship? I don't understand why it's so damn hard for people to just be honest instead of pulling a disappearing act. It's annoying the shxt out of me.

 

Because he's over it, but he wants to keep that option open just in case he wants it in the future. I.e. Keeping the door cracked.

[justwhoiam]

JMO, but I'm surprised that OPs situation is being called out as a "homosexual" relationship. Really? Granted the reality is that he is in a same sex relationship, but come on, a relationship is a relationship and relationship dynamics are relationship dynamics. /end rant.

Oh yes? Instead, I am surprised when someone leaves out a detail like that. Just like I need to know about age, location, etc.

[zebracolors]

I'm in a LDR, except he's across country so I can't go visit him regularly. And there are times when days stretch into weeks that we don't message each other, thats simply because we get caught up in our jobs, social lives, etc. But we make sure not to let too much time pass before we message to let the other know we're thinking of them. Even if its just a "miss you".

 

I want to say that if I was the one who was starting to loose interest for whatever reason, say if the distance is causing a feeling of disconnect or was lonely for physical intimacy, that i'd be honest to him. I'm not sure this guy is being honest with you, and maybe he doesn't care.

 

It seems you've already invested a lot of emotion (and trust?) into him before you can really be sure he really feels the same. This is where Lois_Griffin's comment makes sense, that his actions should back up his words. But lately it doesn't seem like this man is even trying to do this, and this has caused your trust in him to waver so you shouldn't have to make excuses for his behavior.

 

This is why you should be cautious when you first meet someone, take it slow, feel them out. You'll learn that age is not necessarily a guarantee of maturity.

[stupidkittten]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I remember making a post really similar to this before, about 2 months after we became exclusive. Once we became exclusive the amount we talked changed. Granted it wasn't LDR, but it sounds like in the beginning he was chasing you and now he has you so he's just comfortable. I'd try to just let it be but keep my guard up just in case. Try to stay busy so you don't think about it.

[jefermelesyeux]

Sigh. That's why he pursues young men - they don't know any better.

 

Don't listen to the words - they mean NOTHING without actions to back them up.

 

And his ACTIONS are screaming to you. He's 'falling in love' with someone he cant even freaking TEXT for days at a time? Jesus.

 

ETA: I hadn't read your disclosure about not having sex with him when I posted the reply above.

 

But he hasn't exclusively dated younger men. He's dated men of all ages and doesn't see age disparity to be a reason not to pursue a relationship; same view I have. I understand the 'daddy' complex some older men have; the impulse to date/sleep with younger men because they're easier to manipulate. But I REALLY don't think that's the case here. He's not that type at all.

 

I'm aware that actions speak louder than words, and it's something that's been weighing heavy on my mind the past week or so. I think I misspoke earlier- we've never gone days without texting, it's typically just a single day. (As a rule, I usually hear from him at least once a day.) And I don't expect him to contact me. Regardless if we're in a relationship or not, he does need his space as I do mine, and when he's out of town for an all-day event, I leave him to it. I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with him not checking in for the day. We always end up discussing it later, anyway.

[jefermelesyeux]

JMO, but I'm surprised that OPs situation is being called out as a "homosexual" relationship. Really? Granted the reality is that he is in a same sex relationship, but come on, a relationship is a relationship and relationship dynamics are relationship dynamics. /end rant.

 

Anyway, WRT the question at hand I think that your man is taking a step back. It sounds to me like the typical "I've found something else bright, shiny and new that is catching my interest". We all know that a text takes 30 seconds and when someone is on our mind we reach out. Not to mention you were in a relationship before ending your first meet? That's waaaaaay fast.

 

I know it was fast. I regret it a bit in hindsight, and normally I'm one to take my time. But I threw caution to the wind, and now the wind is blowing directly in my face.

 

...I'm proud of that metaphor.

 

For future reference, how am I supposed to expect that a guy won't just move on when/if he finds someone better? How does that allow me to have confidence in my relationships or myself? I'm not challenging you personally, but confidence is already something I struggle a bit with, and the idea that someone will just up and leave without warning like that is disheartening.

 

When I'm with someone, I'm 100% faithful and dedicated. I don't have any trouble staying loyal, nor do I have a desire not to be. I wish it weren't such a hard thing to find like-minded men to date. It's practically like striking gold.

[jefermelesyeux]

I'm in a LDR, except he's across country so I can't go visit him regularly. And there are times when days stretch into weeks that we don't message each other, thats simply because we get caught up in our jobs, social lives, etc. But we make sure not to let too much time pass before we message to let the other know we're thinking of them. Even if its just a "miss you".

 

I want to say that if I was the one who was starting to loose interest for whatever reason, say if the distance is causing a feeling of disconnect or was lonely for physical intimacy, that i'd be honest to him. I'm not sure this guy is being honest with you, and maybe he doesn't care.

 

It seems you've already invested a lot of emotion (and trust?) into him before you can really be sure he really feels the same. This is where Lois_Griffin's comment makes sense, that his actions should back up his words. But lately it doesn't seem like this man is even trying to do this, and this has caused your trust in him to waver so you shouldn't have to make excuses for his behavior.

 

This is why you should be cautious when you first meet someone, take it slow, feel them out. You'll learn that age is not necessarily a guarantee of maturity.

 

Very well said. I commend you for not being able to communicate with your partner for days-weeks at a time. I know that some LDRs operate smoothly that way, and it's admirable.

 

I'm even more frustrated today, as I haven't heard from him at all since yesterday. This includes texts I've sent that he didn't bother responding to (only two). I know that on top of everything else wrong with this situation, this seems to be the icing on the cake. If it turns into multiple consecutive days without contact from him, I'm going to (try) to talk with him about it. This might very well be my naivety speaking, but it's entirely possible he has no idea how much this is affecting me; maybe he doesn't see it as a big deal, where I do. So we'll see.

 

Also, is this whole ordeal just a testament to my codependency? The fact that I'm all broken up over not receiving the amount of attention from him that I'd like; that I'm whining because I can't have his attention whenever I crave it. Could this be my fault? Though looking back on it, I haven't really seen a change in my own behavior that would merit his inaction.

 

I have no idea how to relationship.

[mammasita]

I know it was fast. I regret it a bit in hindsight, and normally I'm one to take my time. But I threw caution to the wind, and now the wind is blowing directly in my face.

 

...I'm proud of that metaphor.

 

For future reference, how am I supposed to expect that a guy won't just move on when/if he finds someone better? How does that allow me to have confidence in my relationships or myself? I'm not challenging you personally, but confidence is already something I struggle a bit with, and the idea that someone will just up and leave without warning like that is disheartening.

 

When I'm with someone, I'm 100% faithful and dedicated. I don't have any trouble staying loyal, nor do I have a desire not to be. I wish it weren't such a hard thing to find like-minded men to date. It's practically like striking gold.

 

You get to know the person and date.

 

Talking on the phone for 4 hours the first night doesn't equate to "knowing" each other. Taking time is key. You learn about each other, you find out his character, how he acts in situations. From there you LEARN how he reacts to situations and if he is the type of person who would bail at the sign of something that seems shinier and newer.

 

Basically - don't rush

[zebracolors]

Coming out of a 3 year dry spell, I understand how you might be tempted to latch onto the first person to show you any affection. But thats what you have to be cautious about doing. Truth is that when you're not with him, you can't be certain that he has not 'moved on or is playing locally'. Thats why when you first meet someone, you keep your distance, give the other person a chance to miss you, to initiate contact. And don't invest too much emotion into them until they show also show their interest, that way if they start to drift, its not so much of an impact. Confidence will come with experience.

 

It could be that he's more comfortable with a casual approach, or not big on text conversations. But bottom line is you've made your continuing interest clear now its on him to reciprocate. But you should also let him know his seemingly disconnected behavior is concerning you, but casually so that you don't come off as whining, and his reply to that may tell you everything you need to know.

[jefermelesyeux]

Coming out of a 3 year dry spell, I understand how you might be tempted to latch onto the first person to show you any affection. But thats what you have to be cautious about doing. Truth is that when you're not with him, you can't be certain that he has not 'moved on or is playing locally'. Thats why when you first meet someone, you keep your distance, give the other person a chance to miss you, to initiate contact. And don't invest too much emotion into them until they show also show their interest, that way if they start to drift, its not so much of an impact. Confidence will come with experience.

 

It could be that he's more comfortable with a casual approach, or not big on text conversations. But bottom line is you've made your continuing interest clear now its on him to reciprocate. But you should also let him know his seemingly disconnected behavior is concerning you, but casually so that you don't come off as whining, and his reply to that may tell you everything you need to know.

 

Well don't get me wrong, I've dated casually in the past 3 years. I've had my share of crushes and I've dated prospects that I thought would pan out, but they just didn't. When I met Zach (boyfriend), everything seemed so natural that I just went with it. If I rushed into things, he certainly did as well. So we're both to blame. Shortly before I went to visit him, we were having pillow talk one evening. I told him I'd already referred to him a couple times as my boyfriend. Maybe this wasn't a good thing for me to do/say, but I did. He told me he was okay with that and that he was having a hard time fighting the urge to do so until we met. Then, when we did meet, we made it official. Everything seemed to be going smoothly until recently, when things cooled off a bit.

 

I think the reason I resort to posting my concerns here rather than bringing them up to him is that I'm afraid to be vulnerable. But it's something I've got to get over and just do...because really, he's the only one who knows how he feels. He at least owes it to me to communicate that. And if he's the right guy, he'll listen and understand, rather than get defensive or make excuses. At least, that's what I think.