Wife in mid life crisis, was it just a one night stand?

[wanting to heal]

My wife thinks that she is really hot. Well, she is. She is in great shape. She is pretty, and tanned. I make a nice living and she goes to the gym every day, tans every other day. She dresses like a 25 yr old, but she can looks good. I even gave her a sports car last year.

 

I love my wife very much, I give her time and attention. I write notes, poems, send text msgs. I send flowers, call to say I love you. She tells me that I really show her the affection that a woman wants. ...Maybe even too much sometimes.

 

So, why did she get drunk on a girls night out and stay over at a girlfriend's house and have sex with a guy. He is a real user. But, he was the Bowflex guy. My wife is 43, he is 24. It sounds like a midlife crisis thing to me, but my wife says that she was simply drunk. Well, she had sex with him three hours after "last call". He works at her gym, and they were just acquaintances before now. What shocks me is that she knew that he had just come out of a two year affair with a married woman. He is not married. He got the other woman pregnant, she had a tubular pregnancy and she had to have a hysterectomy. Her husband forgave it, but then they started up again an he caught them. She divorced, and had a 14 and 9 yr old. Once she was divorced, he moved in. He left her within a month. Nice guy, huh?

 

My wife says that he and she had talked about their relationships. She was bitching about me, and he was eating it up. He befriended her, then took advantage at the first opportunity.

 

 

I was almost certain this could happen. My wife often makes me feel as if she is overqualified to be married to me. I am attractive, fit, make $150K a yr, a good father, and my wife is the only woman I have eyes for.

 

This hurts, and bad. I cannot understand it. I feel like a co-dependent pu$$y that should have thrown her out and made her come crawling back. The only problem is that if she came crawling back it might have been because she has no job skills or financial future without me.

 

We are in counseling, and it is helping. It just hurts a lot. I think it was a one-night stand, but the trust is hard to build at this point. She also had an improper situation 2 yrs ago. She was drunk then too, but she hardly ever touches alcohol. The counselor thinks that she is either seriously depressed or possibly bi-polar. I am just tired of hurting.

[sylviaguardian]

Wanting to heal,

 

I am sorry for your hurt. I am not sure if your wife is bi-polar or having a mid-life crisis. It sounds more to me like she feels entitled to do what she wants. You say she had an 'improper' situation 2 years ago. What was this, and how did you handle it?

 

There is always a tendency to look for a reason to blame a 'mistake' on, i.e. she was drunk/depressed/has a personality disorder. What you say about your wife feeling 'overqualified' makes me think more that it was something she can easily justify to herself.

 

There seems to be some sort of imbalance in the relationship. Why do you feel like a pu$$Y for not throwing her out? What have you done to let your wife know how unacceptable her behaviour is and how much she has hurt you?

 

Sylvia

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I hate to say this but it sounds like you married the wrong person. You seem like a good guy. She apparently feels she is entitled to do anything she wants and can have sex with another man half her age and put your health at great risk. I doubt that she used protection. You said she has another previous inappropriate relationship earlier. You are wasting your love on a woman who is narcissistic and does not respect or appreciate you. Wouldn't it be nice to be with a woman who truly loves and respects you? My guess is that she is still working out at the gym with this guy. She has very little respect for you. She is using drinking as an excuse for her behavior. She is using you and playing you for a fool. I suspect if you stay with her then your future will be a continuation of this type of behavior. She may be beautiful on the outside but when it come to you it seems quite ugly.

You deserve better than this. How do you think she would have been acting if the roles had been reversed. The bottom line is that she wanted to screw this guy half her age and could have cared less about your marriage and your feelings. You need to find someone who can respect you and it seems obvious that she does not respect you. I know it hurts but why waste the rest of your life on someone like this? Why are you settling for this? Apparently it is all about her. I wish you luck.

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by Bryanp

My guess is that she is still working out at the gym with this guy. She has very little respect for you. She is using drinking as an excuse for her behavior. She is using you and playing you for a fool. I suspect if you stay with her then your future will be a continuation of this type of behavior. She may be beautiful on the outside but when it come to you it seems quite ugly.

You deserve better than this. How do you think she would have been acting if the roles had been reversed. The bottom line is that she wanted to screw this guy half her age and could have cared less about your marriage and your feelings. You need to find someone who can respect you and it seems obvious that she does not respect you. I know it hurts but why waste the rest of your life on someone like this? Why are you settling for this? Apparently it is all about her. I wish you luck.

 

Do you think she is above you and that you are luck to have her? If you do she knows this also and she thinks she can do anything she wants and that you will never leave her. Do you find excuses for her behavior? Do you rationalize away your pain so you will not upset her?

 

If you do then you are in for a long road of the same behavior from her. She will never respect you until you stand on your own and think of your feelings and demand respect from her. Tell her what you will not tolerate in her behavior. Unless you see willingness to change from her I think you will be very unhappy.

[cranium]

My wife says that he and she had talked about their relationships. She was bitching about me, and he was eating it up. He befriended her, then took advantage at the first opportunity.

 

Talking about your relationship with other men is way out of line, and gives players like this OM just the opening they need.

I've heard this before. MW did the same thing with XOM co-worker. She is beautiful also and confided in him about our relationship; told him where she felt her needs weren't being met. Their A lasted for 10 months before I discovered. We have two children under 10, been together 18 years. Her OM is single and 12 years younger than she. He is also a real user. People know when they cross that line from friendship to affair; doesn't have to involve physical.

 

I feel like a co-dependent pu$$y that should have thrown her out and made her come crawling back.

 

I felt like this also. But, like you, I love my wife very much and only have eyes for her. MW still works with her OM and she tells me of any interaction they have. It has been 6 months since I found out; can't offer you a time-line on having the pain go away.

 

If this Bowflex guy still works at the gym, she needs to find somewhere else to workout. What does the counselor say about her having continued contact with this dude?

[Cecelius]

My continued salute to men bold enough to endure this kind of thing. Just make sure that you're doing the right thing for yourself. Your self respect and dignity now are paramount.

[reservoirdog1]

Given her personality as you describe it, it definitely sounds like she thinks she's hot s***... physically, at least. She knows that she has no marketable skills and is totally dependent on you for her nice livelihood, and the only thing she has going for her is her looks.

 

You have probably made the mistake that many of us have made, myself included. You showered her with too much attention and displayed too much cloying affection. That led her to conclude, as with my XW, that she could do what she wanted and you wouldn't say anything, and that you'd take her back. That developed into a total lack of respect for you. Sorry to say, but I'd be surprised if this was the first time she's cheated on you.

 

If you're interested in staying with her, you need to lay down the law. No more contact with him of any kind, ever. She cancels her gym membership. If she has another contact with him, you tell her you'll divorce her on grounds of adultery and fight for full custody of the children. She makes herself fully accountable to you, 24/7. She has no more privacy, except maybe in the bathroom. Effectively, you put her on probation, and she'd better watch her step.

 

I wish you luck, buddy...

[FolderWife]

To explain this:

 

My husband and I were getting along PERFECT. We had a long, and loving conversation about our future, right before I went to a friend's birthday party. This friend had a hhhhhhhhhhhot brother that I'd never spoken to until the party. Well...he had a few beers in him, and started being flirty with me. I was cold and he gave me one of his sweaters to wear...he smelled soooo good. He was a little younger than me, and like I said, HOT...and I would've never dreamed he'd flirt with ME. When I was leaving, he walked me to my car. Once outside, he asked me to come back inside to "talk"...in his bedroom.

 

Oh, I was SO attracted to him! But I was married. I didn't even THINK about my husband...the only reason I didn't do anything with him was because I was married, and a married woman shouldn't do that. It was a really stupid reason. The reason I didn't do it should've been because I loved my husband...not because I was a MARRIED woman!

 

I left the party, and the closer I got to home, the more guilty I felt, and the more thankful I was that I didn't do anything. My husband is gorgeous. I love my husband. I love our life. I can't believe that I wanted to do something with someone else! I just can't believe it! I could understand if we weren't getting along or something, but we were fine and happy and in love! And I wanted to do this other guy! And I still don't get it.

 

But I wanted that other guy, and if I'd drank any that night, I probably would've went with it.

 

So don't think her one night stand was about you. This guy was attractive, she'd seen him around, he was out of her league (what 24 year old hunk sleeps with a 40 something woman?) and she had some beer in her to get rid of any inhibitions (*and any sense*) and it happened. Don't think she doesn't love you.

[wanting to heal]

I thought I posted a long followup. It was mostly about the other improper situation. I cannot find the post.

[ggallin13]

Dude, what a bummer! I had a girlfriend cheat on me in a similar way, and I dumped her. Best thing I ever did. I put up with tons and tons of drama (more than I should) but I dropped her like a bad habit. I know it is way harder when you are married, but the pain you have now will only get worse when/if she does it again. Plus, how can you trust her ever again?

 

I also don't think being drunk is an excuse. I drink a lot, and I never do things like that no matter how hammered I get. I still now the difference between right and wrong, for god' sake. Is "I was drunk" an excuse for killing somebody? I think that cheating is very much the same thing.

 

My dad cheated on my mom, so I am rather harsh on this subject.

 

Oh, and as far as the guy eating up her complaining about you--OF COURSE HE DID! He doesn't care about your wife, he just saw a chance to get some.

 

Anywway, I would bite the bullet, dump her, and meet someone who apppreciates you whom you can trust. You will be way happier in the long run. From your description, you should have no trouble whatsoever getting anybody you want.

[wanting to heal]

I have been trying to tell the rest.

 

My wife got close to my daughter's boyfriend two years ago. He was 15 and he kept hanging around after he broke up with my daughter. I warned my wife about this, but one night she took him out to a nice restaurant. They both dressed up, she said that she wanted him to have a nice evening because his family is screwed up.

 

She drank some, then came home and wound up saying to him "I wanna fool around, but not get caught". I was out with a lady friend that night. We were getting too close, so when this happened I stopped seeing her. Me and the lady friend never got intimate, but I would be kidding myself to say that it was not headed there. I have not talked to her but once since, when she called to tell me that she had divorced.

 

This was a tough thing. My wife apologized, and she and the kid swear that nothing happened. She just took him home. I believe that nothing happened. My wife stayed away from the kid for a year, then he called a yr later wanting rides to school. I had a tracking device on her car, so I know that she only gave him a few rides to school. It bothers me that she did not tell me at first, but until that night she was nothing but a mother figure to him. Because nothing happened, my attorney said that there was no crime. I threw her out for two days, then gave her terms of a return. One of them was counseling, but she ended up not going. I should have insisted. Now she did this with the Bowflex guy. We are in counseling, and it helps. I have no room for other trysts, and she knows that. I just hope that there were none that I did not know about. I caught her in the proposition to the boy, and in the bowflex boy incident. Does that make it likely that there were others that were never confessed. I doubt it, but I may have my head in the sand.

[whichwayisup]

Geez...I feel for you big time.

 

OK, she seems to be totally taking advantage of you. She's younger, you're abit older than her. She is still like a puppy dog - Raring to go! Party it up, drinking and obviously she shouldn't be doing the drinking as she can't control herself. HELLO! Married, with children! She's not in a Sorority house yet she's acting like she is. Wanting to do what she wants when she wants. SPOILED.

 

I'm sorry for being harsh...Your post saying what she did with your daughter's EXbf just caught me off guard and it's so WRONG...So wrong. I can't believe she did that. To you, to your daughter, and to that boy. Man, is she ever lucky right now to have you in her life! Sadly she still doesn't get it. She has NO clue what her actions are going to do to you, the kids and life as she knows it. She's taking advantage of your life together, knowing she can get away with "little" things...To her that is what they are...To you, they're HUGE. She's not thinking with the normal healthy mind.

 

You say she is hot, she KNOWS she's hot...My best bet is she may still have some sort of insecurity- even though she's beautiful she is having a need to go out there and have men's attention. Maybe the intent at the start isn't to cheat on you, it's just to make herself feel better, but somehow it ends up that she cheats...She needs to work on herself and figure out why it is she can't just be with you. You don't seem to be doing anything wrong..You love her, you treat her well...But something isn't being met on her end, NOT your fault as she's (or maybe she will with councilling now)not opening up to you to tell you what she needs if it's missing.

 

Read DazednConfused's thread. It's long but very emotional...Maybe his story will shed some light for you and also help you through your ordeal here.

 

Keep posting and don't give up on her. You love her, she's your wife, mother of your kids...Now she needs to be 100% upfront with you on EVERYTHING. No lies, no hidden secrets, calls, stopby's etc.

 

Hang in there.

[wanting to heal]

I expect to get grilled and fried in this forum. She has her first private session with the counselor on Saturday. I encouraged the counselor to tell her to come totally clean. My wife already knows that she fights depression, and the counselor is sending her for medical help.

 

My wife is a great woman most of the time. That is what is so hard. She is a great Mom, and I think she really loves me. She does have a screw loose.

 

I just need to know that medication and counseling will make us happy again. I think it will work, I really do. The most important thing is that she comes totally clean. Totally. I could even stand to hear more sh*t from the past, as long as I know it is over. Like I said before, I caught her in both circumstances, so it is sometimes hard to believe that there were no others. Remember that with the boy she said "I wanna fool around, but not get caught". She told me both times that she would have told me. I found out the next day both times, so I do not know if she would have. I would like her to quit the gym. Letting her stay is only because I really believe that she knows that her behavior has been ridculous.

 

I feel that I am becoming the apple of her eye again. This is cool, and it is all I ever wanted to be.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry...I don't and didn't mean to come off as harsh as I did. That wasn't for you, it's just that what she's putting you through...That's all. I didn't meant to attack her, I'm sure she's a good mother and a good person..She's just making (or made) some bad choices.

 

Stick with the good stuff, the positives and know that it will pay off. Read Thumbingmyway's threads, his are inspirational too. He's as wise now as OWL .(sorry owl...Had to.)

 

The depression is part of this, definately. As long as she works on herself, whether it be meds or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (one on one) to get her back to where she should be. (I do CBT cuz I have an anxiety disorder) I understand that part of what it is that she is feeling...The lows etc.

 

I feel that I am becoming the apple of her eye again. This is cool, and it is all I ever wanted to be.

 

That's good. Just shield yourself abit.

[wanting to heal]

As I try to mend this mess:

 

She told me that the sexual experience was not good. Maybe that is what she is supposed to tell me. She said that after she and bowflex boy talked for a while, it got intimate. She said that it seemed he was getting impatient. She said that she decided to go with the feeling. She was a virgin when we married, and she admitted that she had curiosities. She said that when the act started she was on top, but there was not much lubrication and they were using a condom. (Funny, he happened to have one). She hates condoms. She said that he quickly turned her on her back and began to pound hard. She said that she looked at her ring and thought of how wrong it all was. Her fantasy was being rained on and he was just pounding away. They never made eye contact, and the whole thing lasted about 2 minutes. She said that she was about to tell him to stop because it was not good for her and the guilt was already setting in. He climaxed, rolled off of her and they sat back to back in the dark for minutes. She put the sheet over her and turned to him and said "We have to talk". She told him that she had just risked her marriage for this, and she felt as if he just f**ked her. He did not say much, just said that he was sorry if it was not good for her. He went to sleep on the couch next to her and got up early the next morning and left.

 

She did tell me that he had a big tool. She said that she thought that would be exciting, but it was not. She said that she felt like he had taken what he wanted. She went back to see him two days later to tell him again that it was a mistake. He came up with a story about the condom getting a pinhole in it, so that is why he was so quiet after the act. Sure, he could see a pinhole in a condom in the dark. She told him that it was over and that it was a mistake. She says that she has not talked to him since, other than to tell him the next week that she was not pregnant. Her friends at the gym do not know, other than the woman that works there whose house it happened at. She said that when she told the woman the next morning what happened, the woman said "You are both consenting adults". I know the woman was certainly an enabler. She is a manhater, so I think she thought that she was doing my wife a favor.

 

This sounds very Pollyanna, but that is how I must look at it. I will always wonder if it is all the truth. The first time we had sex after this happened (three days later), she cried and cried. She was an emotional wreck, telling me how she could not look at Bowflex Boy. It seemed very real, very real.

[wanting to heal]

I did tell the wife about the "dates" with the other woman. I did not have to tell her, but I wanted to start anew. She also knows that the woman called me months later. There is nothing else to tell my wife, nothing else happened.

 

We are reading "His Needs, Her Needs". It shows me that I was on my way to an affair. I really doubt that I would have crossed the line, however. I have told my wife that I am glad the friendship ended before I hurt myself and everyone else.

[Cecelius]

Mate, it's your life and your wife to decide what to do with, but at a MINIMUM, you should not have any sexual contact with her for at least 6 months and until she can show she didn't pick something up from the guy.

[wanting to heal]

We have gone back to a sex life. Bowflex boy was just screened to give blood about 5 weeks ago, and there were no STD's. That is what he told her, but she knew the screening happened because it was at her gym. My wife has an appt next week with the gynecologist. They did use a condom.

 

Our sex life has been much better. I feel that she is "re-claiming" me. I seem to have her attention and her eye again. I just have to see if that continues, but I believe that it will.

 

If she has anything, I will have to live with it. I really doubt it, because she says this was her only encounter. I will feel better when she goes to the doctor.

[wanting to heal]

Counseling, patience and conversation has made us much better.

 

My wife shows me what I need now. I see her remorse. I have chosen to forgive her. I have given her my trust again. I have made it clear that I have no more ability to survive being hurt. I think we are going to keep doing well. Our relationship is better now than it has been in years.

[wanting to heal]

I am healing

 

Counseling has helped a ton. She talks about "fixing herself". I have done the same. I take an anti-depression medicine and it really helps.

 

Our friendship is back, our love life is back and the kind woman I married is back. She made a mistake, and I forgive her. She has accepted my faults and I accept this.

 

Her affection to me shows each day and she is reinforcing that I am her choice.

 

We have started over, and it is refreshing. Our love is stronger than this mistake.