2 Years, do i reach out?

[freebird31]

My ex and I broke it off 2 years ago. I was completely devastated and it broke my heart, and left me damaged. There has been only 2 times of contact within the last 2 years. And no proper "closure."

 

I have been dating other guys. The first time I had kissed each of these two guys I dated in the past (different occasions of course), I for some reason cried. Memories of the feelings with my first love came back and it was overwhelming. The first guy I dated I really liked, but it did not work out for many reasons. One being that I still loved my ex.

 

Recently, my ex and I became friends on social media. I feel like this was a bad idea, but I accepted his request to "friend" me on social media anyway.

 

I feel as if I am scarred now, and sometimes haunted of bad feelings of my ex. The way he broke it off and broke my heart and didnt seem to be considerate to me after the break up (idk).

 

A friend suggested that I should reach out to him and speak with him in PERSON to get the closure that I never got. It has been two years since we have seen eachother. A part of me feels as if maybe i should take this risk for closure, but the other part tells me I should just unfriend him, and take an even bigger risk by moving on and never looking back.

 

I dont know what to do. We are still "friends" on social media. Although my friend thinks that reaching out would do me well because I will get that closure knowing that he really did appreciate the relationship, I feel as if it is too risky.

 

I think that I am a great catch. And if my ex couldnt see it, he is the one that doesnt deserve me. But (yes, even knowing this there is still a 'but') I still feel the scar so heavily. Especially when I become more intimate with someone else, the bad feelings and heartbreak seem to come back.

 

I want this feeling to go away. But i am not sure if getting "closure" by talking to him in person would be the best and smartest way. I just do not want this to continue to ruin potentially great relationships in my future. I really want to heal from this. I dont know how, i feel very lost being that it has been two years, and the pains come back especially during the times when I am trying to move on.

 

Any advice? Please, if you have any negative comments, please withhold them and keep them to yourself. I know it has been 2 years, I am doing my very best to heal and be happier in life, I know I may have not made the best decisions. I do not need wish to hear any demeaning comments they will not help me.

[Poppyolive]

Here's my thoughts:

 

You reach out for closure, it may just got to his head, it in a way puts him in "power" over your emotions. You don't want to do that, he's taken up enough space in your heart & mind already, don't let your healing lye in his hands.

 

Closure comes from within. Take it into your own hands. Yes, there may be unanswered questions, whys, and how could hes...gosh I have so many. You have to find peace with that and move forward. I think accepting his friend request has set you back, bringing pain, tears and hurt to the surface, please see it as another new layer to heal and bring you toward something greater. Not as a set back.

 

Also, if he reached out via friend request that is a sjhitty breadcrumb. Hes wanting you to take the next move, for you to ask questions, be friendly, whatever....its just an ego boost for him and possibly a way for him to shed some guilt. Hes got you exactly where he wants you..... errrmmm don't to it. Let him do some more work. take control!!!!!

[La.Primavera]

Is there anything he could say that would genuinely help you move on?

 

The other thing is would it do more damage if he said the right things? By that I mean it could reignite your feelings for him all over again which would cause you more confusion and hurt in the long run.

 

Its a tough one.

 

Don't feel bad about how long it has taken for you to get over him. A broken heart can take a long time to mend. I think that is why so many people choose to go no contact permanently, to try and forget.

[freebird31]

Here's my thoughts:

 

You reach out for closure, it may just got to his head, it in a way puts him in "power" over your emotions. You don't want to do that, he's taken up enough space in your heart & mind already, don't let your healing lye in his hands.

 

Closure comes from within. Take it into your own hands. Yes, there may be unanswered questions, whys, and how could hes...gosh I have so many. You have to find peace with that and move forward. I think accepting his friend request has set you back, bringing pain, tears and hurt to the surface, please see it as another new layer to heal and bring you toward something greater. Not as a set back.

 

Also, if he reached out via friend request that is a sjhitty breadcrumb. Hes wanting you to take the next move, for you to ask questions, be friendly, whatever....its just an ego boost for him and possibly a way for him to shed some guilt. Hes got you exactly where he wants you..... errrmmm don't to it. Let him do some more work. take control!!!!!

 

Thanks Poppyolive. I feel like I am leaning towards deleting him, and never looking back. For a long time he never even came to my mind. Never thought about him, was at peace. Then i started dating again, and THATS when it comes back.

 

 

Closure comes from within.

 

I love this. Those four words say it all.

 

 

please see it as another new layer to heal and bring you toward something greater. Not as a set back.

 

I like this positivity.

[freebird31]

Is there anything he could say that would genuinely help you move on?

 

The other thing is would it do more damage if he said the right things? By that I mean it could reignite your feelings for him all over again which would cause you more confusion and hurt in the long run.

 

Its a tough one.

 

Don't feel bad about how long it has taken for you to get over him. A broken heart can take a long time to mend. I think that is why so many people choose to go no contact permanently, to try and forget.

 

I thought about this too. I feel as if there is a chance I could fall for him all over again, and boy would that set me way back, way way back to day 1 of 2 years of hard work and healing.

 

 

Is there anything he could say that would genuinely help you move on?

 

When he broke up with me, he was a jerk. I would like for him to be sorry and apologize for the hurt he caused. I would also liked if he thanked me for the things I had done for him, and the times that I had been a good friend to him. I just would like to know he appreciated the relationship and me as a person. I sometimes feel like I was just some girl that came into his life, and he just used me up, made me open up and introduce him to my family (HE wanted to meet them, when I was very hesitant about this), then just went on his merry way and threw me out like trash. I feel unappreciated, I deserved more than how he handled the break up. But i know that is a little too much to ask for from him, he may still be very immature.

 

A broken heart can take a long time to mend.

 

I think it may take a lifetime, and a new lover when the time is right, who I am just as happy with, if not even happier, to officially help to truly heal from this.

Edited June 13, 2015 by freebird31

[La.Primavera]

I thought about this too. I feel as if there is a chance I could fall for him all over again, and boy would that set me way back, way way back to day 1 of 2 years of hard work and healing.

 

I can understand why you would want to avoid that.

 

 

When he broke up with me, he was a jerk. I would like for him to be sorry and apologize for the hurt he caused. I would also liked if he thanked me for the things I had done for him, and the times that I had been a good friend to him. I just would like to know he appreciated the relationship and me as a person. I sometimes feel like I was just some girl that came into his life, and he just used me up, made me open up and introduce him to my family (HE wanted to meet them, when I was very hesitant about this), then just went on his merry way and threw me out like trash. I feel unappreciated, I deserved more than how he handled the break up. But i know that is a little too much to ask for from him, he may still be very immature.

 

If you decide that it is too risky you could actually use this as fuel to help you get over him. Focusing on his negative points and how undeserving he is of your affection rather than the feelings of loss and nostalgia might help you feel differently towards him.

 

The truth is that you deserve so much more than he gave you. A great man would appreciate everything you do and would never let you go. The fact he didn't appreciate those things show he wasn't good enough for you anyway.

[freebird31]

So would u suggest that I unfriend him and move on with my life ..? Or should I just keep him as a friend. All in all, I know this is about me and taking back control. I know I can heal and I will try my very best to push through and use this as fuel. but I don't want him to feel he has that power over me if I unfriend him. I want him to feel like I am unaffected by it. But I guess that's risking seeing something hurtful that he might post in the future. All in all, I think I should just delete him and move on with my life like I already was doing.

[aloneinaz]

So would u suggest that I unfriend him and move on with my life ..? Or should I just keep him as a friend. All in all, I know this is about me and taking back control. I know I can heal and I will try my very best to push through and use this as fuel. but I don't want him to feel he has that power over me if I unfriend him. I want him to feel like I am unaffected by it. But I guess that's risking seeing something hurtful that he might post in the future. All in all, I think I should just delete him and move on with my life like I already was doing.

 

Closure isn't anything anyone should put value to. If you chatted w/him, likely you wouldn't get the truth and then only get a half heartfelt apology if at all. The truth is the relationship is dead and over and it's been a long time. How, why, what happened, who's at fault, etc..etc.. should be a moot point, especially after two years.

 

 

Yes, you should block him on all social media. You shouldn't want any contact w/him nor him having any idea what you're up to.

 

 

Then, put down your guard and let some other guys in that you date. You need to worry about you and you meeting the next great guy. You need to let go of this guy that ended your relationship and was a jerk about it two years ago.

[La.Primavera]

So would u suggest that I unfriend him and move on with my life ..?

 

Honestly, yes I would unfriend him. There will come a time when you see something he posts that is going to really hurt. It is also way too easy to look at everything he gets up to when you are having a weak moment.

 

I don't want him to feel he has that power over me if I unfriend him.

 

It is actually quite the opposite. If he deleted you would you feel like you had the power then? It is taking control of the situation and making a statement that he has no importance in your life.

 

Only you can decide if that feels right for you but if you do unfriend him you should feel proud of yourself for taking the first step towards moving on. It can be really hard but it is also liberating at the same time.

[LadyM]

I'm sure your friend is well-meaning, but she is giving you advice that will end up hurting you and setting you back. You will not get the closure you are seeking by speaking with your ex. There is never closure from an ex. No one gets it. It's just the way it is.

 

Absolutely delete him from social media. Keeping him around is pain just waiting to happen and it will devastate you. You don't need that. Do what is best for your healing. Follow your instincts because they know what's right.

 

Take as much time as you need to heal, because I know you WILL heal. You're doing great!

[Itspointless]

freebird, you spoke with him before, he was insensitive to your needs then, why would he be sensitive now?

 

As I see it you try to hard to be/feel normal or have relationships, you are still young and have plenty of time. And why not accept that you are still hurting? For that healing you do not need him. I accept that I miss my short-lived girlfriend after 1.5 years. I wish she did not became ill and did what she always does with stress, push away and suppress feelings to simply forget them. What could she say to me to alleviate what I have felt? all things she could possibly say have been said. her inability to really answer after a few months was my answer. But do not be mistaken even an answer does not mean that the grief has been entirely processed: its just a shift of balance that gives the know-how with way to go. If it takes you more than two years than it takes you more years. Delete him, who cares what he thinks. Now it is about you.

 

I hope you read the books you purchased.

[BC1980]

So would u suggest that I unfriend him and move on with my life ..? Or should I just keep him as a friend. All in all, I know this is about me and taking back control. I know I can heal and I will try my very best to push through and use this as fuel. but I don't want him to feel he has that power over me if I unfriend him. I want him to feel like I am unaffected by it. But I guess that's risking seeing something hurtful that he might post in the future. All in all, I think I should just delete him and move on with my life like I already was doing.

 

Freebird, from a place of genuine concern for you over the years, you can't move on because you continue to recycle the same thoughts over and over. You keep looking to him to help you in some way, and he simply can't do that. Block and delete him. He cannot provide you any closure, yet you continue to look to him for all the answers. The answers lie within you. You are stronger than you think, and you don't deserve to be burdened by this any longer.

[freebird31]

I have deleted him. I'm really ready to move on, I have been ready! I guess I still have that scar but that is something that I will have to work on to heal. It feels good to take back control. Thanks everyone.

[spiderowl]

I think it best if you delete him and find other ways to find closure. We all have a strong need for closure and I can see that this break-up has affected you really badly. If you are struggling to embark on new relationships because of this heartbreak, then it may help you to get counselling or some kind of positive therapy to help you over this.

 

If you seek closure from him, you are likely to get evasion or throw-away reasons that just give rise to more questions and hurt. He was just not who you thought he was and nothing is going to change that. The right guy for you would not have hurt you, he just wouldn't. Your ex has disqualified himself and by doing so has lost you. You need to respect yourself and decide that he doesn't deserve YOUR time or interest again.

 

Venturing into the minefield of communicating with him is not likely to help you. What might help is spending time with people who love you and value you. Find out about the counselling as you are still struggling. Realise how undeserving he is.

[Silver Taurus]

Spiderowl gives you sound advice as do the other posters. I am 2 years post break up myself and my dumper did reach out to me first about 9 months into no contact...when I was finally not thinking of him every minute of every day. Breadcrumbs that set my healing back months. I kept the door open then, hoping for an apology, for my closure, which came in the form of "I should be sorry".

 

What finally got me my closure was finishing his apology in my head. "I should be sorry, but I'm not"...that's when I truly understood closure coming from within.

 

 

Save yourself any more agony. He is not worthy of you or any more of your time. Find the one who is.

[Zapbasket]

I'm sending good thoughts your way, Freebird. I, too, am nearing two years out from a very painful breakup, that drove me to really look at some things about myself. I have held up very well, but truth is I still feel very hurt, deep down. I just try to use that hurt to improve my present circumstances and hone a deeper perspective on things. There is no time limit to heartbreak, and from my own experience I can say that accepting where you are in the moment, wherever that is, does more than barraging yourself with "shoulds" ever will.

 

I understand very well that feeling of wanting some kind of "closure," such as it is, from the person who treated you so disrespectfully. I, too, feel like I was just discarded without any real care and it sucks. It all sucks. But then you have to remind yourself that you are NOT discardable, that you DO matter and anyone who could throw YOU away is not worth bothering with. For me, this is a daily practice, reminding myself of my worth, and visualizing what kind of relationship I will hold out for in the future. I am decidedly on a "guy-atus" while I sort through all this, and I think that is a good thing. There's no rush.

 

Of course, I struggle with all this daily. But I know I get stronger, and you will, too. Hang in there, fellow griever.

[freebird31]

I very well know what I deserve. I have wisened up to realize that me and my ex are better off going our separate ways. I could never get back together with my ex now, because he already lost me. And that's okay, because I feel like I am a better person because of it. I know what I want and I know what I deserve. I know what I have to offer, and my future partner will be one hell of a lucky guy. I feel like my ex was just a learning lesson, a painful one. I could never go back now, it's way past due. I've had enough and I am really ready to move on to find someone who is worth my time and who will appreciate me like I will appreciate them.

 

It still hurts and I know it may still hurt for a while, but it will get better. I feel a lot better now that I deleted him

[Itspointless]

I've had enough and I am really ready to move on to find someone who is worth my time and who will appreciate me like I will appreciate them.

Why won't you forget finding someone for a while?