When men act inappropriately on a date is it on purpose or they don't know better?

[GemmaUK]

I guess if I had known the guy's age earlier I would have written a different response to your initial post.

 

I would have said something more along the lines of ..well..do you fancy him and want a bit of fun? If you do then invite him over and go for it!

 

The first post made it sound like they were both serious dating prospects for you who were then inappropriate towards you and you didn't appear to like it.

[MonorailCat]

I applaud - specifically that Gaeta owns her sexuality and lives it on her terms.

 

In my mind "owning your sexuality" would be more like "hey, met a hot guy last week and we had great sex" and not "meh, all men are sleazy .. I want to be treated like a lady. Where are all the gentleman?" and then have sex with the one guy of the multitude of prospects that acts completely opposite to that. It's just not congruent.

[Gaeta]

In my mind "owning your sexuality" would be more like "hey, met a hot guy last week and we had great sex" and not "meh, all men are sleazy .. I want to be treated like a lady. Where are all the gentleman?" and then have sex with the one guy of the multitude of prospects that acts completely opposite to that. It's just not congruent.

 

All I want it so meet a regular guy, my age, that has his act together and keeps a healthy life style. Show me one and I'll be right there.

 

Prospect 1 is still texting and calling after I said no thank you 3 days ago. Prospect 3 has been calling every 15 minutes since 9h30 this morning. Are those the regular men I am suppose to go after?

 

My last boyfriend was a regular guy. A hard working man, good father, kept active. He asked for exclusivity on our 3rd date and we had sex on our 4th one. We had a great relationship till he left the country a few months later.

 

If I expected a relationship from prospect 2 then I can see where your theory applies. I had multiple prospects, none turned out to be viable choices, I had my pick to have casual sex and I picked the hot one, what a surprise eh?

[TandyLynn9]

Call me crazy but I think since being compatible intimately is very important in my relationships I see nothing wrong with what she did with prospect #2. At this early stage it was sex. But it was also a test of sorts.

She's giving him the option of moving on now that he potentially got what he was after. If he continues to see her outside of the bedroom then great. If not then there is not really any emotional investment on either end and they both had a great time.

I mean she's attracted to him obviously. Why not have fun. If the roles were reversed everything would just be the norm. Guys do it all the time. Not all guys, but many.

There is nothing wrong with taking things slow, saving sex until much later down the road, if that's what you both want. But there is also nothing wrong with being intimate with someone early on if that's something you both want and feel is important to continue pursuing a person.

[carhill]

Regular men have lives; family, friends, hobbies, work. Women can be a part of that and, in time and with substantial interaction, perhaps an important part. These guys are still selling, IMO. Is it working?

[katiegrl]

I didn't see the post where he confirmed he was only after sex, all I saw was the one where he had said he wasn't a sleaze which I took as not being just after sex. My apologies for missing that bit of info.

 

However, if that is what you both wanted that's all fine if you were just after one off sex or an FB.

 

**In your other post though you said 'now that's out of the way you'll wait and see if his interest was more than just sex' which makes it sound like it wasn't just for the sex and that you are hoping he'll be back and wanting to date - or that you are going to now wait and see***.

 

It's a bit contradictory and confusing in the written word, maybe that's how it comes over on dates too? IDK? You seem to get a few guys who invite themselves over so perhaps the messages you are sending out on dates are that you're OK with that.

You seem not to want that to happen and then you instigate it.

 

Yeah, I guess I am a little confused as well.

 

Gaeta, you said you got what you wanted. Sex. Fabulous!

 

The confusion for me is because you have been saying for months (maybe longer I have only been here a few months) that what you want is a "relationship." NOT just sex.

 

Is that not what all your numerous threads have been about? You wanting a relationship and how you have not been able to find a man with whom to have one for TEN years? That they never stick around long enough for a committed relationship to ever be established?

 

And then yeah Gemma's third paragraph (in asterisk)....implying you do desire a relationship with this hot 39 year old Adonis. But the ball is in his court now, so you will just have to wait and see.

 

But then now saying, a relationship with him was off the table, so you had sex.

 

Can you not see how that might be confusing to some (or most of us) reading your threads?

 

What DO you want.... or does it depend on the guy? Or on the time of day? What?

 

I am not asking that to be flip..I would genuinely like to know. I have read your threads and have spent time drafting thoughtful responses, as we all have. Would like to think those responses were all for naught.

 

In any event, I am glad you had a great time too. Has he contacted you today, or don't you care?

Edited June 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Regular men have lives; family, friends, hobbies, work. Women can be a part of that and, in time and with substantial interaction, perhaps an important part. These guys are still selling, IMO. Is it working?

 

What do you mean they're still selling?

 

And why do you assume they don't have lives, family, work, friends and hobbies?

 

Prospect 3 has a great job and he also plays saxophone in a band, That's sexy!! but he is SO freakin cligny it makes my skin crawl.

[Krieger]

When men act inappropriately on a date is it on purpose or they don't know better?

 

It is that some men get away with it for example woman have sex/ date them with them so they keep on doing it.

 

If a woman acted inappropriate she might not get a second date depending on what she did .

[Redhead14]

I applaud - specifically that Gaeta owns her sexuality and lives it on her terms.

 

We love you Gaeta, but you aren't owning your sexuality and living on your own terms. I say this because you are inconsistent. If you were owning it, you would be setting terms for yourself and sticking to them.

 

You give sound advice to other posters, yet do not apply it to your own situations.

 

You say you've dated a 100+ men. That's great. But part of the reason you've gone through so many, is that you switch things up to accommodate a particular man and scenario. You manipulate yourself and your approach with each guy to see if it can be made to "happen". That gets confusing.

[Gaeta]

The confusion for me is because you have been saying for months (maybe longer I have only been here a few months) that what you want is a "relationship." NOT just sex.

I do want a relationship and I want it with the right man.

 

Is that not what all your numerous threads have been about? You wanting a relationship and how you have not been able to find a man with whom to have one for TEN years?

I have been looking for 3,5 years.

 

And then yeah Gemma's third paragraph (in asterisk)....implying you do desire a relationship with this hot 39 year old Adonis. But the ball is in his court now, so you will just have to wait and see.

I did want a relationship with him but my illusion died that evening late he suggested I invite him for dinner. When he offered lunch the following morning I thought it could be salvaged but people on here kept saying he just knows his game and I felt that was probably accurate so at the very last minute I decided I was going to control the situation myself and decided to act on that attraction and get it out of the way. By doing that I know the rules and expectations change.

 

What DO you want.... or does it depend on the guy? Or on the time of day? What?

I want a serious, stable, loving relationship. Meanwhile I can live in the moment and break rules once in a while. It seems to be ok for men to do so but unacceptable for a woman.

 

In any event, I am glad you had a great time too. Has he contacted you today, or don't you care?

 

Last night he contacted me but not this morning.

 

When he left my place we were saying good bye and it was one of those really long good byes where you don't want to let go. At some point I said OK! get out before I pull you back in tie up down so you don't leave. He replied: Don't tie me down, let me free I will always come back to you.

 

That's open for all kinds of interpretation.

[GemmaUK]

See, I always see it that you're asking for advice on whether someone is a real potential or not.

I don't assume that the guy is ten years younger ever.

I assume he is about your age.

 

Bearing that in mind I'll give advice on what I think is a good or a not so good prospect.

If I knew that your own intentions were all for fun that changes the advice completely.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with some fun and one of the things to care less about is communication and dates and all of that as no one has any obligations to each other. Standards don't need to be high, fun is the main priority.

 

The guy you dated for 6 months (is he the one you mentioned above?), I go back to him when I think of what you said you wanted.

He would stay in on a Saturday night to do laundry, you would be the one initiating and chasing up dates and he wanted an arranged marriage so asked you and also was considering someone else just to get his visa so he didn't have to leave the country.

I recall you saying at the time why could you not find a great guy who would treat you, take you out on dates, you then could do the same in return and it be more of an equal loving happy relationship.

You lead at work and you said you were looking for a man that would lead you rather than you coax him and then have to make all the plans.

 

My responses are always based on the 'what you say you want' part so I (clearly wrongly) assume you have serious intentions.

I think that is perhaps what a lot of others here do also.

 

If your own intentions were clearer with each particular guy then the responses may be more in line with the nature of each date/guy.

 

Just a thought.

[carhill]

What do you mean they're still selling?

 

And why do you assume they don't have lives, family, work, friends and hobbies?

 

Prospect 3 has a great job and he also plays saxophone in a band, That's sexy!! but he is SO freakin cligny it makes my skin crawl.

The guy who is calling every 15 minutes on a Sunday impels 'where is his life?' Calling an essential stranger on a Sunday every 15 minutes? Since I'm a bit older and get confused with multiple potentials, if he's the sex guy then he's over-doing the 'call after sex' rule, terribly. To me, this is reading like a script. When he calls, is he talking about walking his dog, visiting his mother, going out for a beer with a friend, taking his bike out in the canyon for a Sunday run, what? That's what men with lives do. Live them.

[katiegrl]

We love you Gaeta, but you aren't owning your sexuality and living on your own terms. I say this because you are inconsistent. If you were owning it, you would be setting terms for yourself and sticking to them.

 

You give sound advice to other posters, yet do not apply it to your own situations.

 

You say you've dated a 100+ men. That's great. But part of the reason you've gone through so many, is that you switch things up to accommodate a particular man and scenario. You manipulate yourself and your approach with each guy to see if it can be made to "happen". That gets confusing.

 

Confusing for the guy too no doubt.

 

I mean, I think he got that inviting himself over for dinner was inappropriate, so apologized, came back with asking you to lunch. Note, he "got it" because your behavior at that point reflected you are NOT the type to just jump into bed. And he respected that, and wanted to take you to lunch.

 

So you agree to lunch, intentionally put on your sexiest dress that pushes your boobs up to your head (your words)... invite him over and proceed to immediately jump into bed!

 

Not judging cause you had sex with him on first (or second?) date. As most of you know, my bf and I had sex the first night we met, and are still together give years later.

 

I am just confused as to what you actually want, tis all. As I suspect the guys you date are as well, which may be why you are finding it so difficult to find "the one."

[Gaeta]

See, I always see it that you're asking for advice on whether someone is a real potential or not.

I don't assume that the guy is ten years younger ever.

I assume he is about your age.

 

Sorry I should have mentioned it but you guys also know I often date younger, not that I am seeking younger men, they're seeking me and sometimes that is all I have for options as men my age are too busy spending their Saturday afternoon watching sports while eating their burritos and drinking beer.

 

Bearing that in mind I'll give advice on what I think is a good or a not so good prospect.

If I knew that your own intentions were all for fun that changes the advice completely.

I am initially never looking for fun. My initial intention is always seeking a relationship but sometimes terms change along the way.

 

The guy you dated for 6 months (is he the one you mentioned above?), I go back to him when I think of what you said you wanted. He would stay in on a Saturday night to do laundry, .

Not the same man. The boyfriend that left the country was before I joined LS. There is no thread about my relationship with him.

 

If your own intentions were clearer with each particular guy then the responses may be more in line with the nature of each date/guy.

Yes I agree. But at the same time I don't want to be rigid to a point I end up rejecting prospects after prospects and never have fun, or sex, or never just be spontaneous when I feel like it.

 

When a prospect acts like a gentleman I don't seduce him on a second date.

[katiegrl]

I do want a relationship and I want it with the right man.

 

I have been looking for 3,5 years.

 

I did want a relationship with him but my illusion died that evening late he suggested I invite him for dinner. When he offered lunch the following morning I thought it could be salvaged but people on here kept saying he just knows his game and I felt that was probably accurate so at the very last minute I decided I was going to control the situation myself and decided to act on that attraction and get it out of the way. By doing that I know the rules and expectations change.

 

I want a serious, stable, loving relationship. Meanwhile I can live in the moment and break rules once in a while. It seems to be ok for men to do so but unacceptable for a woman.

 

 

 

Last night he contacted me but not this morning.

 

When he left my place we were saying good bye and it was one of those really long good byes where you don't want to let go. At some point I said OK! get out before I pull you back in tie up down so you don't leave. He replied: Don't tie me down, let me free I will always come back to you.

 

That's open for all kinds of interpretation.

 

Thank you for clarifying! Fair enough....it seems you know what you want, and when you find it, you will know.

 

In the meantime, enjoy and have fun.

 

Again, won't judge as I have been saying all along to be flexible, take each experience as it comes, be true to yourself and go with the flow.

 

Which is what you are doing!

 

So carry on...and as for this guy, I hope he calls! Sounds like you both had a fab time...it would be nice to see if it leads to anything. If not, that's okay too!

 

Keep us posted!

[ascendotum]

At this early stage it was sex. But it was also a test of sorts.

She's giving him the option of moving on now that he potentially got what he was after. If he continues to see her outside of the bedroom then great. If not then there is not really any emotional investment on either end and they both had a great time.

 

I'm fine with that too as long as women will be consistent with all guys. No hot guys get a free pass on being disrespectful and having red flags and get to go straight to Go and get sex, but the less attractive ones have to hop all around the board before they land on Go and get some after proving they are a gentleman who wants to treat a lady proper. Women complain about where have all the gentleman gone these days and guys getting pushy for sex with OLD, but really many guys are playing the dating game that women have been relaxing the rules on over the last 20 odd yrs except more are wanting to play with the 'hot/assertive nsa guy' rules rather than the 'nice committed bf who has to prove himself' rules. Though seems G has a few of the later niblbing at the bait, but it doesn't look like they will get reeled in. Kudos for her being upfront on her prospect#2 when she could have easily pretended otherwise and gone along with people's sentiments that inappropriate behavior is not rewarded when many here know full well lit often does if you are fit to ****.

 

I get that a hot guy will inspire women to go against their better judgment, ok so fine then just admit then that there are two sets of rules (and just put up with the wrath of the hardup guys).

Edited June 14, 2015 by ascendotum

[katiegrl]

I'm fine with that too as long as women will be consistent with all guys.

 

***No hot guys get a free pass on being disrespectful and having red flags and get to go straight to Go and get sex, but the less attractive ones have to hop all around the board before they land on Go and get some after proving they are a gentleman who wants to treat a lady proper. ***

 

Wommen complain about where have all the gentleman gone these days and guys getting pushy for sex with OLD, but really many guys are playing the dating game that women have been relaxing the rules on over the last 20 odd yrs except more are wanting to play with the 'hot/assertive nsa guy' rules rather than the 'nice committed bf who has to prove himself' rules. Though seems G has a few of the later niblbing at the bait, but it doesn't look like they will get reeled in. Kudos for her being upfront on her prospect#2 when she could have easily pretended otherwise and gone along with people's sentiments that inappropriate behavior is not rewarded when many here know full well lit often does if you are fit to ****.

 

Quote in asterisk -- I think if a woman ONLY wants sex, she is going to want to have it with a guy she finds hot, as opposed to guy she does not find hot. Duh.

 

SAME as a man -- with a woman.

 

I think if she ONLY wants sex, she doesn't give a rat's rear end whether he is being disrespectful or not. She doesn't want anything from him other than sex, so what does it matter?

 

Same as if a man ONLY wanted sex, he wouldn't care how the hell a woman treats him. He just wants sex, and chances are will probably not even see her again.

 

Personally for ME, I never ONLY want sex. So I need to be attracted to the guy, but I also need for him to be respectful.

 

But there are many women who DO *only* want sex, and for them, again they are gonna want to have sex with a guy they find attractive, as opposed to a guy they find less attractive. Regardless of how he treats her. She doesn't care, she ONLY wants sex.

 

Same as a man! :bunny:

[Weezy1973]

Quote in asterisk -- I think if a woman ONLY wants sex, she is going to want to have it with a guy she finds hot, as opposed to guy she does not find hot. Duh.

 

SAME as a man -- with a woman.

 

I think if she ONLY wants sex, she doesn't give a rat's rear end whether he is being disrespectful or not. She doesn't want anything from him other than sex, so what does it matter?

 

Same as if a man ONLY wanted sex, he wouldn't care how the hell a woman treats him. He just wants sex, and chances are will probably not even see her again.

 

Personally for ME, I never ONLY want sex. So I need to be attracted to the guy, but I also need for him to be respectful.

 

But there are many women who DO *only* want sex, and for them, again they are gonna want to have sex with a guy they find attractive, as opposed to a guy they find less attractive. Regardless of how he treats her. She doesn't care, she ONLY wants sex.

 

Same as a man! :bunny:

 

Actually slightly different for men and women (studies have actually been done). When it comes to NSA sex, men lower their standards when it comes to looks whereas women raise their standards. Men raise their standards looks wise when it comes to marriage.

 

For example, a 39 year old Adonis might lower his standards for NSA sex, and would push for that early with a woman a decade older than him, whereas if she was a 29 year old swimsuit model, he might court her in the traditional sense, hoping she might consider him for a serious relationship.

[katiegrl]

Actually slightly different for men and women (studies have actually been done). When it comes to NSA sex, men lower their standards when it comes to looks whereas women raise their standards. Men raise their standards looks wise when it comes to marriage.

 

For example, a 39 year old Adonis might lower his standards for NSA sex, and would push for that early with a woman a decade older than him, whereas if she was a 29 year old swimsuit model, he might court her in the traditional sense, hoping she might consider him for a serious relationship.

 

Interesting.

 

But what if the 49 year old woman looked like a 29 year old swim suit model?

 

Is it just her age that would be the determining factor? As opposed to how attracted he was to her? Assuming what he wanted (in general) was a relationship.

Edited June 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[Weezy1973]

Interesting.

 

But what if the 49 year old woman looked like a 29 year old swim suit model?

 

Is it just her age that would be the determining factor? As opposed to how attracted he was to her? Assuming what he wanted (in general) was a relationship.

 

There's attracted enough to have NSA sex, and there's attracted enough to pursue a relationship. The level of attraction is lower for NSA than it is for a relationship. As a woman, you can tell what a man is interested in fairly early. If he pushes for sex early, he's likely not interested in pursuing a relationship (there are exceptions of course).

 

Waiting to have sex, for the most part, is beneficial to both men and women when it comes to the courting stage of the relationship. Men generally, when it comes to marriage (or LTRs), would prefer to be with a woman who hasn't had sex with a lot of men. A woman that makes a man wait for sex is sending out the signal that she doesn't sleep with a lot of men.

 

Conversely a man that is willing to wait for sex and still pursue a woman, is sending out signals that he is not just looking for sex, but is sticking around because he is interested in the woman and sees her as potential relationship material.

 

And again - there are always exceptions. But that's how it works in general.

 

There was a thread awhile back about lessons from dating and this is what I posted:

 

1. Know your own values. Write them down if you have to.

2. Know what you want out of dating (i.e. casual sex? FWB? long term relationship? marriage and kids?)

3. Behave in ways consistent with your values and consistent with what you want out of dating (i.e. have integrity).

 

The problem Gaeta is having is that she is not doing the above. She really seems all over the place about her own values, what she wants from dating, and her behaviour is not consistent with any of it.

[toscaroscura]

Why are all you guys with an axe to grind suddenly casting Prospect 1 as a poor, regular, decent, relationship-worthy bloke now, cruelly dumped in favor of the Hot Adonis, Game-Playing Prospect 2. You are all assuming far too much to fit your victim narrative where the girl dumps a nice guy for the jerk.

 

The guys were both jerks. But Prospect 2, aside from being more attractive TO GAETA (this does not mean he is some kind of male model rival that your minds dream up to torment you!), redeemed himself to her in a way, whereas Prospect 1 just continued to blow up her phone and push boundaries. No thank you. That's some crazy stalker stuff, there.

 

The bottom line is, we don't know Gaeta IRL or these guys so we can't assume her story fits so neatly into that ridiculous "nice guys finish last" mentality.

 

I have a story for you.

 

I was interested in a co-worker once. He was gorgeous! He was also older than me (10 years), seemed mature and calm. He had a deadpan humor that I loved. I ended up going out with him (and some other friends, it wasn't a date) and I flirted pretty hard with him. He remarked to our mutual friend with a smile that I liked him a lot. But alas, I was not his type so he did not reciprocate. His type is really hot, 20 something girls that make his life never ending drama. In the past year I have gotten to know him better as a friend and have seen this. This has happened many times to me over my life, where a man will look me over for a hot, crazy girl. But do I whine and carry on that "nice girls finish last" and maybe I should just act all crazy and bi*chy to get guys, they are all shallow turds, etc. No. Maybe when I was a teenager, but we all GROW UP.

 

Edit: and I have to laugh at the irony of "why didn't the girl choose to sleep with ME over that hot jerk?!" mixed with "Ugh, if she wants to sleep with ME it must mean she is a giant Slutty Mcslut. I have a strict Penis Limit for my GFs!" How do you reconcile these two viewpoints??

Edited June 14, 2015 by toscaroscura

[Gaeta]

The problem Gaeta is having is that she is not doing the above. She really seems all over the place about her own values, what she wants from dating, and her behaviour is not consistent with any of it.

 

I know what I want but I am unwilling to play prude at 49, I lost my virtue a long time ago. To me having sex has nothing to do with values, respect or integrity. It's a fair exchange of sex for sex between 2 consenting adults.

 

I know most posters on here are conservative Americans and my liberal views are a bit out there for them, in my culture we happen to have very liberal views on sex and there no concept of 'giving it up'. Women high-5 each other for getting great sex just like men do.

[preraph]

If their mama or daddy didn't teach them manners, then they may always be inappropriate. But the ONLY way to teach them as adults is by drawing the line and not giving in. You did the right thing.

[Gaeta]

So hot adonis just texted morning with kisses.

[Gaeta]

Edit: and I have to laugh at the irony of "why didn't the girl choose to sleep with ME over that hot jerk?!" mixed with "Ugh, if she wants to sleep with ME it must mean she is a giant Slutty Mcslut. I have a strict Penis Limit for my GFs!" How do you reconcile these two viewpoints??

 

Thank you!