Why am I perpetually single?

[BigB]

ahh.. the woes of the single "nice Guys"..... do they ever stop? It's 4:30am, sorry if this is a little disorganized, I'm tired.

 

Anyone feel like helping me figure out Why am I perpetually single?

 

I can't seem to figure out why I never meet any girls that are interested in a relationship with me... Or even a date. I think I'm a pretty nice guy, average looking, people tell me I'm good looking. I'm smart, kinda shy, I like good conversation, movies, music, the outdoors, I treat girls great, but it doesn't seem to get me anywhere.

 

Girls used to chase after me in high school, but I was shy, and picky about wanting something "real" so I've never dated much.

 

I had a GF for almost a year in 8th grade, a 2 day fling when I was 18, and a 2 year relationship after that, we lived together for about 8 months.

 

I see other guys who have a new GF 3 weeks after their last one and I just can't figure out how they do it. Maybe it's because I only seek out meaningful relationships?, and don't go around asking out every pretty girl I see?

 

On another forum I frequent someone posted a topic "Why are you single? List a reason or two." and I listed:

 

work nights and weekends

shy

picky (not picky about looks, picky about wanting a real connection)

overweight

smoker

 

and someone posted "Honestly just fix one of those and you'll improve your chances significantly. Guaranteed. "

 

and this got me thinking... Could it be that simple?

 

I'm going to be 27 in two months, that means I've been single for a little over 6 years. Not even so much as a date or kiss. I can't remember exactly when I broke up with my EXGF, but I do remember being single on my 21st birthday.

 

Honestly the first 2 years of that time I was still getting over my EX, moved to a different state, started a new job, etc. So finding a GF wasn't a priority at the time. Since then I've been looking, but without any luck.

 

I feel like I'm completely over my EX (if I think about her, or someone talks about her it doesn't stir up any emotions), that I learned a lot from that relationship, that I'm ready for a new one, that I don't NEED a GF, that I'm happy being single, so I think I'm ready.

 

I know that working nights and weekends doesn't help me much in this area, but there isn't a lot I can do about that right now. I'm stuck working here until I figure out a new career.

 

I'm sort of a loner, I don't go to bars much, and I'm to shy to just ask out random strangers. I've always waited until I met a girl and sensed a mutual attraction/interest. But those situations were so much more frequent when I was in high school (my last relationship started in high school).

 

I've got a pretty big group of great friends that I hang out and socialize with as much as my schedule allows, but many of them are in relationships, getting married, etc. so the parties are getting less frequent, smaller, and with always the same people attending. Not much in the way of "new blood".

 

Maybe I'm just not putting myself into situations where I'm meeting new people?

 

A friend of mine came into town recently, she's been in Australia for the past 3 years, and she asked "do you have a GF?" I said no, then she asked "why not?, your so cute", and I said the same thing I always do "I don't know"... maybe it's just my birthday coming up and the realization that I'm almost 30, but I feel like I need to figure out the answer to that question...

 

thanks for listening,

BigB

[alphamale]

Originally posted by BigB

I'm a pretty nice guy

 

I treat girls great

 

your two main problems are listed above BIGB. Try not being so "nice" and treating gurls "great" all the time. It works!

[Marshbear]

You can be nice but don't be a door mat. If things aren't as you want don't be afraid to change them. Be the first one to leave, don't just hang around until she decides it's over. Women like confidence and fun. You put to much pressure on things and people get nervous. DOn't be so serious.

 

You have to show people that you are someone they want to be around and want to know better. Be friendly but not to nice. Be confident but not cocky. Look for a more outgoing girl since you are shy. You will hit it off better. Don't try to change yourself to much though. Just be you, kicked up a notch, and you will find your gal.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Originally posted by alphamale

your two main problems are listed above BIGB. Try not being so "nice" and treating gurls "great" all the time. It works!

 

He's right about that. Girls are drawn to the bad boy image. Me on the other hand like the nice dorky guys. I'll date ya!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue

Me on the other hand like the nice dorky guys. I'll date ya!

 

I can't believe you're 2-timing me already, NoClue! After I ordered a vat of whipped cream specially

 

OK, to the advice. This nice guy/bad boy thing has some validity, but it gets way overdone IMO. Some girls like bad boys, some like nice guys. But most like nice guys who can be bad boys on the appropriate occasion.

 

Lose weight and quit smoking. Not only will this make you more attractive in itself, just the act and attitude of self-improvement is a huge turn-on to girls. If you don't believe me, try telling female friends you're doing this and watch their reaction.

 

Meet more women. And be realistic about your standards - the tendency if you're single for a while is to get way too picky. You'll know this if you start meeting new girls and none measures up.

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

And be realistic about your standards - the tendency if you're single for a while is to get way too picky. You'll know this if you start meeting new girls and none measures up.

 

Amen. Being to picky is a sure fire way to stay single....

[maxzoom]

Max says "gotta be bad to girls road" is one that eventually leads to unsatisfactory relationships. It'll work to get laid now and then but your soul will remain unfullfilled, even if you marry the girl in the end. How much fun can it be to be maied to a girl that'll say with you only because you make her feel like crap.

 

It's true you can't be a doormat or a wimp.....just stop being picky and unassertive...Max thinks that's what's killing you. There are lots and lots of women out there sighing away in loneliness on Friday nights wondering why they too are alone. Put yourself out there...start making friends in any context...ask them out for a coffee, lunch, a walk, a shopping trip...no dates at the beginning...let the date develop by itself.. with all kinds of women young old, fat slim, pretty, plain...you don't have to be interested in them as a partner necessarily, just get to know them...learn from them...get comfortable around them...

 

In time you'll be less shy, less picky, and less alone. Also start buying and reading every kinda book you can find about...self esteem, relationships, success, flirting, etc. alao read women's magazines, just don't believe 'em all. make your life a project and work full time on it. Now get outta here.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Marshbear

Amen. Being to picky is a sure fire way to stay single....

yeah MARSHBEAR, being too picky is just as bad/painful as lowering yer standards just to find someone.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

I can't believe you're 2-timing me already, NoClue! After I ordered a vat of whipped cream specially

 

Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry baby I will never EVER do that to my snookums again

[BigB]

Originally posted by alphamale

your two main problems are listed above BIGB. Try not being so "nice" and treating gurls "great" all the time. It works!

 

I have been working on that these last few years, I was definitly falling into the "door mat" area with my last GF, always doing what she wanted, when she wanted, etc.

 

I think a lot of that is my mothers fault, or at least she is partially the cause. She order's my dad around like an employee, and runs the family. Lately, I've been standing up to her, and putting my interests and feelings above hers as practice. She hates it when I stuck up for myself.

 

I wonder if a lot of us "nice guys" have overbearing mothers?

 

I'm working on limiting my "nice guy" approach to being polite, giving girls compliments, etc.

 

Originally posted by Marshbear

You can be nice but don't be a door mat. If things aren't as you want don't be afraid to change them. Be the first one to leave, don't just hang around until she decides it's over. Women like confidence and fun. You put to much pressure on things and people get nervous. DOn't be so serious.

 

You have to show people that you are someone they want to be around and want to know better. Be friendly but not to nice. Be confident but not cocky. Look for a more outgoing girl since you are shy. You will hit it off better. Don't try to change yourself to much though. Just be you, kicked up a notch, and you will find your gal.

 

me kicked up a notch, I'll try that.

 

Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue

He's right about that. Girls are drawn to the bad boy image. Me on the other hand like the nice dorky guys. I'll date ya!

 

thanks, I am a little on the dorky side, I'd like to think I'm a little bit bad boy too. Though combined with my shyness I think maybe it makes me a little intimidating and unapproachable. I either come off as goofy, and dorky when I'm comfortable, or like an emotional rock when I'm feeling shy, I guess I guard my feelings, and don't show them on my face.

 

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Lose weight and quit smoking. Not only will this make you more attractive in itself, just the act and attitude of self-improvement is a huge turn-on to girls. If you don't believe me, try telling female friends you're doing this and watch their reaction.

 

I'm working on it, I've lost about 50lbs, maybe 30-40 more to go. I'm having a hard time quitting smoking though. I've definetly felt a big boost in my self confidence after loosing weight and working out more.

 

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Meet more women. And be realistic about your standards - the tendency if you're single for a while is to get way too picky. You'll know this if you start meeting new girls and none measures up.

 

Anyone have suggestions on how/where to meet more women? I think it's half of my problem. I can count the women I've met and had a slight interest in on one hand, thats in the last year.

 

I do tend to be a little picky, not about looks though, I can think of 3 girls in the last year or so that I liked, but didn't do anything about, with 1 people told me some things about her cheating in the past that scared me, one my sister said she had to much baggage and wasn't right for me, another is the daughter of a family friend and I'm scared of what would happen if it didn't work out.

 

I guess I'm just looking for someone I can have friendship/romance/conversation, etc. with, and if I don't see that happening, I don't pursue it. IE: I've met a few HOT girls who I'm attracted to, but if we have absolutely nothing in common, I'm not interested.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by BigB

I wonder if a lot of us "nice guys" have overbearing mothers?

probably. and a female will raise you the way she THINKS a man should be not the way the REALLY should be. WTF does a woman know about being a man anyways?? even if it is your ma!

 

I'm working on limiting my "nice guy" approach to being polite, giving girls compliments, etc.

limit your approach more to getting into their pants, and don't be shy about letting them know that.

 

thanks, I am a little on the dorky side, I'd like to think I'm a little bit bad boy too.

you can't be 100% "nice" if you smoke. most smokers are seen as a bit of bad boy, keep on smoking. i smoke too. think james dean.

 

Anyone have suggestions on how/where to meet more women?

I've heard Thialand is good

[BigB]

Originally posted by alphamale

probably. and a female will raise you the way she THINKS a man should be not the way the REALLY should be. WTF does a woman know about being a man anyways?? even if it is your ma!

 

yeah, I love her, but dangit, I need to stop having relationships with girls that are like her.

 

Originally posted by alphamale

limit your approach more to getting into their pants, and don't be shy about letting them know that.

 

I think I used approach wrong here, I should have said attitude towards women, I don't really have much of an approach beyond, flirting a little and trying to start a conversation.

 

Originally posted by alphamale

you can't be 100% "nice" if you smoke. most smokers are seen as a bit of bad boy, keep on smoking. i smoke too. think james dean.

 

I definitely don't look the dorky nice guy part, at 290lbs, almost shaved head, driving a truck, etc. I'll definetly add "think James dean" to the list, I should rent some of his movies.

 

Originally posted by alphamale

I've heard Thialand is good

 

[Marshbear]

limit your approach more to getting into their pants, and don't be shy about letting them know that.

 

Women want to be wanted. Don't be so nice that you can't tell them that you want them. Be bold. They will love you for it.

 

Don't be afraid of your sexual feelings for women. You have desires, women have desires. Women know you want them. Tell them.

[UCFKevin]

Don't be so quick to please. Be a little bit of a bastard, but a fun bastard. Give yourself an edge in a way, don't be a cookie cutter nice guy. It truly does work. Be confident and charming and don't seem like you really don't want to be single because women can SENSE it. THey can smell it. THey know when a guy is desperate and looking for someone. It's one of their superpowers.

 

I spent years and years and YEARS being the nice sweet guy who is the one they talk to and cry to but that's it. Nothing else. THen one day I decided, "Screw it, I'll lighten myself up and not be so damn nice anymore," and it worked. Most of the time.

 

Try to find happiness with who you are and what you have now and a relationship will come along after that's completed. It happens when you aren't looking and least except it.

 

When you look, you only find s***. Generally.

[XNemesisX]

you can't be 100% "nice" if you smoke. most smokers are seen as a bit of bad boy, keep on smoking. i smoke too. think james dean.

 

I like your thinking!

 

I smoke too though, so maybe that is why I really have a thing for guys that smoke. (hate to sound like Paris Hilton here but it's hot!)

 

Also, if you are trying to lose weight then forget about quitting smoking. You will gain the weight back x10.

 

It sounds like you just aren't putting yourself in situations where you can meet people very easily. Bars may not be the best place to go, but it sounds like you need to get out more.

 

Also, grow some hair!

[manders_01]

BigB -

 

I think there is one glaringly wrong (IMO) statement in many of these posts:

 

[color=blue]Some women do want nice guys!!! And some don't!!![/color]

 

A guy's bad boy/nice guy persona is just as much of a trait as whether they like sports, reading or whatever.

 

Please don't make a glaringly broad assumption that women only want bad boys because that is far from truth.

 

Personally, the last guy I dated would probably have been lumped in with the "bad boys". My current beau is definetly a "nice guy". I wasn't impressed with my ex's bad boy attitude and it worn thin real quick. I am enjoying my current relationship more than I ever enjoyed the former.

 

Plain and simple - women want men who can respect them, while staying true to themselves. Don't change yourself for someone else. Because although some women may want you to change some (usually small) things like picking up your dirty socks everynight, most of the aforementioned women would not expect you to change major things, like whether you believe in aliens or not.

 

IMO, you can define the three types of men by the following: when a guy is asked by his girlfriend where he wants to go to dinner, the bad boy would probably tell his girlfriend they were or were not going to certain places, the nice guy would say he prefered to go certain places and a pushover (who sometimes unknowingly call themselves nice guys) would say they would want to go where ever his girlfriend wants to go.

 

In short, please don't take too much stock in this whole "bad boys get the chicks" theory.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by manders_01

IMO, you can define the three types of men by the following: when a guy is asked by his girlfriend where he wants to go to dinner, the bad boy would probably tell his girlfriend they were or were not going to certain places, the nice guy would say he prefered to go certain places and a pushover (who sometimes unknowingly call themselves nice guys) would say they would want to go where ever his girlfriend wants to go.

the above has got to be the stupidest analogy i've ever heard

 

In short, please don't take too much stock in this whole "bad boys get the chicks" theory.

you are flat out wrong, MANDERS_01.....the bad boys are out getting laid on the weekends while the nice, boring, non-threatening dudes are home watching porn and spankin' the monkey!

[XNemesisX]

 

Well I do want to add though that I really don't think the "nice guys" can turn into a bad boy. They're not even good at acting like one. You either are or you aren't. Just like how you are in bed. You either have it or you don't.

[manders_01]

Originally posted by alphamale

you are flat out wrong, MANDERS_01.....the bad boys are out getting laid on the weekends while the nice, boring, non-threatening dudes are home watching porn and spankin' the monkey!

 

Do you have some evidence to this "fact" that would prove me to be "flat out wrong"? No - because I'm not.

 

Nice, boring, non-threatening dudes are probably sitting at home - not because they are nice or non-threating but because they are boring. You don't have to be a bad boy to be interesting. In fact, most "bad boys" I know are not that bright and very dull.

 

Just remember one thing - as your name states, you are a male - and yet you are saying that you absolutely know what females want. Get a clue - men will never truly know what is in a women's head - even if is she tells you!

[XNemesisX]

I don't know if you keep up with what Alphamale says a lot but he is usually right on. He just says things that everybody knows deep down but won't come right out and say.

 

Also, Alpha has said over and over that you have to know when to be nice and when to not. It's all about balance. He's went into a lot more detail on the nice guy thing before...and i think he is right.

 

he may not be a woman, but he is 40 years old for crying out loud and he knows what works with women and what doesn't.

[UCFKevin]

The nice guy is who most girls want to end up with when they settle down.

 

The bad boy is who most girls want right now.

[tokyo]

Alpha may know how to get a chick into the sack, but he doesn't know how to keep her. His advice is ok on some things, but you should not forget what your final goal is.

[XNemesisX]

I don't think it's a matter of bad boy vs nice guy. You just have to be a little bit of both to be the most successful. that's what I think anyway...

[BigB]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

It sounds like you just aren't putting yourself in situations where you can meet people very easily. Bars may not be the best place to go, but it sounds like you need to get out more.

 

Also, grow some hair!

 

yeah, I don't meet many new people, unfortunate side effect of skipping college and going straight to work. I'm sort of at a loss on what to do/where to go to meet new girls. I don't plan on going on an "asking girls out spree" but some more social activities sure could improve my chances of meeting someone.

 

Think I'd look better with more hair? I just cut this way because I'm lazy.. Plus I used to ride a motorcycle everyday and the helmet hair got old.

 

I used to have this nice Tim Cruise thing going with my hair, maybe I'll grow it back.

[manders_01]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

I don't know if you keep up with what Alphamale says a lot but he is usually right on. He just says things that everybody knows deep down but won't come right out and say.

 

I have seen many of his posts. And I don't agree with many. But what I truly can't stand is he makes blanket statements and draws them from personal opinion yet says they are fact.

 

Also, Alpha has said over and over that you have to know when to be nice and when to not. It's all about balance. He's went into a lot more detail on the nice guy thing before...and i think he is right.

 

IMO, there is no time not to be nice. You can have an opinion, thought, theory, belief, etc. with about being mean (bad boy) about it.

 

he may not be a woman, but he is 40 years old for crying out loud and he knows what works with women and what doesn't.

 

Obviously he's doing something wrong if he's 40 yrs old, single and knows what boring men are doing on the weekends.

 

FYI - I did mean to say in my original post that I drew my conclusions from my experiences with men and conversations with women.