Why am I perpetually single?

[BigB]

Originally posted by Miss_Prolixity

Hi BigB,

 

You're dealing with a lot of varied opinions and attitudes. There's no one true and tried method when it comes to dating, because you're dealing with many different personalities who have random tastes.

 

I, for one, definitely prefer a man who has gentleman like qualities. Does that put him into the nice category? Sure. And that's fine with me. There's a huge difference between someone being nice than someone being a doormat. Being nice to me means being an all around pleasant person. Someone who's kind and amiable. But it doesn't mean that he allows someone to manipulate or take advantage of him either. You can have a nice personality but at the same time be assertive and have boundaries.

 

One thing I think you definitely should be is true to yourself. Why change? Unless it's for the better. Why would you want to downplay a positive attribute for a negative one? If you're a kind person, I don't understand why you would disregard that image by trying to be a bad boy. Wouldn't you rather have a woman in your life love you for real you, rather than a impostered image?

 

And lastly, I actually think you're very attractive. I've always been fond of men who have extremely short hair or men who are bald. I think Michael Jordan started that trend with me. So, just because one woman might not like the short look or the nice guy "routine" doesn't mean another woman wont.

 

thanks for the compliment.

 

I won't be changing myself into some fake other person, I am who I am, I can't really change that. I don't want to be fake. But a little attitude adjustment can't hurt. Mostly I think I need to improve by being more positive, more outgoing, more self confident, and a better self-image. I used to have a bit of a cocky swagger when I was younger and it worked great, I'm just not sure where it went... I think my EXGF stole it.

 

I've always been a mixture of "bad boy" and "nice guy", bad boy not in the sense of someone with a cocky a-hole attitude who treats women like crap, but in the sense of a little rough around the edges, say what I feel, don't dress dorky or stylish, smoking, drinking, getting in a few fights when I was young, etc.

 

But on the inside, I'm a big teddy bear, I just hide it, I'm a cancer that's what we do. Big hard crab shell, sharp claws, but soft and sweet on the inside. Someone said something about me once that I always though was funny, but it's me to a T. "BigB wouldn't hurt a fly, unless it hurt someone he cares about first".

 

On the subject of my haircut, I thought it was interesting that Nemisis brought it up, because it's something I was thinking about changing all week. but I'm glad to hear you like it the way it is. I'm still thinking about changing it, I'm not sure... I even dragged out some pictures of me with different old hair cuts to compare. Only conclusion I came to is that I look fat in pictures...

[BigB]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

BigB, we need to get you out to a club, mang!

 

but I can't dance!

 

but I do need to get out more....

[BigB]

Originally posted by maxzoom

Max says "gotta be bad to girls road" is one that eventually leads to unsatisfactory relationships. It'll work to get laid now and then but your soul will remain unfullfilled, even if you marry the girl in the end. How much fun can it be to be maied to a girl that'll say with you only because you make her feel like crap.

 

It's true you can't be a doormat or a wimp.....just stop being picky and unassertive...Max thinks that's what's killing you. There are lots and lots of women out there sighing away in loneliness on Friday nights wondering why they too are alone. Put yourself out there...start making friends in any context...ask them out for a coffee, lunch, a walk, a shopping trip...no dates at the beginning...let the date develop by itself.. with all kinds of women young old, fat slim, pretty, plain...you don't have to be interested in them as a partner necessarily, just get to know them...learn from them...get comfortable around them...

 

In time you'll be less shy, less picky, and less alone. Also start buying and reading every kinda book you can find about...self esteem, relationships, success, flirting, etc. alao read women's magazines, just don't believe 'em all. make your life a project and work full time on it. Now get outta here.

 

for some reason I missed this post the first time..

 

thanks for the suggestions.

[BigB]

So, on slightly the same subject.

 

I'm lost when it comes to meeting new women.. Not so much how to start up a conversation, but where to meet them in the first place.

 

In my free time I go to movies, play video games, hang out with my family, go to my friends houses for dinner, go to the gym, etc. but I rarely meet new girls.

 

I don't go to bars much, sometimes I'll go have some drinks with friends and play some pool, but meeting women in bars is hard, it's loud, dark, etc.

 

and I'm just to embarrassed to ask my girl friends to hook me up with any of their friends.

 

I like the college idea.... maybe I'll take a few classes.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by BigB

but I can't dance!

 

but I do need to get out more....

 

Bro, where are you in CALI? I'll come get you, we'll go hang out.

[BigB]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Bro, where are you in CALI? I'll come get you, we'll go hang out.

 

Nor-cal. Sonoma County. Probably a bit of a drive for you.. I wish I still had my bike, I'd be all over a high speed run down HWY. 1 to So-cal.

[RecordProducer]

I can't believe people here advise you to be a bad boy. First of all, you can't change. Secondly you don't need to change.

If you act like a "bad boy" you will attract the type of girls who want a bad boy (who are not your type) and they will be eventually disappointed when they realize that you're a nice guy; they will think you're spineless or a wimp or whatever...

You are who you are and you should be surrounded by people (friends and GF) who appreciate you for who you are.

The guys who advised you to be bad are thinking in terms of getting laid. Because that's probably all they want (for a start). It's true that if you're assertive you will meet more women and get laid more often, but it won't bring a meaningful relationship into your life. At least it's not very likely.

Your style should be "friends first." If you like a girl, ask her out to hang out with you and your friends. Have the chance to show her your personality and get to know her better so that you both can see how you feel together without putting any pressure.

I've seen insecure guys acting assertive and it makes me even more sick than those who are naturally assertive. There is nothing wrong with asking a girl in the bar out, but never count on the "bad guy's" behavior to help you conquer a girl. I always say: if you follow your heart and lose, you will at least know that you did what you felt like doing; but if you follow what your mind (or other people) tells you and lose then you didn't do what you wanted and lost for nothing. For example, I love pop music. If I compose it like I do and never succeed, at least I enjoyed it. But if I start doing heavy metal cuz someone told me it'd pay out and it never pays out, I will spend time doing what I don't like plus doing it for nothing. And chances are I won't be so good at what I don't like doing.

You can't successfully be a bad boy. And there is no need to. My BF hooked me cuz he treated me like a queen. And I am an attractive and educated woman (I won't brag here cuz everything else is subjective). I've also had a problem with finding the right person or even a date. I spent years all on my own without dating anyone more than a few times. But eventually we find someone and settle down.

There is at least one person for everyone on this planet (or so I believe) and you will find her if you're always being yourself.

It's good to improve yourself, but I bet all the people who told you that don't work on their own improvement (except trying hard to improve themselves into ass holes!).

Thinking that sex appeal and a "bad boy's" image are the same things won't get you anywhere. It's not true. My BF is very sexy (on the inside) and a truly nice guy. He is energetic and passionate, always smiling, jokes a lot, and I guess that's what attracted me. But had he treated me bad, I wouldn't have fallen for him.

But you can't change yourself a lot. Some women like shy guys. Some don't. You might work on your insecurity (I assume that shy people feel kinda insecure when they're around someone they like), but in a healthy way. Try to talk more, smile more, tell a joke, ask questions, but don't pretend to be some cool guy (whatever that means).

You can only find happiness with the person who matches your personality. If you try to be something you're not, you won't find your real soul mate.

Of course, that means you shouldn't hit on some popular and loud hot girl who has different dates every week cuz she is probably not for you. She will reject you and you will feel even more insecure after the disappointment. It's good to be picky, but it's not good to look for someone who doesn't suit you. If you have extra weight and want to date Miss America, she most likely wouldn't be interested.

Try to meet people at places that are related to your interests. If you like to read, try in a library or book store. You can also try the dating sites. Some people say it's cr*p, but I know many happy couples who met online (including myself).

[BigB]

You rock RecordProducer

 

*starts reading*

[amerikajin]

RP,

 

Easily the best post on this thread, and I agree with you totally.

 

I think a lot of people are confusing "nice guy" with "nice guy-itis". The former is what every man should be; the latter is simply being a pushover that an emotionally strong woman can't truly respect on a romantic level, even if the guy had qualities that made him attractive to her.

 

I like what you said also about the difference between getting a good lay and getting something more meaningful. I don't think it's really all that hard to get laid, but it is more of a challenge to get a woman you're really interested in to become interested in you. The challenge, though, is finding that center inside of yourself, and not being afraid to bare your soul to someone. I think that can be very challenging, especially if you're someone who has insecurities and demons you haven't dealt with yet.

 

Your post struck a chord with me because it's been the core of my problem, and it's something that I've only recently identified and am now trying to fix. I think that all of us have insecurities, maybe even some things we just don't like about ourselves. But we must meet these challenges head on and fight them if we are ever to really get into a more meaningful relationship with someone, I think. Otherwise, you spend time waging an inner conflict, trying to present one face to the outside world but knowing all along that it's just a facade. And the thing is...sooner or later, people see through the bulls*** anyway. May as well just be yourself.

 

BigB,

 

I say, be yourself, but I want to go beyond that cliche a little bit.

 

Be yourself, but always look at yourself and never be afraid to do some renovation from time to time. By that I mean, take pride in yourself, think about what makes you happy. Maybe make a list of things that you've always wanted to do in this life and then set out to do them - and while you're doing that, don't even think about women. Just think about what makes YOU happy. Ever thought about doing a particular sport or hobby?

[BigB]

RP and Amerikanjin, thanks for the replies.

 

I've got to head home from work so I don't have time for a detailed reply. I'll post again tomorrow.

[ConfusedInOC]

RP, had my ex had the same common sense rationale you have, I wouldn't be here!

 

Thanks for confirming in us men we can be attractive without "acting."

[amerikajin]

BigB,

 

Let me give you some examples of what we're talking about here:

 

Hot Chick: So, what kinda music do you like?

Interested Dude: Um, hmmm, well, I guess I like Prince.

Hot Chick: Mmm...I really don't like Prince that much, I like Heavy Metal.

Interested Dude: Oh, well, you know...I only kinda like Prince. I mean, I like metal, too, you know.

Hot Chick: Really, like who?

Interested dude: Ahhhh....Motley Crue.

Hot chick: Ewwww....Vince Neal's a pig. I like Metallica.

Interested: Yeah, me too.

 

I hope this isn't you, because the above guy is all too ready to please her and doesn't come across as sure of himself.

 

Don't change your opinions, your beliefs, your actions just to impress someone. You'll end up having the opposite effect. Just do and think as you please and let the chips fall where they may.

[RecordProducer]

Thank you, guys! You made my day. Otherwise, it's such a crappy day.

Anyway, I'm just about to dump my BF who seems to be nice only on the outside. I want a real nice guy. I am too tired for head games.

[BigB]

Originally posted by amerikajin

BigB,

 

Let me give you some examples of what we're talking about here:

 

Hot Chick: So, what kinda music do you like?

Interested Dude: Um, hmmm, well, I guess I like Prince.

Hot Chick: Mmm...I really don't like Prince that much, I like Heavy Metal.

Interested Dude: Oh, well, you know...I only kinda like Prince. I mean, I like metal, too, you know.

Hot Chick: Really, like who?

Interested dude: Ahhhh....Motley Crue.

Hot chick: Ewwww....Vince Neal's a pig. I like Metallica.

Interested: Yeah, me too.

 

I hope this isn't you, because the above guy is all too ready to please her and doesn't come across as sure of himself.

 

Don't change your opinions, your beliefs, your actions just to impress someone. You'll end up having the opposite effect. Just do and think as you please and let the chips fall where they may.

 

definitely not what I would do. But I wouldn't put down a girls opinion either, I'd nicely say it wasn't my thing.

 

and maybe invite her to try and change my mind

[BigB]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Thank you, guys! You made my day. Otherwise, it's such a crappy day.

Anyway, I'm just about to dump my BF who seems to be nice only on the outside. I want a real nice guy. I am too tired for head games.

 

things not going well with the BF? It sounded like things were going well up until now. I'm sorry it's not working out.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by BigB

Things not going well with the BF?

 

We'll see!

[BigB]

RP thanks for the great post, I've read it like 3 times now.. thanks for confirming that I can be myself and still be attractive, I've always refused to put on an act in order to meet women, and well it's probably the reason I haven't had many relationships, I don't think of that as a bad thing. I really think that when I do track down Ms. right she'll appreciate the fact that I haven't been running around hooking of with scores of women. I do think a little bit of an attitude adjustment may be in order, but I'm not going to be fake, it something I just don't feel right doing.

 

I guess I've just been feeling down about it recently because I go along everyday doing my own thing and being myself hoping I'll just run into a great girl without trying, and it hasn't happened yet. It just get's lonely after a while. Going out and hooking up just to get laid isn't all that hard, but the one time I did that back when I was 18 I didn't like it much, and decided it wasn't for me.

 

Originally posted by RecordProducer

You can also try the dating sites. Some people say it's cr*p, but I know many happy couples who met online (including myself).

 

I've though about online dating, my sister keeps telling me about a friend of hers who met a great girl online and is now getting married, but the whole thing scares me a bit. I've never been on a blind date, and for some reason the whole thing feels like a job interview to me, like I'm going to be judged my how I look on paper before the girls gets a chance to meet me.

 

I'm probably wrong, but I always felt like I was going to be overlooked for guys who look better on paper. I don't have a degree, I don't make much money, I don't own a home, or a nice car, my ambition in life is to do a job that most people consider crappy, blue collar, grunt work, etc.

 

Plus I've always been a little scared of what I'll say when they start to ask me what I look like, and I have to try to explain that while I'm 290lbs, my ideal weight is around 260-270, I get this feeling that girls are going to think I'm lying.

 

Being shy, meeting someone IRL after talking to them online also scares the crap out of me...

 

Can you suggest any dating web sites? I'll give them a look see...

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by BigB

Going out and hooking up just to get laid isn't all that hard, but the one time I did that back when I was 18 I didn't like it much, and decided it wasn't for me.

I've never been on a blind date, meeting someone IRL after talking to them online also scares the crap out of me...

Can you suggest any dating web sites? I'll give them a look see...

 

Sex without love sucks big time, if you ask me.

 

My BF flew from the US to Europe on a blind date with me! Of course, we've seen each other on webcam prior to that and talked on the phone for a couple of weeks. We fell in love madly when we met in person and he visited me two more times.

 

American Singles, Megafriends, Match dot com, Yahoo personals. I also suggest that you buy a webcam. You might meet someone who doesn't live in your city.

[Marshbear]

You might work on your insecurity (I assume that shy people feel kinda insecure when they're around someone they like), but in a healthy way. Try to talk more, smile more, tell a joke, ask questions, but don't pretend to be some cool guy (whatever that means).

You can only find happiness with the person who matches your personality. If you try to be something you're not, you won't find your real soul mate.

 

 

BigB,

This is what I ment when I told you to be you, kicked up a notch. You want to stay you but you can be more secure with yourself. It will make you happier and people around you will appreciate you all the more.

 

RP. There should be more women who feel as you do and get out the message that nice guys do not finish last.

[ConfusedInOC]

Nice guys don't finish last, doormats do!

 

BigB, if you make a trip down here, we'll go out. I know a few places. I think I am fearless, I'll go up to any woman and start a conversation. What can I possibly lose? I am not rude, and I don't use cheesy lines.

 

My friend (girl) once told me "Dude, you have like gorgeous eyes, USE 'EM!" So I do.

 

I would say to you what I say to anyone looking for a career. Focus on your strengths and minimize your weaknesses. That's when you'll succeed.

[BigB]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Sex without love sucks big time, if you ask me.

 

agreed, I kinda went "umm... that's it?" that first time did however give me a big confidence boost.

 

Originally posted by RecordProducer

My BF flew from the US to Europe on a blind date with me! Of course, we've seen each other on webcam prior to that and talked on the phone for a couple of weeks. We fell in love madly when we met in person and he visited me two more times.

 

American Singles, Megafriends, Match dot com, Yahoo personals. I also suggest that you buy a webcam. You might meet someone who doesn't live in your city.

 

wow, your BF is braver than me, that would scare the crap out of me. I'll check out some websites, I don't think I can manage a webcam right now, I only have access to a PC at work and at my parents house. My PC is packed up in a box until I find a new apartment. I'm staying in a friends house right and don't even have a phone line. I'll probably wait to get a new place and my PC setup before I start plastering my profile all over the web, I'll probably come off bad if I'm doing any online dating from work.

[BigB]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Nice guys don't finish last, doormats do!

 

amen.

 

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

BigB, if you make a trip down here, we'll go out. I know a few places. I think I am fearless, I'll go up to any woman and start a conversation. What can I possibly lose? I am not rude, and I don't use cheesy lines.

 

My friend (girl) once told me "Dude, you have like gorgeous eyes, USE 'EM!" So I do.

 

I would say to you what I say to anyone looking for a career. Focus on your strengths and minimize your weaknesses. That's when you'll succeed.

 

I wish I could dude, but my current crappy job won't permit it, I get a whopping 48 weekend on Monday/Tuesday, and I work nights the rest of the week.

 

thanks for the career advise, I got a couple jobs in mind that I really want to do (both in law enforcement), I applied for one of them(Correctional Officer), but I failed the psych interview, (the shrink thinks I drink to much)and I have to wait till November to re-apply. I'm still thinking about the second one(Animal Control Officer), but it's a hard field to get into and I'm not sure where to start. I walked away from my old career (computer network engineering) I was good at it, but I hated it. Now I'm kinda stuck working this crappy security job till I find something better.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by BigB

amen.

 

 

 

I wish I could dude, but my current crappy job won't permit it, I get a whopping 48 weekend on Monday/Tuesday, and I work nights the rest of the week.

 

thanks for the career advise, I got a couple jobs in mind that I really want to do (both in law enforcement), I applied for one of them(Correctional Officer), but I failed the psych interview, (the shrink thinks I drink to much)and I have to wait till November to re-apply. I'm still thinking about the second one(Animal Control Officer), but it's a hard field to get into and I'm not sure where to start. I walked away from my old career (computer network engineering) I was good at it, but I hated it. Now I'm kinda stuck working this crappy security job till I find something better.

 

Ok how's this: What if I ride my 600RR up there some weekend? You got a couch I can crash on?

[RecordProducer]

Ooohhhhh, this is getting hot! Confused and BigB are setting up a date!

[BigB]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Ooohhhhh, this is getting hot! Confused and BigB are setting up a date!