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So....sorry if long but -

From previous posts - H asked for D about 6wks ago - he's been having an emotional affair/rekindling of an old HS crush (she lives out of state) but drove almost 1000 miles to "come see him"

 

 

So what has happened since I've found out

1. I filed for divorce a week ago (after sitting in atty's parking lot being physically ill - then 4hrs in her office emotionally destroyed - to point both atty and legal assist asked " r u sure this is what you want" and I replied "NO XX is the one who usually makes these life changing decisions or asks me my opinion"

2. He got served (was pissed for 5min / then we talked for hours and he became emotional I became emotional - we hugged tighter than tight when we were done talking for the time being - and have slept in same bed ever since)

3. He still is talking to her - but its not as long or as late at night as it was

4. We still sleep in same bed

5. We hold each other/talk at bedtime

6. Got a little hot n heavy (no intercourse but other stuff like we were first together/married -- or as I put it damn book worthy - the passion and tenderness was there)

7. He has come home at "normal" hours after his "guy nights" he plays in tournaments 2x's a week sometimes 3x's

8. I do most of the talking and he actually sits and listens - as his body language and from time to time gets teary eyed

9. I am still going to counseling / bettering myself getting healthier losing the extra weight - and throwing **** away that I've held onto for 20+yrs

10. We are still moving into our new home - yet he's not voiced where he's sleeping though I've told him where I'd like him to sleep (master bedroom with me)

 

 

Now for confusing area - we are talking/listening - holding and snuggling my guard is still so up because I don't want to get my hopes up that we will work together to work on our marriage - I've explained there are THREE people in our marriage and HE needs to be the 1 to let her know that I am ok with them being friends HOWEVER no more "lovey dovey chit chat" (which the 10p 1hr long calls have not happened for a few nights now either).

 

 

I know I slammed the door within our marriage as well as did he (however I never 'stepped out' of our marriage and went looking for another to fill the void) I have mentioned this 2's to him as well that "how would u feel being in my shoes?" he'd kick their butts.

 

 

I have also explained to my atty and to him that I want to put everything on hold or even pull off the court docket - so we can see if we can work on our marriage - no time frame - just work on it - and go from there. He has said "I still made my decision" yet his body language, his eyes and lately some of the things he use to do are there -

 

 

I am just confused and all I want to do is tell my atty never mind - UGH - where's the book on marriage LOL

Edited by HAK
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LoveMachine67

Sorry you are suffering through this nightmare right now...

 

It sounds like you want to save your marriage more than your husband does. Is your H seeking counseling also?

 

What is the rush to divorce if you both have not explored all of the options to save your marriage?

Edited by LoveMachine67
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I'm sorry for your pain, it's very hurtful.

 

What is your H doing to end his affair? Until he ends it completely then he's still invited another person to participate in your marriage without your permission.

 

Does he talk of ending it? Have you had counseling?

 

Have you considered having him move out so you can clear your head and he can have consequences for his bad behavior? Usually consequences will help the cheater to realize that the way they participate has caused the harm that's ensuing.

 

I think it was wise of you to file for D - but sleeping in the same bed afterwards would make me feel as though I'm betraying myself. But that's just me...

 

Is there anywhere else he can go stay?

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Clarence_Boddicker

Do you actually know what your husband wants? If he asked for a divorce, why didn't he file it? If he wants out, why is he getting involved in setting up a new place with you? Why are you not doing a trial separation? Is it to keep tabs on him?

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I have also explained to my atty and to him that I want to put everything on hold or even pull off the court docket - so we can see if we can work on our marriage - no time frame - just work on it - and go from there. He has said "I still made my decision" yet his body language, his eyes and lately some of the things he use to do are there -

L

 

Just to clarify, You want to put everything on hold to work on your marriage, but he said he has still made his decision? Does that mean, that he still wants a divorce? It does sound like from his behaviors, that he feels badly about that decision, yet he is still saying he has made up his mind. I think some MC could clarify for you and for him what is best for both of you. How long have you been married and how long has this EA been going on?

 

I do think that the only way for you to move forward is for the OW to be out of his life. If they have moved to the lovey-dovey stage there is no way for them to be just friends. If she stays in the picture, she will always be between you and your H. He can not be fully committed to you if he is getting his emotional needs met elsewhere. That might come up if you go to MC. Sorry you are going through this.

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whichwayisup

It is pointless to try to work on your marriage and reconnect with him as long as he's still involved with the OW. He still is in touch with her, sees her and honestly, this seems like a case of he's about to lose you, has panicked yet doesn't want to let go of his OW either.

 

Don't put anything on hold, continue on like the D is happening, shield your heart and don't let yourself become too attached to him. Put a deadline on this too, last thing you want is to be where you are now by summer's end. Him still with the OW and wanting to stay married.

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So what has happened since I've found out

1. I filed for divorce a week ago (after sitting in atty's parking lot being physically ill - then 4hrs in her office emotionally destroyed - to point both atty and legal assist asked " r u sure this is what you want" and I replied "NO XX is the one who usually makes these life changing decisions or asks me my opinion"

2. He got served (was pissed for 5min / then we talked for hours and he became emotional I became emotional - we hugged tighter than tight when we were done talking for the time being - and have slept in same bed ever since)

3. He still is talking to her - but its not as long or as late at night as it was

4. We still sleep in same bed

5. We hold each other/talk at bedtime

6. Got a little hot n heavy (no intercourse but other stuff like we were first together/married -- or as I put it damn book worthy - the passion and tenderness was there)

7. He has come home at "normal" hours after his "guy nights" he plays in tournaments 2x's a week sometimes 3x's

8. I do most of the talking and he actually sits and listens - as his body language and from time to time gets teary eyed

9. I am still going to counseling / bettering myself getting healthier losing the extra weight - and throwing **** away that I've held onto for 20+yrs

10. We are still moving into our new home - yet he's not voiced where he's sleeping though I've told him where I'd like him to sleep (master bedroom with me)

 

I usually tell people to do what feels right for them, and obviously the path you've chosen involves fighting for your marriage. If that's your choice, don't let anyone talk you out of it.

 

But (you knew that was coming, right?), be aware of the risks involved. I'm sure you're hurt now, there's a chance for you to hurt even more as you reinvest in a relationship he walks away from - after using you as a back-up in case things don't pan out with her. It's a often repeated truth that the person who cares less in a relationship holds the most power. Right now, advantage him...

 

Mr. Lucky

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  • 2 weeks later...
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I usually tell people to do what feels right for them, and obviously the path you've chosen involves fighting for your marriage. If that's your choice, don't let anyone talk you out of it.

 

But (you knew that was coming, right?), be aware of the risks involved. I'm sure you're hurt now, there's a chance for you to hurt even more as you reinvest in a relationship he walks away from - after using you as a back-up in case things don't pan out with her. It's a often repeated truth that the person who cares less in a relationship holds the most power. Right now, advantage him...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Im committed to fighting for a healthier / happier marriage as i dont want to go back to what we had myself. We moved into new house without any hickups still sleeping in same bed in spare room as neither of us want to claim master. We still have held each others hand a few times to sleep but last night he was asleep but woke me up by putting his arm around me which i thought this is nice but odd. He is still talking to her as i dont know how to say u need to stop while we are figuring everything out. Ive asked my atty how to dismiss the petition and waiting to hear back what the consequence might be or how it will look for me. Still going to counselinv though he wont go. Its believed he bas narcisitic tendencies so now its the can i live with know he has to be first/right etc i am trying to put my heart aside but even my brain is saying fight for a better you and for him. Im also fighting the urge to write "her" and tell her to back off but I almost feel that is his place....just praying that God shows me the path we are suppose to take and go forward with.

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