My guy says he loves us both and doesn't know who to choose...

[boyslie932]

Hey!! I need some serious unbiased advice, so I thought a forum would be the best place to go. I appreciate any and all responses, because I myself am so confused and am not sure what to do!

 

Two and a half years ago, I was very much a party girl, overweight, yet completely happy with myself and being solo. I met this guy randomly and we became friends quickly, and within the span of a few months we began dating. I was on Cloud 9, everything was perfect! I started hitting the gym more and cut down on my party girl ways, and was convinced that I was one of those girls that FINALLY had everything she'd ever wanted. Seven months into the relationship, my best friend had been perusing around on Facebook and found a post from my guy's ex saying they had been hanging out the DAY after we got together. I asked him about it, he denied it, but there was proof.

 

After a couple more confrontations, he finally admitted that he had still been talking to his ex prior to he and I getting together, and that in the beginning stages of our relationship he was talking to us both, but she left and began dating another man and he hadn't been in contact with her since. About two months after that, his ex randomly appeared wanting to work things out again. He told me he needed space, and I was debastated. We broke up right after that but I wanted him in my life as something rather than nothing so I stayed friends with him. For six months after that, he dated his ex again and I dated other people as well. Then August came and she left again.

 

He called me and told me that he'd been wrong to let her back in, and we still remained friends but the old feelings were creeping back. In October, she came back yet again begging for him back. He told me that he was in touch with her but that he was happy working on things with me, and I believed him. Come to find out, he got back with her in October. One of his friends told me because he thought it was wrong to keep the info to himself since I'm such a good person. I confronted him, he admitted it, and I left him that day. A week goes by and evidently his friend had also clued his ex in on things. He called me to ask if I had anything to do with that, and I said no, hung up, and immediately called his ex. We talked for over six hours about everything and determined he wasn't any good for either of us.

 

We left him in the dust and began our own friendship. Seems like The Other Woman huh? Not exactly. She would tell me things about him that I didn't know to be true, but I figured she was just mad and venting. She was a lot more hateful than anyone else I've known after a break up, but I would chime in with words about how he's a narcissist, cheater, liar, and would laugh or participate when she made outrageous comments. We essentially bonded over our hatred for the same guy. The guy initially was sending her letters, texts etc begging for her back, trying to call a million times a day, and she always said if she answered she cussed him out and threatened legal action and hung up. He eventually quick calling.

 

Months later, I get an apology letter from him in the mail. I also got a text from the friend that outed everything, saying that my ex wanted to talk to me and give a heartfelt apology so to please answer. By this time I was dating a new guy, my feelings and hatred were gone, and so I answered my ex's call. I told him what a piece of trash he was and then left it at that. Months after that, he called me again, and said he'd realized he'd made a huge mistake ever letting me go and would do anything to get me back. We began talking and sooner than later I realized a lot of what his ex had been telling me in our "friendship" were lies.

 

I cut her off soon after and he and I discussed EVERYTHING. He said he would always love his ex in some way but that I was different and no one had ever made him feel like I did. I told him I didn't know if I could believe him, and so he started pulling out many stops like introducing me to his parents (which he'd never done before), deleting his ex's number, being super attentive, etc. Things were great again and I was thankful for second chances. A few months later, and his ex pops back up and now he's "confused" and "loves two girls" and doesn't know what to do. He says he doesn't want to play games and he knows he has to choose one or both of us, which I agree with the latter. I talked to his ex over the phone for about an hour last week as well, and she was full of lies yet again. She is a liar to many people in her life, and I believe that she enjoys the competition with things and doesn't love this guy.

 

I myself am torn on what to do as well. One second I'm telling myself to just go, he's put me through too much and is clearly making excuses for his ex and believing every word he says instead of focusing on all the negatives. Then the next he's saying that he can't imagine life without me and no one has ever made him happier than me, and he knows in his heart that I'm the one he should be with, and I feel like I have to "fight" for him. I told him I think he needs counseling and I also think that he's self-sabotaging himself. I don't know what is the right thing to do. Remove myself from the equation and move on for good (I've told him if he chooses her I'm gone for good, although he refuses to believe that), or fight for what I love.

 

I'm stressed out, can't eat, can't concentrate on anything, and just don't know what to do. What is the best thing to do?

Edited June 13, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Satu]

He doesn't deserve either of you.

 

Finish it, and move on to someone who does deserve you.

 

That person will want only you.

 

 

No contact.

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

[TaraMaiden2]

Dump him.

Go No Contact and never be an option when you should be a priority.

 

"He who cares the least, controls the most."

 

He has two women at his beck and call.

 

Wow, he must be some kind of really special individual....!

 

 

Please dearest: Open up your backpack, take out your self-respect polish it off, wear it with enormous pride, and dump him.

[BikerAccnt]

What you need to do, is tell him you won't be second best, you won't wait around for him to make his choice.

 

Tell him to step up, be a man, and decide. Then, if he can't, I suggest you walk. You don't want to be with someone, who can't make up their mind about you. Either they want to be with you, or they don't. Better yet, make the decision for him. You should leave.

 

It sounds to me as if he is in no way over his ex, nor does he want to be. He's keeping you around as an option. Don't be that woman. You deserve better.

[UpwardForward]

You don't want him.

 

Seems he will always waiver even after he 'chooses'.

[boyslie932]

Thank you everyone who has responded. I have told him a few times that I feel like I should just go, that I want someone who doesn't have to think about something like this and would just choose me. His response is that it's not that easy because either way he's losing something huge. With her he would be losing the "history" (he's known her for about 5 years but has only been talking to her about 3 of them), and for me it'd be losing someone who loved and made him happier than anyone else. I also told him that I feel like he doesn't love either of us, because if he did the decision would be easy- he'd pick who he loved. He has said a few times that maybe he should just let us both go and figure himself out, but doesn't trust that he could be without either of us for long. I know I probably look pathetic with my posts and I also know that I feel deep in my heart that I should remove the "power" from him and go, it's just easier said than done. I have wanted to believe in him for so long and got a second chance with the ONE guy that I've ever truly loved and it's hard to wrap my mind around never talking to him again or that I could ever feel this way about someone again.

[PrettyEmily77]

Would you do to him what he's doing to both of you?

Would you dither between two guys, take the cowardly approach and hope that one of them chooses for you?

Would you and her both be happy with the idea of sharing him (nothing wrong with that as long as all parties are happy with the arrangement)?

Would you be okay pursuing a RL with him, should he choose you, knowing he had someone else in mind all that time?

[boyslie932]

Would you do to him what he's doing to both of you?

Would you dither between two guys, take the cowardly approach and hope that one of them chooses for you?

Would you and her both be happy with the idea of sharing him (nothing wrong with that as long as all parties are happy with the arrangement)?

Would you be okay pursuing a RL with him, should he choose you, knowing he had someone else in mind all that time?

 

I've never been in that kind of situation before exactly, but I DID choose to call things off with the guy I'd been dating to be fair to my ex this last time around so I think I would have the courage to choose. That's a good point you brought up though, I wonder if he's waiting for one of us to say "screw this" so he doesn't even have to choose. I don't want to share him at all, but especially not with this girl. She's been a source of huge problems between us (all of them in fact)! I think if he chose me and got in counseling to better himself that I could stand by him after all of this. I love him, but based on past experience I feel that he won't have the balls to choose me even if he feels in his heart it's right. With her the worst thing that could happen is that she'll leave again. He's been through that before and doesn't truly believe she'll stay permanently. But with me it's a wildcard.

[PrettyEmily77]

I've never been in that kind of situation before exactly, but I DID choose to call things off with the guy I'd been dating to be fair to my ex this last time around so I think I would have the courage to choose. That's a good point you brought up though, I wonder if he's waiting for one of us to say "screw this" so he doesn't even have to choose. I don't want to share him at all, but especially not with this girl. She's been a source of huge problems between us (all of them in fact)! I think if he chose me and got in counseling to better himself that I could stand by him after all of this. I love him, but based on past experience I feel that he won't have the balls to choose me even if he feels in his heart it's right. With her the worst thing that could happen is that she'll leave again. He's been through that before and doesn't truly believe she'll stay permanently. But with me it's a wildcard.

 

 

Speaking for myself, I'd remove myself from the situation asap but I can understand how it seems difficult for you because you feel so strongly about him.

 

 

Out of curiosity, do you know if the other girl has been given the same speech? If she hasn't, you already know he's made his choice and is trying to let you down in a very cowardly way. If she was told the same thing, you could wait for him to grow a pair and choose between the 2 of you, and take the risk of being second choice (she could have been asked first and refused or said yes then left, etc.).

[boyslie932]

Speaking for myself, I'd remove myself from the situation asap but I can understand how it seems difficult for you because you feel so strongly about him.

 

 

Out of curiosity, do you know if the other girl has been given the same speech? If she hasn't, you already know he's made his choice and is trying to let you down in a very cowardly way. If she was told the same thing, you could wait for him to grow a pair and choose between the 2 of you, and take the risk of being second choice (she could have been asked first and refused or said yes then left, etc.).

 

Yes she has been given the same speech as me. I talked to her last week on the phone and she was full of "you'll always be second choice", "he doesn't love you", "he's a bad person", etc. but that was all called out on a three way call and she's still standing by. I want him to have the balls and choose but I don't know that he will do that anytime soon, and I would rather remove myself and make her second choice by default than him not choose me. It's ridiculous because if I was seeing this from another's perspective I would say to run far far away. Even if I take myself out of the entire equation, I still wish he would seek help and quit with his self-proclaimed "toxic loop" with her. It's just really hard on me because I do love him. He's the only person I've NOT wanted to run from.

[TaraMaiden2]

Sad, because he is PRECISELY the one person you should be running from.

[PrettyEmily77]

Yes she has been given the same speech as me. I talked to her last week on the phone and she was full of "you'll always be second choice", "he doesn't love you", "he's a bad person", etc. but that was all called out on a three way call and she's still standing by. I want him to have the balls and choose but I don't know that he will do that anytime soon, and I would rather remove myself and make her second choice by default than him not choose me. It's ridiculous because if I was seeing this from another's perspective I would say to run far far away. Even if I take myself out of the entire equation, I still wish he would seek help and quit with his self-proclaimed "toxic loop" with her. It's just really hard on me because I do love him. He's the only person I've NOT wanted to run from.

 

 

Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, which doesn't bode well at all as far as a future full time RL with him goes.

 

 

The whole thing seems toxic to me, and if it is as hard on you as you say it is, you should just go for your own sake more than anything else.

 

 

What is it that you find so appealing in him that you are allowing him to treat you in such a callous way?

[boyslie932]

Sad, because he is PRECISELY the one person you should be running from.

 

Have you ever been in a tough situation when it comes to love and you knew you should walk away but didn't want to? If so how did you do it?

[TaraMaiden2]

...What is it that you find so appealing in him that you are allowing him to treat you in such a callous way?

 

That's just the problem.

He isn't treating her in 'such a callous' way.

He is extremely good at what he does; I'd say he's turned it into an art form: He is playing cushy by saying all the right things to both of them, and keeping them both hooked.

 

He's a charmer. A sneaky, devious, manipulative, cheating, two-timing, cake-eating, low-level, bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking charmer.

 

He has her wrapped around his little finger and won't let go, or give up, because guess what?

 

He doesn't have to.

 

A few well-chosen words, a bit of romantic speech, (Love you, can't live without you, need you in my life, I'll lose something huge.... Good grief, where's the sick-bag - ?! ) sad, love-lorn, puppy eyes and BINGO! She's drawn back in, hook line and sinker and actually believes he means every word.

[boyslie932]

Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, which doesn't bode well at all as far as a future full time RL with him goes.

 

 

The whole thing seems toxic to me, and if it is as hard on you as you say it is, you should just go for your own sake more than anything else.

 

 

What is it that you find so appealing in him that you are allowing him to treat you in such a callous way?

 

 

Some of it probably has to do with my pride. I want him to choose instead of him taking the easy way out, but on the other hand I am tired of being so stressed. I think part of the reason I love him so much and find it so hard to walk is because when I met him I was overweight but he saw past that and inspired me to get in shape. Before him others had been supportive or whatever but no one actually gave me the drive to be the best I can be. He made me better, and he says he's learned so much from me as well but that isn't showing at this current moment.

[TaraMaiden2]

Have you ever been in a tough situation when it comes to love and you knew you should walk away but didn't want to? If so how did you do it?

 

I told the guy that I was too good to be obliged to share.

I told him he would either have all of me, and me alone, because I wasn't prepared to let him put his pecker anywhere near me, if I knew he'd been peckering her.

 

I gave him 2 hours to make up his mind.

That was plenty of time, after all, he had been dating us both for 6 months (unbeknown to me).

I heard nothing.

 

That was enough to tell me that he would always be a two-timing flake and I'm not into settling for second-best.

I deserve to be treated like the unique and wonderful individual I deserve to be considered.

Not a second-hand mattress.

[PrettyEmily77]

Some of it probably has to do with my pride. I want him to choose instead of him taking the easy way out, but on the other hand I am tired of being so stressed. I think part of the reason I love him so much and find it so hard to walk is because when I met him I was overweight but he saw past that and inspired me to get in shape. Before him others had been supportive or whatever but no one actually gave me the drive to be the best I can be. He made me better, and he says he's learned so much from me as well but that isn't showing at this current moment.

 

 

Okay, well at least something good (your self-esteem back) came out of this RL. I hope you realise that you don't owe him anything, though; all credit to you and you only for getting into shape. He may have inspired you but it doesn't mean your lives are forever intertwined because of that.

 

 

I can also kind of understand you wanting him to face to his responsibility / choice, but please consider the effect it has on your own well-being: is this really worth it, now or in the long run? This is what you should be asking yourself.

[UpwardForward]

I have known or observed people who couldn't make up their mind between two. Then they would wind up marrying a third person.

 

Sometimes the marriage lasted, sometimes not.

[Gloria25]

I don't think he loves either one of you two...

 

He has a "pull" towards her and you're the "back-up" chick.

[PrettyEmily77]

That's just the problem.

He isn't treating her in 'such a callous' way.

He is extremely good at what he does; I'd say he's turned it into an art form: He is playing cushy by saying all the right things to both of them, and keeping them both hooked.

 

He's a charmer. A sneaky, devious, manipulative, cheating, two-timing, cake-eating, low-level, bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking charmer.

 

He has her wrapped around his little finger and won't let go, or give up, because guess what?

 

He doesn't have to.

 

A few well-chosen words, a bit of romantic speech, (Love you, can't live without you, need you in my life, I'll lose something huge.... Good grief, where's the sick-bag - ?! ) sad, love-lorn, puppy eyes and BINGO! She's drawn back in, hook line and sinker and actually believes he means every word.

 

Well, that is treating her in a callous way then, isn't it? Love can make people blind though, sometimes...

[boyslie932]

That's just the problem.

He isn't treating her in 'such a callous' way.

He is extremely good at what he does; I'd say he's turned it into an art form: He is playing cushy by saying all the right things to both of them, and keeping them both hooked.

 

He's a charmer. A sneaky, devious, manipulative, cheating, two-timing, cake-eating, low-level, bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking charmer.

 

He has her wrapped around his little finger and won't let go, or give up, because guess what?

 

He doesn't have to.

 

A few well-chosen words, a bit of romantic speech, (Love you, can't live without you, need you in my life, I'll lose something huge.... Good grief, where's the sick-bag - ?! ) sad, love-lorn, puppy eyes and BINGO! She's drawn back in, hook line and sinker and actually believes he means every word.

 

I agree with this. Everytime I say something like "I think it's best that I just go" or something to that effect he definitely does have the right things to say that make me think "maybe he'll pick me". He admits that in the past he was a lying, cheating, manipulative ******* and claims that he will NOT be that way again. That that's not the kind of man he really is and he knows he has to pick one or neither of us. But he also says that it's not easy and I'm not being understanding if either her or I start questioning him. The other girl isn't stressed at all though. She's still dating another guy and active on her dating page, whereas I am so stressed I can barely focus!

[Gloria25]

Have you ever been in a tough situation when it comes to love and you knew you should walk away but didn't want to? If so how did you do it?

 

In this case you "have" to walk away...

 

Two things are gonna happen if you do:

 

1-He'll realize that you're not at his beck and call and be forced to make a decision. And no, I'm not telling you to walk away in a manipulation in hopes you can "push" him to choose you. I'm telling you to walk away cuz fact is, if you are always there at his beck and call - what motivation does he have to make a decision?

 

Now, #1 is also not a manipulation because by walking away...

 

2-You will open up yourself to meet someone new. So, you're doing this for "you" not to manipulate him. It's a win/win. Cuz either he'll realize what he lost and come back to you, or you'll be with someone else better for you.

[boyslie932]

Okay, well at least something good (your self-esteem back) came out of this RL. I hope you realise that you don't owe him anything, though; all credit to you and you only for getting into shape. He may have inspired you but it doesn't mean your lives are forever intertwined because of that.

 

 

I can also kind of understand you wanting him to face to his responsibility / choice, but please consider the effect it has on your own well-being: is this really worth it, now or in the long run? This is what you should be asking yourself.

 

True. I try to tell myself that maybe he was needed for the drive so I could be the best for the next guy but I really have thought he was the one. If he chose me, I would consider it worth it because I didn't give up even when times got rough. But I would rather leave than have him pick her or not have the balls to ever choose.

[boyslie932]

I have known or observed people who couldn't make up their mind between two. Then they would wind up marrying a third person.

 

Sometimes the marriage lasted, sometimes not.

 

I told him that I thought since his decision is so hard that maybe he doesn't love either of us, that the "right" person would be easy to choose. He said there could be truth to that.

[boyslie932]

I don't think he loves either one of you two...

 

He has a "pull" towards her and you're the "back-up" chick.

 

Ironic you say this because he does say he has a "draw" to her. I've brought up the back up stuff to him as well but he denies that. He says if anything I'm the one he should be with and am the better person for him but he can't get over the "draw" of her.