My guy says he loves us both and doesn't know who to choose...

[TaraMaiden2]

I agree with this. Everytime I say something like "I think it's best that I just go" or something to that effect he definitely does have the right things to say that make me think "maybe he'll pick me". He admits that in the past he was a lying, cheating, manipulative ******* and claims that he will NOT be that way again.

 

And yet... here he is, cheating and very probably lying, and definitely being manipulative....

 

That that's not the kind of man he really is

 

NO - That is EXACTLY the kind of man he really is.

 

Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

 

I don't know how many times that saying has been quoted on this forum, but I'll tell you what - they ain't ever bin wrong yet...

 

and he knows he has to pick one or neither of us.

No, that's not what has to happen.

What has to happen is that you remove yourself from the equation, and leave him with no choice but her. You have to absolutely ensure he doesn't have you as - an - OPTION....

 

But he also says that it's not easy and I'm not being understanding if either her or I start questioning him.

Now, see? That right there.

 

That's 'Man-eep-pew-la-tiv'.

 

You know, the thing he promised to not be...?

Turning the issue round on you, making out you're being the unfair one?

Cool! Boy, he really IS good, huh??

 

The other girl isn't stressed at all though. She's still dating another guy and active on her dating page, whereas I am so stressed I can barely focus!

I'm sorry but - you do realise it's all self-induced?

He's tugging at you and yanking all your chains, and you are falling for all of his devious wiles....

 

I really need you to open your eyes to see just what a jerk you're wasting all your emotions on....

[boyslie932]

In this case you "have" to walk away...

 

Two things are gonna happen if you do:

 

1-He'll realize that you're not at his beck and call and be forced to make a decision. And no, I'm not telling you to walk away in a manipulation in hopes you can "push" him to choose you. I'm telling you to walk away cuz fact is, if you are always there at his beck and call - what motivation does he have to make a decision?

 

Now, #1 is also not a manipulation because by walking away...

 

2-You will open up yourself to meet someone new. So, you're doing this for "you" not to manipulate him. It's a win/win. Cuz either he'll realize what he lost and come back to you, or you'll be with someone else better for you.

 

I've thought about this exact situation a lot. One of the things he despises about the other girl that he loves about me is my consistency. Whether I've been dating him or his friend I've never really left his side. Do I think by walking away he'll run back to me and try to convince me to stay? I'm not sure. He might but then again he might be thankful he didn't have to choose. I'd like to think by walking away I'd meet someone new and better than him in all ways, but right now I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else.

[PrettyEmily77]

True. I try to tell myself that maybe he was needed for the drive so I could be the best for the next guy but I really have thought he was the one. If he chose me, I would consider it worth it because I didn't give up even when times got rough. But I would rather leave than have him pick her or not have the balls to ever choose.

 

Looks like you already know what to do but are a little scared of taking the plunge. There's nothing wrong with that. Whatever you decide though, put yourself and your well- being first .

[boyslie932]

And yet... here he is, cheating and very probably lying, and definitely being manipulative....

 

 

 

NO - That is EXACTLY the kind of man he really is.

 

Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

 

I don't know how many times that saying has been quoted on this forum, but I'll tell you what - they ain't ever bin wrong yet...

 

 

No, that's not what has to happen.

What has to happen is that you remove yourself from the equation, and leave him with no choice but her. You have to absolutely ensure he doesn't have you as - an - OPTION....

 

 

Now, see? That right there.

 

That's 'Man-eep-pew-la-tiv'.

 

You know, the thing he promised to not be...?

Turning the issue round on you, making out you're being the unfair one?

Cool! Boy, he really IS good, huh??

 

 

I'm sorry but - you do realise it's all self-induced?

He's tugging at you and yanking all your chains, and you are falling for all of his devious wiles....

 

I really need you to open your eyes to see just what a jerk you're wasting all your emotions on....

 

Everything you're saying makes sense. It makes even more sense when I think about how he hasn't called since 8am when we talked for an hour about everything, yet he knows I'm stressed out. When he calls again I'm going to have to say I've had enough. It's painful to even think about but it's causing too much stress on me to keep waiting for him to make a decision that he may not even really have an intention of making. And if he really loved me I'd like to think he'd at least be honest and officially make a decision.

[TaraMaiden2]

I've thought about this exact situation a lot. One of the things he despises about the other girl that he loves about me is my consistency.

Yes. But that's not a good thing.

What are you consistent in?

Always falling for his lines, being dependable in that he just has to say 'jump' and you ask 'how high?'

 

You said yourself, this other girl is dating other guys. She doesn't care!

 

(It's the person who cares the least who controls the most, remember?) So in a way, he's fascinated by her. She can still screw around with him - but is happy to flake him off when she wants to - which is what he does with you...

Sadly - and I'm sorry to say this, so please forgive my harshness - you're not 'consistent'.

 

You're a sucker for punishment.

 

.....Do I think by walking away he'll run back to me and try to convince me to stay? I'm not sure.

Of course he will try to convince you to stay.

But not for any advantage or benefit to you. It will all be so he can ensure he still has you hooked....

 

He might but then again he might be thankful he didn't have to choose.

He's never had to choose though, has he?

 

I'd like to think by walking away I'd meet someone new and better than him in all ways, but right now I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else.

Then you'd better start feeding that imagination, because you're self-sabotaging and limiting your outlook before you've even started....

 

Don't look for a replacement.

Don't compare, don't evaluate with him as your yardstick, benchmark or standard.

 

Because you can - and will - do SO much better.....

[boyslie932]

Looks like you already know what to do but are a little scared of taking the plunge. There's nothing wrong with that. Whatever you decide though, put yourself and your well- being first .

 

 

 

I've felt for a few days now that I'm going to have to walk. I hate thinking about it and not having him around, or thinking of him just forgetting about me or whatever, but this stress is horrible. My best friend is coming over tonight, she says I'm done being isolated and need to man bash. She's going through a divorce herself, so she understands a lot.

[PrettyEmily77]

I've felt for a few days now that I'm going to have to walk. I hate thinking about it and not having him around, or thinking of him just forgetting about me or whatever, but this stress is horrible. My best friend is coming over tonight, she says I'm done being isolated and need to man bash. She's going through a divorce herself, so she understands a lot.

 

 

There's nothing like the company of a good friend to help you through bad times . This situation and this man are not worth stressing over that much. There'll no doubt be a few tricky days ahead of you but you'll be fine .

[boyslie932]

Yes. But that's not a good thing.

What are you consistent in?

Always falling for his lines, being dependable in that he just has to say 'jump' and you ask 'how high?'

 

You said yourself, this other girl is dating other guys. She doesn't care!

 

(It's the person who cares the least who controls the most, remember?) So in a way, he's fascinated by her. She can still screw around with him - but is happy to flake him off when she wants to - which is what he does with you...

Sadly - and I'm sorry to say this, so please forgive my harshness - you're not 'consistent'.

 

You're a sucker for punishment.

 

 

Of course he will try to convince you to stay.

But not for any advantage or benefit to you. It will all be so he can ensure he still has you hooked....

 

 

He's never had to choose though, has he?

 

 

Then you'd better start feeding that imagination, because you're self-sabotaging and limiting your outlook before you've even started....

 

Don't look for a replacement.

Don't compare, don't evaluate with him as your yardstick, benchmark or standard.

 

Because you can - and will - do SO much better.....

 

I always have viewed my consistency as just being there for him no matter what (even when he and I were solely friends), but you're right. I am too forgiving and willing to look for the good than I care to admit. I agree that she doesn't care. And I also agree that she's basically telling him everything he wants to hear so that she stays on his mind. He didn't really have to choose before. I chose for him once and he tried to say he had to have the final chance with her or he'd always wonder what if, but I cut him off so there wasn't really a choice made by him. I don't want a replacement or anything, after this I just want to be alone. I don't know how I could trust someone with my heart again knowing that there are people like him out there that can sit there and say you're the one one day and they're confused and love two girls the next.

[Gloria25]

I always have viewed my consistency as just being there for him no matter what (even when he and I were solely friends), but you're right. I am too forgiving and willing to look for the good than I care to admit. I agree that she doesn't care. And I also agree that she's basically telling him everything he wants to hear so that she stays on his mind. He didn't really have to choose before. I chose for him once and he tried to say he had to have the final chance with her or he'd always wonder what if, but I cut him off so there wasn't really a choice made by him. I don't want a replacement or anything, after this I just want to be alone. I don't know how I could trust someone with my heart again knowing that there are people like him out there that can sit there and say you're the one one day and they're confused and love two girls the next.

 

Wrong....

 

She sticks in his mind cuz she "isn't" there for him consistently...

 

See, sometimes we think if we're always there, always supportive, etc. that someone will value us. Now yes, being there for someone is great - but it has it's time/place.

 

You don't "be there" for some guy you are just dating. You are "there" for someone who has proven he/she is worthy of it (i.e. your spouse).

 

Believe it or not, he respects her more than you cuz she's willing to make him work for her attention. People do not value what they don't have to work for.

 

But quite frankly, I don't think he loves and/or respects her...she's got him wrapped around her finger cuz she's good at playing him. Yea, working for a chick is great - but it is unhealthy if she keeps on ying-yanging and he keeps on coming back for more beatings.

[boyslie932]

There's nothing like the company of a good friend to help you through bad times . This situation and this man are not worth stressing over that much. There'll no doubt be a few tricky days ahead of you but you'll be fine .

 

Yeah this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I think I'd rather lose 50lbs all over again than do this. We were supposed to go on a weekend getaway in two weeks. I said I probably should cancel it a couple days ago but he convinced me not to. Maybe I'll bring a friend and enjoy my time off anyway. I keep telling myself I'm going to be fine but that doesn't help much yet.

[PrettyEmily77]

Yeah this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I think I'd rather lose 50lbs all over again than do this. We were supposed to go on a weekend getaway in two weeks. I said I probably should cancel it a couple days ago but he convinced me not to. Maybe I'll bring a friend and enjoy my time off anyway. I keep telling myself I'm going to be fine but that doesn't help much yet.

 

Still very early days, yes. But you've had the will to lose all that weight through sheer determination so you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for . And yes, you WILL be fine - remember that! .

[boyslie932]

Wrong....

 

She sticks in his mind cuz she "isn't" there for him consistently...

 

See, sometimes we think if we're always there, always supportive, etc. that someone will value us. Now yes, being there for someone is great - but it has it's time/place.

 

You don't "be there" for some guy you are just dating. You are "there" for someone who has proven he/she is worthy of it (i.e. your spouse).

 

Believe it or not, he respects her more than you cuz she's willing to make him work for her attention. People do not value what they don't have to work for.

 

But quite frankly, I don't think he loves and/or respects her...she's got him wrapped around her finger cuz she's good at playing him. Yea, working for a chick is great - but it is unhealthy if she keeps on ying-yanging and he keeps on coming back for more beatings.

 

I can see your points. I really thought by being there through thick and thin I was doing something good but obviously I wasn't. He admits himself that she is more toxic than good for him, and has even told her that he wants to completely move on from her, yet here he is in this jacked up situation.

[boyslie932]

Still very early days, yes. But you've had the will to lose all that weight through sheer determination so you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for . And yes, you WILL be fine - remember that! .

 

This may be true. There was one time before that I felt like I'd never be happy again (although I didn't really love the guy looking back), but then one day I was 100% okay and over it. It just sucks so bad to know you'd do anything for a person and then have that same person be so confused after two weeks of his ex contacting him. It's baffling.

[preraph]

Your guy just wants to keep you both going as his first choice. But when he loses one or the other, then he tries to get the other back. It should be obvious by now that he cares about himself mostly and will say anything to get his way. You need to close the door on this and keep moving on. He's fickle. He doesn't run deep.

[sandylee1]

The guys a total mess and he's wasting your time. Just be rid of him as he can't seem to make his mind up and you'll forever be wondering if he's going back to her.

 

You don't need a guy playing with your emotions like this. It's time to say enough is enough .

[SpiralOut]

Don't listen to what he is saying. Look at what he is doing. Base your decision on that.

[whichwayisup]

I only read the opening post.

 

You deserve better. This guy has lied to you, continued seeing his ex on and off throughout your relationship and now it seems his feelings have been stirred up towards her and him telling you he's confused just shows he isn't over her.

 

Please, for your own sanity, take control and break up with him. If you don't, he will not choose, he'll string both you and her along.

[loveflower]

The bottom line is: you are his second choice. His 'ex' is his first choice. whenever she comes back to him, he dump you or is 'confused'.

 

This guy doesn't have a spine that's for sure. what kind of guy will want to be with a woman who dump him again and again? any self respect?

[boyslie932]

The bottom line is: you are his second choice. His 'ex' is his first choice. whenever she comes back to him, he dump you or is 'confused'.

 

This guy doesn't have a spine that's for sure. what kind of guy will want to be with a woman who dump him again and again? any self respect?

 

First of all thank you to everyone that responded. Every one of you have essentially said what I know I have to do in my heart (leave). He sent a message to me saying "he needed time to think, he doesn't know how this is going to work while he thinks and feels about the other girl the way he does." And of course he followed that up with he loves me and he will call today. I planned out everything I'm going to say when he does. It's going to suck and be hard, but I HAVE to go for my own self. He can have the other girl as a default. I like what you said Loveflower. He doesn't have much self-respect, and that's not something I want in a man. And I still keep going back to what a lot of you said, if he loved either of us, he'd have picked from the get go. Bottom line is I may love him but I love myself more.

[TaraMaiden2]

May I make a suggestion?

 

Say nothing.

Do nothing.

Block him and refuse to entertain any calls whatsoever, period.

Seriously. Block, delete, disengage....

 

Now, normally, I'd recommend this after a break-up.

 

But the danger here is that because of the intensity of your feelings, he will succeed in swaying you, and end up making you feel so much worse.

 

You need to cut him out of your life, and although it will initially feel as if you're sawing your own leg off with a rusty blade and no anaesthetic, I think it wil be far better for you in the long run if he gradually gets the message that you're never going to reply, or pick up, again....

[boyslie932]

I didn't see the last post before he called, so I stuck to my plan and took the power away from him. I chose ME. As many of you suspected, he did try to get words in here and there to "explain himself" or talk about how he's feeling, but I cut him off every time and said he's talked enough, it's his turn to listen. I got everything I needed to out, and it sucked -not gonna lie!- but it's done and he's blocked.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well done!

 

Good for you!

 

Now sweetheart: prepare yourself. I mean it.

These next few weeks are going to really suck.

 

Your emotions are going to go up and down, and you're going to go through a whole range of feelings.

Some days will be better than others, but it's going to hurt.

 

if it hurts now, I'm sorry, but trust me, it will get worse.

 

You must however, make sure your resolve stays strong.

 

It's no good saying one thing then cracking under the strain, although it would be understandable.

He's been stroking you one way all this time, for this to now stroke you in the opposite direction will feel weird, unfamiliar and decidedly uncomfortable....

 

Keep posting here.

Updates, feelings emotional outbursts, vents, angry reactions - give us both barrels, we can take it.

 

But do not, whatever you do, relent, weaken or give him free head-space.

You're worth more than that. You deserve more than that.

[boyslie932]

Well done!

 

Good for you!

 

Now sweetheart: prepare yourself. I mean it.

These next few weeks are going to really suck.

 

Your emotions are going to go up and down, and you're going to go through a whole range of feelings.

Some days will be better than others, but it's going to hurt.

 

if it hurts now, I'm sorry, but trust me, it will get worse.

 

You must however, make sure your resolve stays strong.

 

It's no good saying one thing then cracking under the strain, although it would be understandable.

He's been stroking you one way all this time, for this to now stroke you in the opposite direction will feel weird, unfamiliar and decidedly uncomfortable....

 

Keep posting here.

Updates, feelings emotional outbursts, vents, angry reactions - give us both barrels, we can take it.

 

But do not, whatever you do, relent, weaken or give him free head-space.

You're worth more than that. You deserve more than that.

 

Thank you for your kind words!! It really sucked telling him I was removing myself, but I had it all planned out (I planned it out with two friends last night) so I stuck by what I practiced and followed my notes so I got everything I needed out. He tried to say certain things, and of course was saying he loves me and will miss me so much and doesn't know what he's going to do, but I told him it's easy now, you don't have two choices! You have your default option since you couldn't do the respectable thing and step back from everyone to work on you from the beginning. He asked how I knew that wasn't going to be his decision. I said it should've been his decision from day 1. And I also said if he really loved either of us his "hard decision" would've been easy. Towards the end of the call he said "so you're done with me?" And I said I don't have a choice. And I hung up. He tried to make me promise that if he comes back again that I won't shut him down because I don't trust him. I said he's not going to come back around bc if he ever tries I'll be reminding myself of this entire situation and I can never trust him not to burn me.

 

It hurts, but other than tearing up here and there I haven't cried much. I think I got it all out this week on the first day I was thinking "I have to walk away". I know in my heart that I did everything right and I had to go, so that helps some. I'm going to have to stay busy to avoid thinking about things though. My best friend is calling me after church and we will probably hang out for awhile. And another of my close friends I work with so work will be okay. I just have to make sure I'm constantly busy. I'm upset with him but I know this is the right thing. I deserve someone who would've picked me right away. No thoughts, no decisions or loving two girls bs, just me.