How to Trust him again after possibly cheating

[kechurt]

I need help due to feeling extremely lonely & confused! Here's the situation. I have been married for 7 years and I believe my husband has cheated on me or came very close. I may be in denial. He formed a friendship with a woman I have not met but they are "just friends" from what I am told. She is going through a divorce with her violent husband and she needed advice from my husband who is in law enforcement. Off duty he would meet her at night while he told me and our kids that he was going to the store. I caught him a year ago when I got our cell phone bill & he explained to me what was going on. I was furious and didn't believe him. It was a teriible time! I left for a night and went to counselling on my own to learn how to cope. I spoke with this woman and scared her to death. I asked her to leave him alone & they both agreed. A month ago I heard his voice mail with her leaving 2 messgaes on it calling him Baby & I miss you & hearing your voice. I went away that prior weekend with the kids, when I got home there were 2 condoms missing and the house was clean. He said he used them to pleasure himself. I wan't to believe him so bad! We are now seeing a counsellor together (which he hates) and promised me nothing happened and she was not in the house. I have spoken to her also and she said there is nothing & he was just helping her. She was very defensive of him and mean to me. I just want to move on and be able to trust him again. He now has to take my son with him when he leaves the house. I am also mad enough that I have had thoughts of getting some attention of my own from another man. Not sexually but just to feel better. I love my husband but I feel like I do not know him. Like he has a secret life.

[FolderWife]

From what you've said, it definately sounds like he's cheating. That "I used a condom to pleasure myself" thing sounds BooooooooooooooGus.

 

Maybe he isn't sleeping with her, but someone else? I bet he is sleeping with her though. It's a shame he denies it!

 

I don't have any advice...it sounds like you're doing everything you can to make this marriage work. I just want to let you know that you're not nuts...I am an unbiased opinion, and I think he smells like a cheater.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Until he comes clean about what he did, and discusses it fully with you in counseling there is no reason to trust him. You learned a small truth. He owned up to one small thing and let me tell you this: the first truth is HARDLY EVER the whole truth. Why hide the truth? Because he is protecting what he has with the OW, and doesn't want to let her go. He has formed a relationship with her that he doesn't want you interfering with. The mantra of the MM and his mistress is "deny, deny, deny - lie, lie, lie" - anything to protect what they have and keep it going.

 

Can the situation be fixed? You can work toward fixing it but these things have to happen first:

 

1. Your husband has to want to work things out with you.

2. He has to be willing to COMPLETELY give up the OW in order to make that happen.

3. He has to come clean about what he did to both you and the counselor.

 

If any one of these three things are lacking, then your marriage is for all intents and purposes over. The only thing left is acceptance and enabling of his infidelity, or divorce. If he doesn't want to fix the marriage, then he is destroying it. There is nothing you can do to fix a marriage, if one spouse isn't interested in fixing it.

[kechurt]

I feel like calling the other woman right now. I guess out of anger. Do you think she will ever spill the beans? What if I am getting the truth from them? Will I ever let this go?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why would she spill the beans? Doing so would mess up what she has with your husband. There's no chance she would do that, unless she is either

 

a. scorned

b. ready to leave him anyway

 

She is only going to be truthful with you, when she senses that she has nothing to lose by doing so.

 

A month ago I heard his voice mail with her leaving 2 messages on it calling him Baby & I miss you & hearing your voice. I went away that prior weekend with the kids, when I got home there were 2 condoms missing and the house was clean.

 

This is the truth. This is what you have to face. There is nothing ambiguous about this. Bring it up in your next counseling session. In fact, bring up every single thing that you feel is suspicious. Your husband may get away with gaslighting you at home, but he won't be able to easily fool the counselor.

[Mz. Pixie]

Direct the majority of your anger at your husband- not the other woman. She didn't have a committment to you, he did.

 

There is another thread on here that mentions a girl who caught her boyfriend using condoms and he gave her the same excuse.

 

No one uses condoms when they masturbate. You know what's going on here you're just in denial.

 

You got some good advice in the thread. Make him accountable.

[kechurt]

Is it possible to remain in this marriage if I do get a confession from him? Does counselling really put the marriage back together? I imagine this will work if both of us want it to right?

[JadeStar]

I think this can be a fixable situation, HOWEVER it has to be if both of you want it. It can not work if neither of you are willing to put forth the effort, nor can it work if just one of you are willing too. Marriage counseling can be great and helpful especailly if you have a good counselor, but a counselor can't do but so much. The real work has to come from you and your husband. Good luck.

 

 

Jade

[kechurt]

I have received wonderful advice about my situation. But depression is taking control of my life. I take my kids to school & come home to sleep all day or I spend my time checking up on him. I constantly check his cell phone bill, even if I have already looked at it 10 times. Trying to catch him is taking over my life. I get so angry that this woman/situation has taken away my power. I want to be alone most of the time & my self esteem is gone...

[LucreziaBorgia]

We are now seeing a counsellor together

 

Be sure and share how you are feeling with the counselor. Don't leave anything out.

[FolderWife]

I agree: tell the counsellor. Maybe he's not cheating...maybe he loaned someone a couple of condoms and doesn't want to tell you?

 

Oh, who am I kidding...honey, he's sleeping with her. He's not admitting to it. This situation is fixable if he'll confess. If he doesn't confess soon, you need to walk.

[Debster]

To answer the title of your thread, you can't trust him UNTIL you feel he has told you everything.

 

Instead of you getting caught up on trying to catch him, why not hire an investigator?

[kechurt]

I thought about hiring an investigator but he does nothing but go to work now & come home. He only goes out if my son is with him. I just need to know what really happened in the past. If I keep on questioning him he gets so furious with me. He cuts me off & gets so pissed. The counsellor suggested a lie detector test to him & his response was that they don't work.

[Debster]

He's full of it. Lie detector tests work. That's why they are used in court.

Some people have figured out how to fool them, but they are the exception.

I think go for a lie detector test. If he passes, then back off and stop questioning him and start to trust him.

If he fails, then you have your answer.

[kechurt]

I am going to see the counselor again today with my husband. I feel nervous because I think/want to blow up at him. My fear is that this will cause us to go backwards instead of forwards. I have so many things I want him to know but can't express myself at home. I need him to know what this has done to me. Please send me some strength to do the right thing! Thanks and hugs!!!!